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Background:  Six weeks post break-up. He wants to meet to discuss our “differing viewpoints of our relationship”.  I assumed he wanted closure so agreed to discuss via phone or email, not in person. I thought it would be nicer if we could move on in a kinder, more gentle way, but not face to face. His response was to deactivate my MS Office subscription (a Christmas gift from him). He’ll only reactivate it if we meet face to face. It turned into a text battle:

Me: “manipulating me into meeting by deactivating something I need is cruel. I would have been more inclined for us to meet if you’d been kind and reactivated it”.

Him: “I am the kindest person I know. I will be happy to reactivate it when I have access to your pc”

Me: “You don’t need access to my pc. You can send me the sign in details, I can reactivate it and you can then get a new password. Never mind. I’ll ask around”.

Him: “Ok. Make sure you tell everyone I deactivated it, X”

Me (angry/upset) “Okay”

Him: “Ask your ex. He’s a good friend always there for you. Or is that just for a S*ag?

Later….

Him: “Ignoring me again? Going out are you. You told me you weren’t seeing anyone. You said you needed time to get over me. LOL. I fall for it every-time”.

Me: (still upset from earlier): “I’m actually watching a movie with B (my son)”.

Him: “Sure you are. Enjoy yourself. Wear some of the clothes I bought you”

Me: “One dress – too uncomfortable for lounging. One shirt – might work. One pair of walking shoes – won’t need those.

Him: “might help with your b*m”.

Me: “An insult no doubt. Quite happy with my b*m actually”.

Him: “I’ve heard they’re all happy with it”



I suppose this could be construed as humour on his part. He’d find it hilarious, tell me I’m too sensitive. Only it isn’t funny. It hurts.

What is it, specifically, that hurts? What is the target and trigger?

This part hurts:

“Ask your ex. He’s a good friend always there for you. Or is that just for a S*ag?

The friend he refers to is an exbf from long ago, yet he perceives him as a threat despite my constant reassurance. I’d told him once that I’d admired this man’s intelligence. He seemed to take that as an insult to his own and would constantly throw this up in my face. Accusing me of cheating and sleeping with him as well as others.  I think it targets my view of myself as a loyal, loving, faithful woman. A person who loved him, and who would never have cheated on him. It’s the unfairness, the unsupported accusations that hurt and him not getting it, that I loved him very much. Nothing I said got through. He never believed me and it’s painful.

This hurts too:

Him: “might help with your b*m”.

Me: “An insult no doubt. Quite happy with my b*m actually”.

Him: “I’ve heard they’re all happy with it”

It’s feels so debasing and devalues me as a person, it’s uncaring, and cruel. Makes me want to shout at him, it doesn’t consider my feelings, it’s meant to hurt, it’s on purpose, reminds me of his degrading name calling, it cheapens me and once again threatens my view of myself as a faithful, loyal, worthy person. It makes me cry because I 'am' a valuable person who is worthy of respect. This signals that I’m not valuable, not worthy of respect. I’m always trying to hold on to the idea that I am valuable with this man. It’s a struggle, a battle between him holding me under water telling me I’m worthless and me managing to get my head up shouting at him that I'm a good person. He’s sees me as good sometimes, he tells me, but it never lasts long. It hurts because I want it to last.

Larmoyant, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for expressing it all. You have written almost word for word one of our many conversations, and articulated my feelings precisely. I find there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

I don't have any advice for you I'm afraid, as obvously I'm in exactly the same position- my ex is currently being very pleasant and apparently insightful and so of course I'm ignoring all the hundreds of conversations like that, and imagining that maybe, just maybe... .

But I know that maybe is a fantasy- 99.9% of the evidence shows what will happen. And you know that too, Larmoyant. Are you willing to risk it? Be strong! It's hard, so very hard.  We ARE decent people, and it's not right that we should have to try and battle our heads out of the water to shout that at the person who is holding us under. Especially when that person is the one who is supposed to love us, and is the one we're looking to for happiness. It's not right. But it's so very hard.