BPDFamily.com

Hi there. A few weeks ago i met a guy through our mutual friend. It was a night like any other and i get a facebook request and acceted it. little did i know we would develope a liking for eachother and eventually go o a date.

the date seemed so magical. We went out for ice cream and walked around the mall. he held my hand and would kiss m cheek. Always saying how pretty i was. That night was made out of so many perfect momnets : from throwing pennies in the wishing well- to elderly people looking at us like we were freaks (he and i dress "emo"/ goth or whatever)

the next day was valentines day so of course we also spent that together. cudding and haveing cute conversations. We really felt comfortable with eachother, however a bit of doubt was placed in my mind. prior to actually meeting he told me he wanted a serious relationship- and i did too. he also caimed how he used to not be so decent in the past- hhaveing 16 different sexual partners and things such as that. he also told me he feared love.

that next week was hell. it started off with two guys starting drama after i posted a cute photo of him and i on facebook. these guys were telling him how im a slut and this and that and actually went so far as to change their friends name in their phone and say things like "wonna bang" and many other things. i however am a proud virgin (something he respected) but this is where the drama starts. we ended up fighting the entire day and eventually i showed up at his house ad he apologized. the nextday i was at work and my couin was oon ny facebook and he freaked out because i was online when i was at work,he was upset and to leave him alone so i did so and it made it worse. . Eventually each day we fought. never in person but in txt messages we would fight. sad it really hurt. friday night/ saturday morning he broke up with me. and then (i forgot to say hes in a band- he an i are very different im 18 and a sophmore in college- hes 20 and doesnt even have a GED and is a lead singer in a band- as you can assume my parents didnt like him which caused tention too) he was saying things like "idont want you, i dont want to ever see you again, leave me the f*** alone" and eventually spread rumors that im "stalking him", he threatened me with a restraining order, all these things. and during all that he found a new girl- who was at his show that i also attended that saturday because my freinds already agreed ed to go to it. when at the show he still had on my lucky hello-kitty braclet. he wouldnt stop staring at me even though i was in the most odd spot like kinda the the right in the mid of the room. even when i left the stage room and was sitting on a sofa chatting to a guy friend i had just met there. (i think he thinks i brought that guy)

i guess i just dont understand. he doesnt for sure have BPD, however he seems to meet all the criteria. From th roots it makessence. his father left him in his early teens... .girlfreinds have left him... many bad things just have happened... .is that why he left, so i didnt leave first? Why did he replce me so soon? Is he going to be okay? i worry about him, he would often say things about killing himself and had self harm wounds. i guess i dont understand how he picked up and moved on so suddenly- or what i did to make him leave. will he come back? what do i do when he comes back? I mean iwont lie i ocassionally look at his facebook page and see he and this girl who replaced me will delete and re-add one another... .anotother post said"i culd have had something nice and good for me but i now destroyed it"... .he made me happy and i wanted to make him happy. he was such a sweetheart in person... .im really just looking for any help i can get please.

also ! found a song lyric to explain kinda this whole thing

She was an Angel craving chaos

He was a demon seeking peace

But they were each other’s

toxic cure called codependency

He tried to dig his way out of a coffin

‘cause she smothered him with care

Before they lived in castles

They were dying on a prayer

Why do you think the fighting started that day? What was it about?



It sounds like texting doesn't work for the two of you -- it creates more drama. What kind of fighting was going on in the text messages?


When he said these things, how would you respond?


In this song, are you the angel craving chaos, and he is the demon seeking peace?

What does being a toxic cure for codependency mean to you?

hey dizzy_dreamer  

someone who tells you that they "fear love" is essentially telling you that they are in a place of emotional unavailability - thats not to be mistaken for incapable of expressing emotion, far from it, as is evident from your story. it means that an authentic, secure, sustainable attachment isnt really in the cards. its an issue that is virtually certain to play a dysfunctional role down the road.

when someone is telling you to leave them alone, accusing you to others of stalking them, and threatening you with a restraining order, thats a situation you want to defuse by steering clear for a while, as generally anything you do (no matter how well intentioned) will reinforce this persons idea that you are persecuting them, and things could escalate. its a very painful, even traumatic thing to experience, i know  . i had a gal pull that on me once, and i couldnt understand how she could seemingly go from being my best friend to my worst enemy; my feelings hadnt caught up either. i wasnt the first to be labelled a stalker by this gal, and you are probably not the first in his case. still, respecting his wishes, and not giving him any ammunition, for the time being, will give your situation some space to recover.


its difficult to say, but even if that is the case, it may not have been a conscious decision. people with BPD fear abandonment to the point of perceiving it whether it exists or not, and constantly looking for "signs" that reinforce this fear.


there are many reasons that people will enter into whats usually referred to as a "rebound" relationship. they are not always the "wrong" reasons. in this case, it sounds like youre dealing with an emotionally immature person who has difficulty sustaining a relationship beyond the honeymoon period. when conflict arises, it may overwhelm him. probably unknown to him, he likely instigates a lot of conflict. if he and the other girl are constantly readding and deleting each other, it doesnt sound like that has changed. it may also be that in quickly jumping to a new relationship, he was looking to be rescued. people with BPD tend to find their identity within a relationship. without one, they may even feel as if they do not exist.


it is possible. no one can say for sure. it seems to me that unfortunately, giving space is your only real option at the moment, and youve been doing that. be prepared for the possibility, but avoid fixating on it, as it will keep you stuck. use the time and space to recover from what has been a painful experience and shock to your system. when and if he contacts you, you will be in a better place to decide how to respond or how to go forward. take it slow. avoid discussion of the past. if he brings them up, its best to avoid giving your side of things, or expressing the hurt he has caused you, as you may find things turned back around on you quickly, and more threats of restraining orders.

hope this helps :)

and thank you for everything btw!

its difficult to say, but even if that is the case, it may not have been a conscious decision. people with BPD fear abandonment to the point of perceiving it whether it exists or not, and constantly looking for "signs" that reinforce this fear.

He was always searching for signs. I cant say i was any better. i believe in universal signs. But looking back i remember him saying "the universe is telling us this isnt right. your parents hate me. youre an over-acheiver and im a drop out. You can have anyone."


It seems him and this girl are doing well, or so ive heard. Ive finally deleted all of his and my photos because i know its what he have wanted. I no longer view either of their facebook profiles and that kyle guy i met at his show and i have been going on dates, and i like kyle alot. So im doing better. It hurts being abandoned but it seems to be what he does.


And thank you for everything by the way!

dizzy_dreamer,

are you leaning more toward detaching from this relationship and moving on as opposed to saving it at this point?