BPDFamily.com

I just recently learned about the concept of ghosting - dropping contact with someone you are not (or no longer) interested in, with the hopes that he or she will get the hint eventually. Basically, bad manners, conflict avoidance and cowardice rolled into one. And this seems to be something many people do, BPD or not - I think I myself have been guilty of this to a degree when I ceased all contact with a drug addict "friend" from my teen years. This seems to be extremely common in dating circles, so everyone who does it can't be pwBPD (one would hope) - so I started wondering how ghosting differs from silent treatment - or if there's any difference really?

Of course, one difference that comes to mind is that ST is typically meant to punish, whereas ghosting is more about conflict avoidance, but are there any other key differences? I have now also started to wonder if this is what my friend's repeated vanishing acts are about - though ghosting doesn't seem to involve recycling.

I have a question: what is wrong with conflict avoidance? That is something my partner with BPD traits has accused me of recently.

When taken to extremes in order to cope with distress intolerance it means a person never faces up to their problems and responsibilities. I guess it comes down to whether the conflict is reasonable or not. pwBPD will often use this claim to draw a non back into unnecessary circular conflict.

You have to take into account intent. pwBPD are often just reacting to an impulse of now, what has gone before and what is possible is ignored. It is destructive


In your case of the drug addict friend it was a considered decision, not just an impulsive sulk of the moment. It is meant as a constructive action for you.

Of course there are all shades of grey inbetween.

I think it depends on the circumstances. In my case, my pwBPD friend and I have an atypical relationship, which would require open and frank discussion of very intimate emotions in order to be fully functional, and her conflict avoidance makes this almost impossible - any time I have tried to bring these issues up, however gently, she either changes the subject or vanishes for a while, rather than talk things through. The latest vanishing act has lasted about three months, the previous went on for six - and I have a suspicion that the next time we bump into each other, she behaves as if we had only last seen yesterday.

However, in your case I suspect it's more of a weapon, or self-soothing type of behaviour - by shifting the blame of his difficulty to communicate, he avoids facing his own issues.

Yeah, I don't avoid conflict, my partner said that because I didn't want to comfort him in his existential crisis. I too have a hard life but I have a program of recovery to support me, he let his program fall to the way side. I've had 8+ years of therapy, he sees therapy as a crisis management tool.

This typical BPD behavior, reactive rather than proactive