BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

I've just joined the forum hoping for answers, some insight into what has happened to my once beautiful fairytale marriage and any other help please. I must say now there has been no diagnosis of BPD for my wife but from reading I think it may be the case although some things just don't make sense. I'll continue... .

I apologise for how long this will be

I met my now wife 2.5 years ago online. We were both in a support group for being on prescription medication and finding it hard to withdraw from it. Me for anxiety, her for loss of hair which caused anxiety issues. Anyway, we got talking privately and would help each other, although I was at a different stage to her. I was beginning to feel a lot better whereas she was still suffering quite bad at times. She lived in America, me in England. We would talk every day and began to get very close. She had a bf at the time but wasn't happy with him. Things moved fast. She split up with her bf and we were an item within that same week. We fell in love fast. We would talk almost constantly throughout the day. We really wanted to meet so arranged a visit for her to come stay with me for 6 months. She was living with her parents so my place was better. (I'm living alone but in my old parents home)

She arrived and it was better than we both imagined. Instant connection in person. A love like I had never felt before. I proposed to her not long after she got here and she immediately said yes. That's how right it felt for both of us. I had previously been in a 12 year relationship 1.5 years before but had never felt this way about another person and she said the same.

We then started looking into ways of her living here because we felt we had to be together forever, again more practical here because of her living arrangements. We got married in Gibraltar while on her visit. It truly was like a fairytale. Unfortunately she was stopped at the airport on our return and had to go back to America because of breach of the visit visa she was on. It was 9 long months of applying for visas later that we were reunited again. We would talk to each other practically every day on Skype during that time, even sleep together on Skype. Truly inseparable. Loved spending time together and would never run out of things to talk about. She was telling me how she couldn't wait to be out of America and her home with her parents. However during these times there were a few odd things happening that I would just ignore probably because I was so in love, or put down to her struggling at times with withdrawal. (she was off the meds now) She would hang up on me through Skype very often in anger, most of the time I would be sat there with the call ended wondering what the hell had just gone on because I couldn't see where it came from. I didn't see an argument, or a wrong doing on my part etc but it kept happening. Every time it would be me calling her back or asking what happened only to be confronted by an even angrier response and that she didn't want to talk to me, sometimes saying she couldn't even bare to look at me. One time she changed her facebook profile picture from us to just her because of one of these "arguments".

During applying for the visa (you have to prove your relationship with correspondence) I came across a very early message exchange between us and it was her telling me she had cheated on a previous ex 3 times and how it "wasn't normal to go sleep with somebody after arguing with your boyfriend" At the time I put this down to her being on the meds and that she wasn't herself and that's what I said to her at the time but after what had been going on with us I thought more deeply about it. How we would argue (most of the time I had no idea what had started the argument) and she would hate me, not want anything to do with me etc. I would literally go from being the best thing in her life to somebody she couldn't even bare to look at. She would always go back to seeing me as the best thing though and because I was so in love with her, and sometimes see her struggling so much I guess I kind of "took it" I always forgave her.

So, it's this time last year and the visa gets accepted. She books a flight with her 5 cases and she's coming to live with me, as a married couple. We agree together that because it's been so long apart we will have a couple of months to just spend together in person and then start looking for work. She's having a really good period. She's healthy and extremely happy. She's talking about wanting to look for work as soon as those two months are up.

I pick her up from the airport. We both say it's the best day of our lives. It's better than the first time. We're getting along incredible! However 2 weeks into her being here she falls sick. She had taken a morning after pill around this time so we both put it down to that. We were going to the dr's for hormone tests etc By sick I mean depressed, really really angry. Saying horrible things to me. Treating me like I've never been treated before by another person. There were breaks in that time when she was back to being kind and loving but for the most part it was horrific. This lasted about 1.5 months. Then all of a sudden she was back to the loving wife I married. She apologised for the way she had been but it didn't really feel heartfelt. We had some great times after this. Picnics at the park, nights out, movies etc but all the time there would be times of "I hate you" and spending nights upstairs away from me. Slamming doors. I would always go to her, never her to me to see what was really going on and trying to resolve it but I was greeted with "leave me alone, I want to be on my own" I would try and talk her around and make her see that the "argument" (again, sometimes no idea what had happened) wasn't that bad and that we love each other so let's just be happy. But she would often say I'd ruined everything. Eventually I would leave her to cool off. She would come down the next morning moody with me. We'd talk, and it would be sorted out and she would love me again and want to spend our day doing something fun. I always felt like I was the one resolving things though. She would literally never come to me.

Continued... .

Continued... .

However, she got "sick" again for no reason. Raging at me, not wanting to spend time with me, hating me. This was a pattern I was starting to see. If things were going good it seemed she wanted to change that into it going bad. I treated her like a princess. I did everything for her. Adored her. Ran baths, bought her gifts, just treated her really really well... .or so I thought. Special occasions were always really nice... .at first, but then end up really really bad. She'd be screaming she hated me, saying I was a loser and would never amount to anything. I would retaliate and call her an evil b___ sometimes but hated myself for it because I always thought in the back of my mind "I'm not sure if she can control this" because it was so different to how she can be. I would look at her during these times and see somebody else. Her eyes were evil, almost with a blank stare with no life behind them. Not this beautiful, funny, caring person I fell in love with. I would start saying that to her. It feels like I'm living with two different people.

This just kept happening. Just when I think we're getting along amazingly well it's back to her hating me, but now it had turned into her wanting to leave to go back to America, packing her things and then later even talk of a divorce. She would rip her rings off and throw them. She would say we're not compatible and can't live together. Now this would make sense but not because in between these episodes she was back in love with me, wanting to stay, would never dream of divorcing me, couldn't live without me.

Because of this instability she hadn't been able to look for work, she would message me saying she feels pressured into working but isn't capable of it with how she's feeling. This instability and toxicity was having a huge impact on my health too. I didn't feel able to function to the best of my ability. In short, neither of us had gotten jobs.

Within the last few months of her being here she had a great period. We had a talk one night that I thought was a breakthrough. She admitted she always takes anything I say as an attack which in turn makes her act the way she does. She tells me about her family not showing her the love she wanted, always telling her to go away when she was younger. Telling me she doesn't know what to do with my love because she's never felt it before. That she doesn't want to keep saying she's leaving because that's not what she wants. She wants to stay with me forever. That she is terrified of me leaving her. (something she's only ever said once before) This is why I'm confused in thinking this might be BPD. She's never been clingy. Never really showed fear of abandonment yet that's the major symptom, no?

In this great period she applied for a job and got it! I was so proud. She was so proud. She said I had helped her so much to get it. There was talk of saving for trips back to America to visit her family etc She was going to learn to drive (something she had been unable to do because of these episodes) She was truly on cloud 9. BUT... .we were arranging a night out to celebrate. I was looking for somewhere to go but she didn't fancy any of it. In between looking I'd play games on my phone. This... .to her somehow meant I wasn't interested in celebrating her new job and didn't want to go anywhere. She was again insulting, totally disrespecting me. I told her this and her reply was "shut up" She stormed away again, I followed. History repeating itself. She told me I had ruined the night now. (it was 3:30pm) I was telling her I wanted to take her out, let's look together, I want to celebrate. It didn't make any difference to her. I had ruined everything. She apologised to me but again it wasn't heartfelt and she had really upset me with the way she had spoken to me. We spent that night in different rooms.

Next morning I take a coffee into her and am greeted with "Just so you know I'm not happy and I'm leaving" I'm not really too shocked because I'd heard it before but she was adamant. (her cases were still packed from the last time she was leaving and adamant) She never went to start that job Monday morning. She then spent a lot of time in bed. Very very depressed it seemed. However there would be days where she was better (when she would do things) She went into town to buy presents for me. She was telling me she loved me again. Closeness, intimacy. This would bring her out of this depression but not for long. She would promise me she would go to the gym in the morning (something that always helped her mood) but it never happened, or if it did, it was only for 1-2 days. I was doing everything I possibly could to bring her out of this, every other time it had worked. During this time she hated me at times. I mean I felt genuine hate from her. I saw it in her eyes. But again, this was nothing new. She told me she had massive resentment towards me because we never moved on in life. That we were living in each others pockets. That she absolutely hated it here and had grown apart. All the time I'm reminding her of how things have been, trying to show her messages she had wrote that she was unable to work etc to "prove my point" that she wasn't always saying this, that only 2 days ago she was crazy about me and promising to never say she's leaving again. But she wasn't interested in seeing them or listening to anything. She had made up her mind and that was that. This went on for almost 3 months of her promising to get up early and go to the gym, to stop treating me so badly but for the most part her getting up at midday, eating like ___ and hating me. There were times where she would do it and I'd see improvement but it didn't last long. During this time she was saying horrible things to me, treating me so badly. One morning I was having an anxiety attack because of everything that was going on. I needed her to be there for me. She told me she was tired. This upset me so much after how much I had looked after her every time she was in need. I said I cannot believe what you are doing. She told me in the middle of a panic attack to "grow up" I couldn't believe what was happening. How could somebody be so cold, heartless?

Continued... .

Within the next few days a flight was booked and she was leaving to go back to America. Now this was done, she was telling me how much I had helped her. How she loves me. We had sex. The next morning she comes down and tells me how she regrets having sex with me. She's moody again. However the next night we have sex again. I'm sleeping and can feel her stroking my back, telling me how much she's going to miss me.

I take her to the airport the next morning. She's in floods of tears. I say to her "this is the last time we'll ever see each other" She replies "No. Let's sort ourselves out and see what happens" I said "No, There's no way you're coming back because you've told me you hate it here, that you no longer love me that way and I'm not moving to America because I don't feel safe with you. I feel like you'll leave me at any minute and I hate the way you've treated me" We leave each other crying.

We exchange a few messages during this past week of her being back in America but it's just general chit chat. She then asks to speak. She gets on the call and tells me she loves me. She's never divorcing me, she's told her family that she's never divorcing me. I ask where that leaves us and she says "I want you to come to America. We'll have a fantastic life here. My family will be welcoming, they don't hate you. (I tell her they have no reason to hate me) She says we'll have fantastic jobs, she has lots of friends there and life would just be so much better.

I say " I can't do that. After how our relationship has been. After how you've treated me after all I've done for you.

She says "I was in a bad place. I'm sorry"

I say "But that's no reason to have treated me the way you have. I was having a horrible time with this, the way things were going yet I never treated you like this" There's no real remorse for the way she's been. There's no realness in that sorry.

She says "It's up to you then, I'm leaving this as your decision"

I say "It's been 6 days. Let's not make decisions yet"

She says "I'm never coming back"

Now I know this has been a toxic relationship. There are signs that this would never work. I've told her the only way things could work is if she got help for her "issues" she tells me there's nothing wrong with her, it's where she was. I reminded her again about this happening while back in America before she even got here and she shrugs it off and tells me that's because we were spending so much time together (something at the time she loved)

However I can't stop wanting her. I can't stop thinking about her and wanting to be with her forever!

I went to therapy the other day and plan on going weekly, just to help me make sense of it all, but mainly to understand why I want her so much after all that's happened. My family tell me it's because I love her. But where do you draw the line? I don't feel the love I have for her is given back to me all the time like it should be.

I'm sick now. I'm not able to fully function like I should be and I need to build myself back up. She's there ready to look for jobs and start a career. Yes, she says she misses me etc but the actual "event" doesn't seem to have affected her. She seems happy now but I know from past experiences it isn't long until she'll be unhappy again. And then what is she going to blame it on? It's always somebody elses fault. Always something made her act that way. It's never her admitting responsibility.

Do I let her go? even though I'm madly in love with her. I'm craving those times she was the most incredible girl alive. She's beautiful. I mean drop dead gorgeous. She's funny. She's loving. She's caring. She's incredible. She was this the day before she left. She was this throughout our time together. It's not like it disappeared for good. But what comes with that is something I don't want to be around. At times I felt I was going crazy. And she'd make me feel that way. She would tell me I was the crazy one.

I feel if I knew this was BPD it would make things easier for me. I don't know why? She doesn't admit to there being any problem with her. At all. But I know this isn't "normal" but I still want her. I still love her so much. I have told her whatever she would go through if she admitted a problem and got help I would be right by her side.

Now we're 4000 miles away again and the only way of us being together is me going there. I can't do that.

I've probably missed a million things that are important to your views but please, if there's anything else I can add ask me. Ask me about the arguments or whatever. I just feel so lost and confused

Thank you to anybody that reads this and if you have any help or guidance I would appreciate it beyond belief.

Hi there. I was really moved by your story as it mimics mine. A long distance relationship. My BPDw is from the UK. I am American. Same story as yours with the whirlwind romance and intense happiness. Then it starts to fall apart. Just like your story. She comes here. She gets depressed. Intense rages. I start to fall apart, my work suffers, anxiety attacks, etc, just like you. There are so many similarities. She is still here. We are still married and have just filed paperwork for her permanent resident visa. In April we will have been married 3 years. One year waiting for the visa process and had to be apart. Even before we got married, there were significant red flags that I chose to ignore because I really wanted this relationship and it was so wonderful when it wasn't horrible. I still love her but I have been emotionally and financially abused to a very unhealthy level.

I don't have any words of advise for you except to say that I wish mine would have gone back to the UK. Although hurting, you can... .breathe again. If you would like to PM me that is fine. We can compare war stories. Good luck to you!

Hi Michel :)

Thanks for replying. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through the same thing

There's been some communication since I posted this... .

She, like I predicted started having "difficulties" with her family less than 2 weeks of being back in America. They were doing things to upset her but told me she didn't feel like she could tell me about it because I would "throw it in her face how she told me she hated them" (I didn't throw it in her face, I just couldn't understand why she would go from loving them to hating them so quickly so would bring it up when she did the same to me). I told her I'm her husband, she can tell me anything. Eventually... .and again I don't know how it got to this, but she raged, so much anger, she hung up on me, she hated me. Yet somehow turned it all around to be my fault.

I got "strong" and told her there's no way this could work because I won't go there and she won't come here. I won't put up with the abuse and said I want no contact with her. She flipped. Trying to contact me in every way. Eventually I spoke to her and she was crying. Telling me how she can't believe how she treated me and would consider coming back if we could both sort ourselves out. I entertained this idea. She started coming on heavy with the sex talk. Things she didn't do with me she wishes she had etc etc. Then she'd go cold again. Angry. I again said no contact. Blocked her everywhere. I then received an email (I'd forgot to block that) She was telling me it was clear to her that I'd moved on so she was taking her rings off, telling everybody we weren't together any more and moving on herself. I messaged back and told her if that's what she wants to do then it's fine. She replies telling me "I know I have a problem and I'm going to get help with it. I'm booked in for therapy" This of course makes me happy! I tell her she's got a lot of making up to do if we're to be together. She tells me "I have to reverse the damage I've done" Again, this makes me happy to hear that.

However... .it doesn't last long. The very next day she's "forgetting" to message me after we'd been talking nice all day. When I ask why she gets defensive and angry. Turning things around on me saying I've got a problem. This goes back and forth and is then sorted... .or so I thought. I send her a nice message telling her things I love about her. She replies with a nice message back telling me things she loves about me. 5 minutes later she's changed her profile pic on facebook to one of herself *a sexy selfie* (we'd always agreed to have our facebook picture of us) she doesn't message me that day despite telling me she would.

I email her asking what's going on? I find out she's blocked all my family on facebook, why she's changed her profile pic, why she never messaged me to receive a reply back from her of "think long and hard about your message to me. You have a problem that you need to sort out and if you can't then speak to your therapist about it because I'm not dealing with this, it's exhausting" amongst other things telling me how I'm tiring her, spying on her, scrutinising her etc etc. Hasn't addressed how I'm feeling about all this at all. Turned it all around on me. Telling me I have a problem.

I email back "you don't have to anymore" I list how she doesn't have to feel "scrutinised" anymore. Doesn't have to "deal" with me anymore. Doesn't have to feel "spied" on anymore. Listed all the things she told me she couldn't put up with anymore. Ended it telling her I love her and always will. 2 days later she emails back "I love you and I always will" that was a week ago. We've had no contact since. I doubt she ever went to therapy as she kept saying she hadn't had the paperwork through etc

Time without talking, having the drama, the accusations, the anger, the projecting has given me much needed time to look at the bigger picture of all this, to research about BPD and my mind is becoming clearer to the abuse she gave me and how the chances of her changing are slim to none. I still think about her constantly. I miss her. I miss the good times. I miss the incredible sex. I miss how I thought our relationship was. But I'm coming to terms with the fact none of this was real. It was merely an act she's done to every other guy before me and will do it to every other guy in the future. She may already be doing it. I don't want to live my life that way. I can't. It made me incredibly sick and I'm still nowhere near being back to myself but I'm a little closer than yesterday and that feels good.

I don't know what happens from here. Whether she'll talk of divorce or I will but for now it feels good to have no contact.

I'd like to pm Michel :)