BPDFamily.com

Been a while since I've checked in, overwhelmed with caretaking myself and BFwBPD. So here's a new one, happening pretty much right now, that I have no clue how to address:

BFwBPD is having total emotional meltdown following positive & excellently managed DBT protocol discussion re: recent couples therapy boundaries set that he violated. Basically, extiction burst. Prepared for & expected it. BUT. While I took a shower, he took a giant poop in the toilet, didn't flush, left the seat open, and somehow smeared poop on the light switch, wall, and sink.

Out of sheer shock I asked (the empty bathroom, mind, but still I know I shouldn't have) ":)id you seriously take a dump and leave it for me? And wipe it on the wall?" And he came running in saying "No no I didn't do it, I didn't... .I mean I flushed twice last time I went... .how could it have gotten on the wall? I better clean it up, make it right." And proceeded to slosh cleaner innefectually around and rub the nasty toilet bowl cleaner on stuff and rub his hands on things then wipe his face while sobbing, etc, big dramatic scene. I gathered myself pretty quickly nd told him to wash his hands and clean up later, I thought he needed to speak to someone instead now, and dialed a crisis hotline. He yelled NO NO NO a bunch, I asked if he needed to go to the hospital, he said no, I asked him if he had another coping mechanism to calm down, he said he was "going to go back to work." So I dialed the hotline for him again.

He's been hanging up on it and re-dialing it on speakerphone in the other room for me to hear ever since. So yeah.

POOP.

Anyone... .?

Ok. Now he is sobbing uncontrollably. Has snapped a hair tie off his wrist (painfully), smacjed his head on the wall several times, etc. I asked again if he wanted to go to the hospital and he turned on me with wild eyes and a deepened voice saying he would "run out into the night and sleep in the dirt rather than let you put me back in there." I reminded him that it was our crisis protocol to ask this b/c HE was in control, it was HIS decision if he felt he was out of control, and I could not determine his state of mind for him. He said "I feel really out of control now," I went down a list of ppl to call and he refused all of them, and he insisted that the Crisis Hotline never picked up. Then he grabbed a pillow and went in another room mumbling "I just need to calm down" and I can hear him shifting furniture around and occasionally crying out. I asked if he was going to hurt himself and he said no. But I have not seen him this escalated in months and it is really stressing me out.

I'm actually less worried abt him than myself at this moment, b/c I am one day out from an IVIG treatment and still very weak, this continuing physical and emotional stress is tearing me up (been vomiting/getting blurry vision already). Considered suggesting he stay elsewhere for the night (I am too ill to leave on my own) but worried that will escalate him further.

Every time he calms down it is only a brief lull long enough to engage me again. I'm at a loss, he is not deescalating, is staying cloistered away from him even through the lulls enough/the solution? Getting overwhelmed. =\

His behavior seems a little out there so i don't have much of a suggestion

Maybe propose to clean up the mess together?

Or something else you can do together that is low stress and fun?

It sounds like he is in a push/pull shame cycle.

Best to divert right now. Work together and revisit after he calms down (maybe tomorrow)?

 

Wishing you well with this.  Let him sort through this. Is there a room you can go sleep and lock the door?

This will blow through,

FF

JHC... .I don't know what to say other than hang in there.  So sorry you're having to deal with this.

It sounds like he needs to be hospitalized. Despite the stress and frustration, do you feel physically safe? What's happened within the last 24 hrs?

Hi FartonmyHeart,

Acting out behaviour such as your bf is demonstrating needs the intervention of professionals. Does he have a mental health team that you can inform if he won't. When my dBPDh was unwell in similar ways to this I would always inform his mental health team, inc his P. My h would usually then be hospitalised.

When my h was v bad I would stay at my mums because this type of behaviour would often escalate into raging dysregulations and psychosis.

Given that you are still feeling quite weak, how would you feel about staying somewhere else if his behaviour continues and letting his psychologist know this?

Here is a link about smearing faeces, it can sometimes be symptomatic of impulse disorders and also with repressed anger. I understand why it was shocking for you, it is an extreme behaviour that is not often talked about in adult mental illness. The link is a bit unwieldy in places, but covers all possibilities.

https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-25/edition-6/toilet-psychology

I'm so sorry you are going through this! 

I'm pained to hear you are dealing with this FartomyHeart. Can I call you Fart?... .sorry that is just a toilet humour reference.

I read the paper posted in the link by sweetheart. I found it somewhat fascinating. It is a UK website and was a little surprised when I found it was written by a professor here in Australia.

I only have my perspective to offer you which is that this is not really something you can deal with and needs to be escalated to a health professional. Trying to get your boyfriend to manage his own severe mental health condition is akin to asking a blind person what colour is that?... .and trying to deal with this yourself is obviously overwhelming you, and rightly so.

I also did not miss that you are unwell and this is impacting your physical health and you might also not be in the best condition to make these important decisions.

Coming here was the first step.

Reaching out for outside help is the second.