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Today I broke NC with my BPD girlfriend to sort some things out in her whatsapp status (I was on NC until she passed utterly important tests for university , but I was supporting in the background) . I was thinking she was seeing another man and I was right with that.

When she broke up after a moment of crisis, I was sure it was one of her silent treatments, but I discovered that she had, not even one week after that , found a new love in a random guy she met 2 days prior. This drove a dagger right through my heart, as her response only was "well, that happens". She promised me 2 weeks ago this was not the case. Now it is a harsh reality.

She was NEVER like this before, she has totally turned 180 degrees to what she used to be. She has given into a stranger after I carried her for nearly 4 years... .it is not even 3 weeks ago she was my loving wife and now is a woman with nothing more than hatred against me.

The therapist we saw together has also "turned her back" , she is now not only confirming, but also encouraging her behavior.

At the moment, I cannot see any clear way to stand this through. My love is - unfortunately, strong with her.

Hello RicoHal

Welcome here! We re here to listen and support.

Just to better understand, is she your (ex) girlfriend or wife?

What s the story with the therapist, what s he/she saying?

Hello RicoHal,

I'd also like to join Scarlet Phoenix in welcoming you here.

"That happens" mist have hurt horribly. I received similar language. No thought that what "happened" was the consequence of her choices.

How are you in contact now, and what's going on?

Turkish

Well, its nearly 3 weeks with only occassionally contact, just congratulationg her to a passed exam.


I saw in her whatsapp a away message showing she might have a new BF , after asking she confirmed it and things totally turned to pure ice.

She is not the girl I remember 4 weeks ago.

She seems to be enjoying her "new life" . I cannot understand at all what is going on, the particular man is not even that long known to her.

Rico, can you give us a little more context, i.e., provide us details about the relationship; so, how you got to know her, how the relationship evolved, the behaviours you observed during the relationship, the red flags  red-flag , etc.

In this way we can help you in a much greater way and give you insights about what happened :)

Well I have met her 3 years ago and started slowly dating her in an old fashioned manner.


It took about one month before we slept together and we enjoyed a fairly "normal" lifestyle of partners. Things started to get "weird" as there were little struggles with money, when she did not get her will right away. Often she was upset when I was a little late or did not get 100% the right meal (like a certain brand of food). The times with her were very happy, but as soon as I was away for more than 5 days in a row she seemed to snap and turn 180 degrees in her feelings. When I was near her she was warm, was I away she grew colder.

Red flags PHASE 1

I started to avoid some little traps (like beeing more punctual , although my work suffered largely) . The struggles were often times during shopping, when I did not buy a certain item for her (or for me) she chose. I knew that I was not herself talking, but it could usually be calmed in the evening.

Red flags PHASE 2

Her disease became significantly worse when there was trouble from her university , for every bad grade I usually suffered a horrendous backlash. She said she was empty and started starving herself and cutting.

Red flags PHASE 3

As she had no income on her own, she started to worry about money and future in general. She had no time to work (her words) but also little to no responsibility with money. The family started givin her a little, but it was never quite enough. I was working 3 (!) jobs at the time to maintain the rising costs . She occassionally had a phase of NC to chill out a little.

Red flags PHASE 4

There were very often misunderstandings, like when I said something she felt directly attacked. We worked on our communication, but there were phases of TOTAL DISOBEDIENCE , when everything I said was wrong becaus I was "commanding" her (like: please enjoy the evening, I take care of that ===> DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!)


PHASE 5 , ENDPHASE

She quit everything, said she had no more feelings and iniated total NC. She started updating whatsapp more frequently, adressing her new lover she met about 4 days prior by chance. Everything I did was "CRAZY" and "STALKING" .

She has quit in less than a week a tie made for nearly 4 years with the only person ALWAYS beeing there.

Hey Ricoh, let's analyse what you observed. I'll start by saying that we cannot diagnose individuals, since we are not professionals; however, the patterns you've described are very evident and indicate BPD traits.



This is due to fear of abandonment.


Due to fear of abandonment, BPDs cannot really trust their partners, so they have to continuously test us by means of illogical arguments, fights, etc.


Starving and cutting are huge red flag indicators, since these are typical BPD traits (low self-esteem, suicidal ideations, auto-punishment).


Even my exgf had very low responsibility about money; indeed, I had to offer her almost everything (e.g., when we went out for a dinner). She didn't care about my financial situation and expected that I cared about her, regardless of my needs.



Yeah, gaslighting, circular and irrational arguments, fights on nothing... .typical BPD behaviour. Also, realize that as the relationship progresses, BPDs start to see us more and more as an hypercritical parent (often, this coincides with their mother; note also that BPDs have often a very conflictual relationship with at least one of their parents, typically the mother).



Even mine moved on extremely quickly, and regardless of my feelings. Again, this is normal and common for BPDs.