BPDFamily.com

Back in January, my BPD friend convinced me to get Snapchat.  Since then, she's gone through one boyfriend and is on to another.  And each one has literally followed the same pattern.  I mean, I know some things are related to BPD, like idealization and such, but everything is the same. 

January/February Guy - First picture she posted of him was without him knowing it, and the caption was, "That hair tho," in response to his blue hair.  That night, she posted a picture of the two of them and then one from outside a casino, with the caption, "Aw yeah."  Once she met him, she stopped talking to me and her mom. 

March Guy - First picture she posted of him was without him knowing it, and the caption was, ":)at a__ doe," in response to his back end.  Second picture was of the two of them together.  Third picture was of bingo cards, and the caption was, "Aw yeah."  Once she met him, she stopped talking to me and her mom.

Is this a common thing, for pwBPD to follow the exact same pattern in every relationship? 

This is the main reason why I'm still in this forum and not in Staying.  It's nearly impossible to be friends with her.  All of her recent relationships have lasted 1-2 months, and she always jumps into a new one less than a week after the last one ended, so she's always in the idealization stage with someone, which means that she forgets that I even exist.  When she's in between relationships for those few days, she starts off depressed and stays in bed.  Then, she texts me but never replies to me when I text her back.  Next,, she starts replying to me and says she wants to see me.  Finally, she impulsively asks if she can hang out with me, and because it's such a spur of the moment thing, I always end up having something else to do and have to say "no" to her.  Her abandonment fears kick in, she finds some new guy to spend the night with instead, she starts idealizing him right away, and then we go right back to square one.  Between work, grad school, family, hobbies, etc. I just can't make plans at the last minute.  A few weeks ago, she texted me at 10:30 at night, hours after I'd gone to bed, to ask if she could come over the next night for dinner.  I had a meeting to go to, so I told her she couldn't come over.  And it was a Wednesday night, anyway.  I go to bed at 8 or 9 and get up at 4:30 in the morning.  It seemed silly to me for her to drive an hour to my house, only to eat dinner and then turn around and leave again, especially since we haven't even seen each other since last June. 

I've learned that, to avoid conflict and create a less stressful environment for myself, I should just let her be when she's in a relationship and wait for devaluation to start.  Otherwise, it would just be me texting her and never getting a reply, and that gets annoying.  I haven't been on the receiving end of verbal abuse for several months now, and for that, I'm thankful.  But at the same time, it feels pointless to try to be friends with someone who is only available for a few days every two months or so. 

Sounds very difficult.   

What do you want with her in the future?

Grey Kitty,

Mostly, I just want it to be like it was a year or so ago, before I was being idealized.  I guess the main problem is that I don't know that we can ever go back to that.  To be honest, I think I was being idealized long before I realized I was.  I know pwBPD form really intense relationships at the beginning, but she creates an attachment at lightning speed.  On Sunday, she's taking her new boyfriend to Easter dinner with her family.  They've only been together/known each other for maybe two weeks. 

I'm starting to notice it happening with me again, too.  This new guy seems much more mature and "normal," like the guy she dated last year, and she's mirroring that right now.  Basically, she's acting the same way she did a year ago.  For the first time in many months, she's been texting me first, asking me how I am, sending me pictures, etc.

I guess I'm just bracing myself for when she stops being able to mirror him.

Full-on idealization, mirroring, and painting somebody white is never sustainable, and never will be. You only get that as part of a package which includes painting black and devaluing.

You won't get the woman who idealizes you all the time, because that woman doesn't actually exist.

What do you want with the real woman who can and will do both?

 I know it is a really tough question.

I would just like to see her every once in a while, maybe catch dinner or something sometime.  I don't want to be idealized; that was great at the beginning, but it quickly became uncomfortable. 

But right now, she is really idealizing her new boyfriend, and this guy seems like he might stick around a while.  When she is in a relationship, she never spends time with people who know the real her. 

I guess the most hurtful thing is to see her Facebook posts (I was finally unblocked and friended again last Saturday, after nearly four months) in which she is talking to her new BFF and saying the same things to her that she said to me last year at this exact same time.

I'm just not sure if it's even worth it anymore.  I haven't even seen her in almost a year.

SummerStorm,  ... .

So sorry to hear about your friend... .I have grieved over mine more times than I can count now, that the friendship will never be anything near what I thought it would be in the beginning.  I feel like I have to keep facing reality and letting more and more pieces go.  It sucks!  I just had a post a few weeks back on the Medium Chill post.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

I saying that it sounded great, but how does it work when you do want to have an emotional connection and/or close relationship with the person since it sounds like you can't?  I'm talking about my best friend, I don't want to emotionally distance myself, work on not showing emotion when in conversation with her, etc... .I want to connect.  Then after this last time it dawned on me.  Nope, to have her in my life, this is EXACTLY what I have to do in order to be there, stay there more often than not, and not get caught up in the drama (at least stay out of as much as I can).  Truth be told I hate to even say that, but it's completely true.  I have to almost take myself back to one of the other lemmings she keeps waiting in the wings, someone she hangs out with to not feel lonely, but who doesn't really know her deep down.  Part of the problem is, I already do... .  I haven't tried it much lately since I haven't seen her, except for the mandatory invite to her daughter's birthday party.  My daughter and her daughter are best friends, although that term really is relative as who knows when/if they will see each other much until both girls are old enough to make plans independent of their parents.  Sad, but true... .

Maybe the Medium Chill post will help you?

More details if you are interested... .

I just passed 1.5 years with my BFF, and I think she was completely absent for about 1/3 of that.  I completely understand your story, but do find it interesting how very similar each guy story is you are so right.  With my BFF they are all similar yet different, but the main thing that is the same is the idealization/devaluation.

This last time with BFF I thought it would be different because she invited me back in after 3 months of almost complete NC, and so I figured she was already enmeshed with this guy.  That he was her #1 and it was more like she was inviting me along for the ride, and I wanted to be there, especially after I met him.  He is completely amazing, which is great, yet also truly unfortunate because he seems to be her exact opposite.  However, on the surface, they look very much the same.  Hard workers, outgoing fun people, sometimes a bit hard on themselves, but truly proud of their accomplishments.  So to anyone who doesn't know her they seem perfect for one another, yet to me he could be the guy who balances her out or he could be the next guy on the wheel of guys and I feel bad for him.  How can a guy who seems to put honesty as #1 sustain a healthy, long-term relationship with a girl who lies about almost everything?  He doesn't know... .  :'(, because he seems like one of the nicest guys I've ever me and if I could he'd be my new best friend because I too put honesty as #1, yet I have to hold my tongue around him so I don't spill the beans about BFF's possible BPD.  It is in no way my place to share that information, not to mention if he hasn't seen it he wouldn't believe me anyway!  lol

So it was a few good months of everything seeming normal, and I thought it was because he was her #1 so I could relax in #2 and that felt wonderful.  The three of us hung out a few times and it was so nice and relaxed to all just have fun enjoying one another's company without any drama.  I should have known it was too good to last, but she even had conversations with me that she wouldn't push me away like that again.  She learned she needed to keep the people who are the most important close to her, etc... .sound GREAT, the problem is, I believed her!

Then I started to get a bit nervous, that feeling in the pit of my stomach where something wasn't right.  She had a few deep conversations with me where I realized he was not #1, I still was somehow, which is confusing since I had been gone 3 months.  When she brought me back in they had been together less than a month so I guess it was too new for her to enmesh, unfortunately.  So then it's a few months in and we got to a point where she said things to me like, "You complete me" and "I trust you more than I trust him."  I should have known... .duh me.  Translation: as soon as that talk happened I would be gone again.  Yep, so it dawned on me, but because I love her I made it happen, mostly because this guy is amazing and if he could be "the one" I don't want to stand in the way of that.  Also, I believed her when she said she wouldn't push me away this time and things had been going so well I thought it would continue.

So I facilitated their talk... .and just like that he became #1.  She started getting angry with me over little things, she started ignoring phone calls... .I wrote an email that didn't get a great response and boom I'm out.  This is followed by her having an accident and ending up in the hospital, and it's also the point where I am 100% glad I facilitated that talk so he could be #1.  The way she had been treating me I could not have sat by her bedside at the hospital I just couldn't, as much as I love her it would have been too much.  So for once she had a complete catastrophe and I didn't have to be there.  It was blissful which I almost feel guilty saying, but truly it was nice.  Also, to know this guy is wonderful and can truly be counted on felt great like I left her in good hands.  He has been one of the only people we both know whose behavior doesn't shift with me based on her painting black of me (the only ones who don't change know about my suspicion of BPD so they don't take anything she says about anyone to heart).

I realized why I am so partial to this guy in particular and it's because growing up I always wanted a brother, and this guy encompasses everything I would have wanted him to be.  He's genuine, he's caring, he isn't quick to anger, and he's honest.  I do worry however that when the time comes for them to break up if she cracks and he sees the BPD that he'll be mad at me for not telling him, but it's truly not my place, even so it's hard talking with him wondering when he'll see it.  At least, I know when I show up to an event they are at he will always walk up and greet me with true happiness to see me, and even give me a hug.  I have never once wondered if he will give me a hug when I see him, he just does, and it's always warm and genuine.  At BFF's birthday party for her daughter, I hadn't seen her in a few weeks and she was apparently sick, as she so often is, so when I approached her she barely said hi and told me, ":)on't get too close to me, I'm sick."  Thereby denying me a hug... .yet, when every other guest showed up she beamed with joy and hugged every one of them so tightly.  Her guy was passed behind her when she talked to me, but even though she did not hug me he did.  He even made it a point to say goodbye to me when I left, which previous boyfriends have not, lol.  They pick up if she's annoyed and then they steer clear, as do mutual friends.  It's nice for there to be a guy who seemingly can keep things separate.

I want to be in my BFF's life, even if that means catching up every once in a while, I just don't want her to ignore me in between.  I recently told her that she has taught me not to call so while I have texted a few times before the party to verify a few things, I have not called, and I will not.  I told her I will not chase her anymore and that if she wants me in her life I don't want to feel like I have to fight for a spot, she has to make a place for me.  She told me previously she wants to spend the shorter week she has her daughter just with her, which is understandable, so there will be no plans to get together then.  The last long week was the week of the birthday party so we saw them.  This week is the next long week and I have no idea if I will hear from her.  The thing that sucks most about losing your person... .I've had great news this week and I should want to call her and share it because that's what you do with your person.  Something great happens and you call them excitedly and blurt it out, then you both bounce up and down on the phone together.  I have been denied that opportunity so many times, both in good and bad, when there would possibly be shared crying instead of shared bouncing, that I don't even bother anymore.  It's not worth it when my call may not even be answered, and will definitely not be returned.  I deserve better... .so do you.

My news if you are wondering... .We are under contract for a house, pending the inspection which should go well and our loan going through of course.  I am so happy, yet I still find myself crying when I miss her, then I just feel stupid.  Do you still sometimes miss her and/or cry even after not seeing her for so long?

I want to be in my BFF's life (and her daughter's life for tht matter), even if that means catching up every once in a while, I just don't want her to ignore me in between.  I recently told her that she has taught me not to call so while I have texted a few times before the party to verify a few things, I have not called, and I will not.  I told her I will not chase her anymore and that if she wants me in her life I don't want to feel like I have to fight for a spot, she has to make a place for me.

I recently heard someone describe boundaries and it vividly brought the example into focus in the case of BFF.  The person said the following:

Not having boundaries is like someone having a beautiful garden with pretty flowers and yummy fruit.  There is a fence around this garden and it belongs to them.  This garden also has a gate, but when someone doesn't have boundaries they leave it open.  They invite you in, excitedly telling you that you are welcome whenever you want and you are free to pick their flowers and eat their fruit.  This person who has no boundaries hopes that you will see how beautiful their garden is and see it as a reflection of them and you will love them so much you will want to protect them by closing their gate for them.  The problem is that at some point this person who leaves their gate open for anyone to trample through their garden, pick their flowers, and eat their fruit will say "Enough!"  Then they will turn on whoever is in their garden upset that these people have disrespected them.  The problem here is that the person who feels anger and resentment for having their fence boundary broken needs to realize that they are the one who did not set the boundary.  They did not close their gate, they cannot expect others to do it for them.  When they leave it open they cannot then be mad at someone who simply followed their directions that they were welcome whenever they pleased.  The person they need to be angry with and the person who disrespected them is themselves.  If they truly love themselves, and they truly care for those around them, they will respect not only themselves but others by having good boundaries.

I realized this is exactly how I feel with my BFF.  When she's in idealization she invites me in, leading me by the hand, telling me I am welcome anytime and I am free to pick her flowers and eat her fruit.  Next thing I know I have some juice dribbling down my chin from one of her delicious fruits while I am smelling a flower I have picked and she turns to yell at me to "GET OUT!"  It is very frustrating and confusing because I have done nothing, but what she told me to do.  Then I realize, what she says cannot be trusted, so I have only myself to trust and only myself to make boundaries and keep them.  I cannot rely on her when she cannot be trusted to tell the truth, nor to make or keep boundaries and this was my error.  I believed I could trust what she said, but the truth is I cannot so I just have to plan on the worst case scenario and make my boundary something I can be happy with.  If that upsets her well so be it, it's better than the alternative of hoping she means what she says knowing even if she does in the moment she will change her mind later.

Not sure if that example makes sense to you, but I now realize I can apply that one example to every single time things go sideways with BFF and it applies.  So in the future if I keep that one thing I mind I think we might end up somewhere different that is if we're still on... .who knows.  I guess I'll see if I get a phone call this week.  lol, but I won't hold my breath.  *)

I'll keep *fingers crossed* that things get better for us both, hun!

I know how hard it is to find friends, and when we make a connection with someone it's so frustrating to lose it.

DearBFF,

I love the "Garden Analogy". I admit that I was one of those without boundaries and would get upset when unwritten rules were transgressed. I thought just because I'd invited someone to eat from my garden, they'll respect and not over indulge (*abuse) my kind nature. In hindsight, It was my responsibility to draw a line and make specific rules around which of the fruits/flowers are not to be picked under any circumstances.

Not really being religious, you've indirectly made me realize that mankind was kicked out of the Garden of Eden for having transgressed boundaries that were clearly unambiguously defined from the word go!

People aren't psychics, BPD or Not. Define, Stipulate on the onset your boundaries and make known the consequences if these boundaries are ever violated.

Apologies for deviating from the main topic.

Inharmsway, I love your Garden of Eden point... .not religious either, but yes you are correct.  |iiii

I have realized that when I am open (don't specifically say come on it, but leave things unsaid) it's because I feel a connection and I think there will be equal give and take.  However, with BFF I quickly then realize it is not equal and then I sometimes can feel burnt out.  My fault of course for not stating boundaries, it is usually over things I didn't even realize I needed to mention but it is my job to mention them nonetheless.  I try not to get upset about them though... .just let them know for next time.