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I just don't get why guilt and shame well up inside me over the exBPD. After my whole family telling me she's bat***t nuts, her family telling me the same thing, every single person I've ever met in the last 4 years ALL telling me to run the other way. And i mean not one single person has EVER said anything good about her. Police, councelors, doctors, nurses, family, friends, children, her family, pastors, landlord, her friends, her exs, on and on.

I still believe it is all my fault!

WTHECK is wrong with my thinking when I get this way?

So so wrong. Like being blinded momentarily and very frightning.

what do you feel guilt and shame about JerryRG?

I keep thinking everything was my fault that I didn't try hard enough. I told her I couldn't be around someone so sick, so miserable, she drug me down into a bottomless pit but I gave up on her. She did and said the most cruel hurtful things. I had nothing left to give. I never wanted to just give up. I abandoned her

I don't want to trust people anymore after this nightmare

i dont think theres anything wrong with you in feeling compassion for her condition from a distance, and recognizing that you cant save everyone, recognizing when a relationship is unhealthy and detrimental to your health. i know it  seems and feels conflicting, but as you said, you had nothing left to give. letting go of the outcome and figuratively putting on your oxygen mask first, i dont see as the same as giving up on her or you, but perhaps the most loving action you could have taken for the both of you. everything isnt your fault, a relationship takes two. its not sustainable on ones own.

i was the one that was left, but i tried many times to leave my ex and the guilt was something that inhibited me from following through. i think many that have been in the position of exiting the relationship have felt agonizing guilt over it. it takes time and understanding, directed toward yourself, and compassion for yourself, along with separating what was yours and what was hers, but also believing and trusting in yourself that you left and why.

none of it means something is wrong with you. youre grieving and processing hard stuff  

You didn't abandon her. Like you said, you didn't want to give up and you gave it all you had and then you had nothing left to give. That's not abandonment, that's self preservation.

And even if you called it abandonment, why would it all be your fault? Were you alone in this relationship?

You don't want to trust anybody ever again or you feel you can't? Let's say you decide never to trust anybody ever again after today. Well maybe your family, close friends, but you don't want to put yourself out there again and ever date again. That's what you mean, right? Would you be happy if you never dated a woman again?

I was so wrong about her, ignored hundreds of red flags, no matter what I did she was miserable. I am no where near being in a healthy relationship, romantic anyway, just seems like I couldn't do anything right with her and she did crazy phychotic things, I was very afraid of her. She's with another guy, how can he not see the same things I did? How can she be so cruel to me and disrespectful and lie so dramatically. The big question is why can't I accept she is so disordered that it is unbelievable. It don't seem real to me, like a crazy dream I can't wake up from