BPDFamily.com

Hi. I need help. I am at the end of hope. I have know for along while that my spouse has BPD, but wasn't sure what.

my children are now grown, I did not realize that the anger and mood swings would be turned towards me. I can't win with him. I am trying to organize things so I can leave and move out of state and start over. I have been in counseling for years, my counselor stated over and over that I am fine and needed to protect myself.

I am feeling very empty and sad. I have been gone for 2 months taking care of a sick parent out of state, when I came home my spouse acted as if nothing was wrong. There was no food in the house, when I asked for money he said he did not have any to give me and left for the weekend. He has control issues and 2 hours later money showed up in the account. This man makes a 6 figure income so money is not an issue.

He also has hoarding issues and I can no longer stand the disorder. I do not dare move something for fear of reprisals. I just want to leave again. Everyone tells me to hang in there and get an attorney.

JUST FEELING OVERWHELMED RIGHT NOW! 

What are the steps for leaving. My husband is BPD. I already have somewhere to go, it is out of state. Do I start divorce proceeding here or where I move to?

With the children grown then you don't have custody issues to deal with.  That makes a divorce a little simpler, though be forewarned, he may still try to get to you through the kids.  He can't stop a divorce.  He could delay, even make it horrendous but sooner or later a divorce would happen.  It would be smart to get legal consultations with family law attorneys in both states.  That way you could determine which location would work best for you and what is needed to establish residency if that is a requirement.  In short, where you file may very well be determined by the law of these two states.  (For consultations, maybe it's time to 'visit your family' in that other state again?  Or maybe get consultations by phone?)  Remember, any consultations would be totally confidential.  They're not retainers so they should be relatively inexpensive.  You have a right to confidentiality and privacy.  You don't have to submit to interrogations, blackmail, pressuring or any other attempts to weasel information from you.  You get to choose what you reveal.  But be aware that what you disclose to him could be turned upside down and used to sabotage you.

Since he evidently keeps a tight grip on his money, don't be surprised that he will claim poverty when separating and withhold interim support unless domestic court orders him to pay support or pay your bills.  Expect at least some to be squirreled away and hidden.  So that means your lawyer may have to wait to get paid until the financials are figured out closer to the end of the divorce.  Be prepared to request the court to assign a Special Master (forensic accountant) to track down as much of his assets and accounts as possible.

What about your children?  Would any of them support you?  Could some initially support you but later cave under pressure, manipulation, slick lies or bribing?

Understand that any 'offers' he might make early in the case are almost certainly not in your favor.  An entitled disordered person would try to get you to accept crumbs while keeping the lion's share of assets, accounts, and whatever else he might have.  Odds are he will try to hide his $$$ so expect to turn to the court to get a forensic accountant.

Understand that even if you don't tell him you're contemplating a divorce, he's probably slick enough to sense a change in your attitude, actions and reactions.  Ponder how to keep your plans confidential, perhaps even whether to share your thoughts with some of the kids that might not keep it private.

Be aware that any electronic media that he has access to (electronically or physically) could be compromised, hacked or loaded with spyware.  Some members have found that even a locked briefcase or a locked truck was no match for a hammer or tire iron.  So if you have stuff that needs to be safe, ponder well what you use, where you have it and how you could access it.

If you have trusted friends (yours, not his or ours) or family nearby, you probably should have a change of clothes, some cash and keys there in case you need to exit quickly in an emergency.  Likely he will feel overly disadvantaged in a divorce and he may very likely overreact by waging a war of words and actions, trying to make you look worse than him.  And as I already said, until court stepped in he would probably block all access to the marital money.  (His money is his and 'our' money is his too, in his mind.)  Those would be typical Controller actions.

Do you feel unsafe around him, especially once a case is filed?  Then your lawyer can advise whether you can file for a "stay away" or restraining order during the divorce.  In some states those are up front options since divorces can sometimes heighten the conflict.  Another thought, in addition to requesting interim support and bills paid, you could ask for residential status (occupancy) of the family home during the divorce if you want to live there until the assets are split.

Review these posts periodically in the months to come.  Some may apply later and you may not remember all our suggestions, ideas and Strategies since divorce is almost as stressful as Life with the Controller.

ForeverDad has brought up most of the pertinent issues for you to consider.  He is truly a veteran.  A few years ago as I was going through divorce with my uBPDw at the time, I co-opted an idea from another forum and came up with short list that I think consolidates a lot of the information into one place.  I make no claim of originality - most of the ideas/points have been humbly restated from those who have traveled this path before us.  It has been a while so I will share it here again.

1) Get a therapist for yourself.  Not a marriage counselor, but someone whose job is to help you get your head on straight in this incredibly stressful time. 

2) Get an experienced divorce/family law attorney.  This is also not a job for new attorney. If you interview an attorney and he or she says they always settle and you will not need to go to court, that is not the attorney for you.

3) Be prepared for the false restraining order,false child abuse accusations & Parental Alienation.  This is a very common reaction from the BPD playbook. 

4) Get a digital audio recorder or two.  You should never be around your stbx without a recorder running. 

5) Don’t be afraid to tell family and friends.  Too often we try to hide what is happening in our relationship from a sense of embarrassment, pride or fear.   

6) Have an emergency escape plan.  This often dovetails with beginning to reach out to family and friends.   In many states if there is a domestic violence complaint, one of the parties is leaving the house for the night.  Even if you are innocent it could be you. 

7) Videotape the house.  There is a very real possibility that your stbx will lock you out/ destroy things/ sell things, etc

8) Document, document, document - If you have kids, you are likely their best connection both to reality and stability in the chaos of the BPD.  Once of the best tools at your disposal costs nothing but a bit of your time.  A simple journal of what you do for your kids each day.  If you can add pictures and mementos, even better. 

9) Don’t take legal advice from your stbx.  You may find yourself at the end of a stream of threats from your stbx about what the courts are going to do when they report all your transgressions.   Tune it out. 

10) Don’t expect the process to be cheap or fast.  Remember that pwBPD usually feel very entitled and in fact if you quiz them they often have a very distorted sense of what it really costs to live. 

11) Take action to separate your finances.  Redirect your pay into an account into which only you have access.  Cut off joint credit cards.  This does not mean stop paying the bills, it simply means you control how they are paid.

12) Avoid face to face or telephone communications whenever possible.  pwBPD live for the conflict of these and you have no documentation of what was said.  Email is always preferable.

13) Practice radio silence.  You communicate only about what issues are essential to get through the day, such as kid’s schedules, etc.  Your job is not to look out for your stbx.  Preferably via email.

14) Make copies of all important documents you may need and store them in a secure off-site location.

15) Do not expect a neutral playing field when dealing with custody evaluators, guardian at litem, friend of the court, etc.  Do not get drawn into bashing your stbx.  The goal is to show how involved you are with your kids. 

16) Don’t be in hurry, especially with a high functioning BPD.  Time provides a chance for you to document your pwBPD unstable behaviors, which they might hide over a short term.  The goal is not to have them diagnosed, but simply to show patterns of behavior.

Thank you for your reaching out to me. The information was VERY helpful. I realize that I will be playing the hardest game of Risk ( a game of logic and strategy) that I have every played in my life. My husband is a super brain and paired with BPD this has been tough.

I have the good fortune of a great set of friends and family. They realized the abuse way before I did and have been understand, supportive and patience.

I will take your advice and proceed with caution. 

One of the things that I found most helpful was to reduce the opportunities to introduce conflict through verbal communication.   

pwBPD are often masters of twisting the spoken word to fit their narrative, using circular arguments to keep us off our toes.

I tried to limit phone calls as much as possible but sometimes it was unavoidable.  As soon as I hung up the phone with her I would immediately send her an email confirming our phone conversation and whatever may have been agreed upon in the call.  Highly recommend your drive toward using email as a preferred method of communication.

Hi Freedom56,

You might also want to check out Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger particularly if you think things will get high conflict.

ugghh has a great list  |iiii  You might also check out some of the past threads on this board that resonate with you for advice and ideas given to others.

As you go through the process feel free to post more questions as they come up there is a lot of experience here.

To answer your original question, I think your first step is to consult with several lawyers with finding your representation in mind.  Keep this on the down low from your husband. Do as much preparation that you can before letting the cat out of the bag.

Your "Risk" analogy is right on the money!

Wishing you well on your journey to Freedom!

Panda39

Hi Freedom56,

These are tough marriages and tough divorces. I hope you know this is a place where people understand what you're going through. You're not alone.

I wonder if your H might also be OCD in addition to having BPD? There is an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, too, though I don't know much about it.

Not all people with BPD are high-conflict personalities, though many of us here experienced the high-conflict type, or what Bill Eddy calls high-conflict personality (HCP). These are people who tend to recruit negative advocates (i.e turning family or third-party professionals against you), persuasive blamers, and a target of blame (you).

Either way, it's a good idea to plan well before you file. You most definitely do not want to tip your hand if you suspect your H will cut off money.

I was ultimately successful divorcing my ex husband, a former trial lawyer with strong narcissistic tendencies. I agree with ughhh it's a good idea to have a therapist who can help you deal with any feelings of guilt, obligation, or fear as you go through this. And if you can, consult with 2-3 lawyers and ask them all the same questions. Be clear about your goals and ask them to explain what strategies they would recommend.

You may need help with money as it sounds like your H has a tight fist when it comes to your needs. There is often a period after filing for divorce when you need to take care of yourself. Track this information carefully so you can factor it into your settlement. If possible, try to get leverage because it's much easier to ask forgiveness than ask permission in these cases. In my case, my L told me to take out half of our funds the day I left, and that anything I took would be treated like an advance in the financial settlement. If I had not done that, I wouldn't have been able to pay for my apartment, food, utilities, gas, etc. It raised holy h3ll with my ex, and it was also good advice from my L. Some lawyers will counsel their clients to take all of the money, and there isn't much you can do about it. If the tables were turned, it sounds like your H would cut you off in a heart beat.

As to where you should file... .that may come down to residency. Where I live, you have to live for six months in a state before you can file. You may have no choice but to file for divorce in your home state and travel back for any mediation or settlement hearings.

The hardest part for me, at least leading up to the divorce, is that just thinking about leaving made me feel stronger. And my ex could sense it. Things started to get very difficult toward the end, and then scary. I had a safety plan that even now surprises me in its military precision. I had a credit card in my name only, a PO box, a storage locker where I was keeping things that were important and or nostalgic. I had a separate set of keys and money hidden out in a shed (my ex started to lock me out of the house), and i only looked up important information about leaving on public computers. I had been putting small amounts of money in a separate bank account and bumped up my hours at work so I could get health care, and looked at renting an apartment to see how that might work if it came to that (it did). I'm so glad I did my research because it helped me eke out a small advantage and every step of they I did what I could to keep that advantage, including having leverage so that I could negotiate fairly since my ex was incapable of doing so.

You can do this. Take care of yourself and read everything you can. We also have some good materials under the Lessons link at the top of the page if you want to do some reading about the collective wisdom others have gathered as a result of being here.

You're not alone  

LnL