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Omg I need to find the strength to leave.  I have the worst feeling inside my body that I really can't explain. Yesterday I was at a store and by mistake left cell phone in car.  he showed up at store. At first I was confused but then he asked me where my phone was and I could find it I knew he was checking up on me.  There is no trust with either of us.  He was fine after he saw me and was saying he was worried.  I'm not stupid he doesn't trust me. 

This morning for no reason we got into an argument. I am losing it.  I can no longer control myself and I think that's the point . He pushes and pushes until I lash out.  It's so not a healthy situation.   I try to remove myself but he doesn't understand boundaries. He won't stop.  I am going away alone soon and looking forward to me time.  I just don't think I can do this anymore. 

I feel like a broken record I say this ALL the time that I need to leave.  I feel beaten and lost.  I am in such a FOG and I don't know how to get out of it.  I have Counselin this week.   But I think I need to find a local support group.  I don't even know if there are any. 

I know I have the answers to what I need to do and I know if I was to hear someone telling me  my story I would tell them to leave. 

Sorry for babbling.  I don't even know if I am making any sense. 

Hi :) This is alredy very good, you did step to tell us how you feel. It is gets easier and easier as you will talk about situation.

may be try to right the plan how to act and what do you really want. And stick with it.

May be from 1st try it will not work but may be with 2 it will.

How did he know in which store you were? this is interesting how fast he found you.

I told him what store I was going too.  What would of happened if I went to a different store first.  I mean to drive by and see my car is one thing but to come in looking for me freaks me out and scares me.  .

It makes me think what other levels would he take things too

I will try to write out a plan.  I think having alone time to clear my head will be good too. 

Thing is taking a toll on me. 

RR4U,

Your gut is telling you something. It sounds like you don't feel that you are safe. Maybe this can help you in planning:

Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

Have you made others in your life aware, people you can trust? Feeling isolated is tough, but it doesn't have to be that way. Who can you reach out to for support?

T.

I know how you feel, my ex use to stalk me all the time when we were married. But then it got to the point that even if he saw my car where I said I would be, he would insist that it wasn't there just to start a fight. The scariest thing was that he honestly believed himself and his own delusions.

That was when I started getting really scared and didn't feel safe anymore. I started going to free counseling at our local women's abuse shelter. They helped me get away from him and get divorced.

You are making sense and That is what personality disordered people do, they push and push and push until we break. I have lots of experience with this as every man in my life has done this: father, brother, ex, partner.

You have to be really clear within yourself why you want this relationship and as you are on the deciding board you are not.

Have you weighed about the pros and cons of staying and not staying?

Hey RR4U, This is quite familiar behavior for me.  My BPDxW was a bully who would poke, prod and taunt until she got an angry reaction from me, then she would blame me for getting angry with her.  It was a crazy, no-win situation.  She had no respect for my boundaries, so it required a lot of effort to keep my issues separate from hers.

LuckyJim