BPDFamily.com

Hello:

I am currently separated from my wife of 23yrs.  I have been dealing with her BPD for as long as I can remember and didn't even know until recently that she even had this issue.  She insists that she wants to work on the marriage and that divorce is not an option, however I have grown tired of the drama and the pain of emotional abuse.  I just need help navigating the separation and the divorce process.

Thank you.

I understand the need/want to hang onto hope and believe the words of "I want to get better".  Unfortunately, I listened to those words for years and while he did finally start to make half hearted efforts at getting therapy, including CBT and involvement with our local mental health organization, when I finally made the decision to leave despite his efforts because of so much damage done, he quit all therapy which confirmed to me that it wasn't for his benefit, not mine, as he claimed. 

We are currently in divorce negotiations now and it isn't pretty.  He hasn't seen our 11 year old daughter since August, is claiming I'm keeping her from him (while he hasn't spent more than a couple minutes with his son from his first marriage either since June), wants spousal support from me despite him working the entire time and hasn't paid one cent of child support since we ended it and he moved out on July 2nd of last year (after a 3 month therapeutic separation).  I am terrified to see him when I have to attend a case conference in a few weeks.  I recommend making sure you have all of your ducks in a row and expect the unexpected.  Not that it's always this way, but I wouldn't take the chance.

4blade1,



Welcome to bpdfamily.com.  Based on your short description it seems that you have made it to the right place.  Many of us here struggle and have struggled with what you describe.  BPD is a complicated disorder and not something that is easily understood.

Are you still living at home with your wife?  What seems to be causing the most problems for you at this moment?

When I first came to this board I had a lot of questions and few answers.  Take some time to look at the reading resources, post and ask questions.  People here are very friendly and willing to support you in anyway you need.

JRB

Thank you both for your replies.  I am currently living at a friends house for the last week and am planning on getting an apartment.  The problem is that all of this is a shock to me, I just thought she was a difficult person to communicate with, and the criticism and contempt in my marriage was my fault (bad husband!).  She has only threatened suicide once in our 23 years and that was just recently.  She wants to work on the marriage and as a Christian she and I are conflicted about divorce, however it is an option for me if she doesn't get help and get better.  She thinks that the Holy Spirit will help her, and I know that is true but she also needs to deal with the issues from her past that brought her to this point with a licence professional. I have gotten really low and don't feel much hope for the future at this point.

4B1, Blaming others is another significant trait for pwBPD.  It is like they see something in themselves and cannot confront it and so "project" their feelings onto the people that are closest to them, usually spouses are prime targets.  This disorder is triggered by intimacy.  In other words, just being close to your wife will create a trigger for her and blaming others and not taking responsibility are primary traits of the disorder.


So, I want to offer a word of caution here.  If you love your wife, and it sounds like you do, it will behoove the both of you if you can learn about communicating with your uBPw (undiagnosed BP wife).  One of the teachings is that threatening them will only escalate the feelings that they are having and create a deeper spiral.  pwBPD traits are afraid of abandonment, if she feels that you are threatening to leave, it will only heighten her fears and create more of the unwanted emotional states that are part of the issues you are experiencing. 

Here is a link to a great article about Communication Skills (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) that is worth reading.



While it is likely true that she if she is BPD she would benefit from therapy, you cannot force her to see that or to go for some of the reasons that I mentioned above.  Further, people with BPD don't often clearly see their own behaviors or the impact they have on those around them.  These actions are driven primarily by feelings, and for pwBPD, feelings are facts. 

Given that you are feeling low, have you thought about trying to locate a therapist for yourself that could help with understanding your wife's condition and offer some strategies for improving your marriage?

As a side note to what I wrote above, I was married for 11 years, went through many of the feelings you are describing and retrospectively, wished I had had some of the resources on this board to help me understand what was going on. 

BPD is a serious mental illness, it takes time to learn what it is and how best to address it.  Go easy on yourself as you begin to learn.  Feel free to ask any questions.

joeramabeme Thank you so much for the resources.  I have a new found love and respect for my wife.  I am moving back into the home and am going to love her through this.  From what I have read, she is a very high functioning BP and has been diagnosed but won't get help.  My therapist tells me I am going to have to have some "mad skills" to deal with her bouts of anger and feelings of anxiety and perceived feelings of abandonment. 

I am not going to leave at this point or abandon her.   

4Blade1 - I am happy to hear this!  Your newfound knowledge will certainly help you in your marriage and provide the opportunity to address any situation that happens with more confidence and an approach that has been shown to have positive results.

All the same, don't feel like you need to abandon ( :)) the bpdfamily.com site if you have any questions or just want to clarify.

Best wishes and please keep us posted.