BPDFamily.com

Here it comes! What plans do you have for Valentine's Day with your BPD partner?

I plan to be avoided/avoid contact with BPDwife for as much of the day as possible. I plan to be accused of things whenever I'm in earshot of her and sometimes when I'm not in earshot. I plan to do ... .something ... .for dinner with BPDwife and D10 that will hopefully be as quick and painless as possible. It might involve eating in separate rooms or perhaps separate parts of the city. I do not plan to have a romantic -- or even private -- dinner with BPDwife because the thought of one-on-one interaction where we have to talk to each other fills me with dread. The last time we did that successfully was at the end of October.

I plan to give BPDw and D10 nice boxes of Valentine's chocolates, so I can say I did something. There will not be a card, because I can't imagine putting down any sentiment that would not be false or evasive.

Love holiday times.   NOT.  This ones a double for me valentines and birthday. All in one day.  I like your plan separate parts of the world would be great!  Waiting to see how many times I get blamed for something or did something wrong. 

Good idea about the card; I'm not sure that I can do that this year without feeling like I'm being inauthentic. I do have to do something because it will be used against me if I don't. Chocolates sound like a good solution to the problem. I'm wondering how long I can stay away tomorrow; thankfully, I can legitimately be gone for a bit.

Speaking of that... .  How do I tell my husband that I don't really want to spend time with him without him feeling abandoned?

If you make every day a special day you don't need days like Valentines!   :)

 Exactly! Every day is special -- special screaming, special accusations, special twisted logic, special gaslighting... . 

 

I got a box of chocolates and a card.  Very plain card, but plays music when you open it.

Put her name on envelope and wrote "With love, "  then went under it and signed my name.

The card says "hope you have an incredible day"

I mean all of that stuff, so I'm good there.  Was not going to get any kind of card that said love you, best ever, blah blah blah.  I have zero of those feelings right now.

She has taken kids over to her parents for who knows how long.  They have invited me over several times in past few days.  I always decline.  I haven't talked to her Dad since he assumed boxing stance and danced around me like sugar ray, then did the hopping thing going out my front door to supposedly call the cops.  The few times he has come over here while I was around, he stayed in car.

I'm fine with using BPD rules on my wife.  Not going to use them on him.  And I'm not going to hang around him and pretend I don't have something to say.  He knows this about me, which is why I'm guessing he is avoiding me.

Whenever that talk happens, sure to be interesting.

Anyway, back to the card thing.  Yeah, I honor my feelings and don't say/write crap I don't feel.  That's not good for you to do that.


FF

Sorry man, but this got a laugh out of me.  At least you can retain some humor among all of it.   :)

LOL!  So, not funny really, but it made me laugh just the same.  I like your energy, flour dust. :)

Plans for the day are to do what I usually do - mostly praying I can get thru the day without  dysregulating on me and that the kids have a good day despite whatever happens or how I am feeling inside.

I'm also going to be crossing my fingers that the card I searched high and low for (short simple sentiments) doesn't trigger H into thinking I'm disengaging emotionally from him (I am and have been).

And last but not least, I'm going to be working up the mental and emotional strenght to be able to bear having sex tonight - something I've been sadly doing only to keep H from dyreg-ing while I prepare for divorce (sorry just realized I posted on Undecided but I'm not conflicted any more).

Good luck to everyone today n tonight.  Perhaps some may actually have a nice evening (Imagine That!)   

Blessings ~

HopefulOne

Your post made me smile.

Good for you FF... .I attempted to do the same.  I was getting nervous I might not find a card that 'worked' for me tho... .Amazing how many cards I just couldn't bring myself to give him without it being a complete lie.  Were you looking for a while?

Wish I didn't have to do the very opposite where it comes to the 'intimacy' issue but that is out of complete and utter necessity while I plan for the final discussion and necessary change (divorce).

Blessings ~

I wish humor was enough.

I got up, had a shower, fed D10 and myself breakfast. I heard BPDwife come out of her bedroom. I found her in the kitchen staring blankly into the refrigerator. I said good morning. She didn't respond. I said something about having breakfast, and she started challenging me for confusing her, for not addressing other issues, for not answering questions about our relationship. I tried to suggest she eat, offered to make her something, tried to extricate myself -- eventually, I had to go upstairs with her screaming after me. She pursued me -- followed me into my office and began ranting at me. I asked her to leave me alone, and she wouldn't. I started making preparations to leave the house. She went into D10's room and began crying to her about how awful I am. I tried to get her to leave D10 alone. She screamed profanities at me. She came back into my office and I lost my temper - called her names. She wanted to know why we were together, and I said I didn't know. She said I should leave. I said if she wanted to, she could leave. She said, "Write me a check, and I will." I said "fine."

She finally retreated from the area after quite a bit more of this. I persuaded D10 to get dressed and leave the house with me. We went to the mall and I kept her amused there. Meanwhile, BPDwife decided to leave. With the help of her mother, she got a plane ticket, and she's leaving the state tomorrow. I stayed absolutely neutral on all of this. She kept sending me texts demanding to know in writing when I said she had to be out of the house. I said that I  am not insisting she move out, but if she decides to, I support that decision.

Later, D10 and I came home. I ordered a pizza for dinner. I texted BPDwife to tell her pizza was coming. She demanded to know what that meant, if she was allowed to have pizza, what rules I was putting in place around pizza... .sigh. This is her typical mode of interaction. When the pizza came, I took some slices down to the basement to eat by myself. I let D10 and BPDwife spend the evening together.

D10 is distraught. But I think this is for the best. If she actually gets out of the house, I'm going to be forced to make some child care arrangements and reorganize things so that D10 and I can get along without her. I'll start official divorce proceedings, too. I was about 80% ready to do it, and she's forced my hand.

Happy Valentine's Day!   

Geeze, rough day flourdust. Ugh.

I stayed in hiding, after cutting contact with bf last tuesday after he lost his temper and started dropping f bombs. Just wasn't up for whatever else he would do or not do. I didnt do anything for him today. Usually i do.

Probably i am feeling sorry for myself, thinking about the baby that his affair partner terminated vday in 2013. He may not care how i feel about that, but i care, and i can't be around him right now.

 

Flourdust,

What an interesting day.  When is she flying out?

Hang in there man,  

FF

This afternoon, allegedly. We actually haven't talked about it -- we're unable to have any conversations. Anything I say - no matter if it's a pleasantry, neutral, or just a fact -- is met with an emotion-based response.

Our exchange this morning, before I left the house:

Me: Have a good trip.

Her: It's not a vacation, you know.

The "word salad" that they send out is amazing.  I'm sure that meant something perfectly clear to her.

Oh, yeah.  Meant to give you some tactics advice. 

Quit saying "good morning" and use "top of the morning to you" or some other greeting of the day that doesn't involve a good or bad description.

"nice to see you" is out as well.

Perhaps even, "breakfast in 5, how do you want your eggs"

Thoughts?

FF

It is for you!  :)

C. Stein,

You are the man!  I routinely laugh out loud when I read your posts.

Flourdust,

I dare you to repeat this line,

Note:  I will be watching with helmet and body armor on, also hiding behind couch,

FF

Totally ineffective. It really doesn't matter what I say, the reaction is the same. I think it was two days ago that I greeted her with "Breakfast is ready," to be met with ":)oes that mean we are talking today?"

But this train has left the station ... .or the plane has left the airport. If she really does leave today, I'm starting divorce proceedings. Strike while the iron is hot!

Hang tough man!

FF

When she's like this, there will never be a way to address her that "works". I think the best that can be hoped for is for you to stop letting it bother you. That's what I try to do. I used to think I could say or do the right thing, and I'd get a better response. Nope. I could if he was in a good place, but if he's in his negative mode, any good response will be met with anger, sarcasm, or silence. That's his issue, not mine.

People who want to be angry, or difficult, will find a way, even when not met with opposition. I witnessed that last night with my daughter, and BPDh and I both just looked at each other like "what the crap?". Funny that he can see the ridiculousness of her out of nowhere anger towards me, when I was being nice to her, but he can't see it in himself. She was heating up my leftovers, and she asked which box was mine, and I said she could have my box or BPDh's box(he'd offered her his leftovers too). For some unknown reason, she blew up, and stomped off. Her choice, and BPDh was thinking how silly and wrong she was, but he does the exact thing!

My SO's Valentine's Day sentiments didn't move me so he had a meltdown at the end of the day that I tried my best to stay out of.