BPDFamily.com

Me and my wife "Jill" have been together for eight years and married for seven.  The courtship was quick and we married maybe a little to young.  After our first (of three) child was born she suffered from post-partum really badly.  When the child was six months old she had an extra marital encounter.  When I found out I told her that she will never see our child again, this brought on suicide attempt number one.  I found her in the master bathroom with a butcher knife.  We reconciled, somewhat there were arguments, fist fights, flare ups and cool downs. Until a hurricane came through our town, and we needed something important (I forget what) from the store.  The worse of the storm hadn't hit yet but it was on it's way.  I told her to wait for me with our child and I would be back asap.  That was another trigger and thus bringing about suicide "attempt" number two.  I found her fully clothed face down in the bath tub.  This made me think, not to sound harsh but there are much more effective ways to kill one's self.  I called the police they took her into custody and she started a seven day stint at a psychiatric facility.  She was released and was referred to a therapist.  She was then diagnosed with BPD and was placed on medication.  It was difficult it seemed like every medicine she tried had a problem that made it unbearable.  One made her too sleepy (only when she first started but after a week it got better), another made her hallucinate, then eventually we found one that worked.  After that the therapist was the problem.  Fast forward another year and another child.  At this point I realized that I need to do more to help her so I researched BPD and how to manage it. Things in our life seemed to bet better, not as much turmoil with the kids and at work, but all that mess landed in my lap know and fell hard on our marriage.  After kid number three I had enough and I stepped out.  And after a good hard look at our marriage we decided to give it another try.  I love my wife and I would do/give anything to help her, but this pendulum lifestyle is killing me.  I stay because one a good day life is great but the bad days make me question that decision every time.  At this point I feel like I'm sinking with no way out... .

Welcome  ,

The roller coaster ride is a difficult one.  I commend you on your efforts thus far to not only understand the disorder but also to manage the relationship in ways that are more conducive to being conflict free.

It sounds like from your description that while your wife has sought help she herself is not really committed to change and the help she has received thus far has been largely ineffective.  Is this a fair assessment?

Medication is a tricky thing.  It can be a trigger itself.  You may ask yourself why do I need this?  What is so wrong with me?  My brain is chemically messed up?  This can lead to all kinds of negative feelings about yourself and make you resent the meds.  Therapy is also challenging.  It is so hard to know what to even discuss.  What is important?  Does what happened in situation A have anything to do with BPD?  It's very confusing.  There is also the idea that other ppl are causing all your struggles.  If this person and that person would just stop behaving how they do I wouldnt feel how I feel.  Im just very sensitive to what other ppl are doing and how they are responding to me.  These interactions create moods and the moods dictate how I will start behaving.  All ppl respond to ppl based on how they are treated.  The problem is my perception of how im being treated may not match the intention.  That however doesnt change the fact that I DO perceive what I perceive and I DO feel what I FEEL.  How would anyone feel if they were told what they feel shouldnt happen and what they perceive isnt what happened.  This is very difficult to deal with.  How do you ever trust what you feel or perceive to be happening?  There is already an alien feeling and hearing that your reality doesnt match other ppls is crushing and you dont want to believe it.  Other ppl appear to be negative toward you a lot of the time.  How would you like to live in a world where you dont fit and other ppl dont seem to want you there.  Be kind.  Be patient.  Actually LISTEN.  If something is upsetting try to stop doing it.  Discuss y and if the pwBPD cant explain y just trust that it is THAT upsetting and make every effort to end whatever it is.