BPDFamily.com

I have complex PTSD from an abusive and neglectful childhood and the amount of emotional flashbacks I've been having lately has increased. I'm at the point where I'm starting to recognise some of the specific events that I'm flashing back too and why I react so strongly to so many triggers.

This is a process of deep recovery and it requires me to be very compassionate and kind to myself and take care of myself.

In these emotional flashbacks, I'm very distanced from reality and go into super defensive mode. I don't know how to react but with JADE-ing.

This sort of thing is pretty counter-intuitive to spending a lot of time with my partner, who hasn't done any therapy and has trouble regulating his emotions and often triggers that fight and flight with me.

It's hard, though, because I get so very little compassion and understanding from family and have a very limited access to support outside of it, though I'm still pursuing as many routes as I can.

So I feel kind of alone.

And so I kind of defaulted to spending time with my pwBPD, even though I'm not in the best state.

Started off with us beginning to get intimate, and he brings out a toy. And I tell him I didn't realise he had that. And that escalated quickly into a fight because he was adamant he used it on me at least once a year and that I just had terrible memory, but 'sure, kill any remaining attraction I had for you by needing be right'.

Then we found out the restaurant we wanted to go to was closed. And I wasn't sure what sort of food I wanted to eat. Again. Escalated into an argument and I'm a -bltch- because I didn't respond quickly enough about what I wanted to do and I've ruined a perfectly good day for him.

So I tell him I want burgers. So he says we should go to a place in the next town over. I go to get my wallet and as I'm walking behind his car, I drop it, so noticing that he's starting to reverse I yelled out 'wait!'. He stops, I pick up my wallet, I go to get into the car and he's yelling at me for being 'dumber than a 5-year-old and how he used to have respect for me, considered me his equal, but I just cemented how 'retarded' I am.' I try to explain to him how it was fine and he wouldn't have run me over, I was just worried about my wallet, but it's just JADE-ing and it escalates things to a point that he refuses to go out anymore.

I guess he panicked, got scared that he nearly hurt me, and so dysregulated. We go inside. He continues to yell. Accuses me of being disrespectful because I'm texting someone else meanwhile.

The reality is, I can't handle him yelling. It pulls me into a flashback and I tense up and feel like cr8p. The best course of action is to say I need some time to myself and walk away for a bit. Since I don't feel comfortable walking away (my boundaries have escaped my mind) I escape into my cell phone. It helps me get through the moment. It's not healthy. It makes him angrier and he tries to grab for my cell phone since apparently 'texting other people' is more important than listening to him. Goes on some rant about me being disrespectful and how maybe I should get burned for my actions and how I'm selfish and only think of myself.

So yeah. I tried to weather through his storm of dysregulation and of course I lost. Of course I feel retraumatized and turned myself back into a victim. I know that his words were extremely emotionally abusive and I knew in my gut that we shouldn't have gone out and postponed things to a better day. But my need for comfort and closeness and having someone take care of my emotions overrided my self-protective, self-survival instincts.

I need to take better care of my own emotional and physical health, and unfortunately experiencing rage-storm after rage-storm until I'm withered away and exhausted is what made me realise it. If my situation with my family wasn't so cr8ppy as well, I'd probably feel stronger and more capable of enacting boundaries, but I'm exhausted in all parts of my life.

Still so very co-dependent. I think I need a break from my partner and to work on my c-ptsd, spend the next few days being nurturing and compassionate to myself.

I'm just kind of frustrated with myself for regressing backwards with my skills and tools. Partially, probably because I got too comfortable with things going smoothly and the fact that when he's not dysregulating, we have much improved communication skills and I've explained my CPtSD to him with getting some validation from him.

At the same time, I'm reverting to treating my pwBPD like a kid in some ways when he's dysregulating. Caretaking his emotions at time and faking my mood.

Seems that when he feels like he has got it wrong (failed) he feels cornered and comes out fighting by projecting blame onto you.

When you 'escape" by withdrawing it triggers abandonment which fuels it.

Whatever the reason, abuse is abuse, and physically removing yourself as a boundary enforcement is really the only solid option. This you are obviously finding hard, this is normal, even the best of us default into JADE at times. You have recognized the repeating pattern, so that is a start. From there it is a matter of having a response ready and enact it at first sign before you end up feeling confused and cornered.

Your words are very wise and true. My silence and withdrawal escalate his rage more than anything.

He tried really hard in the end to make it a good night and still go out. It was so convoluted and tense that I don't think either of us made good decisions in advocating for what we need. Him obviously raging, but even retreating from each other would be so much more effective.

He was scared he almost hurt me.

Eventually we went back to that sweet spot. After the tension dies down, we get physically close to calm each other down. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands. 

He got frustrated for a moment before bed that I didn't close the door, but it just showed how exhausted all the fighting left him. So I just apologized and back to our baseline.

I need support to recover though. But that's something I do outside the relationship without him.

Thank you