BPDFamily.com

Hi, this is my first post. Basically an introduction. I would love to get feedback as it moves you.

I'm in my mid-40s and I only recently put together the clues about the mental illness in my family, thanks to my counselor. I always knew my mom was severely depressed (she passed away a few years ago) and I knew from a young age that she had crazy ideas (rigidity of arbitrary flavors, month by month sometimes!) but only recently I came to understand that she had characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder as well as borderline personality disorder. And my sister is showing the same behavior patterns, except more externally focused - impulsivity very obvious, rages, etc. where our mom seems relatively "muted" or inward in comparison. Unfortunately our mom never put much stock into doctors of any type and my sister is following suit, though recent court-ordered counseling may change that. (Hoping so, even though she seems to be "going through the motions."

I'm setting boundaries with my sister, including either no response or very careful/judicious response to accusatory or inflammatory text messages (I woke to 16 texts from her the other day!) and not being around her unless there is another adult. Careful response might be "I'm sorry you're feeling down. I love you." and repeat as necessary. It's so hard because I miss her and she is not allowing me to have contact with my niece right now, she says "until you address our issues." (but she doesn't describe how to do so and refuses to do counseling together).

My niece (sister's daughter) is high school age. I text her and offer to chat any time. She is good about responding to my texts with "thanks" and "love you" but she does not go beyond surface. I'm hopeful that she will at some point in the future. I know she is balancing a lot and I imagine she feels responsible for her mom's emotional health, but maybe I'm reading that into the situation because that was my experience growing up.

I'm beginning to realize, bit by bit, the impact of my mom's mental illness on me. For one, I picked up a lot of narcissistic behaviors, while thankfully not having the disorder myself (my counselor says I may have issues, but BPD is not one of them. lol). I'm learning how to replace those behaviors with healthier ones by being more present. For another, I'm realizing that my mom basically trained me to feel responsible for any problem that arose, regardless of its origin! I remember coming home from elementary school and checking on her (picking up how she was feeling) before I felt free to make myself a snack or read a book or play outside. If she was having a bad day, I felt like it was my responsibility to help her feel better. Even as I grew older, I stayed in the house to keep tabs on her. The sudden switch to peers when I was 15 didn't go over well. There was neglect and avoidance of parenting decisions. I left home early and our relationship did not survive. But it seems that my sisters and parents continued to depend on me to manage issues that came up in the family and I continued to respond as if the world were on my shoulders.

I'm ready to get off that roller coaster.

Is this board a good place to talk about dreams?

I dreamt of a small girl in a big house. In the dream I am a female police detective sent to investigate a homicide. I see images of a woman dismembered and bloody in the living room. Very gory!

I somehow "know" that the little girl did it. She is around 8 years old, and the woman was her mom. I decide to keep an eye on her and ultimately bring her in as a suspect. I keep telling the girl not to touch stuff because it is a "crime scene" but she makes excuses for putting her hands on everything. The girl is crafty and secretive. I walk to the living room and it is spotless! Somehow the girl has covered up her crime.

The girl likes me and wants to show me things, but she's holding back because I'm in a position of authority. She is all alone in this world, yet strong, witty, present. She keeps putting her fingerprints everywhere, right in front of me, as if to flaunt her deed. She knows I can't pin it on her. I am amazed at this tiny, wiry bit of a girl, even if I'm scared of her! I'm just doing my job as an investigator.

But as we leave the house together, my job takes a back seat. We join a caravan of family members - all women and girls descending several flights of stairs. I am fond of this girl. On the other hand, I'm concerned with keeping the girl in custody and planning ahead to tell everyone at the precinct to beware her cleverness.

The flights of stairs go down, down, down. They seem to never end. Walking those steps and turning at each landing is so laborious. Some groups of kids, sometimes with adults, take shortcuts by leaping from one landing to the next. The girl is wearing a borrowed black jacket, leather and too big for her. She's trying to sell the leap-shortcut idea to some other kids. I hold back, even though I'm scared for them. I feel timid. At the next landing, I don't see the girl and I panic. The group of kids she tried to sell the idea to are still there, but no girl. I look down to the next landing and there isn't one - we're on the last flight of stairs and it's only dirt below.

Blindly I run down the remaining steps. They seem to go on forever. Finally I reach the dirt. I see kids lying everywhere, moaning or dead. But I can't find the girl. I feel like she foiled me again. I hope she is still alive somewhere.

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What I'm getting from this dream: My younger self Eight wants to tell me how angry she was at Mom, how she ultimately had to (metaphorically) kill her. There is another part of me that is always judging to determine guilt. Eight doesn't want to open up to Judger but does want to drop some hints. Eight would ultimately like to share everything if Judger could suspend the guilt determination long enough to really listen. The flights of stairs remind me of Persephone's regular descents into madness/hell.

I'd love to hear your perspectives.

Thanks for reading!

Hi mayallheal

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for sharing your story with us

I am sorry you had to deal with a disordered mother. That isn't easy for a child. Your mother has passed away but you are still dealing with your disordered sister. Do you feel your sister has ever in any way genuinely acknowledged or showed any understanding that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

Boundaries are indeed very important when dealing with disordered family-members as they help keep us safe and protect our own well-being. That's why I am glad you are setting boundaries with your sister. Would you say setting and enforcing/boundaries with your sister is something you are comfortable with doing?

The accusatory and inflammatory texts you describe are quite unpleasant. We have some material about dealing with hostile text/e-mail communication that you might find helpful:

Dealing with hostile communications - B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling in their adult lives with certain unhealthy behaviors and/or coping mechanisms. Often this is something children copy/learn from their disordered parents. I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here. In the right-hand side margin of this board we have the so-called Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse. I encourage you to take a look at it. The guide helps us transition from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now?

I find your dream about that 8 year old girl very interesting. She could very wel symbolize a younger version of you. Many children of disordered parents find themselves doing inner child work as they process and heal from their past experiences of abuse. Pete Walker who has written about healing from childhood abuse says the following about the inner child:

"Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared."

Have you ever had dreams like this before or was this the first time?

Take care

Hi Kwamina, thanks for your reply! I have been really pressed for time lately and now I'm finally able to get back to you.


Unfortunately only rarely and then in a highly evasive and vague fashion, never responding to pointed conversation about her behavior but instead repeating back the suggestion and applying it to the person complaining.


Only recently have I become comfortable with setting and enforcing boundaries with my sister. It is a new thing for me.


Thank you very much for the link! BIFF is a great tool to keep in mind. I currently am NC or VBIFF (very brief - haha).


I feel that I am in the middle of the Mourning stage. Thank you, that's very helpful to look at.


I've had many interesting dreams about babies and children that seem to represent parts of myself.

Thank you for reading and giving those tips!