BPDFamily.com

I got a text, knew it was coming as have had some weak attempts at re-engagement this past week and have had word of trouble in Paradise

Did you respond?

No but she also happened to be strolling past my offices while I was getting some paperwork on my day off and I exchanged a polite greeting. I have a feeling I'm being stalked haha

Well that's nice. How do you feel about running into your ex now? What stage of detachment do you see yourself in?

It didn't bother me so much, I am quite detached at this point although, I have to admit not 100%, I have been through this before so I kind of know the drill, she will either accelerate or go off to new supply soon. I haven't really processed it because i'm not certain what she's up to at this stage.

I should add i'm also seeing another girl casually at this stage so i guess that's helping to not get too invested

How emotionally available do you see yourself as you say your not 100% detached?

WOW... .Here she is... .early morning... ."text: Happy Valentine's day" "how are you?"     Mind goes in a spin... .my humane side wanted to reply ... .my fearful side was trembling... saying Not Again.   Sorry... my humane side won and I did say "same to you."  And next second comes "I miss you... I hope you are doing well"  I said "thank you" 

I am strong enough ... thanks to these boards and thanks to my extensive reading. I can not hate her... I know for sure that behind a bad disorder she is  a good human being... probably just has traits and not severe case.  A waif type with occasional rages but more push-pull.  Goes into silence but interestingly warns before going  "I need to be silent... donot contact me... I will come back when I feel better."  So some insight with a learnt tecnique that silence is a tool to deescalate a potential rage situation.

Lesson i learnt is that NOT all pwBPDs are created equal. Its mild, moderate, severe and extreme types.  I think, this one is mild type as she says please, thank you, I am grateful to you, I want to do help you whenever you need me etc. Today, I am having mixed emotions but not too happy and not too fearful/sad.

Not a peep from mine. But the weekend isn't over yet. Mine you he has my replacement to validate him so he may stay silent. Who knows.

Not 100% of course. This girl is a friend who's known all about my BPD experience and neither of us is looking long term just a casual thing having fun together, its not commited

Mine texted me today. I resisted like a lion not to answer.

I guess I am strong enough now and kinda feel more and more detached.

Oh, I almost forgot, we made love, then said goodbye.



Naah, kidding  :) no texts, no calls, no nothing. I guess she doesn't think about me any more.

I'm gonna tell on myself.  I kept NC.  Took my kids to see a movie at a theatre close by where we both live.  I was crying during the movie (not because it was sad) and when we got out I was scouring the crowd for her and her kids.  Had they been there I would have gone up to her and begged for her back.

Now I'm back home laying in bed.  I can't handle the constant ups and downs.  I felt stronger last week and as the week went on just got worse and worse.  I want to be over her and move on so badly.   

Don't give up buddy. You know brighter days will come. Deep down you know it. Believe in yourself.

Thanks driver, these are the moments where the pain starts to get to that intolerable point.  Now I can see why I became an alcoholic/addict because I struggle so much with feelings.  Not being able to drown them out anymore really sucks on the low points.  One good thing is that I don't think of drinking or using at all, but I still really want to just run away from all this stuff.   

Have you tried to do something completely different, like meditating? Or Maybe doing some sport? Or how about starting a new project/hobby/course/language/etc?

Yeah I've taken up rock climbing. I work out a lot too already.  So between that and the 4 or 5 aa meetings a week, plus single parenting I'm a pretty busy guy.  I took a couple days off work to try and decompress a bit but think that might have done more harm than good!   Yeah being active certainly helps and I love getting out and rock climbing now.  Perhaps I'll find my future-ex there one day.  Hahaha.  Ahhhh still have some humour in me

Good! Humor is one of the best cures :)

When you rock climb, do you also roll? Ha! 

Yes... .As I fall off the wall.  But not gracefully. 

Well, don't stop till you get enough  :)

Wouldn't it be lovely if she is called Hillary and you had a honeymoon climbing Mt.Everest together :)

And yes, I got contacted today and my Valentine's Day was celebrated (whereas my birthday wasn't and we were living together and his friends even gave a little party for me:)) In this celebration, I was given the opportunity to transfer some money to his new dealer so that he could do some drugs  I politely declined with silence and he ended the call saying he had to get back on his intercity bus. I called back immediately and his line was busy *) I bought myself a pack of After Eights and celebrated.

Hey TW sorry you had to have that experience but good you stayed strong.  Were the after eights good?  I got some fancy cupcakes and they were tasty.  I laughed at your comment about Hillary and Mount Everest.  We watched the new movie "Everest" recently and I can say I have no desire to try that any time soon!

I got contacted too-- totally unexpectedly!

I did not, but interesting enough... there was no "love-bombing" by the gf on Facebook either! Highly unusual... .in fact... .the last thing she posted 8 days ago was one of those picture quotes that says "when you don't know What the heck is going on"... .LOL!  I guess she is starting to see the madness... .

My BPDxbf didn't contact me yesterday, but my old flame (whom I suspect is NPD and whom I was seeing before I met my BPDxbf) turned up at my house uninvited today (the day after Valentine's Day) with presents and cards. He said he didn't come yesterday because he thought I might have been otherwise engaged (he can't accept that I just don't want to be with him, there must be another man in the equation). I asked my daughter to text my ex-husband to come down straight away and we told him to leave together. Now, I'm heartbroken. My old flame claims he loves me, but to me, his actions have always said he doesn't. I just can't see what he wants from me. He's never been that interested in sex, all I can think of is that he wants back to the time when I was crazy about him and used to look at him with eyes of adoration and let out little sighs of contentment. I've told him those contented sighs don't happen any more because I'm not happy with him any more, but he keeps on coming back. To me, he's said and done too many hurtful things and the adoration has been replaced with suspicion and mistrust... .but I need chance to get over him. I need a miracle again, to let this one go just as I had a miracle that enabled me to let my BPDxbf go.

Lifewriter x

All has been clear for me.

I wasn't contacted, and quite frankly, I am considering breaking NC to see what her problem is! lol

Seriously, I hope that she had a very pleasant Valentines Day with whomever she chose to spend it with.

I got contacted on saturday, but I think it the date was random. It would've been our 6 month anniversary, but I doubt she was aware of that.

She wrote from her vacation only to remind me that she doesn't want to "get back together with me" - when it's completely undefined what that would mean.

Why?  Why even from 10,000km away, during a time when we said we'd better keep our distance for a month or two until we can figure out what is going on, why does she have to stab my heart once again? Or rather, wiggle the dagger that has been in this open wound for months, reminding me that she still has control over me?

Craving for reaction from your part, that's why.

Driver, well it provoked a reaction, but she's not around to see it.

I wonder if it's the last I heard from her and how we'll interact when we run into each other (we will).

While I do care about her so much and love her from all my heart I don't want to allow her to crush me like that anymore.

While she's the one I care about the most, she's just another little girl. - This emotional balancing act is hard.

I know how you feel, I really do. And it sucks.

I wasn't contacted. I could pretty much predict the days she will contact me. Valentines not being one of them. Really hope her new supply works for her. Seems to be going well as I have not heard from her but I'm sure she's just talking to her other exes on the side instead of me. Ahhhhhh the silence is a bliss.

Checking in... .not a peep from her.

I'm at almost 1 year of NC (next week); I'll write a post to celebrate in the upcoming days :)