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How much does T typically cost? And how do you find a good counselor? What should we look for?

This would be for SD11. She has attention issues in school that are impairing her learning. She also has trouble regulating her emotions (both at school and at home). Plus I think just having someone to talk to would be a load off of her.

Maybe DH and I would get one for us as well, to discuss parenting issues and BPDmom issues.

Problems: first of all... .we're broke... .we spent insane amounts to the L and CE already and we don't even have a final order yet (3.5 years in). Plus DH is leaving his job to be a full-time stay at home dad/student so we're rockin life on one income.

Another is BPDmom... .she claims that SD doesn't need therapy. Last time we tried to take SD to therapy none of them would meet with us unless BPDmom was on board. When we asked her in court, she agreed WE could take SD to T. Then she went behind our backs and took SD to an appointment (so SD could "complain about you to someone other than me", this was when she was heavily alienating SD against us) and didn't give us any of the information. We had to get our L to tell her to stop until we have an agreement. It was a mess. We have been waiting on the CE so we could get T court ordered but... .well, still waiting.

Sounds like you guys have a lot on your plate, this can't be easy   Massive compliment to you for looking out for your SD - sounds like you have her best interest at heart and she's lucky to have you  :)

I'm fairly certain we're on different parts of the globe, so I can't speak to cost. As for what to look for, my choice would be to pinpoint what type of person SD is most comfortable talking to in real life, and take that as a starting point. Is it easier for her to talk to men or women? Closer to her own age (as close as you can get, anyway), or perhaps a friendly grandparent type? Etc. In my opinion the most important thing is that she feels comfortable sharing, so if she's generally shy or uncomfortable around - let's say - middle aged men, a middle aged male therapist wouldn't be my first choice.

From there, it's mostly trial and error, unfortunately. Ideally, a child's therapist would be very careful and hesitant about labeling and aim for a temporary role in your life (which means they also focus on the important people that need to be engaged in the child's life, which is perhaps why you were refused in the past).

A lot of schools also have a counselor on staff, or work with certain counselors. If it hasn't come up already, perhaps this is worth exploring?

Best of luck!

I would talk to the school counselor and see what the school provides. They may also be able to give you a list of T's in the area that have been helpful for others.

Not sure your neck of the woods, but in the US it is highly dependent on the insurance you have.

The best place to look is often on your insurance website or by calling them directly. It may be as little as a copay (plus deductible).

MC is usually extra, but self help especially if involves depression is usually covered by most plans. Good luck.

That is such a good question, about how to find a good one.

If your SD is like my son, she may be impervious to behaviorist discipline, meaning she won't do as well with therapists who prescribe to reward/punishment as a way to deal with behavioral issues.

S14 grew up with a dad who punished and disciplined in capriciousness and often emotionally abusive ways, and S14's defenses are so powerful that punishments and rewards don't work.

The best T we found is someone who treated S14 as a person. Not a subject, not a child, not a bunch of problem behaviors, or a diagnosis, but a genuine, real person. I realized during parent sessions with T that he genuinely likes S14, and that is probably the most important part about therapy. To have someone who sees you as a person, who genuinely likes you.

My favorite way to find a great T is getting a referral from another therapist.  Many of them know who is great in their field and who they would take their kids to or recommend their friends take their kids to.

When looking for a therapist for SD, I asked our MC for a recommendation.  He was a great T, loved him, even unBPDbiomom loved him!  (Even tho she did still sabotage that when he refused to take a side and be brought to court for her.)

Then when looking for a replacement, went back to MC and asked for her top 3 choices.  None of them took the insurance, however, all of them were compassionate to the situation and gave an idea of who to try that maybe took the insurance.  It was nice looking this way because even though a T did not take the insurance, many did take the time to call back to ask what we were looking for.  Then who they recommended was based on... .'Well, it sounds like she needs a more gentle personable therapist vs xyz.'  While calling so many was a pain, the info they were giving regarding what they liked about the therapists and why they thought one would be a better fit over another was quite valuable.

By the way, one of the reasons, besides insurance, why it was so difficult... .

Is we choose to disclose that mom was threatening past T and sabotaged things, and while we did not want SD10 brought to court, biomom's only reason for agreeing to finding a T was to recruit someone on her side.  Therefore we needed a T with good boundaries for SD to be able to continue without T resigning from the case... or some other such issue.

(I'm in the US, usually a decent T charged $120-$140, however, some that specialize in certain areas may charge $200 per 45 min session.  Sometimes the initial visit is more, or double and sometimes the initial visit is twice the time allotted or broken up into a couple of visits.  I did encounter one that did a sliding fee of lowering the rate to as low as $60 bucks, however, that one was known as not being as great.)

You might talk with SD's Pediatrician about a reference too.

As far as the cost, my employer offers an "Employee Assistance Program" for employees and their families that offers 8 Therapist visits for free.  You and your husband might want to check with your HR departments to see if your employer offers a similar benefit.

Panda39

I am a big fan of counseling. I had been taking my kids once a week no fail. Just recently she told me I can ease out. I never ask them what they talked about and they know things they talk about there stays there and feel secure. I also contacted the school counselor and asked for counselings but found out he is not being consistent. I think he saw my children two times this school year.

In my case, I did not care for the popular family resilience center that was recommended by almost everybody in my area. After talking to them, I felt that they were not personal and burnt out. So I asked a local church ministry. My kids T is $65 for 50 minutes, no insurance coverage but she is wonderful. I scheduled the first session to get to know her and discuss my concerns w/o kids. This christian counseling is in the church/middle high private school. Even though my kids are young, T gives me some insights what I might encounter with kids as they grow older since she mostly works with secondary students. It shows she genuinely likes my children.

My Bpdxh did not agree with counseling either saying J6 was better than ever. After multiple emails and Ls letters, he finally gave me yes saying insurance will cover everything. I informed him he is welcome to contact her to talk but he never did, never responded to the his share of the billing so I pay. I wish you a good luck and yes your SD is lucky to have u who cares for her.

The EAP that Panda39 mentions is a good idea. I have Kaiser HMO, but they shunt you into group therapy unless it is a major crisis (one reason why my Ex has made little progress over the years I think, as she has the same HMO).

I've been paying a private T $165/hr, recently increased to $185/hr. But I live in the Silicon Valley, whose cost of living is almost on par with Manhattan.

Hi, I understand how much a T can cost in western countries, and there is no way that I could afford that (not a chance).  I don't get coverage for therapy, only medical stuff (although maybe I should check that - as it is international medical insurance).

I am lucky enough that I have found someone good (well - she is good for me - although am sure there are people with more experience - very positive, open and understanding) that costs around 35GBP for 50 minutes, which is totally reasonable.  And she also came from a family that was relatively controlling (don't know much more than that - but wouldn't be surprised if there was some narcissism or BPD tendencies thrown in there), so she gets some of that stuff. Anyways, there are therapists that are more reasonable, just a question of looking out there (and going online also).

Hope you find someone good soon :) 

If attention issues are affecting her school work you could ask for an IEP. You could also see if the county has any mental health services.

I'm in the US.  :)

We are switching insurance from DH's to mine. I know that DH had the Employee Assistance Program, but not sure what the deal is with my insurance plan yet. One issue we initially ran into was that the EAP is only for a specific few Ts and we could not come to an agreement with BPDbm about how to proceed after the first few free sessions were over.

We've gone to the school. We asked the counselor to meet with SD. She was not very responsive. Right now the counselor is out on maternity leave and I'm not sure what the deal would be with her replacement. In the past I have specifically asked the old counselor for a recommendation and she just gave me the website for 211.  

Our temp CO says that both parents have joint parenting decision. Then the cost of medical expenses is split 68% (DH), 32% (uBPDbm). We have yet to receive a single reimbursement from uBPDbm though.    I know that if we start taking SD to T then uBPDbm is going to say that she doesn't need it to get out of having to pay for it. We're probably going to have to go to court to get T ordered.

Try, and get it documented that she refuses, i.e., isn't doing what's in the best interest of the child. It would probably help in court.