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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: selina1900 on February 29, 2016, 09:02:57 AM



Title: wearing me down
Post by: selina1900 on February 29, 2016, 09:02:57 AM
Hello everyone,

My first time here and I have been in a relationship for nearly two years. In this time I have really lost myself. I don't know how I managed to get myself into this situation with a long distance relationship.

He often accuses me of infidelity or not being supportive enough. I'm quite often blind sided by his attacks, many of which happen when I am going through a difficult time myself. I'm always treading on eggshells

He still wants me to be at his beck and call, messaging me throughout the day. He's jealous of every man I come in contact with. Strangely enough, he stopped wanting to be intimate with me, although he likes to talk about it to a certain point and then changes the subject. I feel this is intentional and a control thing. He hasn't wanted to have sex in over twelve months.

I would leave but I keep kicking myself as I worry about him. In many ways I feel like his mother now.

Sorry if I'm rambling, but I needed to get this out



Title: Re: wearing me down
Post by: sweetheart on February 29, 2016, 12:01:00 PM
Hello selina1900 and welcome to bpdfamily,

I'm glad you found us and managed to write your first post. Sometimes it's hard to know where to start when you feel as though you have lost yourself. I can share in that sense of being lost and overwhelmed by this illness. Being blind sided by rages and attacks are behaviours that all of us here will understand.

Much of what you have written about your SO does sound like BPD, does he have a diagnosis, or is he receiving any treatment from mental health services?

Can you tell us a bit more about you, you say that it is a LDR, has it been this way for all your time together?

What changes do you want to make that will help you regain control of your life again?


Title: Re: wearing me down
Post by: selina1900 on March 01, 2016, 02:12:44 AM
Hello

Thank you so much f for your reply and the lovely welcome. . I'm still trying to sort out what I actually want. I know I don't want to feel how I do at the  moment and I can't keep up with his demands.  He can feel me withdrawing at the moment, so he's constantly texting me etc, professing his undying love.

Even though it is a long distance relationship, we saw each other frequently to start with. It has been over a year now since our last time together. He has no interest in anything intimate and tried to put the blame on me, as he said I was being shy.

He wanted to move closer to me, but has been frittering away his money. He obviously wants to keep it long distance, but too scared to be alone.

He's very image conscious and I think the only reason he is holding on is that he likes the way I look. He's very specific regarding his likes and dislikes and apparently I fit his criteria.

I suppose I put up with all this, as it is very much like my childhood with my mother. Walking on eggshells doesn't begin to describe my life as a child. It is very much a co dependent relationship. He is also a recovering alcoholic and part of me is worried that he could start again.

He did see a therapist who said he was suffering from obsessive jealousy. I know that he spent many years in and out of rehab. He started drinking at sixteen and didn't stop until he was forty nine.  He comes from an abusive background, with a mother who turned a blind eye to it. He does suffer from extreme anxiety and is taking anti depressants.

I hope I'm not rambling too much :)



Title: Re: wearing me down
Post by: sweetheart on March 01, 2016, 04:07:30 AM
No you're not rambling too much at all, there's a lot to say.

A year is a long time to not see each other and for him to still be able to exert such a strong emotional hold over you.

It's really positive that you recognise the similarities from your upbringing and your relationship with your mother.

The question is how to release yourself from the powerful pull of feeling responsible for someone else's well-being.

selina what do you want from this relationship, what do you need to do to stop walking on eggshells with this man?

We also have a board on this forum for those of us like you who might need help Healing from a Parent, Sibling, Family member with BPD/NPD. It can be somewhere as well as here to get additional support around shared histories.


Title: Re: wearing me down
Post by: selina1900 on March 02, 2016, 08:14:45 AM
Hello again

I think I want it to end as I don't feel he can have a full relationship with someone. His withdrawal of affection etc has become quite obvious.  At times it seems to be some form of game playing.

I wanted to be more than someone he liked to show off, but I can't see things changing though.

I would be happy to remain friends, but I don't think that is possible as far as he is concerned. Our relationship is basically platonic anyway now, but he would hate me to be in a new relationship with someone else. Very selfish.