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So how did I spend my Valentine's Day?

I received an email from the ex, telling me how she's enjoying her vacation and reminding me that she doesn't want to get back together with me and that we should better be friends.

I wonder why she has to remind me of this. Why is she firing homing missiles to blow up my heart from the other side of the planet, when things were just cooling down around here?

Before she left she said she's still torn and confused (2 guys). What I really hope is she is liberating herself from both of us, so she can be free. (Hoping for another pull.)

Shes only gone one week out of three, we had agreed to not talk until she's back, so why did she write now?

She also wrote that if I'm happy, the right partner for me will surely come along.

Well I see that she doesn't want to pick up our r/s wherever we left it (which was completely out of the question), but in between the lines of the part about me finding somebody new, I read pain, and that it was hard for her to write these things. (When we talk, even when she's sure she doesn't want me, only mentioning moving on hurts her a lot.)

What confuses me is that she is bringng up "us" and the relationship, when currently the question is more:

Can we both be in the same room, as friends, without starting to undress each other? Can we be friends when we're still so attracted to each other as it always seems?

It was a painful weekend. Once more I'm lost, on the surface there's no hope at all. But I'm somehow still hoping we could get the 2nd chance we deserve, when things are clearer and less chaotic.

The hope is growing thinner, though. I'm just so sure this wasn't the end of it.

Sigh.

Hi Crazytoo, I m sorry it was a rough weekend. It can drive us crazy to think about the why and the wherefore behind someone elses behavoir. And when that person struggles with regulating feelings, it s even harder to guess why.

Did you respond?

Thank you Scarlet Phoenix!

I did not respond even though I would really want to talk to her, without faling into JADE. I won't disturb her peaceful, insightful vacation time.

I'd want to ask why did she bring "us" up? talking about this subject never worked in the last months. I say "We don't have to be clingy and dependent and feel locked up in a traditional r/s" And she'd say "we'd only spend time together, be clingy, too close, dependent." It's always circular. Even though the idea of a non-traditional, possibly slightly "open"  r/s is intriguing to her.

I'd want to ask if she brings it up because she is (considering) (now, once more, finally, for real?) breaking up with the other guy.

I'd want to ask why she brings up me finding somebody new, when one of the last things I said to her was I'm not really looking for a new relationship any time soon. That is true because It wouldn't be fair to anybody new and I still love her madly.

I'd just want to tell my little girl, that everything is alright.

I just want to give her flowers and chocolates and ask her to see a show with me and not think about anything but the present moment.

Today I managed to get out of bed with the thought "If it's not going to be her, then somebody 'better' will come along."  Of course I love her and tricked myself with this, but what can I do?

I looked in the mirror and thought "Two weeks not drinking, better diet, almost daily workout... .it's working. She'll be stupid if she doesn't want me"

I know I'm supposed to be strong, but I basically spent 2 days straight crying since reading the email. (Even though it's old news)

Now I'm sitting here with my morning coffee and I'm sobbing again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8N0_p6kZ9U (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8N0_p6kZ9U)

I know it's her truth and it is coming from somewhere "I don't want to get back together with you"  But we never really tried a real relationship after our awesome honeymoon time. So there is no knowing what "back together" means. We have no idea if and how a relationship with us could work. We both like each other a lot, have the hots for each other, and are compatible in things we like to do.

It was so short but the best time of my life, I'll just pretend it never stopped

I'm not planning to contact her. Maybe she will contact me some time after she's back. We will run into each other anyways.

Maybe we can continue to build up our friendship which was looking just so great.

If she doesn't contact me, she'll slowly fade into bittersweet paradox memories. (whuch hopefully one day won't make my heart jump out of my chest in joy only to suffocate within a second)

But I think we're not done yet

.

I know we're very special to each other.


I'm hanging in there, thank you.

I just love her very much

Right now I'm wondering, I could reply with something short, light and funny? Like:

Hey, I've been thinking about it, too and doing some maths:

In twenty-five years from now, when I'll be 60, you will be 48.

What on earth would I want with a woman that's almost 50, you know me better than that!

Sorry babe, I don't think it's going to work out with us, either.

(You still owe me that 50 you took from my table after you broke up.

Call me whenever you're horny. (and not 48 yet))

Love you

--

Maybe omitting the part in brackets :)