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So, I just got back from a trip to bring a few final things up from my parents house (8 hours away).  It was a bit rushed so stuff was chucked in the van, but I had a rough idea of what was where.

Well, my wife gets in it and says its her van and she can clean it out whenever she wants.  I asked her nicely, please, all that to let me sort out my stuff and she was in a taunting voice saying that she would only get out the garbage.

I kept asking her to leave the van alone and let me do it later.  She tossed out a couple garbage bags of stuff and told kids to put it in the big garbage can.  I asked her to leave them alone so if there was stuff in there I needed or was missing I wouldn't have to hunt through garbage.  

Her taunting voice got bigger and she emptied a garbage bag in front of me, glass broke, stuff went everywhere.  I had intended to use the mason jars to sort small screws and such in my garage.  She was going to through the away.

Note:  This power trip was happening in front of kids, was a bad scene.  Her "henchman" S15 was backing her up, glaring at me.  She kept telling me to calm down and go away.

It's weird, I'm not triggered as in I want to yell or kick stuff.  I don't want any part of this anymore.  If through counseling or whatever she can turn into a nice person then perhaps we can have a future and my feelings may change.

You guys had mentioned my attitude in other posts.  For a while it was sort of a "whatever" or apathy.  It's shifting more towards hatred or some other nasty thing like that.

FF

FF ... .That is so understandable. Whatever the reasons for why she behaved that way -- that is a wretched thing to experience at the hand of someone you are in an ostensible love relationship with. And the kids' involvement is really rotten and damaging to them.

I'm really sorry. Having eventually walked away from a r/ship in which my stuff got broken, kid had to witness hateful stuff and groundless hostility ... .I recall how it felt before I left, when I was still trying. (This was not with the BPD guy I'm on the boards about.) And I can say what an immense relief it was after, not to be constantly sabotaged. All I can say is, your feelings make sense.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My uBPDh has been really awful to me lately and I normally stay pretty calm and steady. But recently I had a couple flashes of hatred so intense that it scared me. I'm not used to feeling like that and don't like it at all. But even a calm steady person can only take so much. Hopefully you can stay calm until your counseling appt. Hang in there!

And to think I got to a place in the r/s that I moved the family, arranged to get her the house she wanted, tons of stuff that was an expression of my love and respect for her and the family.

Now, less than two months later,

I can tell you the day it switched.  I surprised her one morning with a car in the garage (big point in a move when you can park in garage).

That evening she accused me of keeping oldest two kids from her and not thinking of her by taking them to lunch when my wife was at work.  She took all kids out to dinner and left me at home.  Later that night woke me up with TV and that was my first night in hotel.

I have been black ever since.  Some days some black will rub off, but it goes back on quick.

Sabotage is good description.

FF

How is she even making sense. She was at work. No one gets to eat out or do anything fun when she isn't around?

I am mad at her too. 

I do recall the details of that story and the whole but we were going as a family and you ruined everything by going by yourselves when no one else could go... .

What she did today was flat out abuse. Malice. No, that wouldn't feel good, and watching your son tensing up and being triangulated against you, it's like there are so many leaks springing up in the wall, you don't have enough fingers to put them in.

Exasperating, and you do have feelings, too. Hurt and anger. I seldom see you saying how much in hurts to be treated like she is treating you. Often anger is easier to access than emotional pain.

What about you on that level? The hurt.

Formflier, sorry to hear about this difficult thing you are experiencing. 

There is no justification for her behaviour. Is it becoming more predictable in terms of when and how she does this sabotage?

Having been in that fire and knowing what it feels like (betrayal in some ways in front of the children) I really empathise with your feelings of hatred.

Hang in there  |iiii

FF, when these situations occur, what is the reaction from your other children?  Your wife seems to have you fifteen-year old son on her "side", but what about the others?  I would imagine the really young ones have no understanding, but do any of the other older children seem to understand what your wife is doing? 

I have to wonder again about the damage she is doing to the children emotionally by forcing them to watch her episodes, even participate in them, while she attempts to make you look like the crazy one. 

In the short time since you moved there have so many incidents like this one, and I fear your wife is just getting warmed up.  What do you think her ultimate goal is in all this? 

The other kids kinda wonder around and sometimes glance or look over.  My wife will from time to time yell at them to go inside because it is not a good environment (like she did last night), but then they don't move or do anything.

Her parenting practice is to yell and threaten, kids do nothing until she starts to walk towards them or take action to enforce something.

In other words, they have figured out when mommy is blowing and threatening and when she means business,

I think her goal is to have a submissive hubby, or no hubby at all.  Just my guess.

FF

I think her goal is to have a submissive hubby... .or no hubby at all.  Just my guess.

You may be right.  Do you think she sees you as "submitting" to her when she pulls these stunts and you walk away?  I really wonder if she is not hoping she can push you far enough that you will call her out right then and there on her behavior.  Then she can call the police/call her dad and report you as abusive. 

I often call her out on her behavior, and accurately label it.  I just don't flip out on it, yelling and screaming.

Note:  years ago I did.  Perhaps she is trying to get back to the old ways of doing things.  For a couple years after the flood I would describe our r/s as mutually abusive.  She would pick at me and I would "make" her stop by chasing her from the room with a loud voice. 

Really bad dynamic.

FF

Reading this I can't help but wonder, do you think she is emotionally influencing you? I know we are changed by being in a long term relationship with a person with BPD traits. The reason I am asking is would you have felt these emotions prior to your involvement with your wife? In other words are these emotions native to you or do you think they may be because of her influence?

FF, let me speculate about what "her goal" is.

You've described your wife as paranoid. As believing you are hiding things like bank accounts, other families, affairs, etc. You've described her FOO as a snakes pit of dysfunction and chaos. (And one that is geographically close enough to have a lot more negative influence on her lately)

You've also described her diligently pursuing something that will create chaos, like bringing a messed up neighbor kid into the house or a dog that bites.

You've described her deciding what you are supposed to do, and expecting you to do it, whether she told you in advance about it or not.

And you also describe her as having a switch flip, and turning back into a loving wife and good mother.

What you haven't described (as yet, anyway) is her being a manipulative, plotting, Machiavellian schemer who says and does one thing, with an underlying plan that will trap and hurt somebody if they believe her at face value. I know such people exist... .but if you haven't seen her do that to you or others before in decades of marriage, you probably aren't seeing it now.

I'd also note that the kind of person who does that generally is pretty self-aware, and you haven't described her in that way either.

I believe she acts in ways that deal with conflicts and stresses following the messed up patterns she grew up with. Yes, she clearly is acting in a way to be controlling and push you into submission. (Whether she is self-aware or not)

What I don't see is indication of an underlying "goal" or "plan" she is acting toward.

Does it matter what her goals are?  Look at the objective behavior.  FF, you are experiencing very negative effects on your happiness. Your kids are enduring damaging dynamics.

My exH broke my stuff and threatened to destroy things that mattered to me because he was miserable and thought I was a cause and that controlling me to do things differently would make him feel better.  He still broke my stuff, threatened me, and made my life miserable.

Not sure why the "why" necessarily matters all that much.

 

GK,

Correct, my wife is not such a person.  Her sister does have some of that in her.

Here is some family values for you.  Sister's nickname growing up was "sneaky snake".  Her parents encouraged it, laughed about it.  She got everything she wanted.  So did my wife's twin brother, because he was only guy.

My wife was the one that they were obvious about ignoring and leaving out. 

So, perhaps, there is a dynamic playing out here where she is trying to "leave me out".

Anyway, depending on how much the sister is in my wife's ear, could influence scheming.

My gut says it is NOT a big scheme, but it looks bad.

I do think there is some family scheming, that we get them close so we can control the situation.  As in keeping kids over there, etc etc.

FF

Does the "why" matter? I think if she was scheming and planning stuff, it would--because that would mean that she could well be actively working with lawyers trying to use the legal system to damage FF since her direct abuse isn't getting the job done anymore. If she was playing some kind of chess game, ignoring that aspect would be to FF's great peril.

Perhaps the same should be said about her FOO. Especially if they are effective at scheming, it does bear watching.

What she's doing sounds like mental illness, and sounds more impulsive, and in this sense, no, her reasons/motivations don't really matter... .other than as something she is really feeling that perhaps FF could validate.

 

And backed up by a family with similar issues.  With a bit of a scheming component.

However, the mental illness also works against "scheming".

The family "talks about" lot of great plans, very few come to fruition.

There were some questions about my emotions, I'll try to get back to in a bit.  At McDs with a bunch of kiddos.

FF

Yes, that was me, I was wondering if perhaps your feelings are being influenced by being in a long term relationship with a person with BPD traits. I know within my own relationship I have noticed myself changing, and I don't know if my partner is bringing out my darker side or is influencing me, but I've definitely noticed an internal change  since meeting my partner.

So, a bit of a window into how an everyday interaction leads me to now hate being around her, I get it my feelings are influenced by past events.

So she has been gone on craigslist trip most of day.  It has been awesome without her around.

I have D2, D5 and D10 all down and asleep.  She comes in and is really loud, I try to quiet her some, so people can keep sleeping.  Not having it, she may have gotten louder.

D2 wakes up. 

She starts to head upstairs to check on them.  I asked her to leave them alone so they could go back to sleep, she huffed and was dismissive, "I have to go lay down with them"

So, she drags D2 out of bed and pops her in bath, so now, she will be good and awake, and since she has 45 minutes of sleep under her belt, will probably be awake until midnight or so.  Based on other times my wife has done this.

Honestly, I really do hope our marriage gets better, I really do. 

But, it is so painful watching this and it is so much fun to be around my kids when her nasty attitude is not around.

Sigh,

What is it about pwBPD and not letting others sleep? 

FF

Your attitude is eminently reasonable. Getting the glare and the "don't tell me what to do" is one of the most relationship-eroding behaviors that could ever be. It's one thing when you're in a relationship with a pwBPD and you basically know that the relationship is all about them. It's quite a different thing when they openly rub it in your face in situations like this.

I also see the anger as a point of progress. I've lurked on your posts quite a bit and have observed that you're usually accomodating and helpful and tend to put others needs before your own. I am much the same way. Mostly in my case it's because I never really learned to fight for myself and am still very impaired in that area. If you are in the same boat then feeling anger about being marginalized is very therapeutic and helpful.

So it's not unfortunate at all that you are feeling hatred. This is your life and you deserve all the feelings you have.

They often feel resentful and abandoned by the person sleeping.

The person sleeping is being invalidating by not being available to participate with their experience in some way.

Uh... or was that rhetorical?

I told myself 1000+ times, "She's mentally ill.  This is her illness talking, not her.  Don't take it personally."  Yet despite reminding myself of this, I could not fight off the anger, the growing contempt.  I discussed this with my T and he said, "It's incredibly hard not to have such feelings when you're so close to the pwBPD."

Don't feel bad for having such feelings of hatred.  They are part of you and what you do with these feelings will help you determine your path going forward.

And woe be unto you when you get sick. There's serious abandonment potential there!