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I feel sick. I've been having lots of flashbacks, and I've been overeating. I think I'm trying to numb out feelings with food. I had a really horrible memory today, and I literally felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach. When I got home, i took a bath and got into bed, and this incredible tiredness washed over me and I passed out sleeping for two hours without moving a muscle. I don't want to not face the traumas, but I'm all alone here and have no access to a therapist and I think I'm trying to push the feelings back down with food.  I'm am already obese, and I have this underlying feeling that I could eat myself into a heart attack or something. I know I shouldn't eat the things I'm eating but I do it anyway. Yesterday I had a cheesecake, about a half container of ice cream, several big cookies, chips, chicken for supper! I'm feeling anxious today, the memories just pop up and they are not easy to face.  My father was severely abusive, my mother BPD, the levels of abuse in my childhood were sickening, extreme violence, psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical suffering, extreme neglect. My parents separated when I was 9 and then it was only mom who is very mentally ill and who has caused me a lot of pain.  Never really dealt with any of this and it's very unsettling but I do want to have a good future and I want to stop letting the past hurt me

Hi nowitmakessense

It becomes clear from your post that the way your parents treated you has significantly affected you. Your parents were abusive and growing up in such an environment isn't easy at all. Now that you are an adult you can work on healing yourself, though I realized how tough this healing process can be.

You mention the flashbacks and struggling with difficult memories. Being raised by disordered parents can be very traumatic. You have been going through this all alone and have no access to a therapist. bpdfamily cannot replace the role of a therapist, but I do think some of our resources can be helpful to you. We have a thread here about dealing with traumas that I encourage you to take a look at:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277040.0)

In that thread you'll also find some tools that might help you manage your (emotional) flashbacks.

Your parents were very abusive and I can definitely see why you find it so unsettling trying to process what you've been through.

Take care

Thank you for reading my post and for your feedback and validation. It helps.  Last night after i posted, i called a crisis line and talked about the flashback.  it was literally gut wrenching to do it, i could barely get the words out, and even more of the memory came back to me.  But, even though it was so hard, it really helped me to release that.  I am in the process of trying to set up an online therapist, in the meantime this site is very good and i'm so glad it is here.  I cried a lot last night, and was utterly exhausted from the memory, but i do feel better today.  when i was talking to the crisis line, i literally felt this huge pressure trying to get out, and i kept trying to choke it back down, through breathing exercises i think i was able to let it out. 

 Notwithitmakes sense, I just wanted you to send you a big hug and positive vibes, I know how tough the healing process can be (as I am only a newbie here).  Definitely very unsettling the whole thing - I have also had flashbacks, and I have not had anywhere near the level of abuse that you endured.  The most important thing is that you are as kind to yourself as possible during this difficult time.  And a big hug from me and positive thoughts and vibes    

Just a thought, I don't have access to a therapist here either (as I live overseas), but I found a good one online from the UK which was quite reasonably priced (am sure there are many others - hope you find a good one) :)

Take care, the people here are very helpful, understanding and supportive 

Hi again nowitmakessense

I am glad you are reaching out for support and working on healing yourself. I think you registering here and calling that crisis line are significant steps forward because it shows you are acknowledging your issues and are committed to working on them |iiii

Dealing with flashbacks and painful memories is not easy. PTSD or complex PTSD is quite challenging to deal with but through hard work and therapy I definitely believe progress can be made. That's why I also think you trying to set up online therapy is a positive step |iiii

Breathing exercises/meditation is something I have also found very helpful.

Thank you for taking time to respond.  Yes, the abuse I experienced was very bad, and long term.  But I don't think that it makes it any more devastating than anyone else's experience.  Humans are not as tough as we think we are.  I believe that any child who has been abused, regardless of the "level" of it, will have difficulties until they are able to heal.  My wish for you is that you are able to feel your feelings, face them, and as you re-experience the feeling do something positive to help yourself heal.  That is what I am doing.  I can't begin to explain the weight of the release that I am feeling after facing that memory.  I have a LOT more to work through, but step by step I am determined to do it and regain my joy.  Wishing you a beautiful day, peace be with you.