BPDFamily.com

Hello!  I will try to give a quick over view of my situation.  I started dating my husband when I was 18, married at 24 and my current age is 46.  We have 3 boys together 20,16 & 13.  Looking back now (hindsite is 20/20) he was pretty controlling even in the beginning, at the time I didn't think anything of it.  We loved spending time with each other so the constant contact etc. didn't seem out of place.  Over the  years I have lost myself, lost friends and it continues unfortunately.  I have thought for years that my husband suffered from depression, anxiety and is some what socially awkward (I am a people person) anytime I tried to talk to him or show him support he would deny it or tell me I was the one with issues.  So I guess over the years I tried my best to make him happy, sometimes feeling like I was jumping through hoops only to be told I missed one hoop that I didn't know existed.  Then he gives me (and the kids at times) the silent treatment, become aggressive with closing doors, cabinets, throwing keys on the counter just enough to let you know he is agitated.  When the kids were younger they were my responsibility.  I worked a f/t job, was up during the night without him helping, in the mornings he would leave the minute one of our kids woke up and I would get them and myself ready for daycare/school and work. (he's self employed and flexible)  I would work 8-10 hr day rush to get to daycare before it closed only to come home finding him sitting on the couch or the internet doing nothing.  I would cook, clean, pack diaper bags, school bags, baths etc.  He claimed babies made him nervous and he trusted me to be a good mother and take care of them.   If his mom could raise six kids on a farm and his dad worked two jobs and made so could I.  He wanted me to take care of the kids, but would question my decisions on about everything or ridicule me to his mom or in front of our friends.  He would be mad at me for days if I would plan anything without him, including time with my mom, sister or other family members.  If I had a birthday party for a co-worker and would be an hour late I would have my mom get the kids and watch them because he would refuse, stating my place was home and he wasn't going to help or he would say my mom said you have 3 kids you need to stay home and take care of them.  Mind you I got out very very little without him or my children. 

Over the years I have "performed" the best I can from being a good mom and wife.  I would do anything he requested of me just to avoid the hours/days of his disconnection from us and comments.  Even though he denies it, over the years he would say stuff like... .if you ever leave me I will make your life a living hell... .I need you to do this and this for me or I might have to have an affair... .We are married and It's my right to know your every thought and move.  He even went as far as putting a recording device in my vehicle so he could hear my phone calls and/or if I would talk to anyone without him. 

I have thought about leaving more than once but never follow through.  The last time I thought I was completely done and broken he was diagnosed with cancer.  I couldn't leave him, I cared for him and nursed him back to health.  But, since then about 7 years now he has become even worse with his mood swings. jealousy and need to control me.  When I suspected he was recording me he would deny it, call me crazy and blow me off.  But he would make comments to me that I made on the phone with my mom or co-worker.  I would say, why did you say that and he would laugh and say... .say what? like I was hearing things.  After I found the device he begged me not to leave him and he would get help.  He has tried a couple of anti-depressants but claims within the first day they make him feel crazy and out of control so he refuses to try anything else, tried marriage counseling but he now refuses to go because he felt like it was pick on him sessions and we can do this on our own.  He has ruined several of our long term friendships (30+ years) and almost got me fired from my position at work.  He even talked to my mom and tried to convince her it was me all these years etc. I asked him for a separation twice but he became almost "crazy"  the look in his eyes scared me to death so I never pushed it.  I told he therapist that I felt like I was sleeping with the enemy.  I never know what I am coming home to or which person he will be.  I am on edge and feel like I am walking on egg shells. 

I am lost and I am tired, mentally and physically.  He told me last night after we had a nice weekend and then he had one of his "moments" out of the blue, brought me to tears then he told me he loves me more than anything and he is "f***ed" up.  But, he knows what he needs to do.  But, I've heard that for the last atleast 3 years. 

Comments, thoughts anything would be greatly appreciated.

:'(

Welcome to bpdfamily

You have come to the right place. There are lot of resources here to read besides all the posts which in themselves have much information .

I had a long term marriage too ,27 yrs, to a sociopathic narcisit.  Two children with him .

I had tried, before children , to leave him only to take the blame for even thinking it.  Then shamefully stayed. He recorded me, gps me , checked the computer history , isolated me from my own family , sabatoged anything with plans, undermined anything I tried to do, degraded me , competed with me as a parent.

Finally I made the do it or die decision to follow though. It was scary , it was rough but so thankful for some last inner strength to divorce.  It was the right decision. 

Some books to read... ."In Sheeps Clothing"  , "Why Does he do that? In the minds of angry and controling men", and "Splitting" which helps in the navigation though divorcing someone with a personality disorder (PD).

If you do make the decision to divorce, planing is essential . ( if you walk out of prison, you will get caught and put back). Other members have recently made a good plan list to follow . (Sorry I don't know how to cut it and paste it. I'm pretty sure it's on this board. )

Hang in there, keep posting with any questions.

         

Changed, you need to understand that you are victim of abuse. Let me guess  - you are afraid what the reaction would be if your husband even found out your were posting here.

Coming to these boards is a great first step on the path to recovering a life for yourself and your sons.  I was in almost the same spot about 4 years, even down to being the same age.  I think as you hit your mid-40s, you really begin to get some perspective on your life and realize that you are coming to a point where you have to decide if you want to keep doing the same thing you have been doing for another 20+ years.

If you choose to come back and keep sharing, you will find a wealth of knowledge as well as an empathetic ear from people who have walked in your shoes.  You are definitely not alone.

Do not use any computer that he has access to.  Block him on FB.  Change passwords for anything that is personal. 

Thank you for your feedback and support!  The only time I can get on here is when I am work, since I don't get a lot of alone time and privacy at home.  For a while he had access to my facebook account because he didn't have his own and said he just wanted to read posts and jokes but then he started saying things like, we are married so your facebook is like my facebook.  I truly don't have anything to hide so I let him use it until I noticed he was checking my recent activity and making comments about things and people I "liked" etc.  I watched him one night when he thought I was sleeping going through my phone and getting on fb, talking to himself and shaking his head.  The next day I locked him out and told him to get his own.  I changed my password to my phone but that just led him to putting a recording device in my van and then getting the password from my kids anyway.  He monitors our cell phone bills for calls... .I have to leave work but I will add more tomorrow, I have so much to release.  Thank you

And that would be a yes to "UGGHH", that's why I have to use my work computer so he won't find out I am using this site.  It is very good in a sad way that I am not alone, because at many times in my life I feel that way.

To add a bit more to our history, after he survived cancer 6-7 yrs ago his control, jealousy, mood swings etc. increased.  Also, before he was diagnosed I was unemployed for about 3 months due to company moving states so he had me around him day in and day out which I think made it worse for him once I returned to the work force. During this time he also seemed addicted to on-line porn.  He would forget to clear the history and I would see his searches for wife threesome pics, Wife F***king, wife sex pics, amateur pics and movies, hot ex-wifes, Hot cheating wife... .you get the picture I am sure.  I would come home and my youngest boy would say daddy is looking at other naked girls.  I talked to my husband about it many many many times and begged him NOT to do anything like that when the kids are home.  But, that didn't stop him.  Also, found out he was placing sex ads on Craigs List acting like he was me.  He would portray himself as a woman (me) and even put my photos on there without my permission.  I don't know how long he had been doing that but I found out when my oldest son (about 14 at the time) went to get on the computer and yelled Mom why is there a craigs list add on our computer titled MILF?  I could have died, when confronted my husband just brushed it off like nothing, told our son we must of been "hacked" and then told me I should be flattered that he wants to show me off to other men, what's the problem.  I also over the years found out that he recorded us in bed more than once and had to DVD's hid in the house, he also put little tiny spy cams in the house that recorded me from time to time when he wasn't home.  He begged me for threesomes, begged me to send naughty pics to men he found on line, he would even share our sex life with a few of his "friends".  I never understood the things he was doing because he was always so jealous why would he be doing this?   It only fed his jealousy and accusations of me cheating... .   My two youngest confided to me that they caught dad masterbating.  When I spoke to him he apologized and said it only happened once.  Thought they were busy playing games and wouldn't look under the door... .(WHAT!)  Soon I found out it was more than once, after I exploded and threatened to leave him he promised he would never do it again.   I don't have any desire to be intimate with him, we have gone 9 months at a time without having sex.  After what he has done and maybe still doing?  I find sex repulsing. 

I had referred to sex with my xh as whore sex. A better way to describe it is the power and control he needed. No love involved.  I endured a constant of accusations of cheating.  If he couldn't find a man to accuse he started in that I must be gay .  All this to make me afraid to talk to anyone. Men or women.

Then from here, I learned what "projection" is.  That helped connect the dots of his PD's

If I was you I wouldn't give in to any sex with him anymore. (Std)

It's sad that he had cancer , as for anyone. But that cannot be a FOG , fear, obligation, guilt, to stay in a bad marriage. Just because he had cancer does not give him a right to do what he does to you. You took care of him, got him back to health , now what about your health ? Does he care about your health?

What if something else happened to him now , then you would be staying again.

Thank you Whirlpoollife, I will look into projection. 

I told him over a year ago I don't want to have sex with him or anyone else, sometimes he seems understanding and says he's sorry he knows he did this to me.  Other times he guilt trips me saying he doesn't feel wanted or loved and he wants to be close to me and sex does that for him. He stresses how sex is VERY important for a marriage I have given in a few times in the last year, but then he just wants more or gets depressed afterwards and tells me he can tell I am not relaxed and enjoying being intimate with him.  I understand the whore sex you mentioned.  That's how I felt, I was his puppet in more ways than one, makes me sick.

As for my health he never used to, he would push to have sex shortly after the kids were born etc.  I knew it was his "need" but he would tell me because he LOVED me so much he needed to be close to me.  After having a c-section I had a blood pocket build up and it burst one morning while I was getting my oldest ready for school.  I had to have him drive me to the dr office while my Mom watched the middle child and baby at home.  He complained all the way there saying he didn't have time for this today, to many things to do etc.  I started crying and told him I was sorry and that I was scared.  We got home he dropped me off with my Mom and kids and left to do his "farm" stuff.  I have been sick with the flu for the past few days and he's been bending over backwards to help me.   I appreciate it, but I keep thinking he's been ok this past week because I've been home bound where he likes me to be?

I know I should of left many years ago and yes I stayed due to the FOG you described. I should of left when I found the recording devices, it would of been the best time to leave but I didn't... .I know this is wrong but I keep waiting to catch him again so I can have a "reason" to leave him.

Hi Changed,

I'm glad you found the site  :)

It might help to read some of the Lessons on the Staying/Improving board, just so you can mitigate the conflict while you're in the home, and maybe get some help making sense of his sex addiction (it's usually driven by anxiety, though I know that's not much consolation). And some of those skills can help you weather the storm of divorce if that's what you decide to do.

I thought about leaving my ex for about 4-5 years, and the took a year to plan and put things in place. My ex was a former trial lawyer so I felt the need to be three steps ahead of him if I was going to make it out intact. I'm glad I did that, and encourage you to put together a plan because it can really help when/if you press the go button. Things can and do get hairy there for a while. This article about the psychological and emotional stages of divorce (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271676.msg12577883#msg12577883) says that it takes family members approximately four to eight years to recover from the emotional and financial expense of a bitter adversarial divorce. That matches up with my experience. It took me about 4 years to feel like I had righted the ship, although my ex was very litigious (he represented himself) and that kept us in court more than the average high-conflict divorce.

Since your ex is so controlling, you're smart to access this site only from work. Does he ever lock you out of the house or do anything to make you think he'll close in on you? If so, you might want to get a credit card in your name only and keep it at work. My ex tried to get me off all the credit cards and that's what tipped me off that things were escalating. The day the credit card company called to ask about freezing me out of the account, I left.

I also got a storage locker and put enough clothing and anything I or my son might need an emergency. My ex had a way of extending the silent treatment to locking me out of the house, so I had a storage locker just in case I needed access to clothing for work and whatnot. I also had a PO Box in my name, and a prepaid phone. I got all of that when I started to talk to lawyers. You can consult with two or three and ask questions -- sometimes it's free, other times they will charge you and then waive the cost if you retain them.

No matter what you do, whether you stay or leave, document everything you can. I entered things into Google calendar, even small things like abusive emails, text messages. Things that happened in the family, to my son, to me. Appointments. I was able to pin emails to Google calendar but I can no longer remember how. When I needed to sort through the chronology of what happened, I printed out the Google calendar as an agenda and out came this very organized flow of events. I found it really helped my sanity, not to mention it made me very credible in court.

You may want to find out the laws regarding recording devices, too. If he's doing this kind of thing now, he will try other ways. My ex installed Google latitude on my smartphone back in the day, and tracked me with it. I eventually found it -- what made me so angry (other than being tracked like that), is that the software was glitchy, so my ex suspected me of lying when I wasn't. I couldn't figure out why suddenly he was so paranoid and accusing me of lying about dumb things like going to the supermarket. Anyway, past behavior is a predicator of future behavior. I suspected my ex installed surveillance software on my son's phone after the divorce, and used it to record conversations. That's a whole other story! It turns out that is a felony to install that software on a phone you don't own. It came up as leverage and that's as far as it went -- a warning shot. I doubt I would've had the heart to follow through with charges.

I had a good lawyer, and a good judge. Other people involved in my case were also good -- the parenting coordinator, therapists, and even my ex's lawyer before he withdrew. Even so, this site was a life saver and I encourage you to reach out to us. We've walked in your shoes, and will walk alongside you as you work through this. You're not alone. 

LnL

Sorry to hear all of that livednlearned but you must be a very smart and strong woman, I am happy that you and your son were able to break free  :)

He hasn't locked me out of the house and to my knowledge isn't hiding anything financially (I process our information for taxes and pay the bills, so it would be a little hard for him)  When it comes to money he hasn't been controlling.  He is pretty sly when it comes to his control, majority of the accusations and "fishing" for information happen when we are alone so no one really sees it.  My Mom and sister have over the years, my sister is a child counselor and has told me more than once that my husband suffers from borderline personality, anxiety and depression and says he isn't going to change without extensive counseling.  Which he refuses, he considered our marriage counseling a "pick" on him sessions and found them useless.  He would tell me things that the counselor would tell him during their private sessions and expect me to buy it.  Like... .Dr. X said we should have sex several times a week, it would help us bond.  :)r. X said if you would try looking at things differently you wouldn't be so stressed about our relationship.  So during our group sessions I would call him out in front of Dr. X on many things he would tell me and Dr. X would asked my husband about the comments and that he needs to be more careful when communicating or come out and say he didn't recall ever stating that.  My husband eventually got tired of me telling the "truth" during our sessions and refused to go any more stating it wasn't doing us any good.  My last session I had by myself was probably a year ago, the counselor went from let's make this marriage work to your husband isn't going to change, you need to decide whether you continue the marriage or to leave.  If you leave I have concerns about your safety, do not make any decisions without talking to him (Dr X) or someone that can help me go through the process safely.

I am paranoid daily that he has found another way to track/record me or having ppl watching me.  He checks our cellular bill, personal e-mails, facebook and God only knows what else.   When I found the device in my van, I said did you "hear" anything that would even lead you to the idea I was "cheating" "lying" or "sneaking" around - he said No.  He said he couldn't help himself, every time he would remove the devices and listen to it he would say I am not doing it again, only to find himself sneaking in the garage to put it back in.

Today is my first day back to work, he's already texted me two times making sure I am ok... .but tonight it will be nonchalant questions and fishing until he gets whatever information he thinks he needs.  I will check out the staying/improving board, thank you thank you for the support!

I meant to put in my earlier posts on how to handle his quizzing or as I call it "fishing" for information.  There are certain people he doesn't like me talking to (our former friends, one of which he has known since grade school).  Out of the blue in mid conversation or during supper etc he will say, so have you talked to "John" recently, or what do you think about John's situation?  When I ask what situation he will say didn't he tell you, figured he did?  I will respond by saying I haven't talked to him... .then it will turn into... .I know you've talked to him or he has messaged you at work etc.  Whether I have or haven't talked to him or some others I still get the riot act.  He does the same to them when they speak, so most of them won't contact him anymore, which upsets him further.  I work with one of our former friends and he has really effected my work environment, her husband will come and see her and will just pop his head in my office and say hi or ask how I am doing.  Very innocent, but he still will quiz me.  Did you talk about me, did you talk about us, did they say anything about me?

Also, I enjoy playing different games on my phone - Word Find, Trivia etc. sometimes with people from work some friends I've had for years.  I know he must still get on my phone because if I have started a new game with anyone female or male, he will ask... .have you seen Jane lately or how is John Doe haven't seen him for a while.

How do I handle this? Any suggestions?  I used to just let it roll off my back, I have asked for him to stop quizzing me it makes me uncomfortable, I've gotten upset and told him to STOP.  But, he says he has the right to know because he is my husband and we are to share everything.  Thanks in advance.

The best place to ask for this support is on the Improving board. Even if you plan to leave, the skills you learn there can help diffuse some of this conflict and make it a little less intense for you.

Improving board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

Ultimately, whether staying or going, we have to assert boundaries and that can feel uncomfortable if you are conflict avoidant, especially the kind of conflict that can go with someone BPD who is undiagnosed or untreated. Most of us are here because we had weak boundaries, and they became weaker over time. 

I'm a great proponent for marriage.  However, when it has become dysfunctional, unhealthy and in come cases risky, then the person has to decide what to do.

In general, if the marriage is to survive then there should be positive sharing but not quizzing or interrogations.  Even in marriage there is a certain amount of privacy or confidentiality that is proper.  For example, if Jolly Jane tells you she's pregnant but to keep it a secret for now, then you have a right to keep it confidential, even your spouse doesn't have a right to know such confidences, etc.

On the other hand, if the marriage is deteriorating and you've concluded the marriage may end, then you have to be doubly careful about sharing information.  There are various reasons.  Top of the list is that some of the information shared (or divulged under interrogation or guilting) could put you at a distinct disadvantage or could enable the other to sabotage you, whether financially, materially or emotionally.  For example, if your spouse pressured you into saying you're going to divorce, then the spouse may drain the accounts, hide assets, badmouth you to neighbors, friends and family, file false allegations of abuse, etc.  See why you need that Boundary?  "I decide what I feel is appropriate to share.  Period."

Be forewarned that setting firm Boundaries typically triggers reactions and overreactions.  probably in the past you've been compliant and appeasing.  Any significant change and you could face a variety of obstructions.  Your spouse may redouble efforts to wheedle, pressure, guilt, finagle or demand the information from you.  Some spouses have even used computer spyware, broken into password-protected computers, locked briefcases, locked trunks/boots, offices and other places.  People with BPD (pwBPD) generally don't respect others' boundaries, they are only concerned about their own selves, their own perspectives, their own perceptions and their own interpretations.  Sad but true.

Boundaries are especially important if you're contemplating a divorce.  You have a right to confidential consultation with family law attorneys.  You have a right not to share your prospective actions since there would be high risk of being sabotaged.  You have a right to say, No.  You have a right to say, Stop.

Doesn't mean your spouse will agree or comply.  If there has been DV contemplated or threatened in the past, then the time of separation is an especially urgent time to be careful, protected and have access to resources, help and, if need be, rescue.  You may never have called the police before, but keep it in mind if things get dicey.  Probably best not to use the "family lawyer" of course.  Your lawyer, if you have one already, should be able to give you solid local advice.  And any lawyers you consult with would be legally obligated not to share your confidential information with others, especially your spouse.

Changed, so glad you have kept coming back!

As you can see you have the benefit of some real veterans on this board.  If you do not already have one, I suggest you begin looking for a counselor to help you through this very difficult time in your life.  Like you I had to hide things from my now ex wife, for fear of the explosive reaction, endless questioning, guilting comments.  I started seeing a counselor about once a week over my lunch time at work.  I stopped in and explained to my boss a little bit of the situation and that on those days I would be coming in early or staying late to make up the time.   He was very supportive to say the least.

Over the course of about 18 months I began to realize how much my ex thrived at controlling not only me but all the kids, and just how topsy turvy the world had become.  As ForeverDad stated boundaries are how we start to regain sanity in our lives.  After the abuse and conditioning you have been subjected to over the years, it is not uncommon to feel guilty or conflicted about taking these steps - it might be opening your own bank account, switching to separate phone company, creating alias email accounts.  pwBPD are tuned to play on those emotions and use them to maintain their position of control - they seek and thrive in chaos, while most of seek peace.

You are going to to need some allies to help you along the way.  Trusted friends or family whom are loyal to you.  They will be your sounding board, your shoulder to cry on, your emergency space if you need to leave.  You may feel afraid or embarrassed to share your story with these people, and you may even find some who judge harshly.  But if they are truly close to you, more likely you will find that not only do they have a pretty good idea of the hell you have been living, they have just been waiting for you to reach out.  Again, you have likely been abused and cowed into sacrificing yourself for the sake of trying to ease the impact on kids and keeping the peace at home.  It will take some time to realize that more you stand up for yourself, the better person and parent you become.