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This isn't an issue with uBPD mom, per se.

A year ago, then D2 told me as I saw her red genitals, "Uncle 17 touched my butt!" I did mt know what to make of it. I spent time with him, and didn't see anything amiss. Just as she turned 3 last April, she was red, and I applied diaper cream. She said it again. S then 5 confirmed it, though he later changed his story and said that she was lying. I put a call into my T, a mandatory reporter. He told me that I had to report, or that he had to. I called the cops. Much drama ensued. The Ex's family hated me, and were mad at her for "siding" with me. It was a bad summer, but we kept our kids safe.

Being a girl, she has periodic issues with her privates. Her mom and I gleaned that some of it resulted in rritation from she touching herself. Her mom was more into feeding the anxiety. I tried to say, "stop asking her if someone touched her. We're doing we'll, enough tell g her that no one is to touch her except Mommy, Daddy, or the doctor.

Around August, she said it in the tub. I asked her to show me how. She did, little doubt, poking her genitals. Her mom and I were on board about trying to not ask her, but to let this fade into childhood memories. It's been ok for the past few months.

Her mom told me yesterday that she was irritated down there. She asked her if she had been touching herself (she does this), and our daughter again replied, "Uncle 17 touched me!" My ex did a good job validating her, "yes that happened, and he shouldn't have done that."

She's safe, and we want her to leave this in the past, but almost a year later, it's concerning that she still remembers it. If we keep validating, only every few months, are we implanting trauma? 

Turkish,

Sorry you and D3 are facing such issues.  Quite upsetting.

Refraining from explicitly asking if someone has been touching her seems wise to me.  Of course you do not want to plant ideas in her head with the questions.  Also, you want to be convinced that if someone did touch her, that you did not supply her with the idea, but it can be clear she was able to communicate a truth, or else you may otherwise think she agreed with a supplied idea vs having just expressed her own. 

She also is likely sensitive to mom's emotions and can sense when mom asks this that mom is likely experiencing some form of stress/anxiety.  D3 may come to associate anxiety with her privates vs confident and comfortable feelings.  (I realize from previous posts about toilet wiping mom appears preoccupied with kids genitals, certainly kids feel this experience with mom)

Is she being told to not touch herself to not cause irritation or pain?  I wonder if it is wise to teach her 'gentle touch' vs 'no touch.'  (I realize, you did not mention... .just saying in case it may sound helpful to you to teach positive touch vs a shame/fear response)

So, what does your gut tell you is happening here Turkish?

... .

I wonder if the way you validate helps... .

I realize she is so young, however, would it be helpful to discuss (or ask one simple question) how D3 is feeling and thinking and processing it vs supplying to her that 'he shouldn't have done that?'

(I almost feel if I were abused, someone telling me that my abuser was wrong would make me frustrated to feel ignored... .and frustrated that HE got a presence while ME was ignored.  I would want my hurt, my feeling recognized somehow and a voice heard.)

You know, through all of this, I think we both missed the validation  :thought:

Feel like an idiot. I can see what you are saying.

I had to tell my Ex to stop asking leading questions, and she did. Our D originally told me first, not her mom. However, this whole ordeal triggered her mom's anxiety and fears.

When I was investigating a world I never wanted to, but had to, I came across a book by a Psych whose thesis was that the way caregivers, therapists, and the system reacted to early childhood sexual abuse likely caused more trauma than the initial incident. I could see this point. For example, when our home was broken into twice two years ago, the second time a month before my Ex left, we took it in stride. They busted out two windows the second time and made a big mess. I sent my Ex and the kids to stay at her parents' house that night, after taping plastic over the shattered patio window. I slept on the hide-a-bed in the living room with My Little Friend next to me.

I told then S3 almost 4 that the bad people stole our tablets. We didn't take the kids into the house to see the mess, nor when the cops were interviewing us, though they were in her car when they arrived.

This is juxtaposed with friends of a friend who experienced something similar. They were so shaken and for months would talk about how their 5 year old daughter was so scared about the burglary. Her parents transferred their fears onto their daughter. Over a year later, she's still scared. To this day, S6 occasionally mentions "the bad people who took our tablets," and says he wants to be a policeman. "Why, buddy?" "So I can shoot the bad people." Ok, I have some work to do in this regard correcting him.