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I am really struggling to stay strong - to ignore the outbursts and tantrums.  Work is extremely busy and I can barely get him to do anything. I am doing the work of three people right now - we are short handed and we can't seem to get caught up.  He has ended our relationship and the business every day since February. 

I have lived through much worse with him - verbal abuse, rage, anger - every March is bad.  I don't know why but for as long as I have known him - March is horrible.  He doesn't verbally abuse me anymore - now he uses emotional manipulation and blackmail.  I try so hard to ignore it - I am constantly trying to not listen to his words - to not let them in.  It wears me down and his words feel real to me.  I used to be so afraid of him leaving me - leaving the business.  I am not afraid of that anymore - I am just so tired of it being thrown in my face every day.

I have always felt committed to staying.  Lately, I keep asking myself why - why am I so committed and he throws away our relationship every single day. 

When things are good - he is loving, supportive and appreciative.  He knows he is ill - he says he is committed to therapy and working on himself.  Is that why I stay - I keep asking myself why I continue to do this.  Am I afraid of abandoning him since sometimes he does try?  His self awareness has been strong at times and I guess I keep waiting for that to come back.  But even when it does come back - it always goes away. 

It feels like we settle into a nice, normal seeming routine - working and hanging out - talking and being best friends.  Then it is like it feels too normal for him and he has to create chaos.  He slips into old bad habits and I sit here and hope and wait for it for him to come back.  I need to figure out why I am doing this. 

I'm so sorry to hear what you arr going through. We Nons here have been through similar storms and it's okay to feel frustrated like you are. Are you happy in your r/s? My biggest motivation to make things work is my D5 and so understanding myself first was the first step. Accepting that he'll change might be nit a practical goal... .The hardest part for me was accepting that he is sick & he is NOT going to change. Then I could move onto the next phase & ask myself if I give this my best shot, will I be happier? Read the lessons here... .Some I had to read twice to make sense off & start practicing! Hang in therr and recheck your expectations from him