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I am going to marriage counseling with my (I think) BPD wife. In our first session, I brought up the fact I thought she might be BPD, and my wife fired back at me with my emotional baggage (but didn't deny her BPD). The counselor just said to both of us "There is allot of diagnosing going on here on both sides". I just want to know what peoples experiences are with BPD and marriage counseling. The counselor wont call anybody out on bad behaviour, his position is that the person who acted bag has to realize it, if he says it, its worthless. How do I try and show her BPD issue while not attacking her and posing it in the most constructive light possible. The ultimate goal would be for her to get into treatement and for us to work out our relationship. 

Talking about BPD with you pwBPD is very difficult. It makes them feel labeled and broken. Whereas many people like to put a name to what they are going through pwBPD see it as another reason for them to be rejected by their loved ones.

Perhaps you could use your time in MC to talk about the BPD behavior that is most difficult for you. As you talk about it hopefully the T will give you both help in how to communicate about it or teach you behavior changes you both can make to work through those difficult behaviors.

For your SO to get a more in depth counseling she will probably need to do T one on one. This is where she can get into the specifics of what is going on with her. I have found that it seems like a lot of T don't like to put a label on people. Maybe it's an insurance thing. Or maybe it's so the person they are counseling doesn't feel labeled. When you put a name on it, it's easier to say, "Well I can't fix that. It's just my BPD." But if you talk about changing behavior that is easier to do if it's not set in stone.

Hi w9isgrate,

Labels have value in the sense that they bundle stuff, accentuate stuff and make us focus. Labels are also inherently unfair to anything they are applied. It's been spelled out once - damage done - and also - value earned. This is now water under the bridge. Move forward.

You are dealing with certain specific unhealthy behavior. That behavior is common for pwBPD but it is unhealthy in general and it is also human. You are dealing with specific limitations and needs of your partner which are also common with pwBPD but also common to a maybe less pronounced way in the general populace.


The counselor sounds like not be willing to play the role of a referee at least not overtly. Which to a degree may be a good thing as it prevents triangulation of the two parties via him. There is a lot of truth in that telling a person who is angry won't change a thing and the person need to learn for themselves.

What do you want to get out for yourself in these settings?

*welcome*,

a0

I've been going to MC with my uBPDw for about 5 months now. I have never told either the therapist or my wife about BPD. I tell my story about what happens in our relationship and what I don't enjoy about some of her behavior (unfounded accusations of infidelity, intentionally trying to harm her, intentionally trying to harm her dog). It took a few sessions for her to get comfortable with the T but after that she has found freedom in dysregulating in most impressive ways almost every session. At some point the T mentioned BPD but never pinned the label on her. It seems that allowing her to blow off steam in this controlled environment has at least kept things at an even (although uncomfortable) point for us at home.

I'm going to continue doing this (not mentioning BPD) because I don't see how it would be constructive. We continue to go to therapy and my wife continues to go to her therapist (no BPD label there either).  Our T had us read Trauma and Recovery by J. Herman - I found it very informative and now understand where my wife is coming from far better; she is still reading it and continues to get a lot out of it so I'm cautiously optimistic of our relationship improving in the future.

IMO you should stick with working on the behavioral and communication issues with your T without pointing the finger either at your wife or yourself.

I have not had good success with uBPDw and marriage counseling. It doesn't seem like many have.

My naive thinking when uBPDw finally agreed to go to joint counseling was, "Great, someone will FINALLY tell her she has a problem." It never quite turned out that way, even with multiple counselors.

The first counselor (who I had already been to a couple of sessions with by myself) knew a great deal about BPD and was very helpful to me. uBPDw went to one joint session, got in a shouting match with the counselor, and that was it. uBPDw then accused me of having an affair with the counselor.

Soo, on to the next. This time I let uBPDw pick the counselor. We went half a dozen times, but uBPDw put on her BPD "I'm the victim" show, and refused to do any of the assignments/exercises the counselor gave us to work on, and then stopped going altogether.

We tried one more, same results.

I have had much better success with just attending counseling myself, for my own needs. It helps keep me grounded and out of BPD crazytown.