BPDFamily.com

Like the title says, I just heard that my dBPDw has been fired. It was a part-time job -- teaching religious school for about 6 hours/week. But she had difficulty managing the kids and got into "issues" with others on the staff.

The last issue was a pretty minor one, but after the history that had built up over the past several months, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Based on how I've seen her react when she gets fired, I expect her to sink into a deep depressive funk for days. She might not leave her bed. Or it could be bad in any number of ways, as she's never been fired before while we've been locked in so much conflict at the same time.

I'm very wary going into this weekend.

hang in there. I know the feeling of entering into these situations. Wish I had advice. Try do do what you can do to take care of yourself emotionally.

Hey flour dust, Those w/BPD often have conflicts in the workplace, as you seem to know already.  My only suggestion is that you avoid any requests from her for you to "jump in" and do something about it, like call her Boss at the religious school.  Stay out of the fray, is my advice.

LuckyJim

And it's started.  I talked to her on the phone about the job loss this afternoon.  I was sympathetic and didn't invalidate. That was fine. I asked if she wanted me to bring dinner home or go out, and she said she thought going out might be better than staying at home and wallowing.

On the way home, she called again. She had told our daughter, and D10 was distraught and in tears. I'd like to imagine that a good parent tries not to lay all their problems and the emotional weight of them on their children, but that's just me. I asked again about dinner, and she said we should go out, so I suggested she pick something she would like.

When I got home, I said some sympathetic things and discovered that she hadn't picked a place for dinner. She was looking on OpenTable and beginning to melt down because it was too hard to choose. She started throwing out the self-serving comments ... .How could we go out when she didn't make any money? Why were we going out when I had made it clear I didn't care about her? Oh, boy. That should have probably been my signal to say sayonara, grab the kid, and flee.

Instead, I ended up picking a place, but not until she had gone off on me for making her make this choice and not making a reservation and taking care of everything when we'd talked earlier in the day. You can all see where this is going? She's feeling rotten, and she's finding the usual place to blame her feelings - me.

As we were heading out, I could see that D10 was upset. I asked her what was bothering her, and she said she was worried about going to the restaurant, because it might not work out, and she wanted to make everyone happy. I told her that she wasn't responsible for that - we were all responsible for our own happiness.

That was the signal for BPDw to blow her top. The screaming started. My comment had been a personal attack against her. It was awful parenting. There was more that I can't remember. I tried to walk away to remove the target, but she kept yelling and said she didn't care if I was done with the conversation, she wasn't. Then she grabbed the keys and the kid and drove off.

I think the way my wife's psychology works is this. She wants to feel better. But being nice to her doesn't make her feel better. It just reminds her how awful she feels. Anger -- self-righteous anger -- THAT makes her feel better. That floods her with the hot rage of knowing she's the victim, she's the one in the right, and she can fight back and get those endorphins flowing.

She doesn't want sympathy or validation - she wants an enemy she can hurt. And that's me.

"I think the way my wife's psychology works is this. She wants to feel better. But being nice to her doesn't make her feel better. It just reminds her how awful she feels. Anger -- self-righteous anger -- THAT makes her feel better. That floods her with the hot rage of knowing she's the victim, she's the one in the right, and she can fight back and get those endorphins flowing.

She doesn't want sympathy or validation - she wants an enemy she can hurt. And that's me."

And your kid. I just want to give you a hug.   How you phrased all this makes so much sense. So much sad sense. I feel terrible for you and for your child. It sounds like she already has her radar up for this stuff.

Dude, sucks when a disordered person drives off with your kid.

I'm assuming they went to dinner?  I've been left at home like that a few times as she barged out to dinner in a rage.

 

Hang in there,

FF

I'm so sorry.    You did your best and your daughter saw that. At age 10, she's old enough to be able to understand who is the stable parent.

Growing up with a BPD mother, I got in the middle of some of these situations. I knew which parent had my back.

I assume they went to dinner -- though first she parked a block away and spent a while ranting on the phone to her mom about me (with D10 in the back seat). When they came home, D10 told me she didn't want to talk to me and then went to sleep with BPDw.

This morning, I made breakfast for everyone and went into the bedroom to invite them to come out to eat. BPDw played her usual tricks. She said, "I didn't know we were talking to each other," and when I didn't respond to that other than offering breakfast, she got pissy and refused to even encourage D10 to come out to eat (and take her overdue meds).

Now I had never said anything about not talking to each other. This is a tactic of hers I can only describe as "We now join our argument, already in progress." I'm told to defend a position I didn't even know I had. It goes nowhere good, so I ignore it as best I can.

Eventually, D10 did come out and eat and take her meds. So there's that. And the day is young.

Dude, I hate this for you, but it made me smile.  ":)efending a position you didn't even know you had, ", that is precisely what they do,

Keep your chin up.

My day is young as well, I've already smashed down a "I know your thoughts conversation, "

FF

Oh, my. Right? That's one that I've had to deal with, too; I think I've actually said that I didn't know that I had whatever position that they said I had. Probably invalidating... .