BPDFamily.com

Hi, I'm new to this site. Not sure how to start but here it goes. My wife was diagnosed with BPD a little over a year ago. She has gone to therapy and things seemed to get a little better and started to take responsibility for her actions. Recently things have gotten worse. She thinks that I am now the problem. I "don't love her enough" and I put everything else ahead of her which isn't true. She stopped seeing her therapist saying she has the tools she needs to control her actions.

Basically every argument turns into her saying I'm being a careless husband, that I don't love her, I make her miserable, etc. It has put me down and demotivated me. I don't know what to say because she is VERY good and making anything I say my fault somehow. An example of this is she asked me if we can go to the Grand Canyon on the way from Cali to Utah while we're moving. I told her it's not a good idea since we have our dog and cat and luggage compacted in a small car and it would be a better idea to plan that trip later when were settled. Her reaction was that I'm a boring old man who doesn't like to humor her and make things fun and let loose. Then it turned into a huge argument and diverted into how I don't love her etc. etc.

Every argument turns into the same conversation. What should I do? I'm lost and don't know how to handle this. Walking away doesn't help but only fuels the fire. Talking about it ends up me being at fault for everything. I don't want a divorce because I love her but it isn't looking good. It's either heads she's right or tails I'm wrong. Help!

Welcome to the group. Living with someone with BPD can be so confusing. We often feel like we are to blame and even question whether they things they say about us are true.

Even though your wife has a mental illness, we, the Nons, have contributed to the unhealthy pattern in our relationship. There are so many things you can do to help make things better... .for you. I highly suggest reading through the lessons on the right side of the page. ----------------> These lessons will give you a better understanding of BPD and how to better communicate with your partner. You'll learn how to validate and not accept blame for their accusations.

Thank you for the insight. Those topics were very helpful.

I still don't know what to do with some situations. Today she was excited to show me photos of her photoshoot she did a little while ago. The photographer was one of my good friends. I was not present at the photoshoot. After seeing a few photos I started to get uncomfortable from the fact she was topless (hands covering chest) but still exposing herself a little. I got upset a little because I have my own values and respect in a relationship. The photos were a little innapropriate in my opinion. She didn't let me know she was going to be taking photos with her shirt off. I told her I didn't approve because it crossed my "comfortable zone". We have been through what we feel comfortable doing and not doing in the past.

She got extremely upset saying she can do what she wants and if she wanted to do more she could. She made me feel like I was the bad guy not letting her do what she wants. Then we got on the topic again, that I am a terrible husband etc. Am I wrong about confronting her about this situation? I felt like it violated my morals.