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There is a decent chance that my wife has been planning to get rid of me for a while.  There has been lots of button pushing going on for a while, most of which I have been able to respond to properly.

There was some sleep deprivation stuff that I was pretty grumpy over, but I don't believe was out of bounds or harmful.

Police were called one night and, in my opinion, focused on calming them down more than me and helped establish a plan for me to get sleep in this house.

Here family is backing her up. 

Is there any way to go put something in ahead of time so that I don't get a RO or some other weird ex parte order (hopefully I said it right) without me getting a say in things before something weird happening like me getting banned from my house. 

My guess is that they would try to use "everybody is scared of him".

I have recordings of my wife telling the kids how insane I am as I am trying to get her to take the conversation private.

Sigh, really wish I wan't having to write this stuff.

FF

I think you need a lawyer.  red-flag

I have consulted one, but haven't retained him.  Wife has said some really vague but threatening stuff and is portraying the incident where I held the door shut to keep her away from me as an "attack" on her.

So, I retreat around the house and because she has unlocked doors before, this time I hold the door shut that is somehow abusive against her,

Sigh.

Yes, will call my L tomorrow.

FF

If you apply for an RO first?

Granted, your RO filing could be denied, just as her RO filing could be denied.  So what would be the difference?  If you file first then you probably would have a slightly better start in court.

My story... .  My ex was becoming more and more paranoid about everyone "probably" being abusers.  Not possibly, I asked and she held fast to "probably".  Once she drove every one else away she started looking strangely at me.  That's when I realized I was in danger of false but emotionally compelling allegations.  I started recording.  In one particularly intense incident she was making death threats.  When I had opportunity to get to a phone, I called 911.  By the time the police arrived, unsuccessfully tried to get our preschooler go to his mother (he was quietly sobbing in my arms, clinging to me like a tree frog) and so though I was asked to "step away" they drove away without me since son was glued to me.  Later she told me they gave her a DV pamphlet, clearly they defaulted to her.  I didn't get one until I called for an officer to listen to the recording.  To make a long story short, she had to face Threat of DV charges, that case was pending for months before it was eventually tried and dismissed.  Meanwhile, since that court declined to deal with custody issues, she went to domestic court and file for a PO for herself and preschooler.  At the first hearing CPS stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me so I was given an alternate weekend schedule and the case was dismissed (withdrawn) a few months later.

Anyway, my point is that (1) surprisingly she made no DV allegations against me, just child abuse ones.  I think her being arrested for making death threats stopped her from claiming the same about me, clearly she wasn't afraid of me.  Also, (2) it set the tone for the separation and later divorce.  I started out with the home in the DV case and she never returned.  While it didn't help much with the custody issues and didn't stop her endless stream of allegations I felt it was not as much of an "uphill struggle" as it could have been otherwise.

My feeling is that if you file for RO and divorce writing "last month she... ." or "last week she... ." then you might not get very much court intervention.  Like emergency services, if it isn't ongoing or had recently happened then due to the timing of the report it has fewer chances of being seen as 'actionable'.  Have the lawyer's paperwork ready and just fill in the blanks ASAP after an incident occurs.  Or go to police or court to file for protection, again, ASAP. 

A second issue is that without her parenting behaviors seen as bad then they may not connect the dots from bad adult behaviors to poor parenting behaviors.  I think that was my problem, it took 8 years from date of separation for the court to apply "disparaging father" (at least six times in the latest order) to my ex.  They saw the behaviors but were so reluctant to call her out, evidently expecting the conflict would fade away after each tweak of the order.  So my advice to you is to be sure to include any impact on the children when describing her actions.  Were any crying?  Hiding?  Trying to intervene?  If the children are present, be sure to mention clearly they were witnessing it all, etc.


Get legal advice on this but I wonder whether you would have to go back to the prior state for custody issues if less then 6 months in the new state.  Perhaps it would only be if one or both of you did not want the new state to handle the case and forced a return to the prior state.  If her family is in the new state, she may want the new state to handle the long-term issues of custody.  Which state would be better for you?

I'm writing about the custody determinations.  RO's would likely be handled where you now reside.  Again, IMO and not a lawyer's opinion.

Get several digital recorders.  Keep one on you at all times and charged. It is not to "get" her, it is to protect you.

Get the attorney on retainer.

Talk to family or friend about having a place you can go to when she escalates the situation.  Toward the end, my ex constantly was at me with the sleep deprivation and stuff.  I learned the most powerful thing I could do was to simply leave.  Not move out for days or anything like that, simply get in the car and drive over to family's house, or drive to grocery store lot nearby and call my friends for support, or sometimes just take a nap until I was ready to go back.  After the divorce a couple neighbors asked where I went almost every night after  10 pm?  LOL.

You probably have a file on record if the police have already shown up. It would be good to ask a lawyer how that might affect you in the event she files for a PO. And also how the prior CPS intervention that took place a while back in another state might impact you.

Look up whether your state has mandatory and/or dual arrest laws in case she calls 911 and reports you for DV.

Keep receipts in a binder by the month in case you have to prove your whereabouts. Document everything.

In most states, a temporary PO is granted. Then both parties are expected to show up in court for the second hearing. If she does file a PO, it's possible you will temporarily have to live elsewhere until the second hearing.  

I don't know what to say about the scenarios you are describing, whether they seem like escalations or not. But my sense is that if she is not someone who has used the legal system to abuse you in the past, she isn't about to start. If I just heard the facts and didn't know anything else about your story, I would guess the person most likely to use the legal system to intervene in the family drama would be you because of prior history doing that. Sometimes we project our fears onto the other person because that idea is knocking around in our head, and isn't on their radar at all.

Just a thought.