BPDFamily.com

I haven't been here in a while.  In December we had a baby.  Shes two months old now.  I am doing okay but had a rough time after the baby was born.  Had problems with epidural, incision opening, mrsa infection, antibiotics... It is hard to deal with my complications on there own.  But throw him into the mix and it can be hell. 

He has been trying, to prove that he is what I want I guess.  But he always pops through, the real him.  He takes back any bit of trust in a possible real change.  I feel resentment that I can't just enjoy my children.  That I can't have control over the finances.  That I am even more trapped because I on maternity leave and have no income right now.  Trapped by having to explain over and over that we have bills, how much they are, that we have household needs, then wait and see whether he is going to freak out about it or if he's going to be cool about it.  I try to run the household on a minimal budget.  Then when he's in his "good" mood, he wants to be all about family and supporting me and my business and how he loves me so much, then as soon as something goes wrong -boom- the angry mean impatient non-listening yelling jerk who wants praise and worship for everything he does comes back.  I am just so tired.  I see the cycle, I can see it so clearly... .I feel it.  I hate it.  I am exhausted by it.  But I am so dragged down by it the thought of trying to get out is so scary and daunting, just thinking about it is overwhelming.  Sorry for the rant.  It really didn't have a topic.  Just feeling overly stressed and needed to get it out.  Thank you for reading and listening :-)