BPDFamily.com

Situation A)

You have panic disorder, you need therapy. You know many therapists around your region are charlatans (that's a fact around here), so it's tough to find a good one. Your SO therapist refer us to her colleague. Your SO sees that she's pretty and rages. Her raging involves:

- Demanding you don't see that therapist, that you should find a male therapist.

- By stating she's certain you're going to end up hooking up with her because she believes in destiny.

- By crying desperately, by asking other people's opinion (she's also a DPD).

- She tells stories about how friends or people she knows or read about hooked up with their patient. How a doctor flirted with her when she was single by asking her, "How's the heart, in love?" and how repulsed she was by that. Basically all kinds of experience from other people to 'win' the argument and get what she wants.

It was only after talking to my mother and her therapist that she agreed to let me do it.


What I did:

- Defended myself over and over by calmly expressing that she's a professional counselor and  not a hooker.

- Argued for hours, days even. It was bad, very bad. She had a melt down.

How would you have handled it?

*My mother currently thinks I should abandon therapy and go to church.*

Situation B)

It's pretty common for some women to greet everyone with a cheek kiss around your region, everyone does it. So, one day you're mindlessly watching TV with your SO and she goes, "Hey, did you greet your therapist today with a cheek kiss?", you just automatically answer, "Yeah", thinking nothing of it.

All of the sudden she becomes a fiery tornado by turning her back to you and yelling she doesn't wanna watch TV anymore. She mentions with rage in her voice, "I didn't like that, I don't like that at all, I HATE that".

(Note: I watched the video on validation, but I really don't wanna validate this kind of irrational behavior, I could've said, 'Yeah, I don't like it as well, I'm never doing it again', but it's not how the world works, unless I lie to her)

- She curls into a ball, you clearly see how emotions have taken a hold of her.

- She insults your therapist and her kid (because she cyber-stalked your therapist and knows all about her, how many years she's married, how many kids, how they look like, etc).

- She acts like a raging 6 year old who didn't get the lollipop she really wanted.

- She breaks out the past and throws it in your face (things you did almost a decade before you met her)

- She tells stories about how friends or people she knows or read about hooked up with their patient.


What I did:

- Calmly defended myself, expressing that has nothing to do with anything. My SO colleague greeted me with a cheek kiss and I never saw that woman in my life before that day, but my SO said this situation was different because that woman is ugly. It's truly exceptionally irrational.

- Argued for hours until I found myself around the circular argument not even knowing what we're arguing about anymore.

What I think I should have done:

- Removed myself from the situation. - I never did that nor did I let her remove herself because when there's conflict I wanna resolve it no matter what it takes, I do stand up for myself and do what I think it's right, so I could be arguing for more than 5 hours.


What would you have done in both situations?

Tough situation.

I would say the best thing to do would be to try to validate her fear. She has an intense fear that you will leave her for the T. pwBPD have an intense fear of abandonment.

One thing you said a couple of times was that you defended yourself. When you defend yourself a pwBPD sees this as invalidating what they believe to be true. In essence they see it as, "I think X. You tell me that X is not true. You are now telling me that what I think isn't valid." We have a saying here that is ":)on't JADE." Don't JADE=Don't Justify, Apologize, Defend, or Explain. When you do these things it just makes the situation worse.

As you are newer to the board I would highly suggest that you begin reading the lessons on the right side of the page ------------->. This will help get you into a better place when it comes to validation and understanding you SO.

Hello madlove,

Sounds tough, and I understand your want to resolve conflict between you. However, when you're dealing with pwBPD conflict resolution as you are finding can be hard to navigate and doesn't follow the usual rules.

I can hear from the duration of your arguments that they are most likely circular, which by their very nature will have no resolution in sight.

Here are a couple of links to get you started on alternatives to dealing with the situations you talk about above.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

This second link was my go to favourite when I first started addressing conflict and communication in my marriage. It is still the technique that I hold fast to now because it works.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

Have a read, then come back and let us know what you think, can you do that?

Thanks for that.

I've read it all. I do like it all to be honest. However, sometimes it's tough to place the lessons in certain arguments, such as the one I mentioned above. I'm trying to visualize a better way to deal with it.

If instead of JADE I said, "I understand your fear of something happening between me and the therapist, it's okay to have them. However, know that because I love you, nothing will ever happen, you know that, right?" I'm using SET & validating her this way, aren't I?

However, if she prolongs the argument or is truly blinded by rage, should I just remove myself from the situation?

She does that to me sometimes, when she's raging she's the one that wanna remove herself sometimes. However, if I let her, she's going to spend the whole day sulking, pouting, and then it's going to come back to me and bite me in the ass later on, she doesn't forget sometimes. That's what I'm scared of. She repeats until she gets an answer, like a small child asking something to her mom, "Mom, is that blue?", "MOM", "MOOMMMMM, IS THAT BLUE OR NOT?", "MOOMMMMMMMM, BLUE OR NOT?"

It's puzzling to deal with it even with all these materials and lessons, I'm going to have to keep trying these things and figure it out what works and what doesn't.

Your doing great madlove, it is a lot about finding out what works for you. It can be different each time, what we know for sure is arguing back is rarely helpful.

Yes you were using SET  |iiii

In the place where you used 'however' with your Truth, try 'remember' it can be softer and sound less critical to the very sensitive pwBPD ear.

Our advice on this forum that will help you improve your relationship is if the communication tools aren't working, the argument is circular or escalating, then making a polite exit is best. Yes your SO may brood and moan and feel unhappy, this is because you are leaving her to learn to try and self-soothe.

It is ok to say that you do not want to continue the conversation as the T part of SET, and then follow through with this by not doing so.

I agree it can be puzzling working through all the tools and lessons, and I understand the desire to sort things out now, remember though there's no rush.

Having and using a small repertoire of the tools that work for you is better than trying to master everything all at once. 

I just tried SET & validation, and it sort of worked?

I'm going on a big meeting tomorrow at the office, I shaved my face clean, she goes,

"Oh my, you're too beautiful to go like that, everyone is gonna look at you. No, I don't want you to go looking like that" she frowns.

I would usually invalidate such a response that would cause a semi-argument. However, this time I stroked her face and went,

"It's okay, I understand you may feel as though I'm walking around looking good and women are looking at me with desire and such, but remember, you're the one I love and want".

She looked puzzled for a second,

"Y-you understand?".

"Yeah, I can relate to that if you were walking around with your hair done and full of make up I might feel the same way" (On a lesser scale, obviously)

"Yeah" she looked happy and dropped it. Happiness all around this time. Hopefully I can maintain it on a larger scale.

 :)

Good for you, that sounded just fine for you both.

Sometimes trying it out on safer smaller things can really help build your confidence. ( I appreciate this can escalate too )

Also when it works I find it really works and helps. Validating relationship minutiae has helped  my dBPDh stay at his emotional baseline sometimes for longer. Certainly longer than before I used it.

Woot Woot! GOod job!