BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I've registered on here because my partner was recently diagnosed with BPD after a long period where we both should have really suspected something more than the norm; this is the first group I've found so far that actually seems to have active members so I'm hoping to be able to get some help, support and perspective as I start out on the recovery journey with her.

We've been together for coming on 5years now, and living together for practically all of that too (yeah, we moved kinda fast), and engaged for the last 2 years; I'm the older of the both of us at 28 while she is 25. We've both had our bad starts in life, and in some ways I think that's what made us resonate with each other so quickly into knowing each other; I was diagnosed with Manic Depression in my teens but due to a lot of support and counselling I can say fairly confidently that I've mostly made my way out the other side of it. My partner on the other hand wasn't so lucky, and it wasn't until her late teens that the trauma in her earlier life meant she was diagnosed with dissociative disorder and auditory hallucinations. It has been a long and bumpy road, but, we're all the stronger for it overall.

We share quite a few of the same hobbies, which helps, although with her voices we have had to make certain compromises here and there; for instance, I love reading for hours on end, but her voices makes it harder for her to concentrate for longer periods of time, so as a result I've become a lot less of a bookworm that I have been in the past (sometimes doing 1-2 books a week), but I've learnt to work around that with audiobooks so I can still get my fill of literature and actively spend time with her when she needs me. In a similar vein, she has periods of needing to feel active and flitting from one thing to another in order to stop her feeling too frustrated or bored, so on nights like that I can still be in the same room but she can flit from crafting work, to exercise, to a videogame, to singing, etc; and we just make it work  :)

We do clash from time to time, the most common being when I don't quite 'underdstand' what she's going through at that precise moment, and in that moment she doesn't understand 'why' I don't get it; while I try to be open and emotive, I do struggle sometimes to empathise with people, and can be accused of being far too analytical than is needed on a daily basis. As a result, sometimes I come across as unfeeling, while (and I quote from Dr. Simon Tam) "She feels everything. She can't not." and now I understand more from her diagnosis with BPD and from doing some long overdue homework, I now have a better insight into exactly what that means for her.

In any case, I've rambled enough; my main reasons for being here are to find support in the community from others who can relate to what I'm going through with my partner; to get a better insight into the progression and treatment of BPD; and have you all here as a reminder that we're not alone while we work through this, and there is somewhere that I can look to for help and some first-hand advice.

And that's me  :)

What I found really helpful when I was in a relationship with a pwBPD is reiterating (nearly every conversation) that you are not a magician.

Meaning you can't read her mind. You need to state this over and over again.

Meaning you can't feel what she feels. Over and over again.

I found it best to state it in a way so she can relate:

As we are both individuals, I understand that you feel things deeply that I could never fully understand.

As a result it is likely you can't fully understand my feelings.

Your thoughts are so complex, you must be thinking a myriad of things. I would like to hear them so I can relate.

Likewise, I am also complex and will tell you things on my mind as I don't expect you to read my mind.

(don't say this verbatim).

I found it is almost constant though, you have to 'prove' you are not magical.

She thinks she is magical... .She is with you, so she believes you are magical too.

Welcome to the board. There are so many great resources available here. It sounds like you and your SO have a really good relationship and you try to stay involved with each other. That's great! Looking forward to hearing more about your story.

I would suggest starting with reading the lessons on the right side of the page. --------------> This is a great jumping off point to help you understand your loved one's behavior better, understand your own behavior, and find ways to communicate better.

Hello everyone, thanks for the replies. I've bookmarked all the lessions off the right and that can be my homework for the work to start reading up on things; glad to see an active community here and hope to get to know a few of you a bit better  :)