BPDFamily.com

Hi,

  I am 74 and have a number of health-related issues including cardiac problems.

I am sole Carer for my partner, a 77 year old lady who also has multiple health issues. She has always had a temper and a sharp tongue. I love her. Over the past few years, and here I am just going to talk about her mental issues, she has started to have memory problems. They are now becoming severe, less of words and names, watching the same tv programme many times and not remembering that she has seen it.

As regards what I believe to be BPD.

Example. Yesterday morning she described me as the kindest, most understanding man she had ever met. By the early afternoon she was screaming at me, threatening to kill me when I wasn't expecting it, and accusing me of stealing her makeup. I had just bought her perfume the day before. She thinks I am having affairs. ( I have had a cardiac arrest) There is always someone in the frame. The last woman, an Avon representative, was called and screamed at late at night. At that point, M, on many tablets but completely drunk fell over. I was out of the room. She has damaged her shoulder but we pretend she tripped over a loose paving stone.(my idea)

As well as makeup, I am now accused of stealing money from her purse for years, clothes to give to other women and her response to my denial is "liar! ... ." and more of the same.

There is massive verbal abuse and insults, swearing. I am a Jewish thief. All Jews are thieves. I am actually a non-practising Jew who converted to Roman Catholicism ten years ago. M is also Catholic.

I have to walk on eggshells. At any moment a word, a facial expression is misinterpreted or the wrong thing. This whole business is now affecting the rest of the family. Her son and daughter know that I am innocent of all this, but are duty bound to be supportive towards their mother, a difficult position to be in.

I have been offered the possibility of refuge accomodation, refuge from the verbal and mental abuse and threats of violence. This offer has been made by an official source, a psychiatrist.

I do not want to leave. M is unable to cope with the dish-washer, the washing machine, selecting and operation channels and controls on tv, and has started to do things like leaving gas rings lit on the cooker or the oven on. I do all the housework with pleasure, but am daily told she will have me thrown out in the street by 'heavies.' This after 25 years together. She talks about words and incidents 25 years ago as if it was yesterday. Today is yet another day in bed with depression. She has atrial fibrillation and cateracts and has a programme of eye drops and excel uses for her shoulder following the fall she rarely does them

These incidents of vituperation can be daily or in cycles every week or so. She bears or grits her teeth and says she will throw me out with a knife in me. Oh, she can no longer cook, at least consistently and food she prepares is burnt or over-spiced. I do most of the cooking.

She is devoted to her son (nothing wrong with that), a 57 year old loner with Asperger's syndrome. M is dyslexic and the may be some hereditary element involved with all this. I am writing this more or less in secret as I am frankly, becoming frightened of her rages and want to avoid the. I do not want to leave. I want to care for her. Neither her daughter (married with three children) or myself know what to do. I am at my wits end and have had thoughts of taking an overdose.

I feel trapped. I am a total failure and unable to calm situation although I do try to say as little as possible at times of conflict. I am no thief and philanderer, but the lack of trust is awful. I am a snake, a paedophile, a thief of money, makeup, clothes, all to give to another woman I presume. I have neither he time or the inclination. She controls the finances and retains my benefit card. I am constantly accused of 'fiddlin' the bank, government benefit somehow, and she gives me some of my benefit, keeping some for the household, which is correct.She then asks me where I got the money from. I live in dread of her deciding she is £10 or £20 pounds short on the money in her purse. She could say anything. There is no proof and I have not done it anyway.

She loses things all the time, glass, an expensive watch, a ring, and accuses me of stealing them, usually gifts from myself. She actually 'hides' these things then forgets where they are.

There s more, but that is basically my situation and hers. I don't know what to do. I am powerless. I suffer from clinical depression as well as angina. I cannot think of an answer to this horrible life I lead. I try my hardest to cook, iron, and oh... .she thinks I am trying to poison her, but only occasionally. I am getting to the stage where I am really desperate. Helpless and worthless. Maybe it is all my fault.

Thanks

Frenchy

Hello Frenchy and welcome to bpdfamily,

You are really dealing with a lot here, and I can hear how difficult things are becoming for you. Is there anyone at all coming in on a regular basis to support you with your partners daily care needs, to support you? If not this might be something to discuss with her P so that a more detailed care package might be considered and more support put in place for you both.

If you are a carer here in the UK, there are many resources available to you in the situation you are in, let us know and I will send you some contacts if you are.

I am a registered carer for my husband and am linked into many additional support services outside mental health. Here in the UK I am entitled to my own full needs based assessment that is aimed at alleviating my stress and putting support in so as to avoid carer breakdown and burnout.

Dealing singlehandedly with what is going on for you, plus your own care needs takes a huge amount of effort on many levels. Looking after yourself first is crucial if you are planning to continue in your caring role.

It is good to know from your post that professionals are at least aware of the difficulties you are facing each day, as mental health issues can often be made worse by memory deficits. How bad are the memory problems?

From what you describe your partner is experiencing paranoid and persecutory thoughts and beliefs about you, which I can hear is understandably causing you a great deal of upset and distress. Is her psychiatrist aware of this behaviour?

Staying quiet when your partner is making accusations toward you or making verbal threats toward you is a really good approach. Removing yourself completely from where she is might also help diffuse things. Do you have any concerns for your personal safety at all? How bad can things get?

I'm really glad you found us because there is support available, and it sounds to me that accessing that support is a where you need to start first. I do understand though that as a carer it can be very hard to think about putting your needs first, hopefully by posting here you have taken the first steps toward changing that.

This is all very hard for you Frenchy, and depression is a real concern. You do need to look after yourself otherwise you wont be able to provide effective support for your wife.

To be constantly accused of ill deeds does drain your sole, it is important that you do find space for yourself. Is there any respite care available for you? totally dedicating yourself to your wife's care will eventually grind you down.

Has she ever accused you of threatening her or abusing her in any, or otherwise threatening to call the police on you and making false claims? This can often be a real risk

I'm not discounting the BPD, but much of your story sounds like your partner is on a downward trajectory with dementia.

My mother, who had BPD, also manifested some similar paranoid ideation. It's incredibly hard, I know, to be accused of bad deeds as well as being threatened. My heart goes out to you as I know exactly the situation of which you speak, however I was the daughter, not the partner, so there is more difficulty that you are dealing with.

If she has not had a recent checkup, please get her to a physician and alert the office ahead of time that dementia is a potential issue. My mother was very good at covering up her memory loss for short periods of time, as well as the BPD.

Good luck!