BPDFamily.com

Having a bad day today. I can feel a simmering in the house as realisation dawns: Bpds will not change. Nothing happens at his own instigation. We are trying so very hard to learn these lessons, to have the space to put it into practise and to get to a place where Bpds realises he needs to seek treatment. I'm not sure how much patience we can have.

We've got a nomad and waif at this current time. He wants no responsibilities, even for himself.

I see that treatment is the key to a better life. Without treatment how will he ever learn how to take care of himself.

I'm anxious, my husband is only just tolerating and my younger son is experiencing his own teenage problems and is wondering if he is in fact unstable too (I keep reassuring him and am absolutely convinced he's ok, they are completely different in everything and any anxieties seem to be normal for his age but I'm keeping a close eye on it).

I know Bpds has to leave our home but I'm praying for some kind of miracle as each week passes by. I'm a fool.

Rant over.

L

Hi Lollypop

It is tough, very tough indeed having to deal with this. I do encourage you not to be too hard on yourself and to not judge yourself too harshly. In my opinion you most definitely aren't a fool. You are a parent who wants what's best for her children and is worried when you see your child struggling. There's nothing foolish about that.

It is sad and unfortunate that your son currently does not seem to realize he needs help. Do you at least do feel that he in any way acknowledges that he might have certain problems? I know he has been officially diagnosed. Do you believe he accepts and fully understands his diagnosis?

There is always hope, we of course have to be realistic, but there is still always hope. Perhaps in time your son will realize he needs help. If he would then fully commit to therapy and working on his issues, there is a chance that his situation will improve. He isn't there yet, but that doesn't mean that day will never come. There is still hope.

Take care

Hi kwamima

You're very kind. I feel foolish because I allow this situation to continue.

Coping with a BPD child can be a lot easier with a partner sharing the anxiety but in another way it makes it harder as we are at different stages. Also, we are very reluctant to enter into a serious discussion with BPDs again. We've done this countless times before and it achieves nothing, just wasted energy. So we've learnt to put up and shut up.

This is exactly what BPDs wants us to do. Bpds wants to do exactly what he wants, when he wants. We've given in while we try and re-connect with him and we've been successful in this. We are interacting much much better. Bpds has been generally stable. But our experience tells us that nothing will change until there's a crisis. With us providing a roof, food and lifts to work and him doing the bare minimum, self medicating and working casually how long will this situation carry on for? - forever!

Bpds is very aware of his diagnosis, he understands it, he has experience of dbt albeit only 2 months. He will do, in my opinion, what he's always done and do nothing. He sticks his head in the sand and hopes it'll go away.

Actually, as I write this I see he's behaving a little like us. Perhaps he's waiting for a miracle too.

I feel very uncomfortable. I'm struggling with parenting, knowing what I'm supposed to do for the best. I've been trying to learn and cascade this to my husband and BPDs. I can see improvements but let's face it, until he wants to help himself what's the point of it? I think it's futile

I'm so sorry for rambling.

L

Progress is slow and rarely linear 

Do you believe you are enabling or are you supporting (and frustrated at how slowly he is progressing)?

Hi lbj

Bpds25, quiet internalises, main problems are fear, anxiety, executive skills, self esteem, money management, drugs.

You ask a very good but simple question that gets straight to the root. It's both, this is how I see it:

Supporting by providing a calm environment for BPD to get some stability and to reconnect him to the family as we explore a way forward. We give him an opportunity. We allow him to make his own choices as he's an adult. We encourage him to save monthly (success last month). We wait for him to seek treatment. We've removed a lot of stresses.

Enabling because we accept he self medicates (no drugs allowed in the house). Allowing him to remain in a waif role and not taking responsibility for himself.

The days BPDs works we feel better about the situation. When he doesn't work we resent him. Yesterday I got further triggered by seeing a picture on Instagram. Bpds was in the woods, making a fire.

Realisation hit me; we've an adult son 25, passing his time smoking weed in the woods on a Thursday when he should be looking for a job. This just isn't right on so many levels.

I discussed it with my husband last night and told him Im at the end. I want to tell BPDs today he's got to move out. My husband said he feels a coward because he's scared of what may happen.

There's always that little bit inside of you that wonders if there's another way. That there's something else or more that we can do. Perhaps there is, perhaps what we need to do is introduce boundaries instead.

What boundaries? Force him into treatment that he won't engage in?

I ask everybody for advice and guidance. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I apologise as I've put this type of post up before. What came back was "get him out" But I chose to try another way.

L

So just tried to have a conversation with BPDs. He responded OK at first, I asked him how he was feeling and he said "OK, happier now I've got some work tomorrow".  I started to talk and he progressively got agitated as he could see the conversation wasn't ending there. I said "please don't get agitated with me", he said "I'm not".

I tried to explain to him that we were trying very hard to give him the space he needs to sort things out, to start those baby steps. I asked him if he could see that and he agreed. I asked him if he thought he was also trying hard. He said he was and I asked how. He replied "If you really want to know, I'm not happy and I don't want to talk to you about it. My head is racing all the time and I just cant think."

I tried validating and also told him that this is how it will be until he decides to start treatment. We are waiting for him to take those first steps towards some form of treatment so he can end this cycle he's in. I told him that we can't force him to go into treatment because there's no point as he needs to engage with it.

I should have ended it there but didn't... .messed up... .started talking about him saving money, asking too many questions... .

He's gone out and hasn't called to reorganise his mental health assessment.

So this is how it is. Everything is "cool" at home, he skips around, we chat UNTIL I try to have a serious conversation. He wants me to shut up, he doesn't want to be challenged, he wants to be left alone so he can suffer in silence.

L

Hi

So this is what I've decided to do:

1. Sit down with husband and make a plan of what we want to happen by when

2. 23rd each month £100 savings from BPDs

3. 7th each month rent starting at £25pw but to increase every 3 months

4. Payment for any lifts I give him to take him to work to contribute to the fuel

He's been working pretty steady over the last 2 months, made his first savings payment. It's time to ramp things up to a pre-determined plan with the overall goal of getting him out. The immediate aim is to get him used to regular payments.

Concrete boundary: failure to honor the agreement means he can live somewhere else.

I'm feeling a lot better.

Thanks for your patience with me.


Ps.

Can somebody point me in the right direction for guidance on validating questions?

I've been practising validation and want to improve

Poll: The Power of Asking Validating Questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0)

(It is on the Articles board in the Learning Center)

Sounds like a good plan. 

It helped my d to have a supporting incentive to reach her goals... .matching savings program (what she put in I would match) be it for a high ticket item she wanted, a trip, etc... .

It is great when we can afford to do it.

lbj

Hi Lollypop

Oh Lollypop I'm so sorry you had a troubled few days  |iiii and pleased you are feeling a lot better. What a journey it is!  I know how much you want your son to gain treatment and take those steps to help himself to get well. I hear your frustration. That looks like a good action plan.

Last night I started reading Loving Someone with BPD and this sentence spoke to me 'Many people who love someone with BPD feel like they're constantly losing their balance'. I bet everyone one here can relate. I regularly lose my way and feel like I'm starting right back at the beginning, which of course I'm not. I just need to get it all out there like you have in this thread, bit like sorting out the washing   instead it's BPD sorting and it's complicated, exhausting and frustrating and we can lose our confidence very quickly. Your open communication and practicing the skills can only be helpful in opening up a pathway for progress. Realistically it's painfully slow, but as you say your son has worked over the last couple of months, that would not have happened without you setting the expectation. It's a positive behaviour and responsibility he presently owns and hopefully continues to.

Is lethargy depression, or weed or a mixture of both?

On the home front, we have a house calendar in the kitchen that clearly states the day daughters rent is due.  Also on the calendar are specific household tasks - an allocated washing day, whose turn to clean the bathroom, sweep the patio... .cook, shop - it works most of the time (I have swapped tasks when depression sets in, it’s real and debilitating) and makes me feel like I don't have a paying 'lodger' and I and my home are respected and valued. 

I hope you have a good day today. Hang in there!

WDx