BPDFamily.com

This is a link, What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship) that outlines aspects, both practical and emotional, that perhaps we can all take some time to revisit and give consideration to.  

Sometimes just trying to make sense of what is happening in any given moment can overwhelm us, especially when we are already conflicted and overwhelmed, trying to make critical decisions.

Taking a step back and gaining some perspective can help us reframe our expectations and remind us that fundamentally we are navigating for the most part a spectrum disorder that is at it's core a serious mental illness.

How are you managing today ? 

One phrase that stood out to me from 12 step groups was " we became reactors, rather than actors". Dysregulations, and the things that were said to me during them had a big effect on me. I would react to them by trying to do better, trying to fix things, trying to be more like what my H ( or parents) wanted me to be. By doing so ,I became a false person myself- focusing on people pleasing, not being authentically me.

However, after the dysregulation, it seemed it was over for the pwBPD. The emotional outburst had re-set their emotional selves and they were ready to move on.

Realizing that I didn't have to react to them was a big step. Reacting means listening, but if it wasn't true ,not taking what was said as being about me. That even though these things were said to me, I didn't have to change or respond. I could pause, take a step back and not react. Reacting could include a number of things: JADEing, circular arguments, none of which worked to get the relationship I wanted. I could remove myself from the situation- that was a good thing to do, but the less reactive I was, the less they bothered me. They also didn't last as long since I was not participating by JADEing or arguing.

Thanks for that excellent link! 

New here and I just went through this w/my UBPDBF again, recently.  Once he lets it all out (on me), within a few hours he's back to normal like nothing happened, and being overly sweet toward me; I think he acts that way afterward because he realizes how unnecessarily harsh and hurtful he just was (which was way disproportionate to the situation), but rarely can bring himself to apologize outright for his irrational, infantile behavior.  When he's open to talking about it, usually days later, he always says he hates that he rages like he does and actually feels shame & embarrassment about it.  He also reiterates that I should not take any of the things he says during that raging period personally; he's just in an angry fog and doesn't mean what he' saying. 

I'm trying harder to focus on that point and not take it personally, but dang is it way easier said than done when the person is yelling nastiness in your face!  I used to take it all to heart and go on these "self-improvement" tangents after his berating rages, to fix whatever he was complaining about, and he'd seem perplexed at what I was doing; which in my pov was all for him based on his ranting cutdowns.  Now I get it that it's all part of his UBPD raging process in getting out his stresses & frustrations on his only willing target... .me!  Now I don't obsess over fixing myself after his rages anymore; my fixing obsession has turned to how to deal with and continue to live with him now that I've figured out what's up with him (UBPD). 

I'm in the thick of indecision as to whether to stay or go even though he's not diagnosed or getting any kind of help, and most likely never will.  I just love him to pieces & can't imagine my life without him in it... .yeah, I'm a co-dep caretaker type ta boot! Lucky me!  This site has helped me tremendously since I found it just this week!  It's given me hope that I can gather the strength and use these resources to deal with him and stay healthy.

Thank you so much!

Thank you for the link. Today I'm not doing very well as I'm feeling taxed by parenting responsibilities. (my pwBPD is my romantic partner) I may make a separate post about it.

im long out of my relationship and when i was in it i knew nothing about BPD.

i think one thing that went a long way for me was to be able to not take the rages personally, and not internalize what was said. thats hard, and its also hard to draw the line between "not taking it personally" and lying down and taking abuse. i also took it to the extreme and dismissed anything and everything she said when disregulated.

validation would have gone a long way, too.

Time has been a big factor. Slowly, I find myself wanting to get to know her again. I think that we spend a lot of energy avoiding who we are and what kept us with our partners. The bond is more complicated than that. It deserves investigating as far as I am concerned.

It's also a matter of getting out there and meeting new people. It's important to build a life after the relationship. We create our own happiness and security.

And it all boils down to one thing: acceptance... .of ourselves.

First is that I believe God's big picture is better than my small view at the moment. Even though I have struggled through this relationship looking to Him is my main anchor.

second is the support from these boards. I will know if and when it is time to move on or say to myself OK its time to just accept this for what it is and deal with it. I know there are some elements to our marriage that if they do not change I will have to somehow move on from this but I can't wait forever.


I have looked also how that this marriage has helped me in my short comings. I have learned how to be more patient and understanding of people who are hurting. I have learned how to channel my anger. I need to continue to learn how not to be as co dependent, which I am working on.

Honestly, I think what help me the most in staying married for 17 years to a pwBPD was taking all of the psychology-related courses I did in college and having long experience in keeping emotions under control and acting on the basis of logic and reason during my prior tenure in law enforcement.

Having some formal education in psychology, I had a more than fair idea of what I was in for when I married my pwBPD.  During my tenure in law enforcement, I was duty-bound to act on the basis of logic and reason, and not let emotions dictate responses in dealing with suspects of crime.  Emotionally, I might want to beat the c*** out of someone who put a dog collar on his two-year child, chained said child to the floor of a van, and left said child alone in a parking lot, to wallow in its own feces, while he enjoyed an evening in a topless bar, but logic and reason says I should only use the force necessary to affect the arrest, and society expects this, as it should.

Here's a list taken from the link provided by the O.P.:

1)Maintaining routine and structure

When this is achieved, dysregulation has been kept at bay, at least in my experience with my pwBPD.  Every serious episode of dysregulation that I have expereinced during my marriage can be traced back to a failure to maintain routine and structure. 

2)Setting and maintain boundaries

When this has been achieved, dysregulation has been kept at bay.  Those boundaries need to be clearly articulated so that a pre-school child could understand them, though.  In my relationship, dysregulation has been more likely to occur when I've lost sight of the fact that I am not dealing with a psychologically whole adult when dealing with my pwBPD.

3)Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times

Easy to write out on a list, generally easy, but not always easy all of the time, to put in to practice.

4)Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

No comment.

5)In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally

This is pretty easy for me to do, thanks to my background in law enforcement.  One thing my pwBPD and I agree on is that she cannot ever recall a single instance during our relationship in which I have ever raised my voice at her.  I don't get defensive and in the main, don't take the things she says or does personally.

6)Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail

This item here is where I have failed, big-time, time and time again -sheileding my pwBPD from the consequences of her actions.  That failure has had a negative impact on her and on me.

7) Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

So do those that have serious and real potential to be harmful or destructive.

Item six on this list is the one that makes me wish I could hit some kind of "life rewind button" and make different choices over.  Intellectually, I know that BPD doesn't excuse my pwBPD from accountability or responsibility for her actions.  Emotionally, I love her and don't want her to suffer even from her own impulsive acts.  Shielding her from the consequences, though, regardless of motive for doing so, ultimately doesn't do her or I any favors.

We're still married and living together in the aftermath of an adulterous act on her part that had her seeking extra-marital conjugal releations with another married woman.  We'll  remain married at least until she completes her degree next December.  Contemporaneous with the drama of last Decemeber, in which she got caught in her adulterous action, she was made aware that if she chooses to stay domiciled with me, I will no longer shield her from the consequences her actions might bring.  Other boundaries were established, too, but that one has been helpful, and the tack I should have taken from the beginning.