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One of these days I'm going to get around to reading some of Brene Brown's actual books (she writes on shame and other familiar topics... .), but I ran across this 6-minute interview with her about the fundamental concept underneath forgiveness. It resonated with what I've had to do to forgive people, especially my pwBPD, and I think will pave the way for the process to be more coherent for me as I keep going.

www.theworkofthepeople.com/the-ultimate-act-of-love

Hi claudiaduffy,

Thanks for sharing this.  I'm sure you've heard people saying things like, "you need to forgive in order to heal", whether it's their religious belief or because they've read some self-help books... .I always felt perplexed by it, it didn't seem to reflect my genuine emotions at the time (why would I forgive someone if that's not how I'm really feeling towards them or about what happened?) so I ignored it.

I've also had people tell me in response to various life situations "you need to grieve the loss" (sometimes from therapists, with no further explanation, which for a complex and nuanced process like grief is about as useful as saying "I heard there is such a thing as a bicycle" vs. actually learning to ride one)

And yet, I have had spontaneous experiences of something I can only describe as forgiveness, but as a state, not a decision to do something or feel a certain way (e.g. when my uBPD former friend whose family is Sikh read me a prayer describing the nature of God, and I had an experience of an emotional "bird's eye view", being lifted to a different state and perspective)

And so, I've had a feeling for a while that forgiveness was the result of something rather than the cause, but didn't know what.  Brene Brown's research apparently puts a name to that.  :)

I like the idea that something needs to die in order for us to forgive.  I suspect that's the challenging part for people.  For example, traumas and losses can fly right in the face of who we thought we were, what we thought our identity was.  And for that identity (or part of one's identity) to die, that's a very uncertain place.  That lack of definition creates the space where something new can be created, but the security of the old is gone, and perhaps grieving is about learning how to relate to that void.

eeks

Thanks, claudiaduffy, for sharing and starting this thread.  I lthink it goes along perfectly, Eeks with the topic you posted about control.  That discussion moved on to acceptance and I think that acceptance can be likened to forgiveness.  Brene Brown says in the video that something mist die and be grieved to forgive.  Also, that forgiveness gives opportunity for rebirth.  As long as we hold on to old hurts and nurse grievances, we cannot begin a new thing.  Or if you are religious, and I am a Christian, God cannot begin a new thing in us.

I have chosen to accept that my life is different than I expected itto be.  It is hard to let go of old patterns.  But, letting go can be exciting because a new type of lifd can begin.