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My wife has run away for the second time in five years of marriage. Both times to an abusive ex-husband. The first time I was able to retrive her affter a couple of weeks. This time he paid to move all her furniture and belongings out of our home across the country. She's now living with him, allegedly in her own bedroom as a tenant. As in the past, I am the cause of all her troubles and he is the ONLY way she can get the job she wants with the federal government. She has refused help from friends and they and I are scared that he is again manipulating her into believing that only he offers the stability she needs. She says she loves me, but can't live with me. We are talking via phone a couple times a week. Sometimes I am the cause of all her problems and her anger spews everywhere, but sometimes she is easier to talk to you as long as I don't try to convince her that she's acting irrationaly and/or in danger from her ex. He has prevsiouly threatened me via email with violence if I come near, but my wife, who has the email on her computer, remains in denial. I'm scared for her, lonely for my wife, and uncertain how to proceed. She's still wearing her wedding ring, she says, and is not in a hurry to file for divorce, but insists that coming home is not an option. Help?

It is very hard going through this, take some time for yourself which I know will be extremely difficult.

Keep perspective.

What is more likely, that her ex is abusive or that your wife is the commons denominator?

Her ex probably thinks you are abusive and is saying, stay away from her because he has probably heard how bad you are. Keep perspective. The only person you know is your wife.

She took off her wedding ring. She is half way out of the country.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. My wife had multiple orders of protection against the ex to whom she runs. It took police intervention to get him out of her life. Only later did she learn that he had threatened her children. That said, I suspect that youre correct, shes probably told him how terrible I am, if shes told him anything. Historically, I am the rescuer, so it would serve him well to turn her against me. However, the fact that she is choosing to stay in touch with me, that she loves me, and insists that she doesn't want a relationship with him or any man seems encouraging. I suspect that she thinks that she's in control and can get away from him whenever she chooses. She often has an inflated sense of what she can accomplish alone and/or how long it will take. I believe that her focus is this job opportunity that she has built up in her mind as the only solution to her problems. Im concerned that she may have made some deal with him that she has to payoff if she gets it, e.g. Sex and/or divorcing me and marrying him. I'd like tomask her if that's  the situation, but I don't know if that's wise. Any suggestion on my part that she can't handle her life decisions on her own will be met with hostility. Im also concerned that the pressuresmof the position will lead to a crisis, as job pressures have done in the past. What she'll domthen ornwhere she'll go is anybody's guess.

Hey Grievinghubby, Sorry to learn what you are going through.  What makes you think your W has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.  I understand your anxiety, which perhaps stems from trying to control something that is out of your control.  Suggest you review the serenity prayer.  There's nothing to do, in my view, except to take care of yourself.  Your W may be headed for a crisis, as you note, but in the end it's best to let adults face the consequences of their actions, though that may sound harsh to you.  Try to be good to yourself and work on finding the path out of the dark woods.

LuckyJim

What I have learned by interacting pwBPD is that their words do not reflect their actions.

pwBPD tend to paint themselves good at all costs, but their lives are not representative of what they say.

I am saying all this to help protect yourself. Or at least to see that you have very little influence on what is going on right now.

Even if you presume to do everything right; her life is already on a road.

So what got you to this point? What caused her to move across the country?

From there the community probably can help and relate a bit more. 

Hi Grievinghubby,

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through right now. It's a good sign that she is still talking to you, and hasn't split you completely black. How do your conversations go in general?

And how did things go the last time this happened? What do you think turned things around so that she packed up and came back?

It's probably best to drop any rescue/fixer language from your conversations with her. She may be comparing strength in the two men in her life, even if one is abusive and has a past history of abusing her. Right now, she needs you to be strong. Not that you aren't, only that we tend to become weak (clingy, needy, pleading) when these things happen. It might be best to lighten up the conversation as much as possible, remain calm and positive, so you become a conflict-free source of support who isn't making any demands on her.

Is that something you can do?

LnL

LJ,

Thank you all for your input. The situation is dynamic and things are changing rapidly. I was supposed to hear from my wife yesterday, but instead of a phone call, I receivd an email. She sent me the link to an article she thought I might like and signed it Love, C. Then in a P.S. She went on to tell me all about how wonderful her new life is, including stoies about being accepted by the people of the town where she's staying (acutally she referred to it as where I now live) and about a wonderful dinner invitation that she and her ex receivd. She went into detail about how she had her hair done, bought a new dress, etc. Frankly, it was cruel.

The truth is, she's always had the capacity to get so completely worked up, for good or bad, about a situation that she has no idea how out of bounds she can get in what she says. Right now, she's talking about the small town like it's paradise and writing with almost immature blind enthusiaasm. Keep in mind that this is a woman with multiple degrees earned with honors. The letter was so extreme that a reader would concude that she's either simply cruel or clueless about her audience.

As I was writing this, I received a text from her in response to my reqeust to schedule a phone call (we have to at least talk about some personal business). I had mentioend that I would be avaialble on Sunday morning. She asked if that meant that Im not going to church with a friend (a plan I had mentioend to her). She reminded me to let him know if I'm not going to be going. Completely normal... .if she weren't living with her ex thousands of miles away for the past two weeks. I don't know what to make of any of this.

Regarding her being BPD, she's been diagnosed with adhd for many years. She's impulsive, despite meds. She's had a lifetime of poor decision making, often in ways that strike others as irrational. She can decide at a moment's notice that I am hiding money, cheating, lying, or making fun of her. She's just about put me on trial in our home and grilled me. She's a litigator, so she's good at it. Once while I was viiting my kids out of state, she had two of her sons help her put all my belongings in storage. She woke them up at 4 am to do so. Then she called me hundreds of mile away to tell me that she was filing for divorce that day. Which she did. I don't even recall what her rationale was, but it took me a week to talk her down.

She is a person of great integrity in all things except in marriage. She has lied to me many times about being in contact with her ex, never admitting what she's done until I find evidene of it and confront her. She's been married multiple times, twice to the same abusive guy she's with now and once to a younger man for a short period. All done impulsively, but for reasons that at the time made perfect sense to her (this according to her friends. I wasnt around for all of it). After I helped her get the abusive ex out of her life and we got married, she's called him when she gets overwhelmed and each time after a while he gets violent and I've had to bring her home at risk to us both. Two years ago, during a difficult financial time in our life, she took off to him in Oklahoma becaue he and he alone coud get her a job. She left me and her two step children without notice and it took weeks to figure out where she was. Again, it was clear in talking to her that she had an irrational fixation on this ONLY solution to her problems and, of course, all of her problems were caused by me.

Please keep in mind that for long stretches of our marriage, she is happy and we get along well. This isn't a case of not loving each other or being completely incompatible. We have our ups and downs, of course, but by and large when she's stable our relationship is good. Often during these times, she describes me as the greatest husband. She likes to whisper to me that she loves me and is proud to by my wife. She sings while she cooks. She's generally a happy person. But our finances have had ups and downs due to periods of unemployment and sometimes the pressure to get the bills paid and the discussions about what to do next get intense. That's what triggered the first run away.

Although she gets along with most people very well and is considered a fun and joyful person, I have never known her to get along with a boss. She's been fired from every professional job I've known her to have. It's always because, according to her, the boss is obnoxious and demanding or abusive. Honestly, in one case I think she was right. But every job?  She's a well-educated, brilliant woman, so the lost jobs are not because she's incompetent. As a result of her poor employment record, she's had chronic financial trouble. She's lost her home to foreclosure and is in default on student loans.The explanation she gives for these problems is ratioanl most of the time, but again without reason, she will suddenly decide that it's all her own fault, or all her abusive boss' fault, or all my fault. The intensity can be alarming and then as quickly as it began, it's gone. I've had similar experiences with her regarding her cooking and other aspects of daily life.

As for me, yes, I am feeling great anxiety. I have been supporting her, caring for her, and rescuing her for many years. I know the guy she's with and his history. I know that's he's not stupid and each time she runs to him he gets better at making it difficult for her to return home. This time he has all her possessions, is helping her get the job she so desires, and I suspect he's limiting her communications with me, her family, and her friends. He's isolating her and feeding her irrationality. If the past is any guide, she will continue to believe that he is the key to everything good until his threats against her become overt. I am scared for her and I'm concerned that after years of these problems, she's going to walk away for good. Honestly, I'm also concerned that letting her go may be the best thing I can do for me. I love her dearly and miss her terribly. But the ups and downs, the accusations, the alienation of my children, and these run away incidents have taken their toll. I feel guilty that I haven't done more when she's stable to get her the right kind of treatment. I feel guity that I didn't see this episode coming. But i've also been humiliated so many times and forgiven her lies so many times, because I love her and because she's dealing with emotional illness, that I don't think I know how to rebuild trust again. My family is worred about the stress this has been putting on me and that her problems are consuming my life.

Ironically, despite all the drama that my wife's behavior brings to our life, on her way out the door this time she told me that she just can't deal with my drama anymore. I suppose to her, my reaction to her behavior, attempts to get her help, and trying to smooth over difficulties with people that her words or actions have caused, must seem like me causing drama in her life.

I feel that I'm at a crossroads. Do I play the role of stong positive guy, moving forward with my life, and wait for her to come back down to earth and again seek my help, hoping that she doesn't get too hurt in the process, or do I give up, tell her that I love her and let her go?  Or, I suppose, do I confront her and try one more time to reason with her and finally just let her bear the responsbility for her actions?

GH

I think that my greatest challenge in being calm and confident is that while she's there in her new life, loving it all, and possibly having sex with her ex, I'm here in our home, struggling to do the work of two and feeling lonely. To some extent, it feels like just rolling with it all is damaging to my self-esteem. I know that she's not going to come running back just because I miss her or because I'm hurting. But aren't I being weak if I just let her play house with her ex while I try to keep the homefires burning? Does having a mental illness provide a free pass to do as she pleases while I go about my life married, but without a partner?

thanks for the additional background.

If you are worried that she will not come back, well she likely will. 

It will be on her terms when she is ready and when the current situation with her ex isn't working.

This might be months or more out.

You are not being weak. It actually takes a strong to do what you are doing.

The question though it is t very healthy. It will slowly drain you mentally

So if this is the relationship you want. You have to take care of yourself.

Be there for her support when she calls. But make sure you are going out and enjoying life.

Take time win friends and family.

as she has already done this twice. It is going to be a pattern most likely throughout your relationship.

She may or may not get help. You can't force that has. Just be aware that this is likely as good as it gets.

Well, I think I've turned a corner. I began writing a long email to her and in the process began to get angry. Suddenly I was able to recount instances of lies and dishonesty that I'd forgotten about. As I wrote, I came to understand that I have been enabling her for years. Each time she decived me I announded that this was the last time I'd forgive her. But then the next incident would occur and I would relent, again forgiving her. I've honestly thought that my choice to forgive her and move forward was a sign of great love for her. But I've ccome to realize that it's really a sign of a lack of love for myself. I have not valued myself highly enough to be able to say enough is enough. I let her humiliate me and then do it again and then again. I began to lose respect for myself and if you don't respect yourself, neither will anyone else. Including my wife.

So, after careful consideration and a great deal of soul searching with the help of some very giving friends, I've decided to detach. I have no desire to see her hurt and I doubt very much whether I could ever completely turn my back on her, but I have decided that I need to withdraw from the situation. Apparently it's the right choice for me; within hours of making this decision the pain in my chest and lump in my throat that has been ever-present since she left disappeared. I feel a sense of calm and when I went out this afternoon with my daughter to sell Girl Scout cookies I felt like myself for the first time in weeks. Sure, I thought about my wife for a moment here and there, but mostly with a sense of letting go. Sometimes the anger rears up and my thoughts are along the lines of "good riddance, " while at other times I find myself looking at her picture and searching her face while I say goodbye and wish for her safety, health, and peace.

To My Wife in abstentia:

I'm sorry my beloved, I can no longer set myself on fire to keep you warm. I have a life that I want to enjoy without the ever present danger of your flash temper and without the constant worry that you may run away again. I do not wish you harm, but it is time that you realize the consequences of your actions without me to mediate them. I can no longer hold myself open to the pain and sorrow you cause. I am not turning my back on you, but I am withdrawing the hand that I have held out to you for weeks since this episode began. I'll be here, at home, getting healthier and stronger. If someday you reach out your hand to me for help, I will be in a better frame of mind to make the right decision for me, whethher that's to help you get to your family, bring you home to get help before you move on with your life, or to open my arms and embrace you again. You are a storm, my dear, and i can no longer be the tree whose branches are torn away and whose trunk is punctured and twisted. For both our sakes, i need to learn to become the sky because storms cannot hurt the sky, they can only pass through.

Hi Grievinghubby,

What a lovely way to describe where you are at. You write like a poet  :)

It takes a lot of emotional strength to not be injured by a BPD relationship. To stay in a BPD relationship means being the emotional leader. Right now, you've taken an important step to focus on you, to take care of you, to become strong for yourself and your kids. No matter what you decide to do about your wife, this part is essential.

It's very easy in BPD relationships to think that moving our boundaries is what makes us strong. See how well we can tolerate this, and this, and this, and this. Like you are discovering, real strength is different. It is about knowing what our values are, knowing our boundaries, and deciding to love ourselves and take care of ourselves, using boundaries to protect us.

Without understanding what's happening, many of us in BPD relationships get beaten down and become a shell of our former selves, and don't get the chance to heal and become stronger. I in no way mean to make it sound like what you are going through is a good thing because I know the pain. Even so, you have this gift of time and space to rebuild and reflect.

I remember reading an account written by a woman with BPD about what it was like for her to be BPD, how she felt, what impulses ruled her, the depth of shame, the anxiety she experienced, the awful sense that she was empty, the abandonment fears. It's not an easy disorder and yet we can see the lovely people they are.

There is a good chance you will change through this, and she will sense the change.

Be kind to yourself as you work your way through this.

Hey GH, Yup, you nailed it; it is the best thing you can do for yourself.  Many are unwilling to face this reality, yet you have, so give yourself credit.  You are being authentic with your feelings, in my view.

LuckyJim

Be kind to yourself as you work your way through this. [/quote]
After several days of waiting for her to call as promised, my phone finally rang this evening. I asked why she hadn't called when agreed and why she had ignored my inquiries. She said she couldn't imagine what else there was to say. This despite our ongoing need to work out various logistical issues that arose with her sudden departure. I quickly realized that she's so completely divorced herself from our life that none of the problems her leaving created, like how am I supposed ot pay teh rent when the household income has dropped by 50 percent of contributors.

In any case, the btoom line is that things proceeded exactly as any rational person observing this relationship would expect. I have been feeling stronger and more resolved to be done with this relationship over the past few days. Not because I want to be done, not because I no longer love her, not because I don't miss her, but because I'm finally coming to terms with years of lies, manipulations, and infidelity. I'm finally starting to ask myself why am I working so hard to hold on to this woman? I'm finally remembering to remember ALL of the marriage, not just the parts I like. Good rule of thumb: if you're going to base an opinon or decision on facts, you need to consider all of them, not just the one's you like and you can't ignore the facts that don't fit the answer you want.

I had very much wanted this call to be scheduled so I could be ready. A time and date for a call is what i'd been seeking for several days, since Friday when she emailed when she was supposed to call. Despite being aware that if she called unscheduled that I should ignore it because to do otherwise would just promote her doing as she pleases and failing to respect my boundaries, when the phone rang last night as I was getting ready for bed, I answered it. I was greeted by a voice I know so well: my wife's cold voice. She has many tones and shades, and I know them all. This one is the cold voice of anger and resignation at haviing to deal with me.

I wish that I could say that all my preparation and what has seemed like good personal growth over the past weeks helped me. I wish I could say that I valued myself, held my ground, and discussed only those topics that needed immediate attention and did so in a neutral way. Sadly, I managed that for about five minutee. I couldn't figure out if I match the cold, detached tone with one of my own or if I should be warm and accepting, knowing that I wasn't going to get anything similar back. I began in busincess mode, but as she dispensed with each topic with minimal responses, I felt myself grow desparate to engage her, to get some sort of response that indicated that my sweet, loving wife is still in there somewhere.

The call became painfully awkward. I got through my two required topics and rather than letting the call go, I lingered. Ten minutes later we were back to me asking questions, trying to understand what happened, and how she could just get up and leave our marriage. To be fair, she didn't rage at me. She gave every indication of hoping that we could stop having these conversations, but she didn't withdraw from it. She told me how she agreed that as a couple when we were good, it was great. She told me that she loves me, but that the great love she once had for me, the one that made me the love of her life, had been smothered by my numerous faults and mistreatment of her. Oddly, she also acknowledged having lied to me and having misled me on multiple occassions, yet it was my mistreatment of her that was the great crime of our marriage.

Even as we were talking and I was telling her how much more difficult it is for me, the one left behind, to just let go and move on, than it is for her, the one who had her ex's credit card to pay to pack up and move out, I heard my inner voice asking myself "why are you chasing this woman?" But on I went. I told her that I miss talking to her, holding her at night, and seeing her in the morning. She told me that she knows it's not easy coming home to an empty house. Odd, when you consider that after telling me she needed to leave to get complete independence that she moved in with her ex. She continues to report that she's not interested in a relationship with him or anyone else, that he's neart and clean, quiet and makes no demands; the perfect roommate, but nothing more. Although, for the first time she said that she had taken off her engagement and wedding rings to stain some wood and afterwards didn't put them back on because they symbolize a relationship that no longer exists. This despite her position that she's in no hurry to divorce.

Basically, I did everything that I've done in previous conversations that I'd vowed to stop doing. I was the hurt one, the left behind, the one seeking to understand so I could fix it, the one arguing that we can work things out and that we should because who we can be as individuals and as a couple is worth it. She's done, she says, and she seems to be doing just about everything to show that, but I can't let go. Intereestingly, for the first time since she drove away, she admitted that she can be difficult to live with and that this contributed to our problems, but for her this is just evidence that she shouldn't be with anyone.

So why all the confusion? She's left, she wants to be gone, she rejects any notion of coming home, and she's stopped wearing her rings (she said she isn't telling anyone in her new town that she's married, but she and her ex refer to each other simply as friends). She speaks to me with a tone of resignation at having to do so, has no interest in contacting her stepchildren to even say goodbye, and sees no conflict in her descripton of herself as a person of integrity with all that she's done.  Yet, she says that she loves me and she's the one who at the end of each call we've had insists on checking in again in a few days. At first she said it's because she knows I'm worred about her, but even when I told her that while I'm willing to talk that I'm not insisting on anything, she said that she'll call again in a few days.

Here's the lunacy of it; I know that she really wants to keep in contact because it's an ego boost to have me want her despite her rejections. I know that her pattern is to run away, but keep in contact so she has someplace to go if her new idyllic situation goes bad. I know that right now we have such an incredible power imbalance in our relationship that she has nothing to lose by calling and listening to me suffer and suppicate. Yet, I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to stop and I know why. It's because despite all the insight that I've gained over the past few weeks and desspite all the hours I've spent talking with friends, famiily, and therapists, and despite knowing that she's hurt me in the past and will continue to do so in the future, and despite the fact that I recognize that after a period of total grief I am starting to feel better and have more energy than I have in years, despite al of this, down in my core I want my wife back.

But what I want "back" is a fiction. It's the good culled from the bad. It's the sense of security that came from "knowing" that she loves me and has my back. It's a longing for my best friend, even though I know that much of the time I found myself almost hiding in the bedroom to avoid annoying her or opening myself to criticism for what I eat or how I eat it, making a mess, talking too much, talking too loudly, watching TV, etc., etc. Do I want these things back in my life? I do not. But I want my wife next to me when I sleep and I want the little terms of endearment and I want the regularity of our domestic life when we were getting along. Basically, I want the security that came from ignoring the bad, holding on to the good, and forgetting the negative incidents and feelings of the past every 24 hours. Apparently, I miss my psychopathology. That's what it sounds like to me when I read it. I'm missing a selected bit of memories that make me feel good. That's it; I want to feel good and despite the dysfunction of our marriage or perhaps more accurately because of it, I crafted a wondefully effective system to holding on to the pleasant and consigning the bad to the deep recesses of a mental pit of denial.

I marvel at my wife's ability to somehow think that returning to her abusive ex is a healthy and smart thing. It's irrationality for all to see. A halmark of BPD, the irrationality. Yet until today I hadn't really seen my irrationality. The irrational, yet completely understandable, desire to hold on to an emotional system of pulleys, levers, filters, and ropes that allowed me to think that depsite our problems, my wife loved me, wouldn stand by me, was loyal and steadfast, and that our love, despite all the evidence at hand, was a healthy one that supported a loving marriage. It's comfortaable. It's familiar. Exactly the words I've heard therapists use to explain why an abused woman would run to her abusive ex husband rather than deal with the issues in a marriage to a man devoted to her. Yes, she's been abused many, many times in her life, as a child and as an adult, by men of her birth family and men she's married. Her life choice are consistent with one traumatized by abuse. No question. I see that clearly. So why is it that until today I didn't see it in myself where this relationship is concerned? 

My therapist described it this way: I didn't have enough scaffolding in place to support me until I was ready to go through that realization. We are wired to love and be loved, to experience dependence in romantic bonds. It's part of being human, a part of the human condition (a really great book on this topic is Attached: The science of adult romantic relationships by Amar Levine). We run into problems when we attach to people who have insecure attachments (or have insecure attachments ourselves). To look rationally at an abusive marriage is to question something deeply biological and psychological and emotional. It goes back to family of origin issues for many of us. As children, we had few if any options to pick up and try another family, so we learned to cope and adapt, and this became our working definition of love. We take these definitions with us into our romantic relationships and pass them along to our children.

Until one day, you feel a little stronger, have a little more clarity, or your loved one leaves, or they become too dangerous and cross a line you didn't know existed.

It can take a lot of emotional strength to question the foundation of a long-term relationship. I am so grateful I had a therapist who saw my pain and suffering as a sign of a breakthrough and not a nervous breakdown. Emotions came up that were messy and raw and painful and inconsistent. They were unpredictable when they came, and I seemed to be flushing them out in chunks, not a pretty sight and certainly not one in which I felt I had a lot of control.

But if my T is right, we don't tend to go through these experiences until we're ready.

Right now you seem to be ready.

And from my perspective, whether you stay connected to your wife, either way you have to build up this strength and go through this. You have to be the emotional leader in these relationships. Bpd distortions and whatnots can make it very hard for them to meet halfway, if even that, at least without sustained treatment.

Also, something I realize now from my BPD marriage is that he tended to push me away the hardest when he felt the most intimacy and vulnerability. This helped me realize that his issues were fundamentally his issues, and I was spinning wheels when I asked him to explain why this and why that. The truth is that he didn't have the emotional capacity nor the communication skills to understand why he dealt with his fears by sabotaging himself. I can see now that he was so fragile emotionally that his distortions were preferable to confronting the depths of his fears. This can be true for many people, not just BPD. The difference with BPD is that the "self" is not stable.

Sinking into the depths of my fears and recognizing how lost I felt, how alone, how distorted my beliefs about my family and love were -- that is the most terrifying internal emotional experience. It felt like annihilation. It gave me empathy for what it must feel like, on some level, to have BPD. For me, it was a one-time experience and I had skills and support to find my way through it, allowing others to help me and support me. For someone with BPD, those critically important extra supports are not in place as guideposts.

That's why it's so important to be kind to yourself, to take good care of yourself. Love yourself the way you deserve to be loved, how you wish she could love you. I know it sounds corny and cliche to say that, it's also the one true thing I know. Fake it if you have to. Go through the motions if that's what works. You'll be building strength and making it easier to get through what you need to get through, especially in a world where most people won't experience what you're going through, or won't pay attention when and if it does.



LnL

Hey GH, I've been in your shoes, my friend.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Find a quiet place and do some thinking from the neck down.  Take a walk.  Like you, I did a lot of analyzing, which is what I do for my job.  At the end of the day, however, all that rational thinking never made a dent in BPD and eventually I determined that I had to stop ruminating, which was a waste of time, and instead go with my gut feelings.  Only you can find the right path out of the dark woods.

LuckyJim

No it does not. I apologize but I did not have time to read all of your posts but I went through something similar a couple of years ago and took my wife back and I KNOW in my heart I would never accept that behavior again, mental illness or not.

Hang in there

I am so in this situation at the moment. The precise variables may be a little different. I wanted to let you know that reading your posts have helped tremendously. To the quote specifically, I feel this. I am this. For me, it speaks, rather than to comfort and familiarity, but to self-worth. Despite all the pulleys, levers, etc, I am worthy of being loved by another. I am worthy of loyalty. I am worthy of being stood next to. I am worth being loved by another. If it goes away then somehow I am not... .

There are a lot of really powerful posts here. Why didn't I see it? This is interesting. Growing up with a BPD mom, I did see her behavior, but since she would blame me for her actions, I also believed it was something to do with me. I thought that, if only I was good enough, my mother would remain the nice mother I had when she wasn't dysregulated. My father reinforced this by asking us to behave and be very good to not upset mother. Mother was not responsible for anything she did, yet we would get punished for supposedly causing her to dysregulate. This led to to believe that I was responsible for BPD behavior.

Oh boy, I may have well have had a 20 foot sign on my head with flashing lights: Caretaker, co-dependent, up for sale- dirt cheap, will do anything and put up with anything just to be loved. Well almost, I had some boundaries, but for years, I assumed I was responsible for the issues in my marriage and if I was only good enough, I could fix them.

The one day, after I had my own children, my mother crossed the line of enough was enough. This caused a breakthrough event- as described when I experienced my memories - not through the view of a child, but that of a mother- I was one, and realized there is no way I would have ever behaved like this with my children. Fortunately, my marriage was to someone much different, traits perhaps, but with whom my co-dependency fit like a glove and I had to pull myself up from being the doormat I was, because he seemed quite content to devalue me so long as I accepted it.  I was the one who was unhappy.

It has been a lot of work, all of it worth it- married or not ( I am) . Some of it is forgiving myself for being such a doormat, but as livedandlearn said, you don't see it until you do. Perhaps it took me becoming a mother to take the perspective that the behavior I accepted as a child was unacceptable, and once this started, it applied to all my other relationships.

Well a couple of days have gone by and not surprisingly I've been all over the emotional map. After I posted on Monday after my latest phone call with my wife, I realized a couple of things. First, she stopped saying that she didn't want to reconcile. What she said instead was that she isn't coming home. I'm not sure if I'm grasping at straws or not, but one of the prime issues that she's cited in her need to leave was her inability to find a job in our piece of the east coast. We moved here just a few years ago to be near my kids from my first marriage, so it's not really "home" per se. I believe that one of the factors that led to her taking off is that she lost her sense of identity. Although her kids are grown, they are all in the Midwest where we're both from. Moving east removed her from mothering. She also lost her sense of professional identity becuase of her inability to find a job. As I've posted earler, she's run to her ex across the country becuuase she believes that he can get her a federal job. So, her reformulating her sentence in that way, that she's not coming back, rather than she's not interested in reconcilliation may be significant. I've already reminded her that I am willing to relocate if there's someplace we can both be employed in our fields. Subtle or not, it is a change.

The other thought that has been bouncing around my brain is about her insistence on calling regularly. I've made it clear to her that I'm not demanding regular contact. Yet, she set up a call for this Friday. Is she just staying in contact as a back up for when things go bad there?  Are things already not as she is describing them to me?  Is it just a control or ego thing?  Is she even aware that it's odd that she'd run away because I'm smothering her and then seek to talk to me twice a week?  Interestingly, when I told her yesterday that I'm not avaialbe on Friday, rather than bail on the call, she suggested Thursday at noon instead. When I told her that I'm not available at noon, she came back with the suggestion of 11 am. Clearly she wants to talk. Alarmingly, I've noticed that all her calls are during the day or late at night. Exactly the times when her ex wouldn't know that she's talking to me because he's at work or asleep. After all, she snuck behind my back to talk to him, so why wouldn't she do the same to him to talk to me?  Once before when we were talking in the afternoon, she suddenly said that he was walking in and she had to go. She abruptly hung up. It would be consistent with his past abusive pattern to exert increasingly control over her. Limiting her communications with me, her friends, and her family would be a part of that control.

I also noted that she told me that she's waking at 5:30 am every morning. That's quite early, particularly for someone with no job. My guess is that she's been told to get up then to make him breakfast. In the past, he's set out exactly which tasks he expects done that day, and expects to see work product by a set time. If history is any guide, no matter how she complies, he won't be happy. First he'll criticize, then he'll belittle, and then he'll threaten. I know that right now there's nothing I can do about any of this, but it haunts me. I know I have to let her conclude on her own that she's made a mistake and needs help; I'll never be able to convince her. She has to suffer the consequences to whatever point it takes for her to realize that she needs help.

So, what am I to do during these phone calls?  I have to dispense with the I love you and miss you stuff. It comes off as needy. I can't feign happiness over what she's done though. I think that the best I can do is calm confidence. Calm, as in I have my stuff together, and confident as in i'm looking forward and getting on with my life. She's the one pushing the phone calls, so she's going to need to take the lead on conversation. If she wants to talk about reconciling or missing each other, etc., that's fine, but I can't take the conversations there. That's going to be tough. I have so many questions I want to ask (for example, the timing of the calls, the wake up time, etc.), but I can't ask them. Moreover, I have to do this while guarding against thinking that just because we're talking that there's going to be a quick resolution to this situation. That's the hook for me. That's where I get emotionally pulled down. When I allow myself to get optimistic.

Yesterday evening after we decided on the time for Thursday's call, I sent her a text letting her know that I was going to have dinner with my son and then I was taking a class in emergency preparedness.  I made a comment about whether it'll include what to do if we run out of our favorite wine (a habit of ours is to drink wine together when the power fails). She responded with a funny comment that said in part that as long as we have toilet paper, we can do without the wine.  We. She said we. I responded with another joke, but by then it had reached 5 pm where she's located... .after work hours... .and I didn't receive a response.

My friends think I'm absolutely insane for sharing joking texts. One called it humilating to act like all is well and she's at home waiting for me. One was incensed in the belief that she knows exactly what she's doing, e.g. giving me what I want so I'll feel good and stay available to save her or to just boost her sense of security. Both friends feel i'm being used. Maybe they're right. But all i know is that I want to communicate with my wife and these are the channels that are open. I'm following her lead. If this is how she's able to relate to me now, I feel that I should take it and just try not to let myself believe that it means a resolution is near. One very smart friend reminded me that in her opinion, none of this is about me. Nothing that has happened to bring about this situation was about me. Neither the phone calls or the joking texts are about me. Everything my wife does, in my friend's opinion, is about my wife; about what she needs and about making her feel better.  Maybe that's my fundamental misunderstanding when it comes to my wife. Maybe all of it; love, marriage, and all our issues are about my wife. Not that she doesn't love me as well as she can, but that her conception of love and her ability to meet the responsibilities of marriage just aren't the same as mine and never will be. Sometimes it's just too much to think about.

I think this is very insightful. And true. When you recognize the emotional limitations of someone with BPD, it makes more sense why this might be so. Her sense of self is not nearly as stable as someone without BPD -- it's hard for us to imagine what that must feel like. She experiences her "self" in survival mode much of the time. So like you mention, losing her professional identity, her identity as a mother, that will take a far greater toll on her than it might on someone who has a consistent sense of self.

It is heart breaking to read someone with BPD talk about the abyss of emptiness they feel at the core of their selves. This is not to excuse the behaviors and strategies used to help cope, only to feel some empathy for why it's so difficult for them to think of others when they are trying desperately to think of themselves and to feel something other than empty.

My guess is that the more you validate how she feels, the more you are even, stable, confident, calm, and resilient, the more she will feel safe investigating her own feelings, even if she cannot articulate them to you or explain how all of this happened/is happening.

It's tough work.

Ok, now I really need the beneift of everyone's experience:

I sent her a follow up text today from our joking exchange yesterday. She responded with a text and then a phone call in which she told me an old joke. We both were laughing quite a bit. Then the conversation moved off into other directions and before I knew it, I was reminding her that she and I were invited to a family event in April. I asked her if she still wanted to attend. She was amazed that I wanted her to do so. She said that she'd check airfares and we could talk about it again tomorrow.

Then she responded to an email I had sent sometime ago regarding problems in our marriage. It began with my mea culpa and went on from there. She responded, not flatteringly, but she did respond without anger. Most importantly, she responded.

Yet, during the phone call she told me that she had been invited for an interview for one of the jobs for which she applied with her ex's recommendation. She described how nice it it in NM. She certainly didn't sound like someone interested in returning to the east coast. I'm totally confused. I'm also trying very hard not to get too excited about these developments. Does anyone have any idea what to make of this?

Their happiness revolves around comfort and how well you make them feel.

You provided that and see was able to connect.

Right now she is just enjoying life.

Did she say she wanted to return to the East Coast?

I think pwBPDs tend to be pretty blunt. If she wants to come back she will.

She would say as much.

But it is good you have reopened the lines of communication.

From there almost anything can happen, but don't over guess her intentions.

Haven't posted for a while and thought those who were reading my saga might appreciate an update. For the last couple of weeks my wife has been calling me twice a week. Each time we talk for about an hour and then she tells me when she'll call next. Being Jewish, it was our practice to light sabbath candles every friday night. Last week I invited her to join me via FaceTime while I lit the candles at home. I know that she can't light candles where she's staying as her ex is an anti-semite who would never allow it. She called me and we did the blessing for the candles and the wine. It was very nice, although bittersweet because Friday night was always "our" night. She made a point of showing me her new French maniure and in doing so displayed that she's not wearing her wedding or engagement ring.

This whole experience over the past five weeks has been one big ball of confusion and contradiction. She continues to say she's not returning to NJ where we live, but she's stopped saying that she isn't willing to reconcile. When she left she said that she wouldn't see me until August, six months from the day she left. But, earlier this week she agreed to attend the college graduation of her two younger sons with me. I was shocked. I suggested that we need to have some time alone before we go out in public and to a family celebration after the ceremony. She agreed.

Our phone calls are generally very much like our check in calls before she left, expect they now include some update on her activities there, often consisiting of her telling me again how great it is and how at home she feels (I've spokenn with people who have been in the little town where she's holed up and to a person they tell me it's no place you'd want to stay for longer than you have to be there). So, it seems that her idyllic descriptions are still an attempt to convince either me or her or both of us that this irrantional decision she made was correct. Although she speaks with me in friendly tones for the most part and has even talked with me about our marriage and our problems, if I move towards a discussion of my feelings for her or her coming home, she immediately moves to get off the phone. I am still the source of all her troubles, the villian, although she told me recently that she's no longer angry about those things. I don't know if that's a sign that she's moved on and reconilliation is off the table or if it's a sign that her dysregulation anger is abating. Based on my experience with her, when she runs away it generally takes about four weeks for her emotional state to start to stabilize. It's been five weeks, so this could be a good sign.

I've done a great deal of reading about BPD and can whole heartedly recommend the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book so often referrenced on this site. It's really helped me develop a useful set of filters for hearing my wife. I'm no longer as reactive to her angry or hurtful statements, as I have a better understanding of what lies beneath them and how to handle it in a more detached way. Some of the most hurtful statements still sting, but i'm often not aware of it until hours later or the next day when I hear her voice echoing in my head.

I very much miss my wife and have found myself saying that I miss the woman I knew, not this woman she's become. But I have to stop myself each time and remind myself aloud that she is excactly who she's always been. The sweet woman and the angry irrational woman are both her and they always were. I chosee to see onlly what I wanted and as a result, I never took the time to learn how best to be in a relationship with her. That's a source of guilt for me. But, I can only change the now and in the now I am educating myself and doing all that I can to encourage her to face her problem and all I can to support her getting treatment when she's ready. My mantra has become: I didn't cause her to leave, I can't control her behavior, and I can't cure her. Repeat as necessary.

But mostly I just wish my beloved would come home.

Hi GH,

I can see why you would be so perplexed by her behavior. Do you see parallels between what she is doing now (living with an abusive ex while communicating with you), and what happened in her family of origin? My ex's strangest behavior always made me feel as though I was standing in his childhood living room, hearing what he would say to his mother as though he was 5 or 6 years old. It made me want to understand psychosis -- my T has explained it to me many times and I've tried to read about it, though still feel as perplexed as when I first tried to understand. The best I could come up with is that when my ex displayed the most bizarre behavior and seemed most disconnected to reality, he seemed to be experiencing some kind of psychosis. Apparently psychotic breaks can last a while.

Hello Grievinghubby, I feel for you, and your pretty dreadful situation. What I wanted to say is to validate your thoughts, theories, and hunches. I believe everything you have posted is spot on the money with regard to her behaviour and your expectations and what you need to do.  She has painted you (and probably your children) black to suit HER needs and purposes. I believe you, and your friends believe this is a sham of a marriage... .I do too.

Detachment is the key, as you yourself suggested earlier... .this will set you free in this relationship that is so one sided. I feel that most pwBPD should not get married.

I also feel that what you are feeling and how you are behaving are completely natural but they are also undermining your efforts to win her back. Her behaviour is the very definition of riding the BPD roller coaster. She has painted you black although is holding you in position as an orbiter in case she needs to return to Plan B. Sad and very unfair on you and your children. I don't know how old they are or how long she has been in your life but I hope they are adjusting and coping well with these events and your obvious suffering. I know my children do not want "this" for me. Do you really want to be a second choice?... .the plan B?

You have been and are being abused. How dare she take off her wedding rings to suit her reality. That is disgusting and has BPD written all over it. Be very careful with buying into what she is telling you. pwBPD are master manipulators and one of your big problems in your "relationship" with her are the lies. She could be living in opposite world. Justifying her behaviour to move across country and leave you because he can get her a job that hasn't even happened yet sounds like she is being manipulated or plain fooling herself. Painting her abusive ex white?... .SAD. I tell you her "story" smells like bulls#*t.

I think you know that her detached ex has now become attractive to her. He may have been getting on with his life and she couldn't bear that... .that she would be missing out. That HE didn't need HER. How pathetic is that?... .but I think we both know that when HE becomes fed up with HER and the real abuse starts she will reconstitute her "relationship" with you... .like cordial... .with too much water added. Weak. But in that event all this "exercise" will be to demonstrate to you that it will be on her terms... .that she won't be "controlled" by you. Her behaviour smacks of BPD engulfment. Are you then simply prepared to take her back?... .for another round or recycle?... .until she can perpetuate this dreadful cycle once again on you and your children?

Like your friends, I am disappointed and disgusted by her behaviour and treatment of you. She has no "idea" of marriage except some unrealistic notion in her head. She is only repeating past mistakes.

But what will you do?... .don't just listen to your head, and just don't listen to your heart. Try your gut as suggested. You already know what is best for you. It's getting there, the "doing" that is the hard part.

If you want her back try fighting fire with fire. When she calls don't pine for her. Don't tell her you want her back. Show her you are building the best life for you... .and be actively doing that.

Make plans WITHOUT her, do things for YOU. If she wants to have these reassuring conversations WITH you, then take the time to make them about YOU.

She may not be getting the narcissistic supply from him and if she doesn't get it from you then watch her life fall apart... .and you become a BPD magnet.

But if you succeed in building a better life for yourself and I believe you can, and you will, then bringing her back into your better life will be with much trepidation... .as it should.

Your life really needs to be on your terms... .not on hers. A very dysfunctional and disordered woman. How will this ever end well... .for either of you?

I wish you well, my friend.

Grieving hubby,

This is certainly a painful situation. I understand that you want her back. I don't know if there is any way to do this- in the sense that we can not really control someone else's choices. She may come back, she may not, and if she comes back, there is the question of then what? will she stay? She has gone back to this man twice.

This is a lot to think about, probably more than you can think about now, and questions that don't have answers. However, all this focus on her, her choices, her calls, e mails, puts all the control and fate of your happiness into her hands and her choices.

The only thing you have control over, really, are your choices, and if you choose to wait and in a sense share her with another man, that is your choice too.

I hope you will learn about the drama triangle. This is in a way a stable configuration for a disordered person. People on the triangle play out their roles as rescuer, victim, persecutor and the roles can vary. In my own opinion, I think victim is the preferred role for someone with BPD, at least the people I have known. People who are co-dependent tend to be rescuers, enabler. Also, pw BPD tend to split people into black and white thinking- good guys and bad guys and that can change.

All relationships have some conflicts and disagreements. In an emotionally healthy relationship, people seek to work these out with each other- not just in romantic relationships, but with other relationships as well. When there is a triangle the person feeling wronged seeks out a third, vents about the issue, and the third person steps in as rescuer. I can imagine that with the ex in the picture, your wife turned to him with a problem, he stepped in to rescue her from you. Now, she is with him, and contacting you . You get to play the good guy, the one who is supportive, the nice person while she is with anti-Semitic, abusive guy. There is some satisfaction for you, and even some good by keeping peaceful contact with your children's mother, but also heartache in being part of this triangle.

Considering that this man has been in her life for a long time and she has run off with him before, this triangle and dysfunction has been in process for a long time in your marriage. While this separation is recent, things had to have been dysfunctional before it happened. Nobody can predict the future, but it is possible she will reconcile with you, once things get complicated with ex- and they are likely to get complicated because, if someone has a particular way of relating to people, then that plays out in all relationships. So, should she return, the relationship patterns are likely to be there as well.

Change starts with you. This is because, your part in this is the only part that you can make choices about. One big fear of changing is would this lose the relationship? Maybe, maybe not, but the benefit of examining  your part in this dance, this triangle, and making changes is that you become a more emotionally healthy person in all your relationships. This growth may challenge the relationship, yet it is also one of the best hopes for a better one. Have you considered counseling to look at your part in this?

Also, I would like to mention enabling. Enabling involved protecting someone from the consequences of their actions. Yet, this, is how people learn. Naturally, one steps in to protect young children, as well as adults who could be harming themselves- for instance, we would take the car keys from a friend if they had been drinking at a party. In the early days of AA, they found that the men ( and it was all men in that era) would be able to stop drinking, but then, they would get worse. It was then that they looked at the wives ( all women in that era) and found that these very kind, loving, understanding and enabling wives were a part of their husband's drinking problems by protecting them from the consequences of drinking, covering up for them, keeping secrets. It was then that they had to address this behavior in the wives for recovery to happen.

There are consequences to running off with another person when married ( if the marriage is monogamous). There is the loss of the marriage, the break in the family, possible financial losses and more. While we hope that love and morality are enough, sometimes they aren't enough for people. Some people test the boundaries. Why don't people rob banks more? Well, there are consequences for that. Yet, if the bank said " we like you so much, come back anytime and have some more"  - how many people would be running to the bank, taking money, every week?

Your wife made this choice. Yet, if you remain as rescuer in this triangle, in a way you are making her relationship with the other guy more stable, because, if they have any issues, she doesn't have to face them with him, she can turn to you. And if you are always there for her, welcoming her back with open arms, then there really are no consequences for leaving her marriage. This doesn't mean not reconciling, but unless this configuration is OK with you, there would need to be some boundaries about this on your part. You may not know what they are, but you can start to work on your part of this. It makes sense to stay in touch with her- the two of you share children and have events such as graduations to attend,  but you can also work on your own growth if you wish to not interact on the drama triangle.

All, I've written an update to my story tht exceed the maximum length for.a single post. So, I've had to bretk it into pieces. Here's part 1:

Thank you all, so very much, for your supportive input, advice, adn ideas. It has and does mean a great deal to me. I'd also like to apologize for letting so much time pass since my last post. I know it's impossible to write a meaningful response to a post without giving something of yourself and after having done so, it can be frustrating for the thread to get cold.

Since it's been almost a month since my last post and it's been almost exactly two months cine my wife left, the story has developed a great deal since I last updated you all. I don't know that I can reconstruct all that's occurred with much reliability. As it was a month ago at the time of my most recent post, time seems compressed. Sometimes I tihnk back to an event, a conversation, or a though of my own and although it seems to me that it was last week, in fact it was just a day or two ago. So, I hope you'll all forgive me if my story jumps in time a bit.

In fact, as I write this it's about 2:30 am on the east coast. In almost exactly ten hours my flight will depart for Texas where I am anticipating seeing my wife for the first time in two months. I'll take a step back; aroudn the time of my last post, my weife and I were talking on average about twice a week, although sometiems as often as three or four times per week. She always called me, although she often missed whenever our scheduled time was set. Still, almost all the conversations took place during work hours. At the end of each one, we'd pick a date and time for the next call. At first, she justified these calls as necessary so I wouldn't fall apart or bother our mutual friend who lives in Texas. She's known both my wife and I since we were teens and although she and I lost touch, she stayed in contact with my wife through the decasdes when I was not in her life. So, our mutual friend (I'll call her MF to make this easier) was around for long streteches of my wife's life that I wast not. MF and I have reconnected since this curent crisis began and she's again become a dear friend. It didn't take long for it to become clear that my wife was jealous that I had reconnected with "her" friend and, as a therapist friend pointed out to me, she was probably concerned that by sharing information, both MF and I would gain new insights into my wife's truths.

Despite being told that MF and I speak regularly and that there is no need for my wife to speak with me if all she was trying to do was prottect her friend, my wife continued to set up the next call at the end of the curent one. I did my best to be positive about my life when we spoke, to be open to listening to my wife as she described where she's been living and the progress of her job search. As I learned more about BPD, I began to hear her through more sophisticated filters. Over time I've been astounded by how accurate some of the books are in predicting nearly verbatim some of the things that my wife has said to me about her life, our marriage, and how she feels.

In the last days of March, I mentioned during one of our conversations that I had been looking forward to attending the college graduation of my two younger stepson, my wife's two younger sons. The graduation is set to occur in late May in chicago. To my amazement, despite living as if she isn't married and claiming that she did not think of me as her husband, my wife told me that of course I should attend the graduation, as I'm the boys' stepfather. I wanted to ask her how it's possible that I'm their stepfather, but not her husband, but I'd aleady learned that putting her contradictions front and center would not produce the insights I hoped for, but would just push her away and close down the conversation. I asked my wife if she was suggesting that we attend the graduation and subsequent family and friends party together. She said yes. I agreed, with the proviso that we arrive in Chicago a day or two early so that we can spend some time together before being with our family. I was concerned that we have time to figure out how to relate to each other, to get past awkwardness, and to avoid having any emotional tension played out in public. She agreed and in fact went so far as to agree to share a hotel room with me for the stay, rather than bunk with her kids on their couch. I was quite amazed by this turn of events.

Part 2

A few days later, while driving to work one morning, i decided to call her to discuss the logistics of the visit. There was air travel to arrange and a hotel to reserve. I reached her and while the conversation began well enough, I failed to control my own emotions and allowed the topic to wander from logistics into her mental health. I made the classic mistake of trying to tell a pwBPD that they may have BPD and to use logic to persude her to agree to be evaluated. Big mistake. She got angry, suggested that I was the one with the problem.(classic) and that she couldn't trust me because i got her to agree to talk by saying our topic was logistics, when I really wanted to try to convince her that her judgement is flawed and to turn he decisions in an illness, just because I disagree with them and want to wrest control of her life from her. she angrily said that she was going to hang up, despite my apology. To my surprise, however, she said that she'd call me back in an hour.

I had arrived at work and made my way to my office. About 20 minutes later, she called. We rebooted our conversation and this time her mood was much better. In fact, that was the start of what became a three hour phone call in which we shared more, laughed more, and got along better than we had since she left. During the oourse of the call, I asked her what she planned to do for the upcoming Passover holiday. I had already asked her if she wanted to attend my family gathering in Chicago and she had declined. She told me that she would hold a Passover Seder in the little desert town where she's living. I was highly dubious, as her ex, with whom she's sharing a small house, has always been antisemetic and intolerant. There was no way, in my estimation, that he'd allow a Jewish holiday celebration in his home. Knowing this, I took a chance and told my wife that I had spoken with MF about having Passover at her home in Texas. MF isn't Jewish, but has some experience with Judaism and felt that many of her friends would be interested in experiencing this ancient Jewish holiday. I thought that perhaps my wife would think to call MF and arrange to spend Passover together, thus giving MF a chance to spend time with my wife and to assess the sitatuion for herself. But, my expectations were excceeded when my wife, showed great enthusiasm for the idea of she and I hosting a Seder at MF's house together. Our conversation continued, now focused on the logistics of introducting the holiday to non-Jews. My wife told me that she wanted a day to think it over before committing to anything. Two days later she called me and committed to making Passover together in Texas in April. We went on to discuss the logistics of dates and travel. By the end of that conversation, i had bought plane tickets for us both after choosing dates that would provide us with five days together on 'neutral" territory. I was astounded.

Part 3

When my wife left she siad that although she felt it unlikely that we could stay married, that we could see each other in six months to talk about where we were at that point and whether reconciliation was something even worth considering. That would have put our first get togehter sometime in August, as she left in mid February. By late March, she had agreed to getting together in May for the graduation. By the very end of March, she had agreed to five days togther in Texas in April. It was an amzing turn of events. Although she had not yet competely pained me white again, she did go so far as to tell me tht she loves me and to use a term of affection here and there. Still, she insisted that her future was to be a federal employee, with the help of her ex, in New Mexico.

Over the past two weeks, as the visit has approached, she's become incresingly friendly, albeit always on her terms. We've been more easily able to talk about our marriage, her job search, and a possible future together. She's even referred to she and I with the collective "we" and "us" when discussing the future. But it remained clear that much was dependent on my meeting her needs and acknowledging my errors nd the ways in which I can impove as a partner. I have no doubt that i have made mistakes and that owing to the growth of the past couple of months and all I've learned about BPD, that I could be a better husband going forwrd. But of course, thee can be no future if she remains unwilling to acknowledge that she has real problems that require assessment and treatment. If we were to reconicle without that occurring, i woud only be signing up to find myself back in this sutiaotn within a few years, after having endured more rages. Still, we were talking and she no longer had me painted black.

That brings me to the last couple of days. Throughout this episode, my wife has insisted that her ex has not pressured herr for sex or for a relationsip. Yet, its been easy for any rational observer to see that this is very unlikely. A man doesn't spend thousands of dollars to move a married woman away from her husband, move her into his house, and promise to get her the job she's always wanted, unless he wants something from her. It's also been clear that there's a reason that my phone calls with her always occur during work hours. Never in the evening and never on weekends. Either he's prohbited her from talking to me or she's afraid of what he might do if she spoke with me while he was home. In any case, i've chosen not to push too hard on asking her about it because it would only serve to make her defensive. But what had become clear was that the job she was so sure that she would have soon wasn't coming through quickly. Agian, anyone who knew the story of her running away to him three years ago would have predicted that this is what would happen. He lured her to Oklahoma three years go with a promise of a job and didn't come throught and there's been no rational reason to think that this episode would be any different. After all, he wants her obligated to him and dependent on him. If she actually got a job, she'd have a measure of independence.

Well, as the date for our seeing each other grew closer, now within 48 hours, the pressure began to mount and the truth began leaking out. First she admitted that her ex has wanted a relationship with her, but she wanted me to know that she has steadfastly refused and been very forthright that she's not interested. Then yesterday, in light of the fact that our conversations had begun to include first the possiblity of being intmate during our visit and that this had become nearly assumed because we had made plans to spend part of the visit on our own as toursits staying in a hotel rather than in MF's home, the nearly inevitable admission took place. She admitted tht she had had sex with her ex once and that it was his hope that she would have been sharing his bed by now. Her tone and her words took on a different cast entirely. She was apologetic, full of regret, very down on herself, and clearly expecting me to be angry and likely withdrraw from our plans. Since this whol episode began, this was the most clear articulation of her low self esteem, fear of abandonment, and sense that she does not deserve to be loved or to be forgiven.

To my surprise, I wasn't angry. I had had a sense that he was likely to have pushed her for sex because he had done this in the past as a way of controlling her and convincing her that only he would accept her, as she had borken her vows and was, in a word, a slut. He knows exactly how to shame a women who is a survior of childhood sexual abuse. I tried to use her decision to admit the truth as an opportunity to draw a contrast between how he treats her and how I treat her. Between being manipulated and being loved. For a while, I felt I was making headway and that she was starting to see that she needs help. But after a time, she bagan shutting that door. She returned to an attitude that it was my poor behavior and poor treatment of her that led her to "have to " leave our marriage in the first place and that if I want to convince her that reconciliation is an option, it'll depend on how I treat her in the coming days when we get together. She continues to admit that she made a mistake by having sex with her ex and then in lying to me about it, which is actualy big progress, but any momentum that I had in helping her see that she needs to get away from him entirely seems to have dissapaited.

And that bring us to today. I still don't know what he ex knows. She packed and left the house today on a 90 minute drive to the closest commercial airprot for her flight to Texas. Did he know she was going? I don't know. Deos he know that I'm meeting her in Texas? I don't know. Does he know that we are staying together in a hotel? I don't know that either. Nor do I know if she's told him that we are talking about her return to the east coast and possible reconcilation. She claims that despite her refusal to again sleep with him or agree to a relationship, that he has not become abusive. I don't know that I belive that, but I do know that getting her away from him, even for five days, is an important step towards learning more of the truth.

So, having written this all out, it's approaching 4 am Eastern time. I'll be on my way to the airport by 10 am and in Texas by 3:30 pm Central time. I'm expecting that my wife will meet me at the airport or at the hotel. I'll learn which is the plan before I leave. Much depends on Mf's assessmento of my wife's mental state. Nobody wants to send her out to drive to a major metor airport in a city she doesn't know if her state of mind isn't good. Earlier today we were so concerned that we might need to find an inpatient facility in Texas. I can't stop he from returning to New Mexico if that's her plan, but I hve five days to reconnect with her, assess her stituaiton, and see if I can't find a better next step. My goal since this all began has been to get my wife away form her ex and give her a chance to get the help she needs. Things are still very uncertain, but clearly getting thise five days with her away from her ex may be a big step in teh right direction. Whether there's a future for us as a married couple remains to be seen. i hope there is, but I must protect myself. It seems very likely that I'll know much more in a matter of hours. A lot can change in hours and days. I've got fiive days I didn't expect to have. It may be that at the end of five days, I will be ready to say goodbye to the woman I've loved for most of my life or it may be that I'll bring her home with me. The most likely outcome is proabbly something in between. But one way or the other, progress is being made. Movement towards the next chapter is underway. I won't know what that chapter is about until it's written, so there's not too mch point in speculating. I'm gong to just stay focused on getting to see and hold my wife for the first time in two months and then see where that takes us.

Hi Grievinghubby,

It does seem like the less you ask of her, the more she moves toward you. Would you say that is accurate?

My sense is that if you give her an ultimatum (ie. either you leave your ex or I will _____. Or either you get treatment or I am done) she will not be able to give you what you want.

Managing your own expectations for this meeting will likely carry a lot of weight.

I hope the reunion goes well for you. Thanks for updating us. 

It's been so long since I posted, that I have no idea if anyone will read this update. Nonetheless, it's something that I should have written months ago. It astounds me that it's December and that my my most recent post was written in April. I guess living my life took up so much of my time that I didn't have time to write about it. Well, I'd like to say that's so, but I'm sure I could have made the time. Maybe I just didn't know what to say because there's no way of summarizing it in real time.

In any case, I'll lay out the highlights/lowlights for the record:

I did see my wife in April and the visit went well. Unfortunately, as very often happens when I travel by plane, after a couple of days in Texas, I got sick. Still, overall, the visit went well. She and MF picked me up at the airport. My first thought was that my wife's pallor was poor and she looked liked she'd aged. Later, my friend opined that she had the same impression. During those few days, my wife and I had many conversations and it didn't take long before the truth started spilling out. Yes, she'd been pressured for sex and had complied. Yes, the ex wanted more. Yes, she was living in fear. And, to my amazement, she asked me for help. She asked me for help not only with her current situation, but with finding out why she behaves as she does and, in short, what must she do to overcome being so broken and unhappy. For the first time in years she allowed herself to be vulnerable  and asked for help. It would seem to be simply wrong to say that I was happy about this development, so perhaps relieved is a better word. Even proud. Proud of her for taking the first step towards taking ownership of her role as tempest and the  trail of debris she's left in her wake.

With the help of MF, we quickly formulated a plan for the future. Despite our combined pleas, my wife insisted on returning to New Mexico to "clean up her mess" before coming home. She said that she had friends with whom she could stay while she retrieved her belongings and that she'd be on the road, driving east within a couple of days. She said that it would be dangerous if I accompanied her to NM, as her ex made a great show of owning multiple firearms, including one he proudly told her was untraceable. This one, I was told, he keeps in the drawer in the kitchen for ready access. She also reported that he had taken her out to the desert more than once and in the course of doing so, "casually" mentioned how someone could be killed in the desert and the body might never be found.

Looking back, you'd think that having heard these stories that I would never let her go back there alone. I don't know anymore, perhaps over the months I've started to confuse the order of events; maybe that day in April when I left to return to the east coast while she waited for her flight back to NM I didn't yet know all those facts. Either way, what I do know is that every fiber in my being was telling me not to let her go by herself or to somehow just get her on the plane with me to the east coast. But I wanted to show that I had confidence in her, that I believed that she had had a real epiphany, and that as an adult it was her right to return to NM, say her piece, and leave. But in my heart, I knew that it was a huge risk and likely a mistake. But short of trying to have her declared incompetent or using some similar legal declaration, there wasn't much I could do.

Predictably, she returned to NM, events transpired, and she stayed. I could go through the specific events, but I'm not sure it would matter. She seemed like she really was intending to head home. But, her car needed to be checked over before making the trip and she overestimated her ability to get into town, get her stuff, and get out smoothly. The first night, she stayed in a local motel and allegedly after that stayed with a local friend. I say allegedly because I later came to learn that she returned to the ex's trailer (yes, it was a trailer, not a house as she'd previously described), even as she continued to claim that she was staying with a friend who was about to have a baby and could use my wife's help. So, the quick return east became an eventual return east and that morphed into a decision to stay in NM because the cost of living is so much less and she could work an hourly wage job and attend the local branch of the U of NM. Of course, eventually, she admitted that she was back at the ex's, but by that time it was clear that the opportunity to get her home was already lost.

The following weeks were filled with remorse and guilt. I knew that letting her go back alone was a mistake, but I'd done it anyway. But slowly I again came to realize that I was trying to take responsibility for her life. Slowly I again found my equilibrium and was forced to simply accept that these are her decisions and short of risking my job (and my life perhaps) by going down to NM to retrieve her, there was nothing I could do. Except, if I chose, to keep the lines of communication open.

We still had the plan for the May graduation trip and I held onto hope that perhaps it would still occur. In the intervening weeks, it seemed that she became more aware of just how precarious a situation she was in. More detail was revealed about just how totally her ex was dominating her life. He had been and was again doing all he could to make her his maid, cook, and whore. For a while she insisted that she had said that she would return east just to get me to allow her to leave. But as time when on and details were revealed, it became clear that she was simply scared out of her mind and feeling completely trapped. There was, at least at that point, no sign of the promised job and the ex, knowing that she had seen me in TX, was all the more angry and threatening.

To my surprise, however, he did not intervene to keep her from going home to her kids for the graduation in May. He threatened, but did not physically restrain her. As I promised, flew west to attend the graduation. I stayed with my mother for a bit, while my wife stayed with her kids. But eventually, we moved to a hotel. Looking back now, I can't recall when the decision was made that she would return east with me. Maybe it was before she left NM or maybe it was while we were together. My recollection is that she insisted that she was going back to NM, but it seemed to me that as much as she said that was her intent, her actions suggested that she wanted me to "convince" her to come home. In the end, that's what occurred. After we spent the few days together for the graduation, we flew back east together.

I did not bring her back into my life blindly or unconditionally, however. We agreed that if she returned that she would have no contact with the ex, that she would enter therapy, and that if she failed to make a good faith effort in therapy or if she ended it before the therapist released her, that she would be required to leave. We agreed that she would not worry about finding a job for at least a while, so that she could focus on her health and forming a realistic plan for her future. I told her that even if she did these things that there was no guarantee that our marriage would continue. I made it clear that my goal was to give her the opportunity to get help and get healthy. Once that was achieved, or as much of it was achieved as possible, we could decide whether there was a future for us as a couple. I had become so keenly aware of the damage done to my psyche and to our relationship, and, oddly, how much healthier I had begun to live while she was gone, that for once I had the strength to stand up for my own needs, even as I tried to keep my commitment to her as her husband to stand by her while she faced her illness.

So, she's been back since June. To her credit, once we identified the best possible therapist options in our area, she made some calls and began weekly DBT sessions and a weekly skills class with other BPD women. To date, she's missed very few sessions and seems to be doing all the homework assigned. She has accepted that she has BPD and has, not surprisingly, done a lot to educate herself about the illness. When she first returned, she was pretty fragile and I was afraid to leave her alone. She was also very grateful and contrite. As she went through the therapy and did the work, she was able to articulate memories of her childhood and how they affected her. She began to look at her behavior in relationships, particularly ours, and was as self-reflective as I've ever known her to be.

I wish I could say that this was the start of a "happily ever after" ending. But this is no child's story or fairy tale. The truth, as I imagine many of you know from personal experience, is that even effective therapy is no cure. My wife has BPD. She will always have BPD. While she has developed skills to recognize her emotional state more readily and has found a greater level of stability, she still has BPD. As the summer and fall played out, we've tried to deal with our issues as a couple. Due to financial constraints, I was unable to pay for her care and continue my own therapy, but I worked with my therapist long enough to at least begin to examine how our relationship affects me and what role my wife plays in my own mental health. I've been able to examine just how much I've been damaged by my wife over the years and I've learned that while it's possible to forgive, forgiveness does not equate to repaired trust.

So, as I write this in the wee hours of December 12, I do so with the conviction that too much damage has been done, too much pain, too many lies, too many breaches have occurred over the years; to be healthy I need to move on. It's not an easy thing to tell someone who is working hard to find a new way to live and a new understanding of herself that no matter how hard she works or how much progress she makes, this marriage has to end. But that's what I've had to tell her. At times, she agrees and professes that the better she knows herself, the more she realizes that we aren't well suited to be together. She acknowledges that she does better on her own, without the entanglements of a relationship and all the demands that come with having a partner. Yet, quite often, she seems to forget all of that and behave as if we're a happy, loving couple with a bright future. it's truly confusing.

As things stand now, she talks of returning to the midwest to be near her kids and extended family. She talks about returning to some elements of her previous professional life. Gone are plans for retraining for a new career that is better suited to her emotional abilities and needs. She's back to wanting to go back to her old career, now with the conviction that the skills she's gained will allow her to be successful. I can't pretend that I think she's likely to succeed. Neither does MF. Sadly, although she's more stable than in the past, many of her struggles remain and it seems likely that if she returns to previous roles and settings that she'll have the same old struggles. Who knows? Maybe I'm underestimating her growth and overestimating the poor fit between her emotional needs and abilities and the plans she's making. I hope so. I hope that she's on course for great success and happiness.

Sometimes the thought of her leaving fills me with sadness. Sometimes I want to cling to her. But mostly, despite some fear, I want to get started on the rest of my life. I've fulfilled my marriage vows; I got her out of the bad situation, I gave her the opportunity to get help. and I continue to support her financially as best I can. But it's about time to move on. As I told her recently, I deserve to live free from random verbal attacks. I deserve to rebuild my relationships with my children who feel estranged by her presence because they cannot not and will not trust her again. Most of all, I deserve the opportunity to go out and meet people and, if I'm lucky, meet someone with whom I want to build a relationship free form the baggage that comes with years of lies, attacks, accusations, and breaches of trust. I deserve the chance to start fresh. And, as I've made the case to her, so does she. If she wishes to be involved in a serious relationship, she deserves to do it with someone who isn't scarred from all the damage that's been done before she was diagnosed and treated. She deserves someone who can decide do novo whether to trust her and if he does so, will do it without all the crap that comes from having been burnt by trusting her in the past and having that trust blown to bits. Honestly, I think she'd be better off forgoing a serious relationship for now, maybe for the rest of her life. it'll never be easy for her and given that she's never lived alone in her adult life, I think she needs to experience that first before contemplating coupling. But that'll be up to her. I can't be responsible for her anymore. I have to be responsible for me and finally to do so without the constant worry about what she'll do or say next that hurts me or someone I love. I think this freedom that we can give each other may be the greatest gift either of us can offer the other. We'll see. We've talked about it, but so far not much has changed. There are realities that much be addressed, such as where will she live and how will she continue her therapy wherever she goes. But, whether it takes weeks or months, the day must come when we move on.

Some might say that I wasted a lot of time and effort (and money) into getting to this point where I wish to do that which I could have done months ago; walk away. But I think that misses an important point. I'm ready now to get on with the rest of my life knowing that I fulfilled my promise to my wife and to myself. I've lived within my integrity and have not abandoned her. I have nothing for which I need to feel guilty, least of all, deciding that it's time to care for myself as much as I've cared for her.

Hey! I've wondered about you, and am glad you came back to let us know how you are doing.  :)

What a moving, heartfelt story. It says a lot about the capacity you have for loving someone, including yourself -- it is no easy thing to decide that loving someone else can conflict with loving yourself, and you took such care making that choice.

Sometimes, the same people who hurt us, also rescue us, though not in a happily ever after way.

I don't have the same story as you do, though my path through recovery in some ways parallel yours. It led me right into the loving arms of a wonderful man and the relationship I never imagined I could have fell into place so effortlessly it felt like fate.

I hope for the same for you.

 

LnL