BPDFamily.com

It took me almost thirty years to get that my husband has a real mental health issue. Naturally over these years my parents got to know and of course like my charismatic husband. My mother died seven years ago but I have always had a trustworthy bond with my Dad and wish I could tell him something about how things have been going in my marriage. I don't want to blow apart his image of my husband or the way they get along. I just would like to share something about how hard this is for me right now. (In the tradition of codependency, I have always protected my parents from my problems - another piece of why this is a challenge for me.)

So much of this BPDh stuff feels like a Zen koan to me. Can anyone suggest or share ways to share something of the challenge with close family? Is it possible to do at all?  Thanks!

Hello Daisy,

I have been married to my uBPDw for 21 years.  She too looks wonderful to all that know her outside of our nuclear family.  What I have to say may or may not be perceived as advice but I can share what seems to make things better for me.  I have absolutely no one to talk to.  Nobody knows the depths of the never ending emotional distress I have weathered or continue to endure.  I have read posts, lessons and actively been present on this site for a couple years but it wasn't until I became active by posting in the posts that I felt a reduction in the need to uncover my wife's true nature.  I developed a better understanding of BPD, my wife and was able to lessen the emotional burden of the daily routine while also reducing the haunting past emotional turmoil within myself.  Posting here has delivered an amount of peace I didn't think I could achieve.  Just by sharing, being validated here (because validation by uBPDw is seen as often as Haley's Comet(Once every 75 yrs) lol and getting some support I feel less of a need to expose my wife's disorder.  I think it is because the increased knowledge of BPD thru the lessons, interventions, coupled with the peace and acceptance I have received here posting have helped to foster a decline in my resentment of uBPDw and her behavior.

Good luck... .Lord knows it's not easy |iiii

My personal philosophy is mostly... .

If I am talking about another person... .Make sure to say it exactly as I would if that person were standing and listening to it.  

My exceptions:

Here

Therapy

I am pretty cautious about sharing about people otherwise.

 

My advice would be to NOT share, until and if it ever becomes directly relevant to something your Dad needs to decide or do

Also, it's wonderful you have a good r/s with your Dad.  Sounds like you know he is in your corner. 

If you haven't told him by now, then that is likely how you were raised and is the family norm.  In my family, especially with my Dad, we don't "carry tales".  If there  is an important issue, then someone will say something directly to that person, or  a person will go observe something with their own eyes and ears.

I even lived with my parents for a few months during a separation with my wife, so they knew that there was some marriage strain, but I didn't give them details.  They expressed love and support for me and for my wife and family. 

Another reason to refrain from telling details is you can set up a triangle.  Not all are bad, but they are complicated.

Quick story:  We are living in my father's house.  He is helping us get a new start in life.  Anyway, in a BPDish fueled event one evening my wife and her sister and eventually her father were trying to make me go sleep somewhere else.  They were claiming that they controlled the house and could do what they want, and I could do nothing to stop it.

Well, I had two options.  I could report all this to my Dad or I could let him come experience it for himself.  I chose to call him and ask him to come check it out for himself.  It was a bit of a shock to him, he handled it pretty well and got to see it all in action.

My guess is your Father realizes that everyone has problems and every r/s is dealing with something.

FF

I recently revealed to my family. I wanted them to know what has been going on and why they have seen changes in me and my H lately. I didn't get into a lot of specifics but I let them know that it has been rough for me lately. When I told them, I shared the video on the front side of this page about "what is BPD". I introduced BPD to them as a mental illness that he is trying to get help for. They were very supportive and said that they had been wondering what was going on with him lately.

It took a huge burden off of me to just say it outloud to someone. It let me know that if for some reason I ever needed help that it wouldn't shock or surprise my family. Again, I did not share specifics. I don't want my mom to look at my H as a bad person. She doesn't need to know about his raging or our fights. She just needs to know that one day I might need more support. Or that sometimes we can't visit as long because he is feeling overwhelmed.