BPDFamily.com

So... .

Me and my ex-BPDgf broke up for the 3'rd time 2 weeks ago. I was sick of the push/pull behaviour. I've really tried keeping my distance, which is hard because we work together. Im really hurting. However, a couple of days ago her dad, which she is really close to, had intense stomach-pains. Today she found out that he has terminal cancer and will most likely die soon... .I feel so bad for her, I love her, I really do. And I don't know how to handle this situation. I know I have to think about myself, but I feel like a complete douchebag if I wouldn't be there for her... .

Please give me some advice.

Her family is her business, so I'd stay away.  The exception is if you had a relationship with her family or father and want to see them/him.

I just realized I posted this in the wrong board. Sorry.

You still love her (in love with her?), and this is hard. If it were me, I'd try to offer support as a friend. Support could be in the form of a short message, leaving out your feelings towards the r/s, one that you would offer to a friend. It would be hard to not get enmeshed here, but there's nothing wrong with being kind to her as a human being.

You can be there for her IF she asks you to. That's fair.

1. Do the right thing regarding your r/s with her father. If you have a significant direct r/s with him, honor it. If you don't have a direct r/s with him, leave him be.

2. If you feel that as a decent human being, you should comfort your exgf under these circumstances... .and... .you are willing to risk any attempts on her part to recycle, or other poor behavior... .then go ahead and comfort her.

Do whatever you have to do in order to look yourself in the mirror and be happy with the man you see there.

Krax hi,

I feel for you, this is a difficult situation. I went through something similar a few days ago. My ex gave me the secret that his best friend is dying of cancer and he only wants my ex with him. This was given to me as a secret that I couldn't share with anyone. This friend is someone important in my life, too.

I was ready to support my ex in this - lend a listening ear, help him with difficult feelings etc. I felt very detached from him but discovered that some of his behaviours can still trigger me (and they would anger me, perhaps even more) in a healthier person, too. For instance, he can still disappear in the middle of conversation for many reasons and I feel left out with this difficult feeling. I've come a long way with this and now can sigh and bounce back quickly but I still find it rude in a context like this - and also get stuck to the computer. He can still push certain buttons and these are difficult to deal with when I'm feeling sad, too. I discovered that I have this expectation from him: In sad situations, he should be grateful for my support, appreciate it and treat me kinder. I have also discovered that this may not be so. At one point, if he is left alone with the funeral, I may find myself helping him but getting terribly pushed in a lot of senses as well.

So, I've decided to radically accept. My help may not result in appreciation or gratefulness or anything. It may even result in the contrary. If I help, I'll help with this awareness and acceptance. Simply because of my own values and choices but they will have nothing related to him. (Neither do I want a temporary closeness that may be born out of this. I'll practice polite detachment.)

That's how I decided to do this for myself, I hope you find a way that protects yourself as much as her.

Best,


 

Hi everyone

Krax I think it is humane to support her if she shows you that she needs your support in this but at the same time try to be less emotionally attached. I am not saying that this is what is going on with your ex but my ex would constantly bring up health issues of friends and relatives everytime he was getting ready to vanish and every time he would return. I still don't know what was true and what was not but to be honest I don't think everything was true... .During the course of our 9 month relationship his mum was diagnosed and undergoing chemo for breast cancer, his dad had a stroke, his uncle died, a friend of his had a heart attack and he had two episodes when he needed to go under serious health examinations... .I don't know... .