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BPDd is looking at a university. She already was enrolled in one, never went, never officially withdrew so we ended up not only paying a year's tuition, but also 4000 euros in fines (apparently private schools in Italy do this   )

Now she want to try again at a different school doing a different course of study. She's got her sights on a school about 2 hours from her boyfriend, and about 3 from where I'll be living.

Last night I researched other schools closer to her boyfriend that offer the same degree and sent her the links. She got angry about it.

She said:

"If I'm weaving a basket and I leave it for a bit and you come and start weaving where I left off, by the time I get back I don't know where I was and it confuses me." (Meaning too much info stresses her out).

I said nothing except that I was sorry she saw it that way.

What I wanted to say was:

"Finishing the basket has serious effects on not only you, but me, too, so i want to be sure it's done."

I want to be able to tell her that I don't want her starting uni after I pay for it, then deciding it's too far away!

I can't say that. It would be WW3. And this pisses me off! I would normally have the right to say this as it's perfectly reasonable based on experience, but her BPD has taken away my rights.

:-(

Perhaps since this is "just a rant" you are not looking for feedback though I have some to share.  :)

Interested?

Absolutely... .lay it on! ;-)

Just curious... .Did you expect your daughter to pay for part of her tuition/fines? Meaning, was there any accountability for her actions?

 lol

I have been through situations with my d that are similar... .frequently.

I learned that first I validate the good points:

She wants to try again.

She is choosing a place that is between 2 important people.

She is able to draw an analogy that represents how she feels.

So perhaps it would look something like this:

I really am glad to hear that you want to go back to school.  It seems like you are choosing a University that is positioned between two places that you are frequently at and that may be a good idea.  I am glad that you are expressing to me how you feel and why you feel that way.

Then I would ask some validating questions:

I really want to see you succeed. What would be manageable for you in terms of course load? 

Since you are spending most of your time at boyfriends do you think it might be easier on you to attend ______ University?

Then I would make some truth statements:



There are some financial obligations left to be met from your previous school.  I am working on a plan to pay these off so that limits my ability right now to take on more expenses.  I know it stinks and it is our reality right now so this is what I can manage:

I can manage to pay for _ courses at _____________University.

If/when she argues with you a final statement might be:

I understand, this is your education and your life. Nevertheless, that is what I am willing and able to do.  If you can finance other options I would support you in doing that.

The basics of this are:

Validation of her feelings/desires (to create an emotional support so that she can think more logically).

Asking questions to get her to keep the responsibility on her for her decisions.

Personal boundary to protect your own wishes/desires/financial obligations.

Provide her options and opportunities to negotiate (a very high level skill to get her needs met in a healthy way).

lbj

lbjntx,

We all need you in a microphone in our ear. It is amazing how good you are at it!

Well... .I learned most all of it here on the site, over a few years time and I had lots of opportunities to practice 

Hi noteliz

We always ended up paying for Bpds debts. We promised ourselves in May 15 that we would never do this again. What do you know, we did it again and again for the rest of the year. My excuse is that it always seemed reasonable circumstances. We thought it would be different this time.  Finally, we learnt.

I really feel for you but its actually very positive that shes taking control. The uni charging seems extremely harsh doesnt it. Do they do student loans? Or could she apply for a loan in the UK and attend in Italy as a foreign student.

Thanks LBJNTX: this is exactly The sort of practical guidance I find so helpful

L