BPDFamily.com

Hi all! I was quite active here many years ago as I navigated the waters of a relationship & marriage with a uBPD, the realization that something was severely wrong and it wasn't me, and then the legal aspects of cutting ties and divorcing without losing my house and not having at least 50/50 custody of my kids. Long story short, I did manage to divorce a woman in NJ without having to sell or vacate the marital home, no Alimony, and joint custody with 50/50 time sharing. I consider it to be a fabulous outcome given the gender bias of courts and laws, and had been told upon consultation with a leading law firm I would never be able to do that. I proceeded to handle it myself as a Pro Se litigant, and got the outcome that I consider more than fair but runs against the grain of the legal system (which assumes divorce always happens because the man cheats, is abusive, etc. and women are always the victim of a broken marriage). I won't re-hash my strategy, but if interested you can find by searching my posts.

I just wanted to tie the loop by coming back with the latest. I am re-married to a wonderful woman, and while my xuBPDw has tried very hard to use the children and shared custody as a tool to cause me continued grief and frustration, we have managed to remain sane. Now it is all going to come to a real ending and closure because I found out yesterday that my xuBPDw will be going to prison. I am not sure for how long, and I really don't care. Obviously, it should not be too hard for me to change custody once she is incarcerated because she is no longer able to do anything in support of the kids along the lines of parental responsibility and such.

It is definitely bittersweet because although I could care less if she breathes or not -- and if I had to pick one I'd pick not -- I know this is going to hard on the kids. The kids are ages 9 and 11, and will certainly need some help absorbing the idea of their mothers absence. But other than that, I say good riddance.

For those that are curious what she did... .she has had a handful of DWI arrests & convictions throughout her adult life, and she got another one in 2013. She thought she would escape the DUI by refusing to submit for breathalyzer and learned the hard way that is about the worst thing you can do. The law in NJ is that refusing a breathtest is a crime with penalties just as steep as the DWI trying to be avoided. In addition, in NJ they can prosecute for DUI without the breathtest, so someone who tries to do this stands to be convicted of 2 very serious counts.

I knew in 2013 she was arrested and refused, because she called me to cry about it and ask my advice. I didn't really give her any advice, and was sitting back waiting for her to not be able to adhere to the 50/50 schedule and not be able to transport the kids because of loss of driving privileges -- but it never happened.  I have tried the past few years to find the arrest (I was not told which township it was in) so I could stay close to it and understand the results. But it never happened?

Well, apparently she did lose her license and continued to drive anyways, and she got caught. She had orchestrated a big scheme involving identity fraud/theft to try to keep driving without being caught, but it didn't work. I am not sure how long she will be incarcerated because her scheme involved breaking a loft of laws like presenting false ID to police, identity fraud, insurance fraud, etc.

It is sad for the kids sake, but in terms of their long term well being it is a blessing. The kids will now be able to have consistency 100% of the time, and they won't be used as pawns and they won't be subject to lying/stealing/cheating -- which is what my xuBPDw did on a daily basis. She was living off the state by exploiting several programs to get a free ride in life, and although I could not prove it I knew and my fear always was that if the kids see these tactics work they may grow up to do the same.

Now there should be no question in their mids that living by lying/cheating/stealing doesn't end up good. Thank God. 

Welcome back. I used to read your posts and they helped a lot. Thanks.

I was put in a minimum security prison because of ex's false allegations. Most of the people were in there for multiple DUI's. I live in Pa. and they have the same law when you refuse a breathalyzer. The police are not obligated to tell you that either.

When you first shared your story and approach to handling the separation and divorce in court, I had concerns that your strategy was on the extreme side and a bit aggressive that might not go over well with the professionals.  After all, most Fathers get barely a 'fair' deal in family court.

I faced a court that definitely favored Mothers.  For instance, she had a Threat of DV charge pending against her in municipal court yet domestic court gave her temp custody and majority time after one question, "What are your work schedules?"  I worked a regular 5 day schedule and she claimed to "work from home" yet the fact was I had a TPO from the other court which didn't allow her near the residence without police escort.  She was living initially in a DV shelter/residence.

Another simple example is that when we first appeared in domestic court, there was no evidence against me, yet I was assigned in the temp orders (two of them) alternate weekends and an evening in between.  That was about 22% parenting time.  She of course started with 78% parenting time which went to equal time (the Shared Parenting attempt favored by the Custody Evaluator) in the final decree settlement.  Despite her poor behaviors in and out of court during and after the divorce process for 8 years, she has only been reduced to 25% during the school year.  It's a 33% annual average for her if the 11 weeks of summer equal time are included.  So clearly me with no problems starting with 22% (surely the court's weak excuse would be that I worked — and yet I still work the same schedule!) and her with substantial problems now having 25-33%.  She has it better now (with problems) than I did earlier (with no problems).  It's an unwritten gender bias built into the policies, procedures and 'discretion' granted family law judges when issuing court decisions.

Back to your case.  You stayed on top of the case and used the law to direct the court to a favorable outcome.  I noticed you were, well, driven and knew the law better than even some lawyers.  Surely they wee too accustomed to expecting only the typical outcomes.  Yet now to hear her subsequent actions — DWIs, driving while suspended, false identities, fraud, etc — have done her in even more.  She did it to herself.  Apparently she was much more dysfunctional and had worse behaviors than I had concluded from your posts back then.  Thanks for the update.

Looking forward, you'll be caring for the kids while she's away of course.  But at some point she'll be back in your lives, probably sooner than we all expect.  I figure you'll be pondering how best to reduce her time in the ordered parenting schedule so that when she's back she doesn't just pick up where she left off.  Maybe file to have her time officially reduced to alternate weekends and possibly an evening in between?  Just because she's had jail or prison time might not be enough to justify supervised visitation or ended visitation once she's out.

Even though you may not have any real evidence, it may behoove you to get in touch with the prosecuting attorney's office and let them know of any other illegal behaviours you believe she is conducting, like the welfare fraud you suspect. They may investigate further and add more time to her sentence if they find other stuff she has done.

Sounds like another good guy wins! Doesn't happen often enough unfortunately. Sounds like you are in a good place, thanks for sharing with us.