|
Title: Struggling emotionally with uNPD sister and mum. Post by: sweetheart on February 19, 2016, 10:32:46 AM Hello everybody I'm usually in Staying my h has BPD and schizophrenia. We have a s7 and together we are relative to us a Success story.
I've been lurking here for the longest while because coming to this forum and learning about myself and my dBPDh's illness helped me see things in my FOO from a different perspective. I realise even though I always knew it that my mum and sister have narcissistic traits, my sisters became much more visible and destructive 5 years ago when our father died and our mum moved back to live with her in our family home. It seems to me that at no point in my life have I been able to sustain a simaltaneous relationship with my mum and sister. Since my mum moved back in to our family home with my sister and her family I realise that I have been unwittingly caught up in some serious triangulation where I am always cast as the persecutor to my sisters victim role, and rescuer to mother as victim. It took me so long perhaps until today to realise that my mum has orchestrated this dynamic and as I was so desperate to have a relationship with her I couldn't see what was happening. I feel quite blindsided and really hurt by my own stupidity. I just phoned my mum today who dropped into the conversation that my sister had taken my brother and his children to the theatre today. Ordinarily this wouldn't matter, but my sister wanted to buy theatre tickets as a birthday present for my son after Christmas, but because I said it would be better for us to discuss shows and dates before we booked tickets she hasn't spoken to me since. She's just posted pictures of the trip on FB and I feel so upset, and my upset feels pathetic to me like I should be able to rise above this, but I can't. And just to make matters worse when my mum told me, I was stupid enough to say that I felt upset that me and s7 had been left out and it would have been lovely if we could have all gone together. Of course my mum completely invalidated how I felt and told me I was being stupid. My mum thinks it's perfectly normal that it is not possible for her children to do anything together. She actually said well you can arrange to go separately. Thankfully I recognised that I was fully triggered at this point and changed the subject, to which she said, 'sweetheart you are so weird, making a big deal out of something you can go enjoy yourself.' I felt a scream rise in my chest. It's awful it sets up this desire in me to be really passive aggressive and not speak to either of them ever again. I've just realised as I'm writing this I feel like a teenager, I feel like being stroppy and surly and moody. It wouldn't do any good though, it would just be invalidated. I'm not sure what I want from posting. I know I feel hurt and I want to extricate myself from the triangle. I know I am angry with my sister. I know I am emotionally buying into something with my mum that I was free of for years. I want some help to navigate this stuff, it feels yucky and sticky and I spent many years extricating myself from this stuff before. It's like my fathers death gave everyone permission to fight dirty. Title: Re: Struggling emotionally with uNPD sister and mum. Post by: steelwork on February 19, 2016, 12:46:44 PM sweetheart, I can relate to what you're saying. Very much so. The specific dynamics with my mother and siblings are different, but:
It took me so long perhaps until today to realise that my mum has orchestrated this dynamic and as I was so desperate to have a relationship with her I couldn't see what was happening. I feel quite blindsided and really hurt by my own stupidity. Yeah. I just normalized so much that was really hurtful for so long. Once the scales started dropping from my eyes, there was this hypercorrection of stunning grief. Then rage. Now it's simmering grief and anger. It's hard dealing with my mom in ordinary ways, and yet the situation is not bad enough that it merits my withdrawal from the relationship. It's just a really sucky in-between place. Maybe you and I can vent to each other. I'll look for your posts. Title: Re: Struggling emotionally with uNPD sister and mum. Post by: Kwamina on February 19, 2016, 01:56:29 PM Hi sweetheart
When you grow up in a certain type of environment and have to deal with certain behaviors day in and day out right from the very start, it can be very hard to really see just how dysfunctional the dynamics might be. Even when you find things unpleasant, it is still all you know and all you are used to. You could say that because it's all you know, this is your 'normal'. I encourage you not to judge yourself too harshly for 'only now' realizing what's going on in your FOO. Only when you are able to look at the situation from an outsider's perspective, as an outsider looking in, will it be really possible to identify the dysfunction. After your experiences with your husband, you have learned to look at things with new eyes and are now able to see more clearly what is really going on in your family. You now see the triangulation going on as modeled in the Karpmann Triangle. Now that you recognize what is going on, you can start trying to respond in alternative ways to your mom and sis without playing the role of persecutor or rescuer. The 'Caring' or 'Winning' Triangle can help with that: Excerpt In 1990, Acey Choy M.Ed., PTSTA, introduced the Winning Triangle in the Transactional Analysis Journal as the antithesis of the Karpman Triangle. Her work has been heralded by Dr. Karpman as "excellent". Choy contrasts the unhealthy dynamics of each role of the Karpman triangle with healthy dynamics. Fjelstad, in her book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, offers a similar model. ... . Assert rather than persecute. Instead of the actions of the persecutor, who blames and punishes - give up trying to force or manipulate others to do what you want. Take on the new behaviors of "doing " and "asserting ". Ask for what you want. Say no for what you don't want. Give constructive feedback. Initiate negotiations. Take positive action. Be vulnerable, but not a victim. "Victims " often feel overwhelmed, too defeated to solve their problems and emotions. They look to someone else to do it for them. Instead of the victim role you need to be emotionally mature (vulnerable, not needy), accept the situation you are in and take responsibility to problem solve and function in a more healthy and happy way. Put real thought into what you want and how to get it, and take action to make it happen. Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us - simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory. How do you feel about applying the 'Caring'/'Winning' Triangle to your interactions with your mother and sister? Take care Title: Re: Struggling emotionally with uNPD sister and mum. Post by: sweetheart on February 21, 2016, 07:53:28 AM Thank you steelwork I can really relate to what you wrote about the situation never being quite bad enough to merit complete withdrawal. So true. And yet then I'm often in something, exposed to an undercurrent of just yucky simmering tensions. I do feel like running away, but that would solve nothing.
I feel quite resentful that because I am having a relationship with my mother it automatically casts me in the role of persecutor to my sister. I don't actually do anything apart from visit my mum and then my sister engages in passive aggressive behaviours. It's messy for sure. I feel more hurt since I had my son, that he is indirectly outcast and sidelined because of how I am being treated I find very difficult. Like collateral damage. Thank you Kwamina I love The Winning Triangle and how it can be used to replace the conflict. I'm going to use it lots in my replies to others as well. It's really helpful to be able to mentally replace the positions with positive alternatives. I like being able to reframe things emotionally and come at them from a different perspective. It's strange how my marriage has calmed down to the point of normal for us, and yet the dynamics of my childhood have reemerged in my FOO. This is stuff I thought I had worked through and could navigate without becoming too triggered, I'm thinking I need to protect myself a bit better emotionally and be aware that I have changed, but in reality my family's dysfunctional dynamic has remained the same. I wonder what stopped me from seeing it there for a while... . Title: Re: Struggling emotionally with uNPD sister and mum. Post by: Woolspinner2000 on February 21, 2016, 04:15:14 PM Kwamina, I too appreciate your posting of the "Winning Triangle." I didn't know such a thing existed, and it is encouraging to me.
There are many times when I feel so caught up in the Karpman drama triangle , just like Sweetheart. But as I read, I suddenly recognized that no longer am I always caught up in it. In fact, it is the change and movement towards the positive 'winning triangle' that is disturbing the dynamics with DH. How easy it is to default back to those long ago learned dynamics from our FOO and still operate within them. I know so many of us want to break the cycle, and congrats Sweetheart on your recognition and desire to change that up. A pat on the back for you! |iiii Wools Title: Re: Struggling emotionally with uNPD sister and mum. Post by: Kwamina on February 24, 2016, 08:07:01 AM I wonder what stopped me from seeing it there for a while... . Perhaps because your life situation for a long time required you to be more focused on what was going on with your husband than what was still going on in your FOO. We can only deal with so much at once. Also the fact that your mother didn't live with your sister for a while, probably changed the family dynamics somewhat. Your mom and sis were still the same, but not living together changed things. Now that your mom moved back 5 years ago, the two of them might be reinforcing each other's disordered behaviors. Just some Parrot thoughts |