BPDFamily.com

I was expecting it, but surprised at what I read in them.

For background, my ex and I began a 3 month therapeutic separation on March 28th of 2015.  We rented a room and took turns staying a week at a time so one parent was home with our daughter at all times. At the end of June, I made the decision I couldn't do this anymore as he didn't seem sincere in his attempts at getting help, stalking behaviors and so much damage I didn't think I could move on from.  He moved out permenantly on July 2nd and I changed the locks.  He saw our 11 year old daughter twice during the summer and had a 3rd visit set up with her but she canceled it on her own, telling me she didn't want to deal with his questioning her about me.  He then changed his phone number without giving her or I the number and leaving me with his bill after agreeing to take his number to his own account.  I am still paying his contract as it's on my family plan.  He was completely out of touch with our daughter for exactly 4 months and days before Christmas she heard from him online and that's all the contact she's had.

I have been careful from day one of separation to make sure she knows that our separation isn't me taking her away from her Dad.  He spoke to her about his mental illness issues last year on numerous occasions and I am so careful that when I speak of his behaviors to her, it's in the context of his illness, not that he's a bad person.  This is important as I once read something that said if one parent speaks negatively about the other to a child, you are in effect insulting 50% of the child as they are half the dna.

So her father hasn't seen her since early August and only sporadically has contact with her online.  He hasn't paid a cent in child support since he moved out (despite working full time), and his sister hired him a lawyer.  Because I'm left with all of the bills, mortgage, marital debt, and no child support coming in, despite the fact that I make more than him, I have nothing left over to hire a lawyer or even get into see one as they all want about $300 for an initial consultation.  I'm trying several avenues to get assistance, but it's not looking good so far.

In the divorce papers, he is asking for spousal support, half the equity of the home, etc...   All things I expected him to try.  But I am floored that he is claiming that I am keeping him from seeing his child.  It's ludicrous.  All summer, I told our daughter so often that our separation didn't[ mean I was keeping her from her Dad, and I encouraged them to be in contact so often that she finally told me to stop telling her that because she knew I wasn't keeping them apart.  She said she knew it was him making it difficult.  I left it at that and just let her vent when she needed to.  When I told her that her Dad was claiming I am keeping her from him, she sat down and wrote a letter to the judge that was going to be just explaining that no, I wasn't, but it turned out to be expressing her anger at her Dad because of his lying to her about seeing him and even mentioned a situation in which he had bruised her arms shaking her before we separated (and yes, this was reported to social services when I learned about it, but nothing was done... .).   I am unsure of whether or not I should bring that letter to the case conference with  judge next month or ask her to tone it down (she is clearly angry with him, and I don't want it to appear that I am at all coaching her). 

I am mostly venting here, but what do you think?  Should ask her to rewrite the letter and bring it to the case conference?

Never bring things the kids write to a meeting with the judge. It's impossible for that to not appear coached. Instead it's much better to have any saved texts or emails or any sort of paper proof that you never attempted to keep her from him. Even better if there is proof that you attempted to facilitate their continued relationship. BPDs are masters at doing absolutely nothing to help themselves and then claiming victimhood. As long as he has no proof that you've kept the child from him it should be fine because courts generally only act on evidence. Not "he said, she said". At some point later in the process maybe your D11 will tell a custody evaluator about her feeling. If that time comes, simply tell her to tell the CE how she feels and leave it at that.

I kept our kids out of it as much as possible. My ex actually tried to use them and it backfired on her.

Document his behaviors. I only communicate with my ex through email. At first ex was very pleasant in her emails but as she got used to it she changed to the person she really is. That helped a lot for me to see it and also attorneys,judges,etc.

Sounds like it's time to post these issues over on the Family Law board.  To address some of your questions... .

Yours has been a medium length marriage, maybe 12-15 years from the sound of prior posts.  A lot of the support issues depend upon your state, the judge and your incomes.  If he is working then he ought to be able to support himself.  If he's not, then your position ought to be that he needs to start working since the marriage is ending.  Whether the judge will order you to support him during this time of 'transition', either during the divorce or post divorce, it's hard to say though I would hope unlikely.  Alimony, if any, would be primarily to help him get on his feet so just a few years ought to be the maximum risk.  If you're barely making ends meet, then that risk would be much less.

The one thing that might be close is his request for half the home's equity.  With a longer marriage that's a likely outcome, but if you put more $$$ into the house than he did or it was your home before you married, then maybe you're in a stronger position than him.  Is the house jointly owned or in your name only?  Does the mortgage have your name, his name or both names?  That all can make a difference.  Your state's laws on what is marital property and what is not also impacts the outcome.

If you have any inheritance money, keep it separate from any joint accounts or marital uses.  If the history is separate from marital accounts then it ought to still be yours to keep.

Courts lean heavily toward the side of keeping things largely the way they are regarding parenting.  Since you're the primary parent, it's highly unlikely he would be able to get more than the typical schedule for non-primary parents, often alternate weekends of 1-2 days and an evening or overnight in between.  Since he's currently taking much less, that ought not to be an issue.

Consequently, he would owe you child support, possibly retroactive to the filing, how much is the question.  You and your stbEx both need to bring your income details with you to the initial hearing.  Usually support is a calculation based on the differences in parenting time and the 'disparity' in incomes.  For example, if you both had equal parenting time and equal incomes, there would probably be no child support due to either parent.  If he doesn't work or works little, then try to get the court to at least apply 'imputed' income to him, minimum wage at a minimum but preferably at an amount equivalent to what he ought to be able to earn.

Remember, it's only natural for a pwBPD to demand everything and the kitchen sink, even reasonably normal people do that or nearly so, after all, emotions run high in a divorce.   What you need to do is review the complaints, allegations and demands.  Determine what is Yes, No or Maybe depending on you and your needs, your children's needs, the law and your court's likely way to handle the case.  Once you've gotten a handle on the specifics then you can tackle them as smaller pieces and not a huge mountain.

Thank you.  I will try to answer the questions. 

The home is jointly owned but due to market shifting, there isn't a lot of equity.  I can prove from bank statements that go back a year and a half that I paid the mortgage when we were together and he paid the utilities.  I don't think that matters in the law though. 

We were married 8 years but together for 15.  He worked the whole time although during the last year he ended up getting a series of 3 jobs, all paying less than the one before and I believe he did this knowing things were coming to a head in the marriage and I think he was thinking specifically about spousal support.  I have the tax returns that prove that his incomes were lower with each job.  Apart from a couple weeks in between 2 jobs, he has always worked so I don't see how he could possibly claim spousal support just because I make more than him.

I know I don't have to worry about custody.  He wants every 2nd weekend for visitation and that's it.  The fact that he has seen her twice since July 2nd and hasn't attempted to see her since, I hope is proof that I'm not keeping him away.  In addition, he has only seen his son from his first marriage once since June so if I can introduce that (his ex wife is willing to have their 17 year old son write a letter or be a witness too.  She received sole custody in their dispute so he has a history of not exactly being good with his parenting... .

In most areas legal custody relates to legal or major decision making and physical custody relates to the parenting schedule.

Often it's hard to get sole custody without some really bad behaviors, though he could agree to it.  If you can't or don't get sole custody, you can get virtually the same by requesting Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Do a search here on those phrases.  It will be joint custody on paper but you'll basically be in charge and he is less likely to obstruct or delay the major decisions.  Having either of them will save you from a lot of grief in the years to come.

And no, you can't force him to take all his scheduled time.