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Hello everyone.

Im struggling to come to terms with that the r/s is over... .For good this time And it's hard to process. Especially since me and my probably exp-BPDgf (or atleast some traits to it) work together and see eachother every other day. It's soon been a month since the final break up, and im trying to keep LC, as we work together and have to have some sort of communication. Keyword here is TRYING to keep LC. She have cornered me a few times and called me in the middle of the night and so on, which I have responded, which is not very good for me.

Anyway, yesterday we worked together and we got of at the same time, and she followed me around as she usually does when we work together, trying to chat with me and so forth. She asked me if I wanted to take a walk in the lovely weather. When I said that no, that's not a good idea. Hell broke loose and we winded up in a tense discussion about everything, that im stupid for letting her go, and that "love will prevail", since we love eachother so much etc. She also said some thing that really stuck with me. That she were never really that bad and that im overreacting about everything, that im making a huge mistake letting her go. That the night of the break up all was a big overreaction from me. Codependent as I am this is really taking my brain for a spin.

Therefore I will write out the events of the night when I finally got fed up with everything. It would be good for me knowing what you would've done in this situation, and what a healthy person should do. Needless to say there's been a whole lot of push-pull behaivior this year and a half. Some good times, some bad times.

I had the evening shift at work, she came in late at night taking over from me. As soon as she arrived I sensed that she was moody, that something was off. I tried shrugging it of, since "this is the way she is". Also I was in a really good mood before she came, I was having 4 days of work and was looking forward to just relaxing. When I was leaving I asked her if she wanted to come to me after work in the morning, crawl down into my bed, like she always does. She said "no.". I instantly got this twisting feeling in my gut, "here we go again". "Why not?" I asked. "Im feeling angry and depressed.". I just said ok. and left.

I probably should have contained myself from pursuing this any further, but I just couldn't help myself so I texted her. And the conversation went something like this:

Me: "I can tell something is wrong, can you please tell me what it is?"

Her: "I feel like a failure and that im being fake towards you"

Me: "What do you mean"?

Her: "Because I never feel content, and feel like I should want to show you to my friends and family, but I don't really feel like I want to do that. I want to isolate my professional life from my personal life, and I don't know how to handle it. I feel moody and angry all the time. Im really a happy girl, but it feels like I have to force her out."

Me: "Ok, if that's how you feel... ."

Her: "Sometimes, like now, I feel like I just want to shut myself in with my cats and live my own life."

Me: "I see."

Her: Im panicking from all my thoughts."

Me: "Well, I can't really comfort you for this. Being in a relationship with me is not forced upon you."

Her: No. I don't need any comfort. I don't want to be this way. Also, im not really feeling relaxed with you anymore, it doesn't feel like I can tell you things I used to anymore. Can't deal with it."

Me: "No one is forcing you to "deal with it". Do whatever you want."

Her: "Yes... ."

Me: "So you're actually considiring it?"

Her: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Break up with me etc?".

Her: "Oh.".

Me: "Well?"

Her: "I feel so unstable."

Me: "Well, a week ago you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, and now you're considiring dumping me?"

Her: "Im considiring isolating myself, except from friends and family. Don't want to get to know new people. Im sick of myself, sick of my thoughts. It feels like im going to die soon also, im panicking and stressed about the things "I should do". I have no more dreams. Im feeling apathetic, im just finding joy in shopping and buying things."

Me: "Alright I get it, you're not happy."

Her: "Im lost, im not unhappy."

Me: "Citing X a month ago "I love you so much, you're everything to me, I realized what I had when I lost you, I will do everything for you". Have those feelings changed now?

Her: "I hope not... ."

Me: "If you even have to think about it, doesn't that say it all?"

Her: "I suppose so. Im so scared. I wanna go home and feel sorry for myself."

At this point I was feeling so upset. I was back where I were a few weeks before this. I just wanted her so badly at this point but also felt that, "how is this EVER going to change? Do I want to LIVE in this kind of relationship?" I kinda decided there and then that I HAD to end it. I kept to myself a couple of days before I told her that it's over.

What do you think, is THIS an overreaction from my part?

PS. It feels so good writing this stuff out... .

i can play monday morning quarterback here, but breakups arent always neat and tidy. the important thing is whether what she says is your truth or not. are you having doubts about breaking up with her?

I am having doubts, yes, but I've had doubts like this before and then jumped into it again, and things turned out to be the same. I just can't keep doing it, it's not healthy. Expecting things to be different? Why would they?

you say "jumped into" - are things different on your end?

Last time I agreed we should see eachother again i decided that I would be the focus for ME. I really tried to not really care about her outbursts and that I would do thing that made me happy, and not doing stuff just to make her happy. But since that meant less attention for her, I think that led to things falling apart more quickly.

And now? I dont know... Realizing im over sensitive?

I don't know if you have spent much time on the other boards here.

The staying board, for example, can help you with how to respond to the kinds of things she was saying when you had the breakup.

For BPD, feelings are often very intense and transient. A lot of times if you validate their feelings ( hear them and respond in a calm way) the BPD person will feel reassured and the storm will pass.

I see a ton of times you could have validated her. She sounds to me like she could have used some time to herself without feeling she was being dumped.

She didn't want to come over that night. She needed space. Everyone needs space.

If you have not been over on the staying board, and you think you might consider trying again with her, I would hop over there, read the lessons and ask for a bit of help with validation, SET, and so on.

This is my take for what it's worth. I think you handled it perfectly in the text exchange a month ago first of all. That must have been very upsetting to hear but you handled it calmly and you validated her. Second of all I think she's trying to make you feel guilty period and 3rd and I speak from experience on this one but I'll skip the story for now I think she can't stand that you broke up and she wants to get back just to do it to you.

Not the worst breakup I've seen and she's at least telling you something about how she feels which is a hell of a lot more than I could get. It comes down to what you can handle she doesn't sound horrible.

If you feel that you overreacted or we're too sensitive you could always make a deal with her and see if she'll follow through like you guys go and talk to someone but that's completely up to you. If she is serious she follows through but I wouldn't keep going through this over and over again if nothing changes and believe me I at times really would like to see my ex and I work through whatever happened at the end of I thought it was completely ridiculous and unnecessary

Wishing the best for you bud

Hey Krax. Reading you message exchange reminded me of my relationship with my ex. To me,  it is clear that your responses are based on a background. They kind of show that you have been there before and you were aware of what was going to follow. They may seem over sensitive but I totally understand it's for a reason. I am sure you wouldn't have responded in this way if that was the first time a gf of yours of a healthy relationship was just being honest about how she feels and the concerns she has.

It really reminded me of my ex. He broke up with me three times  and distanced himself many more during the relationship. Before each break up or distancing, there would be a period of confusion for him, of negativity, where everything seemed hard and difficult. Sometimes he would be concerned about what we had but others he would say it had nothing to do with me. Towards the end though, I kind of knew what would follow these kinds of talks. So I was getting stressed up and over sensitive. Sometimes the discussion would end with a break up and some others he would say why are you over reacting I am not talking about breaking up. But then he would proceed to break up or dissappear a few days later. Is this the case with you too? Maybe you decided to break it up because based on history you probably knew where that was going?

Yes, of course everyone need space, and I regret how I handled the situation, but still, I did it for a reason. We had not seen eachother for quite a few days, and it felt like everything was alright, but then everything was shot down and I couldnt contain myself... .Bad on my behalf.

I know I just could've waited for the storm to pass. But is this really how a healthy relationship works? Do I want this?


Exactly, a month out and the initial feelings have settled I feel a bit ashamed about my reactions. But I know how I felt at the moment. And a few days prior to this she was distancing herself, and surely, distancing would follow aswell. Which is why I made the decision to break it of. I Dont think she'd break up with me, but the pattern would surely repeat itself. Is that what you would want in a relationship?

it may have led to things falling apart more quickly - that doesnt mean it was the wrong decision. like i said, breakups arent always neat and tidy. its easy, in such circumstances, to say "i could have handled that better" which is a good lesson going forward, but the incident is in the past, and frankly, from what i read, you sound pretty confident in your decision, and thats a good sign.


that is your truth. its a valid reason for a breakup. hang on to it.


so shes obviously having some trouble letting go, to the point of harassing you at work and in the middle of the night. have you thought about how you might enforce boundaries and give yourself some space?

I obviously missed something and reading your post the first time. Just reading that last thing about distancing really hit home. As I sit here wishing that it was a just a Sunday morning with her and I and I'm very sad I flashed back to the first month-and-a-half together. And almost on cue about once a week I vividly remember her going cold on me. For example she had spent the night over which was frequent and we would both be getting ready in the bathroom and she opened up a shower curtain after her shower and she look completely different like she didn't like me anymore. And it was just so painful because everything seemed to be going so well and she would say something when I asked her what was wrong like she wasn't sure she had those feelings for me. And I would look at her and I would say Aubrey it's fine we are just starting to get to know each other and we get along well and we have fun. And she kept wanting those feelings and we would debate over this infatuation thing. She wanted to feel all the stuff in the beginning and I put her off of that and said that is not real love. Even her best friend tried to tell her who is married with two small children and she said I don't believe in that stuff and they've been best friends since she was 13 and actually she's about her only friend.

I be at work and I get a similar text that she thinks we should break up because she's just not feeling it. And rather than see the signs I chose to keep going. If I agreed with her feelings then she would change her mind. If I told her about her feelings would come later potentially she would stay. In the end she told me that she just didn't love me anymore and that she was so she was so sure that she was in love before with this guy years ago. This was a guy that was married and she pined over him for 7 months. Apparently it never even was sexual according to her but she said she just knew that she loved him. She left me for a Feeling.

She said that she chased after him stalking him on Facebook for seven years after this. I told her the reason that you felt this way is because he was never available to you and you never had to deal with him just being yours. She also then dated or fell in love with an Engaged guy.

So long story short when I heard you say that yes please please do not switch boards because if I could go back and not have fallen so in love with her I would take it away because I spent the better part 3 months still crying about her.

Eventually she stopped the distance thing for a while and stop trying to run away but as soon as she moved in I think it was over she only lived here 2 months and I spent an entire month packing her stuff up every day and moving her in I'm planning this life. And I still cannot wrap my head around why she's not here and doesn't want to talk to me. She wanted a way out so she found it.

This was a huge red flag so I don't know if my story reaffirms your position but if you genuinely has your feelings subside please learn from my mistake because I can't stop this pain every day of missing her no matter what I do. And  I must of had 8 different opportunities in the first two months to leave. I mean she kept telling me over and over again but I just assumed she'd eventually want what I wanted. I projected my feelings and what I thought a woman would want on to her. Sadly nowadays I'm finding a lot of women just don't want this.

It's all about the attention and the adventure and the sex and I used to think it was just us that were so bad about the sex thing but it's not. So I would proceed cautiously at work and stay away from her if you are not completely detached. Because this pain I go through everyday was avoidable and what you described really triggered some feelings that I had forgotten about. She broke up with me one night about a month in and I decided instead of giving up I would fight for her as she went out to meet up that same day. I'm sitting there thinking why would you rather be with strangers then have me come over and us go do something. And I talked to a friend and I was going to just let her go and I was warned and i vividly remember being warned two different girls that I need to walk away right then. But I texted her or called her and she said fine come over after the meet up. Initially she didn't want anything to do with me once I came over and lay down in her bed next to her. That included sex. By the next morning she either wanted or allowed sex and I had got myself back into the situation thinking again that everything will be fine.

The long Long Point is obvious. Once this is known about someone you're dating it's pretty much a death sentence for the relationship. If you're in it for the Long Haul. You can dance around with this girl but she's never gonna be what you want her to be. And I just don't want to see you get hurt not like I have been.

Actually, this is really hard. Some part of me want to go all NC with her, blocking her number, from all social media etc. Just waving hello at work and talk about work related stuff, but that's it. But I don't know how this would end up... .Either she will be deeply offended and ignore me completely, or she will be even more harassing at work, which is something i'd really like to avoid. It's hard to tell what her reaction would be like.

One thing I could do is being cold and boring... .Being dull in my responses, not initiating contact (which im currently not), and just walk away or say "I don't want to talk about this anymore" when she gets started.


Thank you so much for your response!

There's so much similarity between our ex's. When you're saying that she was like "I don't know how I feel. I want to feel like I did in the beginning." etc, I really know what you're talking about. I want to realize that the r/s is sentenced to death, no matter what I do. So why go back? To buy time with her? To start this cycle all over again? Of course I've made mistakes, I've overreacted and so forth. But I should just take this wisdom with me into my next relationship instead of trying to apply it to an already doomed dysfunctional relationship.

When me and my ex met she was still together with her old boyfriend which she had been with for 4 years, and lived together with. A person with healthy relationship-goals would just turn around and not look back. But I didn't, she was "unhappy", and I just had to save her from this failing r/s. This was the start of push-pull between her not deciding wether she should stay with him or leave him for me, to add to this - her boyfriend even knew about me, this went on for ~6 months until I finally had enough. This is where she left him for me, I thought that this would finally be over, but I was wrong, it continued even when it was "us". Aside from that she was keeping her ex on a leash now instead of me (which I knew nothing about).

The following months were really awesome tho, the idiolizing, the great sex, us against the world etc. Classic. However, since the start she was so afraid of that those feelings would dissapear, that she would fall out of love with me. I, just like you, tried comforting her, saying stuff like "this is where we're getting to know eachother, there should be no pressure", however, these words really made me feel uneasy.

Many months before this, me and my friend had a 4-week long trip planned on the other side of the globe. This was something she encouraged initially, "this is good, this will give me time to think things throught". What things? The day when I left I instantly felt that something was off, I was getting this cold vibe from her, it was like she didn't care we were not going to see eachother for a month. I felt like I was about to burst into tears, but tried to keep myself together. The first 2 weeks of the trip was a disaster, because she took the opportunity to distance herself from me, being cold and snarky whenever I wanted to talk to her. I remember saying something like "I really miss you, I wish I could kiss you right now". Where the response I got was "Whatever, you're in 'country' ffs." Or if I asked if she missed me, I got the response "I dunno, havent thought about it yet.". But after these first 2 weeks, she finally saw the light again, how much she missed me and couldnt' wait for me to get home, which of course made me unbelievebly happy. I thought I was loosing her, but now she wanted me again.

A week before I was coming home, I called her and told her that the tickets were booked. She wasn't even happy about it, she thought that I could stay there a little longer now that I was there. She also told me that the next day, she and her ex (which she was previously living with) were going together to his sister in a town 6 hours away, to "explain the situation" between them. Which meant they were sharing a bed together at his sister's place. She said she didn't want to tell me about this before, even concidered to not tell me at all, because she knew how I would feel about it. I was devastated about this, which I don't really think is strange. But she proceeded with this anyway, and the focus went on her. She was feeling soo sorry for herself because she made me sad - I ended up comforting her for going on a weekend trip with her ex.

When I got home, things were great for a couple of weeks... .But then I started to feel some kind of resentment towards her, I couldn't say why I felt this way, but I guess there was some reasons... .Anyway, after this things really started to fall apart for real, and I realized that im worth better than this... .Which is why it's making me so sad that im having second thoughts now.

It feels really good writing this stuff out... .

Dude reading what you just wrote just brings back so much pain. I think of all the mistakes that I made and then I see you realizing the mistakes you made. Getting yourself in that stupid triangle instead of just walking away. I remember early on my girlfriend had to go out of town for 4 days and at times while she was gone it was like she completely forgot about me. Like she missed me but she wasn't consistent and her actions and she would like not call back at times including when her flight landed really late at night and I told her to wake me up no matter what because I wanted to know that she was safe driving home late at night in the middle of the night.

They make you feel such compassion for them like you want to take care of them. And it is such a overwhelming feeling to be wanted and needed and when they take it away for a little bit it only makes you love it more when they seem like you're everything to them. This is why I'm struggling everyday I can't wrap my head around why this girl isn't dying to be over here with me. Even when I try talking to other girls all I think about is her.

I don't think people understand how hard it is to make the right decisions and pay attention to the red flags when you feel something for a person. We are trained to try to resolve issues and work things out. So we give it time and we give it time but I will tell you for me the best thing that I've had is a few girlfriends explain to me from a girl's point of view what is going on and how their viewing things and how I'm being manipulated and played right from the beginning. Guys don't tend to be that manipulative in that way we are very direct and logical so we cannot wrap our heads around this Behavior.

Attractive women learn very early that they have a lot of power and when you expect the good in people you block out that somebody can be this way but she knows exactly what she's doing including right now. You are now a challenge to her okay believe me. You can want to kiss her and touch her and hold her and believe whatever she telling you right now and she will give it to you for a little bit I promise you that but you are going to pay the price again if you allow this so you need to know that going in it's not an if but a when.

We should not have to convince someone else to like us or give it a chance. She's not going to be able to comply with any boundaries that you set at this point. I've envisioned all sorts of scenarios that if my ex contacts me that I would have to implement in order to have her in my life at all but I don't think she would stick with any of them. The sad truth is the person that I thought I was with cheated on me at the end and I was in such shock I didn't even raise my voice. She was living with me and I caught her and she admitted it and I said A you need to just move out I'm sorry I don't know what else to say. I had never caught her lying. She was a wonderful girlfriend when she wasn't distancing. My kids love her I was so attached to her. I think about are still all day every single day every single minute and I cannot even wrap my head around the fact even being on this board for years that this is true. I want my girl to be the one exception to the rule.

Another side note I'm really tired of guys getting involved with girls that just broke up or have boyfriends. This type of behavior by our male population only collectively makes us or I should say harms us all period sex should not be that important that we do this to ourselves. I won't even date a girl that separated now. Separated means married. You know if guys had left my X alone when she left and didn't believe her b******* then she might have been forced to talk to me and deal with stuff butt that might just be my wishful thinking.

Regardless I learned a lot about my mistakes and what to look for and how I must have an ego that I did not realize and I have to stop thinking that everybody else wants what I want. Nowadays women make good money and they don't all want kids and they don't really need us so when they make themselves vulnerable to us we assume that they genuinely need us and that they love us but that's not what's going on a lot of the times. They live in a cycle of wanting romance and what they see on Disney cartoons or movies. And they get bored very quickly and they change their mind and it's very hard to find a good girl and if you don't keep your mind set tight in the beginning this is what happens to you.


We are all learning a valuable lesson and try as hard as you can to let your mind override your emotions and your actions right now because I can tell this girl is not done with you and she's going to bring you more pain if you are open to having any more feelings for her.

I don't even know you and I probably care more about you than she does keep that in mind