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Last few weeks were OK, I still think of her every single day, many times during each day but I managed to rationalize this situation and realized what is best for me.

This weekend I decided to stay at home, didn't make any plans with my friends or family (now I think this was a mistake), and decided to work on my side project.

Well, I didn't do a thing related to my side project. I spent the whole day reading about BPD relationships, thinking of her and our relationship.

When I felt totally down, I started reading Shari Schreiber materials (I know, people here don't like her, and I agree that she is kind of an idiot).

By the end of the day, I felt terrible, I just went outside and started walking. Here, where I am, is late evening, so I just put my earplugs and walked couple of hours to clear my mind. Of course, I passed by her building and noticed that her car isn't there, lights are off (am I a stalker now? :) ). I started thinking where she is, how come she is out, she always talked how she doesn't like to go out late, bla bla - you get the point - I started to torture myself.

I walked again for 30-45 minutes and went home. On the way home I actually started crying. Not just because of her, but I was also thinking about my therapy sessions and FOO issues that we are discussing now (I think this was even bigger trigger than my previous relationship).  So... .Total collapse... .

The most ridiculous thing is that I ended this relationship. I even took some time off to think over this. And I decided to end it. She wanted me to reconsider, told me that I broke her by doing this but I did it anyway. And now I am feeling this. How is this possible? What would happen if she left me?

She is diagnosed BPD but I don't think she fully accepts this diagnose. I mean, she told me about BPD (and now I am grateful for this, because knowing this helped me a lot, I would go insane trying to rationalize all the 'BPD' things) but said that she doesn't see a lot of traits in her behavior. Not sure if she really meant this or just was to scared to admit it (we were only 4 months together). But when I read all the horror stories here on this board, I must admit I didn't go through something like that. Actually, even my therapist said that I got scared because I knew about BPD and its symptoms and when I recognized that behavior I ran for my life.

But I ran with my mind, not with my heart.

And this is my biggest doubt now... .I know that she is in therapy. I know that she is trying and I feel that I left too soon because I was too scared (thanks Shari). But again, I could also try again but large portion of me still believes that it wouldn't succeed. But why do I feel this way then? This is so messed up... .


 

Grieving.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  It's ok to wonder all the things you are wondering, especially since you were the one that put a stop to the cycle.  Yes, I call it a cycle simply because that's what it is.  Yes, she was a person and there were times you were to her too.  But, her 'love' for you was unhealthy and you noticed that early enough to put a stop to it.  Some people on this board go through years and years of hell trying to make it work.  :)on't believe that?  Go over to the staying board and see what a lot of them have to deal with just to have some semblance of a life with their SO.

If you think she is experiencing this breakup and aftermath like you, think again.  I don't mean that in a mean way.  I mean it in the way of reality.  She had, on some level, expected you to leave... .they are masters of self prophecy.  They will sabatoge a r/s just to have that prophecy fulfilled.  Rather than feel the feelings, she probably boxed it up and moved on.  Once again, I don't say this to be mean.  I say it because I've been there.  My ex told me after our end "I don't know why I feel better.  I did a lot of bad stuff to you over the past year and I should feel horrible for it. But I can't dwell on that."  Yep, those were her words to me.  Two weeks had passed from our last conversation and I was being torn apart every day I didn't talk to her.  I was pining for her.  I missed her.  And that was the response I got from her when I broke down and talked to her.  She said it so nonchalantly.  The last conversation I had with her, I declined her offer to be my friend (after I had been toyed with all the while she had a bf - who she started seeing when we were at the tail end of limbo).  Btw, she never told me about her new bf, I found out through someone else. No, she led me to believe she was focusing on DBT, was sitting at home missing me, and processing things.  Maybe some of that was true, but there were a lot of other things left out.

It's ok to break down and grieve.  You've lost someone who was important to you.  She was special to you.  Please don't doubt yourself.  You did the right thing.  You matter.  How you feel, matters.  You left for a reason.  If I had had the benefit of hindsight, I would've never gotten involved with her again.  But, I didn't.  Be glad you're strong.

Keep your chin up!  It gets better.