BPDFamily.com

Hello all.

I've been on these boards for almost two and a half years mostly as a reader through two consecutive BPD relationships.

I'll spare the long story. I am posting on undecided for the first time and it is mostly to try and make some sense of post-breakup contact from anybody that might offer some insight.

Long story short I had an 8 month relationship with a diagnosed BPD. She is a quiet waif  type. One night near the end of our relationship I triggered her abandonment issues and within a couple of days she cheated and I told her that she needed to move out which she did. I tried to tell her a few days later that maybe she should hold off moving but she had made up her mind at that point. The week that she moved out I believe the guy blew her off and she tried desperately to get me back and made a lot of promises and I was open to trying to fix things.

The night of December 2nd she came over and said that she was all in on working things out. She spent the night. By morning time she was a different person. She spoke of a friends with benefit thing two nights a week and she was very specific about that. Later that day she was not feeling well emotionally so I brought her food for lunch put some stuff in the back of her car hugs her kiss her on the top of her head and I've never seen her since. The following day she sent me a goodbye text and said it was over.

I tried to reach her a week later because we had a fight after she decided to dump me for the second time in two weeks and I got mad and called her a name which would be understandable for someone that has cheated and lied to you at the end of the relationship but she did not particularly care for that haha.

We had some financial ties that I wanted to resolve the final week but she and I did not resolve them as I told her that I was heartbroken and upset at her decision to not speak with me but I would respect no contact and let her go. The two financial issues were a phone and a car that needed to be resolved if we were not going to be in each others lives specifically because we joint own the vehicle that I Drive

I told her on December 16th as I stated that I will always love her I left it open that she could come back just for a hug and we didn't even need to talk if she wanted to and I let her go. Christmas came no contact. Her birthday was two days later I did not contact her.

This is where I am confused this is what has happened since. On a texting app one minute before midnight I got a text wishing me all the best for 2016. The person said that it was a wrong number but when I tried to reach back the person said they were unavailable or I should say the service that they were unavailable so this could be a legitimate or I suppose.

Fast forward two weeks to mid January. Over last summer I signed up for a reward program on a gas card basically called plenty if anybody's ever heard of it. I gave her the secondary card and I even had offered her in the past if she wanted to redeem any of the points to go ahead and do it as she was very generous to me. She never did .in mid-january a month after we stopped speaking I received an email stating that all my points have been redeemed and they show me where and I know she redeemed them. It was a small nominal amount of money and the card was in my name. I wasn't upset about the money but it seem like a provocation to me at the time but I was unsure if it was to get my attention or in anger. I called the company and cancel the card and continued on with no contact as I had already been out a month.

Fast forward 3 weeks later. As I stated before we joint on a vehicle. When we bought the vehicle in June she set up the online account using my email as the password and she picked the password for the account. Every single month before and after the break up I go in and make the payment on time as I Drive the car. During our break up she has not asked to have her name taken off of the car. So I go to login a couple weeks ago and my email is no longer valid. I thought perhaps she forgot the login so I called Honda and they said that she never called and that she simply went into the website and change the username to her email and her own password. This completely baffled me as all this would do would prevent me from making the payment nothing else. She obviously had the ability to get in and see that the payments were being made but decided to keep me from going in and making further payments. Again it seemed an attempt to force me to contact her. Well I was able to bypass the system and make the payment on the phone line so again I did not break no contact.

This leads me to this week. First thing Monday morning at 7:30 I look on my phone and I am taking a back as I see her name on an email. This is her first initiated direct contact to me in two and a half months. She sends me a screenshot of some photo ticket charges that appear online on the car we joint own. They are on the Washington DC traffic or ticketing website. The email asked me if I can please pay the $72 ticket as it is on her credit report and she wants it to come off

Just beneath the $72 ticket is a $400 ticket. She makes no mention of the $400 ticket whatsoever. I contacted a few people and they said that there is no way this would be in collections if I was able to go online and still make the payment. This ticket was a $25 ticket from June that somehow I never got and she never told me about and with fees etc it has now gotten up to $72. This is a girl that would never blink twice at spending hundreds of dollars at a time on me in fact most of the time she wouldn't let me spend money she was very giving and generous so I'm struggling with trying to figure out why she is asking me to now pay this ticket when it clearly doesn't seem to be about the money.

Again I took the high road and upon consulting a friend who knows I am in no contact per her request I went on the county website and I paid the ticket and I replied back to her with a screenshot of the payment. No reply. No thank you no nothing. So I have been assuming that she was not expecting me to just pay the ticket and she doesn't seem to be indifferent because I think she would have said something.

My question is what the heck is going on in her mind. I know that is a very loaded question but it seems like she has been trying to get some response from me but she's not ask me any direct question or tried to talk about us. There is a part of me that thinks that she is thinking that I am angry at her because of what she's done and that because I have not tried to contact her at all but that is pure speculation on my part and perhaps light wishful thinking I do not know

Later that day on Monday I ship back a box of her final belongings I know she receive them on Tuesday. I also contacted AT&T to ask them to call her to take over the phone that I have been using in her name and she immediately agreed to do so so that legal matter has been tied up as well as of yesterday. All that is left is to get her name off of my vehicle which would probably require a refinance at a higher rate so I really don't want to do that

Are all of these contacts about something else or is she trying to be mean I have no idea. She has never yelled at me she doesn't outwardly express anger. At one point a couple days before our final departure she said she just wasn't sure she was in love but she wanted to know if she could come back if she didn't find it. Obviously I said no I'm not some piece of trash but it didn't feel like she was sure she wanted to do this but that maybe she felt it was best to do it

Last but not least I got to tell you she was a pretty good girlfriend considering everything and I actually thought that we were very close and we were making plans to move into a different place and get a bigger car and something just seem to hit the fan in the last few weeks and I still don't know what it was so I don't know if anybody has any thoughts on my situation. I appreciate if anybody even just took the time to read it but if you could offer some insight as to where I could go from here that would be great. My biggest reason for not reaching out as I don't want to hear about some other guy I don't need that but other than that I will be happy to sit with her or go see her if she wanted to talk but maybe she's reaching for waiting for me to reach out I don't know thank you for taking the time to listen to my story

By the way if this is the short version I bet you're glad you didn't get the long version. Yes I am trying to keep my sense of humor

Hi Jessed,

I see you've posted here about 30 times ... .and i've gone back & reviewed some of your post. Don't worry about given the abridged version of your story or thoughts as you're among friends. It'll help us help you in the long run with no judgements ... .

With that being said, I see that you're in a frame of mind that is currently leaving you conflicted on what she's thinking & doing and what you should be doing to her actions or reactions or a lack there of. You're trying to make sense of a serious mental illness that defy's logic as you've read about. 

You've read about how someone with BPD has immense fears of abandonment, engulfment, and you've learned about the behavior & new language that comes with being in a relationship with someone with a serious cluster B mental illness. You've learned that the behavior and or actions are all about them & their survival. You've learned the 3 C's of BPD. And you continue to want to learn about BPD ... .question ... .if you've had 2 serious relationships with BPD women, have you learned about yourself as to why you're attracted to people who have this type of mental illness?

You said to someone else in a previous post the following ... .

"I have two very good girlfriend as I mentioned who have really open my eyes to manipulation and lies."

"She is taking what she can get and she is using you"

"If that's not enough to help you to see let me tell you one other thing. Alcohol and BPD do not mix and I have witnessed firsthand from a prior X her violent behavior. There is really nothing healthy here for you."

"if you can find me a story anywhere on this site in a half a million posts where the girl came back and had a wonderful relationship after all the crap that they  put somebody through then I would say you have hope and I can tell that you still have hope and that's what's killing you. You are in denial just like me."

"Please listen to what the last two posters are telling you for yourself because you only get one life and if you spend much more time with this girl it's going to take you even longer and longer to get to a healthy place. I truly wish you all the best and I hope you find the strength to make those tough decisions"

It's impossible to put yourself in the mind of someone who is mentally ill and apply logic to what they do or don't do ... .say or don't say. We know that someone with BPD is seriously mentally ill and they have severe fear of being alone, and being abandoned. I or anyone else could give you a host of reasons why things are happening why they are but in the end will it make a difference to you and the choices you've made in regards to NC?

In an attempt to TRY and answer your question, I really don't think she's trying to be "mean" intentionally ... .evidence would suggest that reason & logic don't apply to a BPD behavior.  AS you've read, BPD have deep seated & immense feelings of guilt, shame, might feel remorse but can not express it, seeing themselves as bad, chronic feelings of emptiness, a lack of impulse control. They see things in black or white, good or bad and there is no in-between.  BPD's are master manipulators learned through years of survival in their world. They have tortured minds and are trying to survive each & everyday from a mental illness that even the most educated Ph.d's & therapist have had trouble trying to help them get to a better place. We know that studies have indicated that there is a physical defect within the brain coupled with life / childhood events that they don't have the capacity to make sense of and react as 3 yr old toddler.  This sight is full of stories after stories about poor impulse & behavior of BPDs. That the best anyone who is in a relationship with a BPD is some management of their behavior & actions ... .but it'll be limited, a lifetime battle for them & you AND only with a lifetime of therapy for both the NON & the BPD.

You've experienced a lot of what we have ... .and you're doing what a lot of us have done ... .revisiting or trying to make sense of "attempted contact" by our BPD who we've gone NC with.

Keep your sense of humor ... .it helps with the recovery process 

JQ

First of all thank you very much for taking the time to care enough to at least reply and to spend so much time on my particular situation. To answer your one question yes the reason why she's doing it would have an effect on whether or not I would maintain no contact or not. I think that I might be at the stage where either I need to be hurt again so I can move on or give her the opportunity to speak. I realize that it's futile. Even still it's much easier when it's someone else and I can see it happening. But I am in such denial regarding my own situation that it's ridiculous. I am highly educated on the illness after two and a half years of daily reading everything I can get my hands on and watching it play out. So mostly I sit back and observe and wait for her to make the next move. As a former avid chess player I tend to think everything through more now before making any decisions. Yes I hope that she regretted what she did. I hope that the contact was intended to provoke me to speak to her because she told me from day one that she's stubborn. I've always been the one that has had to chase her down when she would push away for a day or so. So I imagine she's pretty shocked that I didn't come after her again for her birthday or since even though I'm sure she's got plenty of male attention. I know she'd probably run away again even if I got that magical fantasy reunion. So there is no good ending. If I say nothing I'm sad all damn day long without her. If I contact her I run the risk of being rejected and that feels horrible or run the risk of her wanting to see me and then somehow it will turn physical in the sexual sense not in a violent sense. And then she's going to do it again. By that I mean leave or run away

So I don't even have any answers to my own questions and as silly as it may sound maybe knowing what she's doing would give me peace it might be the only thing that does. Like I think maybe just to be asked to get back together might be enough to help me or ask to want to see me.

I can't even hate the girl my ex other BPD ruined my entire life and I don't give a s*** if I ever see her again or what happens to her but this girl treated me really well and I take a lot of blame for what I did because I sure as heck should have used the tools on the website from the beginning but I was too wrapped up in my ex girlfriend too put this girl first for a while.

I don't know how to make it better everybody says time but I don't see that helping me. But again any person's thoughts including yours definitely have been greatly appreciated because I'll take any insight that I can get from anyone what the heck is going on.

Jessed,

You're a smart, well educated guy reading all you can about this mental illness and yet you still have conflict within yourself as to how to proceed ... .go forward and live life, explore and enjoy life ... .or do a U-turn and recycle with the old gf & all that come with BPD.

A question ... .not that you have to answer here in this forum ... .but more one you have to ask & answer yourself ... .have you thought about seeking out a good therapist to explore your thoughts, feelings and emotions to this situation revolving around your BPD relationships especially this one?

It's ok to miss your exBPDgf ... .it's ok to love them ... .they had a part in your life ... .but after all you've learned ... .do you want to recycle or go forward?  I really would encourage you to seek out professional assistance ... .it's not a sign of weakness but a great sign of strength as I've come to learn myself. Perhaps you'll find the answers you seek and more answers to questions you hadn't thought about ... .perhaps this is the next path in your journey ... .

JQ