BPDFamily.com

... .wiping your child's backside?

Am I nit-picking here? Our son turned 6 last month, and he expects my Ex's mom to still wipe his butt. I had a conversation with my Ex about a year ago concerning this. My Ex gets her mom's Hermit-Waif-codeoendent tendencies, though thankfully, my Ex has become aware of it.

A few months ago, I had stopped by my Ex-Law's home to pick them up. Sthen5 was yelling for grandma to wipe his butt. I intervened and told him to wioe his own backside. He was arguing, but I was firm, even though he kept yellng for grandma.

Yesterday, he had to go. He yelled for me this time, since I had just arrived. I went in and he wanted me to wipe. I said no, and handed him toilet paper. A few times. This time he didn't argue much, and I said that he could get a bath later after we got home. He accepted this.

I just texted his mom abut this, and she responded, "but he comes home with his butt red."

When I met my Ex, she was still cutting her then 9 year old brother's pancakes. The infantilization drives me nuts. As now a half-time single father, it's also hard to tell if I'm overreacting, having no healthy womanly/motherly feedback.

My thoughts are: actions, or lack thereof, result in consequences. Am I out of line, or being petty?

Many 6 year olds are in first grade.  No one wipes their butts for them in school.  At this age, they are comparing themselves to their peers some and would usually be embarassed if a friend came over and knew they were getting toileting help.

His butt may be red from trying too hard to wipe it to please mom?

Or is it actually red from rash?

Either way, it is certainly time to hand this life task over to your 6 year old and supply him with some flushable wipes if thoroughness is an issue.

My DH had to help the kids cut up their food at 8 & 9 years old. When SS was 9 his mom had him in tie shoes but tied them herself rather than teaching him to do it himself. BPDs feel abandonment and rejection when their children become independent so it's something they actively work to avoid.

There is no reason he can't wipe himself. Though I would consider getting him some flushable wet wipes. He may want adults doing it because he feels they do a better job. That also may be causing him to wipe too hard when he does it himself. A wet wipe used correctly may help with this.

We had this same issue with my SS8. It was really an issue when he was around 6/7 and it was obvious from his underwear... I'm not sure if his mom wiped for him at her home but we didn't. We asked his T about this as it was becoming a real problem, he would come to our house and smell like poop and his underwear were often dirty. He even had a few accidents and we felt it was a little odd, given his age. His T suggested taking him to his pediatrician to get checked out for encopresis. www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/encopresis?page=2

The ped suggested he eat more fiber with fruits and veggies. He made the ped aware of the types of food he ate when he was with mom and the kinds of things he ate with us. So she suggested more healthy foods for him and to drink more water. We also talked to him about slowing down to wipe. We explained that he should wipe until the toilet paper is clean. That if it took a lot he should wipe, wipe flush... .wipe, wipe flush as to not plug the toilet. This convo helped and the issue finally resolved. We believe also, he was using this as a bit of control. He once walked around all day at school with poop in his pants. We tracked when these accidents happened and they always happened coming off time at moms or when he was with him her and told us about it.

The biggest incident that sticks out in my mind was in 2013 during Christmas. Mom had the kids for Xmas eve and we got them xmas morning at 11. They showed up and we all sat down on the living room floor to open gifts. Within 5 minutes I smelled something... thought someone had farted. DH and I took SS8 (6 at the time up to the restroom) and he had pooped his pants, like a a couple of solid pieces. We asked him when he did this and he told us he did it the night before while at his grandma's house for the xmas eve party. That was at like 8pm. So from 8pm on xmas eve until we got him at 11am on xmas day, not one person noticed the smell or questioned it, all those adults who sat next to him, rode in the car with him... .nothing.

I don't think you are nit-picking, at 6 years old a child should be able to wipe themselves. If this is more about him being lazy and wanting others to do it for him then you can continue to firm with what you think is best... .not wiping him. If his mom chooses to do it or grandma, that might be out of your control to change. Continuing to talk to him about why it is important to do it himself will hopefully give him another perspective.

If this is causing bigger issues like he isn't wiping well enough, having accidents, smelling like poop then I might do a little more investigating to see if you can get to the root of the problem. If you have more questions feel free to message me.

Good suggestions... .again. I posted about this last year. I thought it was over, and I was surprised (though not surprised   to see it again.

Sorry you had to go through that with your SS, Swiggle. Some months ago, D3 went around on a Sat with a loaded diaper and I only caught on when I smelled it. I hadn't changed her night diaper yet, going around feeding them breakfast, laundry, Turkish time for my morning coffee while they watched tv. Neglectful dad. I told her that she needed to tell me if she pooped. She's old enough to know. I'm more wary of her due to girl plumbing   She turns 4 at the end of April. When this last half pack of diapers is used up, it's she that will be on the pee monitor at night. I still wipe her sometimes, but she's been in preschool since late August, and she's on her own there. D3 is more independent than her brother anyway. The issue in the Ex-law's family has been more related to the dysfunctional enabling of boys (to remain boys) at the expense of the girls (to expect them to be women, rather than letting them be girls while they are). Not on my watch!

Turkish our son will be 8 this March.

He wipes himself, has been since he started school. Sometimes still he doesn't wipe properly despite using half his body weight in toilet tissue and from time to time gets a sore bottom.

Age 6 is about the right age to encourage your sons independence in this area unless a really messy poo scuppers his chances of success. Then I'd intervene.

I had the same issue with my S. I don't know how it started , but I knew I had enough of it lol.

To get him  to wipe his own butt I rewarded him with money.

I increased it each time he wiped on his own. (And had a stop limit on the money.) It worked.

Then we went shopping with his earnings. 

What helps ,as suggested , are flushable wipes.  And a step stool for his feet in front of toilet.

At your house he can go by your rules ... .

He does wipe himself when he's with me. I had them Friday through Monday morning. He was complaining either Friday night. I checked him and it was pretty bad. His mom had left me a message that he had a pimple near his anus and that the doc said to bring him in next time, so she was kind of asking me to make an appointment.

I wiped him as he was getting ready for bed. He got the Wolf Lecture about needing to wipe better. I wet-wiped him and put on diaper cream since he was really red. The next morning, he was fine.

I think grandma on that side is hurting him by enabling due to her CoD and Hermit traits. They raised 6 kids, so what do I know? Grandma has never been mean to me, but I really wish I had become fluent in Spanish so I could talk to her.

I forgot to talk to my ex about it later, because she called me later that night in tears... .apologizing, regretting. Got in a fight with her H just three days after they downsized into a 1 bedroom apartment, but that's another story  

The money thing is a good idea...

When our boys started kindergarten we received a paper from the school saying what was required in order for the child to attend school. Going to the bathroom on their own was one of them. That is usually at six so the school believes kids should have mastered that prior to attending kindergarten.

D3 had to be fully potty trained when she started preschool this fall. They won't touch the kids. S5 started the same preschool class when he was 4.5. Same rules.