BPDFamily.com

My story is somewhat unusual, and although I will only give basics for now, I'm sure details shall emerge in future discussions.  I cheated on my husband of 14 years with someone who had moved in next door to live with family (his). We struck up a friendship and due to my unhappiness in my marraige (verbal and domestic abuse) and it quickly turned into a fling. After a week, suspicions were raised, after my husband caught me sexting the man, which let to my husband punching me.  My in laws found out and called the local DSS on us.  

In the meantime,  I set up my new boy toy with a room to rent at a friends house, unbeknownst to hubby.  :)SS removed our children and placed them with in laws while they investigated.  I promptly left my shared home with my hubby and moved in with my friend (and boyfriend) Hubby was relentless in efforts to win me back, etc... which made boyfriend increasingly  insecure. Boyfriend also told me early on he was a needy and clingy guy... .but over the 5 months we were together, I attributed his constant need for validation of my love, his neediness, his being upset over the smallest of slights, as a fear that I would return to my husband, who continued to harrass me throughout the entire duration of my new relationship.  The relationship ended on early morning hours of this past ChristMas Eve.  

During a small argument with boyfriend, who was a binge drinker, and was intoxicated at the time (substance abuse), he threatened to off himself or kill himself several times throughout the argument.  I walked outside to clear my head, he followed and I told him to sleep off his drunk (with expletives mixed in of course) and he gave me the most defeated and almost astonished/unbelievable look and walked into the home we were staying at (different from the first place I moved in with a friend... .we bounced to 3 different places during our 5 month relationship).

I went back inside and ate and made a drink... .maybe 15 min at most had passed since he left my sight... .only to walk back to our shared room and find him lifeless in our closet.  He had hung himself.  911 was called and CPR was administered by roommates and myself as we frantically tried to revive him, but to no avail.  As we reached the hospital we were informed he did not make it.  

I have been reading several articles and psych boards because the last month before he died, I had starting putting the red flags together, and knew there was something wrong, but didn't know exactly what. I noe am pretty certain he had Borderline disorder... more so the discouraged type. Apparently he wasnt diagnosed, and I assumed it was just depression and anxiety  and actually told him he needed medicine the week before the incident occurred.  

Over the 5 months of our relationship, I had hardened my heart towards my hubby and opened my heart to boyfriend.  I had, within the last month or two prior to his passing, just started to feel the spark... .the magic of love. I had fallen in love with him and suddenly he was gone.  It has been almost two months since then and I still am grieving.   The shock and trauma of it, especially discovering him, hit me hard the first few weeks, but gradually I got over that phase of grief.  

I still feel lost... .have recently seen a therapist, but only once... .got another appt soon.  So many other things... still don't have my girls, currently doing classes for dss... hubby still relentless and is emotionally unstable himself.  I moved back in with him (still maintaining our seperation status ) after boyfriend died... and I guess hubby thought I was his now that boyfriend was gone.  Told hubby that although I was living in the same home, didn't change anything, and I needed space and time for my grief in order to heal.  All was good for the first week, then he began to ask why I wouldn't kiss him... .why I wasn't affectionate, so when I would explain, he just couldn't fathom his wife sitting there grieving and crying over another man.  

I get it... .totally, and I don't expect him to understand, although when I need space. ... that means do not pressure me to show you affection or love at this time because I am not capable. ... and when I refuse, do not yell and scream at me in my traumatized state and curse my deceased boyfriend, as well as me, and do NOT threaten suicide to me (yes he went there several times... .even going so far as going into our bedroom closet and mocking the act).  

Why the hell do I pick emotionally unstable men? Is it the caretaker in me? Gotta pose this question to the therapist as well.  So to wrap up my post, I am currently still staying with hubby... .still maintaining my seperated status (and what little sanity I have left) although after several arguments and behavioral  incidents, I have recently told him he needs to find somewhere else to go.  So, hopefully I will get some peace within the next few days.  I plan on staying with my friend (lease is up on the rental we shared, so everything works out)... hubby wants to get new place together, but haven't seen any changes in his attitude... if anything, he has gotten worse over the last 6 months of the known infidelity.  

Of course, since I am the cheater and left him, I am the one to blame. ... no accountability for his verbal, mental and physical (very minor, although still not right)abuse.  I cannot work towards healing and getting my kids back if I go back to the same life I tried to get away from.  I need thoughts, opinions and will welcome any advice on my current situation.  

I miss my BPD boyfriend every day... .have even unconsciously changed several habits (i.e preference to musical genre has changed, I now listen to his favorite... .country). I think about him almost to the point of obsession. I am always reading whatever I can about personality disorders, soecifically BPD, and I look for signs of his presence (which I have several documented instances of signs I have received since his passing... .I believe in it, although I won't go on a spiritual rant) ... I am going to see a psychic medium in the upcoming week... .just seeking some sort of answer or at least the most logical information I can (as I understand I may never know the true answers in a suicide ) but I feel that the more I know the better I feel and am able to cope.   Anyways, please send your thoughts and perspectives.  Thank you.

Countrygrl35- welcome to the family!  

You have found a place of safety and kindness here, from people who understand, and try not to judge, and who have definitley got your back.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you I'm afraid, I just wanted to express that what you've gone through is almost beyond imagining in its awfulness, please be as kind to yourself as you possibly can be, and allow others to be kind to you too. I'd go as far as to say Expect others to be kind to you, you've been through a terrible experience and people who love you should want to care for you just now, but I know things aren't as black and white as that... .

But please know that on here, people will be as kind as you need them to be.

Please look after yourself Countrygrl35

❤️

Countrygrl35,

You have a plan to remove yourself from the situation, but do you feel physically safe right now? Regardless of what you did, it sounds like the emotional and psychological abuse is pretty bad.

Turkish

Honey. 

I wish I could say more . . . but there are no words.  I am so . . . so sorry for what you have been through.  Please realize, his decision IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  Please do not blame yourself. 

Unfortunately, ruminating and obsessing over him . . . will do no good.  He has left this earth.  You are strong.  You are here . . . you are alive.  You have a life left to live. 

Please keep going to more and more therapy.  You are going to need help through this. 

My heart goes out to you.