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Thank you all for your support. Today's been difficult. I woke up to a text message today from a friend. Turns out my ex is now on her second boyfriend since me. I guess she tried to pursue Nick and it didn't work. So she moved on to some other poor SOB.

This isn't fair. She's off having "fun" and I'm here scared to death I'm never going to be able to love again.

I've told my friend I don't want to hear about her anymore. I don't know why they even told me.


I feel like giving up.

Hey gundam.

The one thing I do know is pwBPD are never really happy, I know my ex was and always will be a wreck. Hang in there, focus on you even if a few minutes of self care. Call a good friend, family member, someone who loves you. Nights are always the worst for me, trying to relax, stopping the intrusive thoughts about or exs, be positive and respect yourself. These people are never happy, just empty shells needing something or someone to make them feel alive.

I'm sorry you feel so bad but you have had better days and you will again. One day, one night at a time.

Hang in there, prayers for you

I had a hard day too, gundam. I got through mine by intentionally taking a few minutes here and there to breathe, and by finding/giving myself a few moments of peace to not worry about/ruminate about things. I don't need that every day anymore, so I guess that's progress! It really helps, and I think it's a process.

Not a linear one necessarily, but a process!  

Hi gundam94,

It is ceranly difficult to end anything, let alone a relationship, a mourning is in place and it should be loved accordingly... .

I changed a phone #, our mutual friend contacted me via FB, and asked my new # since she wants to visit me. I told her that I am in delicate situation, and when she comes to my city she can contact me via FB, and I don't want to put her in temptation to give it to him. I said I may be overreacting bit I just need to control the access by anybody with me. I also told her that I do t want to hear anything from her about him, no matter what it may be.

IF, that boundary is crossed I would immediately erase that person out of my life. I see that now I need friends, not marriage counselor.

I never talk about my ex outside of therapy, even when asked, I say that I am working on it and not ready to talk about it.

This attitude gave me a lots of peace. It is harder, but less hard than to get into gossip, which even in the time of peace leads to frustration,,let alone in mourning time... .

Best to you

Jox

Thank you... .all of you. I don't know why but I am not handling this well... .it truly is a strange feeling to wish for death.

What did I do to deserve this? I feel like I'm being punished. I try to be a good person. I try to do good things. I try to treat others the way I'd like to be treated... .and life gives me her... .someone who promised me the world. Someone who said she'd give me the happily ever after I have always wanted. Only for it to be destroyed by the one person I didn't think could or would. The one person who said she'd never leave me. That she'd love me forever. Only to throw me away like a bag of trash... .

I gave my ex everything I had, except my life.

Don't give yours away either Gundam.

My ex lost her humanity a long long time ago.

She can not take what I won't offer.

She's dead and just wants to take me down with her.

Hang in there Gundam, better days await us

I've been through 4 years of this, trust me, trust others here too

Thanks Jerry. I really am trying. One of the reasons I'm taking this so hard is because ever since childhood I have been, at least it feels like it to me, the butt of life's joke. I was the kid that was always picked last. Would invite everyone to his birthday party but hardly got invites to others. I was bullied, picked on, was an outcast. I tried to be every bodies friend but had few actual friends. I followed my dream in college to be a police officer. All I've ever wanted to do was to help and protect people. I tried for 5 years to be a cop, but was met with failure after failure. I'm now doing what my dad does for a living. Something I swore to myself a long time ago I'd never do... .now I have no choice and I feel trapped.

As I got older, to girls I was the "I wish I could find a guy like you" guy. But when I'd ask them out I'd get "I just want to be friends". I've worked so hard for everything but I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels, while I watch other people succeed with very little effort. I've come to expect bad things in my life... .to the point where I can almost predict when it's going to happen. It feels like for every good thing that happens, something 20 times worse comes later. I've come to be very careful about good things. Despite all of that I give selflessly. I try to act like a bad person, but I cant. My true nature, the truly good person who puts the needs of others before his own shines through. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "You try to put on a tough act, but you are one of the nicest people I have ever met". I am great with kids and I can't wait to be a dad.

But I thought all that changed when I met her. I thought I finally had found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I thought all that suffering I had been through my entire life was just to make finding her all the better. But nope, once again I was teased with happiness. I was teased with what I want most, which is someone to love. I was teased with the perfect happily ever after. I was teased with the perfect partner. Just to have it taken away from me in one of the worst ways possible. Instead of that I now have to deal with the fallout for years to come, while she keeps to get living her life the way she always has... .while I may never be the same again.

I feel like my purpose is to make other people happy while I suffer. I feel like I'm not supposed to find my happily ever after. I feel like I'm just supposed to help kids and never have kids of my own. I feel like I'm life's b!tch... .like I'm meant to take set back after set back... .I've been told "you make your own luck". I call BS on that... .I have tried and worked so hard for everything in my life and I honestly don't have a lot to show for it. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved. I feel like I'm not meant to be happy. I feel like I'm meant to suffer... .and I don't know why. It's like I was some horrible person in a past life and now I'm suffering because of it... .Where's my lucky break? Where's my happily ever after? Everybody I know says I'm a wonderful person... .then why can't I find a wonderful person to love me? If I'm such a wonderful person why did this happen to me? I didn't deserve this, nobody does... .

Gundam

First of all, here is a big hug 

I can totally relate to things you are saying. I have heard people telling me over and over that they can't believe that something like that would happened to me or that someone could be so wrong with me. I am of course not an angel or "the best thing that can happen to you" :)  but I know they keep saying it because I am always to the rescue for everybody and have always been my friends' ear and shoulder when they needed it.

I have been in counseling before I met my ex so I kind of knew what was going on but this experience with my ex has taken my personal awareness much further. It doesn't mean that the same applies to you but in my case, the reason I am always so empathetic to the point that makes some of my friends furious with how my ex has treated me has roots in my childhood. I was the one who needed empathy, support and understanding back then so I grew up to be the person I needed when I was a child. This is at least one of the reasons. So this procedure has made me realise that there are things that I need to acknowledge and process before I can have a healthy, equal and balanced relationship with somebody. And I think this relationship may be my turning point as it has brought all my issues right there in front of me and I am now in a position where I HAVE to work on them while I am struggling to detach from my ex bf. And I do feel that this experience may be what I needed to get more in touch with myself and be ready for real and healthy love.

Sorry for rumbling but I hope you can understand that what I am trying to say is that maybe you also need to search deeper and maybe then you can understand why inspite of all your kindness, pure intentions and true and genuine feelings you still feel like you haven't been "appreciated" for who you are by the people you wanted the most. Maybe you too need to love and care for yourself the way your friends love and care for you and the way you love and care for others before you can have the relationship you are so worthy of. How does this perspective sound to you?

Sorry, wrong button... Will post with my pov later. Hang in there 

Big hug to you gundum  

You're in a hard place at the moment but can I risk boring you?

I'm much older than you so I look back on life through many decades. I can remember times when I felt like you - as though I was at the end of a cul de sac looking at a brick wall. That nothing would ever improve and that this would be my life forever, nothing would change and I was stuck in this horrible dark place for the rest of my life. But it wasn't so.

Life goes in patterns, up and down, around and around. When I take the long view back life does change and change again. Please believe this, however dark it may feel at the moment, your life will change. And for the better. Sometimes we instigate the change by self-awareness (with the help of therapy), sometimes it just comes out of the blue. But it changes. And as we grow older we get more strength and the ability to see ahead rather than what's in our face at the moment.

When you feel that you were just put here to help others, have a look at all the posts from your friends here who care about you, who want to help you. We may be at a distance but we are here. When you start to develop more self esteem you will be more selective about who you invite to be close to you, you'll recognise those that are not worthy of your friendship more quickly and you will feel more in charge of your life.

I send you another hug and keep posting here. Chin up, forward, there is different way of being - waiting for you to explore it.  

I'm with Penelope35 on this. This relationship came into your life because you wanted to be loved *so* much. And you wanted to be loved so much because of your childhood. If you want to be loved that desperately you ignore any signs that this person might be bad news and you accept behaviour you shouldn't. I know what it feels like to be bullied and to crave love, same story here. Those feelings, that start in life, has set me up to be in relationships with BPD/NPD *all* the time. I need to fix that. I need to fix me.

Apart from that, there is no justice or rule that dictates bad stuff happens to bad people and good stuff happens to good people. That is Disney thinking. We're all brought up in that way of thinking but it is time to let it go now. Bad stuff, good stuff, it just happens randomly to bad and good people. I agree you can't create your own happiness in the sense that things happen randomly for no reason. The people that happen to walk down the street the same moment you are, an illness that enters your body, if you just happen to be somewhere where someone lets a bomb go off, that part of life is random. Whether you're a good person or not.

But, I can control the impact of what happens to an extent. I can react in a good way or a bad way to being ill. I can listen to my intuition about a guy, or not. I can condone his behaviour or not.

We (that includes you) crave love so much, that that random pwBPD walking down the street will not walk past but will pause and speak to you. They crave too and feel our craving. We crave love so much, we will ignore our intuition that this is not the one for us. We crave love so much, we will believe anything they say. Accept anything they do.

We have done nothing to deserve that. We just happen to be born with a sensitive character in families that cannot give us what we need. That wrong start snowballs. Another bad experience makes you more sensitive, makes you crave more. The same goes for pwBPD.

The only one that can stop your snowball from gathering more and more snow, is you.

The person that can make your past disappear like snow melting in the sun doesn't exist. The only one that can sooth your craving for love is you. Not someone outside of you. Fairy tales where you will live happily ever after don't exist. Living happily requires hard work from people who've had a wrong start. And 'ever after' is BS. Bad things happen to happy people too. Cinderella and Prince Charming never argue, real people do. Including the happy ones.

This person was not your Cinderella. There is no judge behind the scene that keeps tally and says "finally! Gundam94 has reached his quota for suffering! Well... it took him a while, but now he has reached it I can flip the happiness switch and give him his reward!" Stop thinking you are suffering for someone to give you a reward. Stop your suffering by working on you, heal from the past, your childhood, her, everything. Be your own reward.

You did not find the perfect partner. You found the partner that perfectly matches your needs, your wounds, your cravings, your emotional development because hers are the same as yours. Two wounded souls together is a recipe for disaster.

Nurse your soul so the next partner is a less damaged one. Don't expect your next partner to be the answer to everything or your saviour. That load is too heavy for anyone.

Thank you my friends. I just want to say I don't expect a reward or recognition for the things I do... .it's nice but it's not my goal. I just like making other people happy.

I've just had so much, I guess "bad luck" in my life, I honestly had given up on finding someone and had accepted the fact that I'd be alone. Then she came into my life, I thought that this was my lucky break. Only for it to be a tease... .it feels like I've been kicked out of the promised land.

I do take some comfort in the fact that she will compare every romantic partner to me. I was her first boyfriend, her first sexual partner... .I've said this all before... .my psychiatrist agrees with that.

My boss found me crying today. He knows what's going on and asked if I was ok. I updated him and told him that I feel so worthless. That it hurts so much to be thrown away like trash. That it hurts so much to be replaced so easily. My boss told me I haven't been replaced. The fact that things didn't work out with Nick and she's already on to the next guy says I haven't been replaced. It says that she's trying to find someone that can give her what I gave her. It says that while she may no longer want to be with me, she is searching for someone just like me. Which she won't find and will probably realize it to late. The people I confide in at work agree with him. They all agree (my psychiatrist too) that she will realize I cannot be replaced and try to come back into my life. I'm terrified of that day.

As for my soul... .I don't know how to fix it. This is the first time I have ever felt like this for someone. I don't know how to stop loving her that much... .she was/is so important to me... .I don't know how to detach myself. 

As silly as it may sound... .I'm turning 30 this year and it terrifies me. Even more so now that I'm alone. At least with her I had my future planed out. Married by 32, dad by 36... .and so on. Now I have nothing and I'm terrified I'm to old (yes I know it's silly) to find someone again.

And I know the Disney happily ever after isn't real. That's not what I meant, at least not really. I knew we'd have our ups and downs. I knew I'd hurt her and she'd hurt me. I knew we were going to have our fights, both big and small. I knew we'd have to face extremely difficult challenges. But as long as she was by my side... .no matter what happened it was my happily ever after. That's how much I loved her... .all I wanted was her. Nothing else mattered.

That's not what I meant  *)

It's as if you wanted someone to love as your reward for suffering in the past. As if your suffering was something you needed to go through to find her at the end as your reward. Life doesn't work like that. There is no higher reason for suffering or a reward for going through it. You have built her up to enormous proportions by seeing her love as the reward for past suffering.



There is a difference in detaching from her (current wound) and nursing your soul from past wounds. Past wounds created the perfect breeding ground for a relationship with a pwBPD. If you can heal from past wounds you can prevent a recycle with her or a relationship with another pwBPD.

But I think you're still way too attached to her to even think about healing the wounds that happened before she ever came along. I think you will take her back in your current mindset.

Can you explain what it is about her that you love so much? So, REALLY things about her, not things as 'the way she makes me feel' as that is about you and not her. What about her personality, her character, is it that you love so much?

Honey, I'm 65 and from where I am, 30 is just the threshold of life. Although I can remember feeling dread when I left my twenties!

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans" - so true.

There is another take gundum: That you experienced this terrible pain at a young age (although it may not feel like it  ), with enough time to recover with the help of your therapist and your psychiatrist and this board - and the knowledge of BPD. That is a gift, believe me. I've been involved with three disordered men, before the internet and before personality disorders were discussed - I had no idea what I was involved with and not much awareness of myself. You now have the opportunity to reframe your life, it'll take time but you'll get there with the knowledge and self-awareness to avoid PDs in the future.

That might sound impossible to you at the moment. I empathise with you because the feelings you are describing are what I had last summer. My first brush with a BPD and I was floored. But it does get better, little by little the raw wounds start to heal.

You invested so much in your ex, you deserve better than what she could offer you and, in time, you will find it. That she is already on her second replacement indicates that she's not having fun at all. Sometimes when we  split with someone we have a "fantasy" - that their live is great and our's isn't. It's like picking at a wound. But really all we see is what they choose to project, and BPD is not conducive to happiness - whatever it looks like.

Go forward gundum, there is a good life waiting for you.  

Good evening Gundam,

I was in exactly the same position you are in right now, my woman left for another jock and I tried to make the whole world a better place... .always helping, charming and doing "the right thing".

But since I am here in this message board I have learned that beeing good is just not good enough regarding to love.

I literally became an ass, my life has changed 180 degrees. I quit my day job and went straight to the gym, everyday. Bulking up I met several new girls who are willing to pay for my lifestyle, I easily got a new wardrobe and I am saving on a new car right now... .I have developed more confidence and can easily go get a new job just by getting into the company.

I found where I was wrong, if you start acting like an idiot and have the balls to be yourself she might come back.

Hang in there gundam94. I've felt that hopeless feeling before. It's the worst feeling in the world possible. The feeling like something is wrong with you. That feeling is the worst in the world, like no energy to go on.

You will pull out of it my friend. I'll pray for you tonight because i know how sad and dark that feeling is. But just know the universe is on your side. We are all in this together. There is nothing at all wrong with you, god and the universe are in you, always and they are going to help you pull out of this, all you got to do is keep believing this. Love yourself because you deserve it. You sound like an awesome guy, you are worthy of love, just know this and tell yourself it everyday my man. i'm here for you man... .god bless

-jc

Bibi:  You're absolutely right. I didn't realize that's how my thought process worked until I read your words. That is exactly how I view things. I have always believed in “good things happen to good people”. Not saying I'm being a good person just so good things happen to me. I really do feel like I'm “owed” something good from life because all I have been through. I know other people have had much harder lives and it sounds like I'm some spoiled kids kicking and stamping his feet because I'm not getting my way. That's not how I want to come across. It just feels like every time I take a step forward I get pushed 4 steps back.

Yes. I am still very attached to her. I am in constant war with myself over this. I love her but I hate her. I miss her but I'm glad she's gone. I desperately want her back and I hope I never see her again….I have extreme ups and downs. Everybody keeps telling me all I need is time.

As far as why I'm so in love with her? I could list all of the generic she's smart, funny, etc. All I can say is she was just like me. Rough childhood. Outcast. Picked on and bullied. Very smart. Talented. Forced to grow up to early. We are both geeks. Like video games. Liked walks and nature... .same sense of humor. It was like we were made for each other. The chemistry between us was off the scale. It was like everything you've read about finding your true soul mate. But I don't know what was real anymore. I have begun to question every single thing about her. I've said this before but the woman I've known for 4 years, the one I fell in love with would never and could never do what she did. I know people change but to completely become another person in 2 years is pretty extreme. At the end of our relationship it felt like I was dealing with a complete stranger.

Troisette: I know it sounds silly in the big picture. I'm just nowhere near where I thought I'd be when I'd be turning 30. I thought I'd be a soldier, ether being a soldier for a career or just doing 6 years and out. But a medical condition disqualified me. I thought I'd be a police officer but 5 years of trying has gotten me nowhere. I thought I'd be married and be just starting a family. But... .yea.

And yes, I did pour so much into my ex. I poured my heart and soul into my relationship. I am very thankful for you, this board and everyone else here who has been helping me. If it wasn't for all of you I'm pretty sure I would've been consumed by my sarow.

My roommate found me crying today and said pretty much the same thing. He said that she's already done with Nick and onto the next one says she's not over me. He said it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, doesn't want to admit she made a mistake and wouldn't be surprised if sometime in the next year she tries coming back. And yes I do have that fantasy of her being so happy and carefree now that I'm gone. I honestly don't know how she's feeling. I don't know how she viewed me anymore. It really doesn't matter but I still wonder how she feels about me now.

Rico: I have been going back to the gym. I'm not going to change who I am.

Jc: Thank you. As strange as it may sound, I'm rather angry with God right now. I feel like he's just playing with me. Teasing me the “promised land” only to kick me out of it. While my belief in God may differ from most... .I still believe in him. And if he truly has a plan for me, I really want some answers.

Hi gundam94.

  Your posts on this topic really speak to me. They reflect how I feel, my thought process and what I'm up against, so I decided to drop by and leave a comment. I'm a little further along the road than you (about nine months out), but still struggling very very much.

  Unlike you I was not my ex's first, but I was her longest relationship by far (six years as opposed to a myriad of 'one year or less' relationships she has had prior to me). In fact, I'll go so as far as to say ours was the closest to a normal relationship she ever got. I don't know if that has any relevance in the mind of a BPD person. Probably not.

  My ex left me for someone else, then left that someone after a month or two. Now I suspect she is with someone new. I am blocked, have been for almost half a year and will probably remain blocked and painted black for good. This hurts a lot. 

  When it comes to BPD people, I think a lot of their coping mechanisms come down to what we all know as 'distraction' and 'avoidance'. When a normal person is in pain or just depressed, distraction becomes the first line of defense for most of us. Arguably it is not the best way because the source of the pain/inner turmoil remains buried deep under whatever we're using as a distraction. For instance, if I'm struggling with the pain of my breakup and I reach for the bottle - alcohol becomes my distraction. But for BPD people I suspect that their whole way of living is one prolonged distraction from whatever lies at the very core of their trauma.

  From what I've read about BPD people, based on their behavior, I do not think they are happy individuals. The clues to their inherent unhappiness can be found in the way they behave. They are easy to snap at you because their minds are under constant strain. How many times have you heard her snap at others or at you? Calm people don't react in such a way THAT OFTEN. Calm people do react that way when under a lot of stress or when in pain; they react that way from time to time, but not so often. Hence, BPD people seem to be under constant stress (self-induced in most cases), not to mention perpetual pain. They indulge in excessive smoking, alcohol, drugs, sex because they crave that temporary relief these things bring, and they crave relief because of the pain they are feeling. Distraction distraction distraction.

  Recently I came across another (this time diagnosed) BPD person on the net and talked to her. What I've noticed about her is this need to stay busy. She said so herself - that she has to stay busy or otherwise bad things happen. I'll say it again... .Distraction, distraction, distraction. 

ALL the people I know (nons) who've consumed alcohol in excessive quantities did so while battling personal demons (death of a loved one, breakup, illness, serious family problems etc.). In fact, I bet you yourself can spot such behavior in you from time to time, whenever you are under serious stress or in pain. I myself crave food, sex, cigarettes far more when I'm unhappy. During my relationship there were times when I started picking my skin as the direct result of the stress caused by my ex's push-pull behavior, but for me these were isolated temporary falls. For a BPD person it is a way of living.

  Were we ourselves a distraction for our BPD lovers? I don't know. I think some of us might have been just a distraction, while others were those calm waters in their lives, before the sea started to churn and rage again.

 

  In the end, remember this: you've been subjected to unimaginable devastation. The kind of devastation that shook the very core of who you are. Not many people will understand the depth of your suffering, but we who visit this forum do. We know how real it is. We know how hard it is to detach.

  In the aftermath of the nuclear explosion this BPD person has caused in your inner world, for the first time ever you have a chance to glimpse their own chaotic inner world. Your emotions are all over the place in this post-apocalypse period, just like theirs are all the time. Your anger is magnified tenfold, just like theirs is and has been their whole life. Your longing and love is so strong that is hurts, just like theirs does. Alcohol, food, sexual desire seem like a good refuge from it all, but can never take away the pain permanently. For us this is a phase that will burn out and come to an end. The sea will calm down eventually, but things will never be the same. They will be different. We will be slightly different people. For them? For them the storm never stops. It's just one endless perfect storm.     

I just want this to go away. I don't want her in my mind anymore. I don't want to see her face when I close my eyes anymore. I don't want to love her anymore. I don't want to miss her anymore. I want her gone... .I deserve so much better. I gave her absolutely everything and she completely destroyed me.

I don't want to cry over her anymore. She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve anything from me... .but I still feel so empty without her.

God I hate this... .I just want it to stop

Sorry to hear about what happened gundam. Slightly different direction from me. I still warmly empathise with what you're going through but it helped me to think of things in this way.

I hope your hand is okay.


Do you do any solo sport? Do you run / cycle?

Easiest way out of spirals like this can be to go for a good one. I've personally used it to smash funks like what you're clearly in. Yes, they've involved women and intense emotions. You should consider trying it. Once it felt so good, indescribably. Remember, the funk and our crazy-looking reactions, and massive sadness, and 'affection' we feel aren't wrong. It's what we do as nons in response to that.

Something lighthearted for you:

I went for a run once and my expw had intercourse with someone else. Bumped good ole uglies. She kept it a secret. I found out months and months later. Possibly even a year. That behaviour was wretched and as low as a clam. And I like clams. So maybe a tube worm. That's what you're 'missing out on'. A potential bag of rubbish. Remember a tube worm next time you're thinking of the intimacy. Don't end up loving tube worms okay. Get her out of your life while you're still young.


FraFra85's story might be useful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291870.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291870.0)

Thanks gotbushels. I'm going to try running again. I've been having a lot of dark thoughts lately and it's starting to worry me.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. My ups and downs are so extreme it's exhausting.

And my hand is doing much better. :)

  to you gundam.

Last summer I could barely function. I didn't know what hit me. I thought about him last thing before I went to sleep, I dreamt about him, I woke thinking about him and I couldn't get him out of my mind all day. It was agony - I wanted to evict him from my head but he was like a sitting tenant. And not paying any rent!

I'm six months no contact now and it does get better. He's still on my mind sometimes, but I do go hours without thinking of him and when I do it's not so lacerating.

Hang in there, you can do it. Glad your hand is getting better. 

That's pretty much how I feel almost every day. I want her out of my head so badly.

And thanks :)

I found out today that my ex told my friend about her new boyfriend. Knowing full well that friend would immediately turn around and tell me. It's like it's nothing but a game to her... .but my friend said "she always seems so sad".

Life isn't all peaches. Might as well confront it 

I suggest you do something more worthwhile with your time than play a hunger game with a BPD, but here's one way to look at it gundam.

(http://i.imgur.com/Pi3Vzv4.jpg)

I told my friend I no longer want to know what my ex is doing. I don't want to care anymore. The way I see it... .I told her how I feel. She left me... .not the other way around. I'm miserable now because of her. She's miserable now because of herself. BPD or no BPD... .she made the choice to leave. I did everything I could to change her mind.

Hang in there gundam, you have been a good friend to me when I needed help, I have confidence in you because you are in these forums and trying to better yourself. Keep healing :)

Gundam94 

You know, at some point we need to let go of anger. But maybe you haven't been angry enough. You seem a bit stuck in "it was amazing, she was amazing". We can tell you many times it/she wasn't but you might need to *feel* it. You know what they say: depression is inward turned anger. Time to let the anger go outward?

Make a list of all the crapy excrement she has pulled or made you feel. Read it. Put a pic of her on a punching bag or a dartboard and go for it! Not angry enough? Read the list again!

Come to the family here and write an angry post. Go totally berserk in it. The profanity filter will block the four letter words anyway.

Rip up phone books. Smash bottles. Empty ones preferably. Fantasize about hiring a hitman, like I did.

Anything to make the anger go out instead of in.

As long as you don't physically hurt yourself or anybody else, you can get as angry as you want/need to be.

2 years later and I still read my list from time to time. One of them is in my phone notes so it's just really accessible.

Guard your self-talk. Don't keep telling yourself you're miserable if you're more accurately just sad. Things like that.

I am angry... .incredibly so... .but I've been trying my hardest to surpress it. I battle with thoughts of hurting her. With hurting myself. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let my anger out. I don't like being angry. It consumes me. I don't fantasize about hiring a hitman... .I fantasize about doing it myself. There's a part of me who wants to make her suffer like she is making me suffer.

I'm terrified to let my anger out. I've never been this hurt before.

Thanks Jerry. That means a lot to me.

For me that explains why you've been feeling so low. Suppressed anger is very unhealthy.


Your mind is a free place. You are allowed to think anything you want. As long as you don't actual punch her, you can punch her in your mind all you want. You can punch a bag or a pillow and pretend it is her. IMO you suppressing your anger is leading to having thoughts about hurting yourself. There is no reason to hurt yourself.

What are you so afraid of? That you will not be able to control your anger? The longer you will suppress it the more uncontrollable it will become. Suppressing your anger is making it bigger, not smaller.

As long as you are just thinking angry thoughts, screaming into a pillow, taking it out on a punching bag, letting it out in a controlled environment where you cannot actually hurt her, what could go wrong? If it feels too big to deal with on your own, ask someone you trust to be in the room while you scream into a pillow or rip up phone books. Can you perhaps take boxing classes somewhere? Stop suppressing your anger. It's the suppressing that is consuming you, not the anger itself.

With being so afraid of your anger you're doing (on a smaller scale) the same thing pwBPD do; "can't admit I've done something bad, that means I'm bad. Can't allow that feeling in. It's too big. If I let my fear in it will consume me. It will kill me. So, let's pretend it's not there and do something to suppress it. Ah... nice pile of white Columbian nosepowder, that will do me"


The longer you suppress it the angrier you will become. The more it will consume you.

I've done that too. So what? In my fantasy I was an excellent snipe shooter (don't want to get caught of course... ). I can fantasize all I want. As long as I don't actually do it, it's fine.

The longer you wait with letting your anger out in a healthy way, the bigger it will become and how lower you will feel.


Talk to your T about ways to let it out in a healthy way. In a safe environment. That will prevent you exploding at some point. The suppressing won't.

The emotion itself cannot harm you. Being angry won't kill you. Unless you have a weak heart and you turn into the Hulk.

Being angry and letting it out with the wrong people at the wrong time, that might end up less healthy. It's how you let your anger out, what actions follow the emotion that you need to control, not the emotion itself.

I'm going to try Bibi. And yes that is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid I won't be able to control my anger.

I... .I don't want to be an angry person. That's one of the things she said I did that drove her away from me. I don't want to be that person. I know I'm angry... .I've always been an angry person. I don't want to be anymore. I know her words were all lies but they still affect me a great deal.

I second  what Bibi said gundam.

It's good to feel anger, can be cathartic and  don't feel guilty about feeling it - turning it in on ourselves can be damaging. There are different ways of expressing anger, not all are destructive. Even nice, kind people feel angry!

When my ex was in the idealisation phase he constantly told me how kind and gentle I am. I always replied ":)on't mistake my kindness for weakness". It's possible to be both strong and kind.

He didn't believe me, thinking he could behave abominably and kind, gentle me would put up with it. It came back to bite him on the backside during the five months of game playing after our split when, although I was breaking up inside, I stood firm and would not capitulate and then when I went nc.

In order to help others, we have to know how to look after ourselves. It's an ongoing thing.

This may help you - I don't have the link but if you look up Dr Steve Jones on YouTube, one of his hypno vids is there. It's about breaking free of past relationships, I found it very helpful because it assists in letting go of the good memories, those memories that keep us bound to our ex.

Gundam it would help to find healthy ways to express anger like troisette suggested.

Try not to let the problems from the situations with your ex compound.

Remember that destructive outlets are not long-term solutions as the anger often returns.

So there's been something that's really been weighing on me. For the past month I've been writing an email to my ex. It's everything I have wanted to say to her. I sent it to a few friends that now me very well. I was told it wasn't mean. It was very matter of fact. It was very real and very truthful.

I sent it to her today. Her reaction was... .interesting... .actually it was funny. She didn't respond to me... .she went to my friend. The same friend that told me about her new boyfriend. It was "I'm terrified. He sent me a threatening email. He said horrible things about me. He said I'm b!tchy, I'm self absorbed. I know I'm imperfect. I don't need him to tell me that. Please don't tell him anything about me. If you ever cared about me please don't tell him anything about me. Tell him to leave me alone. I'm happy. Very happy."

I couldn't believe what my friend was telling me. It was so pathetic. She was playing the victim, like it was a play. It was unreal. I can't believe I feel in love with this woman. I can't believe I was going to ask her to marry me. I still miss her and still love her... .but it's for the woman I fell in love with. Not this horrible person she's turned into. She has changed over these past 2 years. She has become very elitest and entitled. It's a complete 180 of what she used to be. It turns out I'm not only one who's noticed it... .

Because:

I also found out the other girl we both loved like a sister, the one that's moving to Seattle, doesn't like her anymore. Turns out my ex has been ignoring her and treating her like crap. It makes me angry how badly my ex has treated... .let's call her N. N has struggled with depression her whole life. N was even hospitalized for it last her for 3 months. I stood by her, my ex didn't. I didn't know that. That makes me very angry.

I'm still upset. I still miss her. I still love her... .but it somehow feels good to have her react the way she did. It's a strange feeling. I don't really know how to feel. It's really strange to see her react like that with an eye on BPD... .her reaction fit it really well.

Hey gundam

I'm in AA

Step 9. - Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

My sponsor has discussed this many times with me, we both agree I'm not ready for making amends. He wants me to do this in person with her and I'm NO F*****G WAY!

One day I will, it is necessary for us (alcoholics) to clean up our side of the street to move forward. In these amends we concintrate only on things we did to others and do not mention the other persons faults whatsoever.

Exsmple: I was wrong for doing, saying, acting, a certain way.

The reason I bring this up is this is what I believe the only way anyone can communicate with an expbd. My ex sent me a text a while back stating she wrote a letter forgiving me.

See the difference? I cannot lose my dignity buy sticking only to what I did wrong, she's stuck in victim mode 24/7. I would give her no amunition to turn the tables on me and i walk away with peace of mind.

The only reference I make to her would be a small disclaimer stating these amends should in no way be interpreted as an attempt to be friends in the future or nor do I wish any contact with you beyond this point.

This allows me 100% control and leaving her bs in her lap, I've cleaned my conscience and she has nothing to manipulate me with.

I'm sure she will love hearing from me to stroke her ego but I'm commited to NC, if one day she becomes sane she may realize how much I loved and gave her and I'm not holding my breath.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm trying to empower you. I truly believe my ex loves being a victum. I'm not going to arm her any more, bounderies is one thing she has never respected.

Have a great night gundam

hey gundam94 

have you had an opportunity to read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I hope everybody had a happy Easter. I spent mine with family but it was still very difficult. I cried a lot. I do feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of me after sending my ex that email. I got everything off of my chest and it feels great. If anybody wants to read it I can PM it to you. I am never going to contact my ex again. I said what I needed to say.

I'm trying to go out and meet new people. I talked with my roommate and the next time he goes out with friends he said I'm more then welcome to tag along. I talked with my step sister. Asked her if the next time she and her husband get together with friends if I could tag along. She told me that all of her friends are either married or seeing someone.

That's when I realized that most of my friends are married as well. I realized that I'm probably not going to meet someone while I volunteer. That it's going to be difficult to find someone my age whose single. That kind of made everything come crashing down. Like I've said before, the only thing I have ever wanted is a family of my own. I am just so lonely. I am constantly told that I don't need anybody to be happy. That I should love myself and to a point I do. But I can't help thinking “why should I love myself if I can't find anybody else to love me”. I'm terrified I'm never going to find someone. I'm terrified I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to give up... .I want to give up so badly.

As horrible as it sounds... .she was the reason I went to the gym. The reason why I ate healthy. The reason why I took care of myself. Because I wanted all the time with her that I could get. No that I'm alone and I feel so awful... .I find myself thinking why would I want to take care of myself?

From your username I gather you are in your early 20s. You seem like a genuine and loving guy so don't beat yourself up.

It might not happen today, but I promise you this. You're going through the hell of heartbreak right now, your first thought in the morning his her, your last thought at night, you're feeling incredibly low days, thinking your world was going to end. At some point you learn to live with that pain, it just becomes a part of life and a memory that slowly fades.

Then one day you're gonna be out and about doing your thing when you meet someone and those feeling you had when you first saw your ex, that feeling of excitement will come rushing back. Except this time she doesn't even pop into your head, all you can think about is this new girl you just saw and all that pain you're feeling now will be long forgotten.

Thanks lunchbox. You're right. I think of her first and last every day. It's honestly my living hell that I'd give anything for it to go away. And I'm going to be 30 this year.

I'm sorry to post this again... .but I'm struggling again. I was told today that the kids and staff at my old volunteer post really miss me. That was very hard to hear... .because I miss them too.

I continue to reconnect with old friends and I'm trying to fill my time with things I like to do... .but there's still a giant hole in my life and in myself. I have a very supportive family, who I can and have been heavily leaning on. But I still feel so empty.

I opened an online dating account. Not to start dating, but to just meet some new people. I've been chatting with a few women. But I feel terrible. I feel like I'm cheating on my ex and I'm not even looking to date anybody. My T says that will pass in time... .I hope it does. The more I try not to think about her, the more I think about her.

I'm trying to let my anger out. It comes out as crying usually but at least I'm letting it out.

I feel so alone. I feel so empty. I have lost a person that was everything to me. I don't know how to just walk away from that.

It seems like I'm just posting the same thing over and over again... .and I guess I am. I just hurt so much... .God I miss her. I feel like a drug addicted. I need her so bad.

Don't feel bad about repeating yourself. We all do that. Healing, detaching is not linear.

You're trying to move forward, that's good.

Let's try and look at the staff & kids missing you in a different light. They miss YOU. They like YOU. Isn't that wonderful? The kids at your new volunteer job will feel the same soon. And at some point you might have to choose between the old (when she has buggered off) and the new. They will be fighting over you  :)

You're not cheating on your ex. She is your ex. You don't have to date though if you don't want to or if you're not ready. The feeling of emptiness will become less over time. At least you're out and about, you're not sitting behind the net curtains watching life pass by.

The more you force yourself not to think of her, the more you will. Stop forcing yourself. It might be more difficult at first, but if it does, if you think of her look at the list of things she did/was that you do not want in your life. It will become less.

At least you're letting your feelings out. Behind anger there is often sadness and fear. If this is the way for you to express it right now than that's fine.

You're not "just walking away". If you did you wouldn't be on this board.

You need to detach and every day you will do that a little more.

You don't miss her. Not all of her. You miss the nice times and things.

You are a drug addict right now and you're showing signs of withdrawal.

You don't NEED her. You want her. There's a difference. A junky wants his drugs, he doesn't need them, although he feels he does and even though the drugs will kill him.

Thanks Bibi. You always seem to say just what I need to hear and I very much appreciate it.

I'm not ashamed to say I am very very scared. The person I thought, no I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with is gone. I continue to learn just how badly she has treated people around her. I'm continuously surprised by how blind I was to everything. How I took everything she said at face value. How I hardly questioned anything. I'm still finding it hard to believe that I never really knew her or if she's just changed that much in these 2 years. The people that were once close to her (me, the 2 "little sisters" K & N, and her mother figure) have all agreed that she isn't the same person we all used to know. But then again the girl I fell in love with wouldn't do what she did... .

I just... .I just get so exhausted. I want to give up. I want to give up so badly.

You're welcome  *)


The girl you knew, the girl you fell in love with is only part of her. Don't fall into the BPD trap of seeing someone just as white (the start) or black (now). The black part was always there. She just didn't show it. She knows what happens when she does. She just can't suppress her black side for ever. So out it popped.

It's not that they aren't genuine, pwBPD. They just have a lot of conflicting and rapidly shifting emotions. They love you one minute, and mean it, and hate you the next, and mean it.


The roller coaster of the breakup can be as bad as the roller coaster of the relationship. Roller coasters are exhausting. Not to mention they make me feel nauseous...

Give up? And miss out on all the beautiful things life still has in store for you? Miss the places you'll, the people you'll meet? No way!

Your life is more than just this one relationship. She was just a passerby.

I'm going to sound like a drug addicted here but... .every day without her is torture. I feel so empty and alone. I miss her voice, I miss her smile, I miss the way her face would light up when she saw me.

I loved her with every part of who I am... .when she left it felt like she took everything from me. I feel like she took the best piece of me and I don't know how to get it back. I keep fooling myself, thinking that one day she'll see her mistake and come back. I keep fooling myself into thinking if she and I are truly meant to be together, then we'll be together. I want to believe this pain will stop in time but I honestly don't see how it can.

Does she have any idea what she's done to me? Does she have any idea just how much she's hurt me? Does she have any idea how much I love her or how important she is to me? She has hurt me so much... .I feel like a broken shell of a man. Like there's nothing left in me but emptiness, sadness and anger. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. She was my light. I am so lonely.

Hey gundam. I'm sorry to hear how things have been for you in the last day or so. Sometimes grieving a loss of a relationship can take some time. Girls sometimes eat ice cream with each other and watch sad movies. They also need to deal with their girl things. On the bright side, as a guy, you wouldn't normally have to worry about those things! :)

Different strategy from me. You mentioned lying and cheating are your dealbreakers. Doesn't it irk you when you think of her lying and cheating? Sometimes we would do best to be 'unkind' to ourselves in the short run to be 'kind' to ourselves in the long run. An example would be (in the short run) "it feels somewhat good to think about her", therefore one thinks about her. This may lead to a lot of sadness (in the long run). So we can cut that cycle by 'snapping' ourselves out of it and doing something positive. If you have the magical advantage of knowing where a batter is going to hit the ball, wouldn't it serve you better to run to that spot first? He's gonna hit it there anyway.

I advise against the icecream and sitting at home. :)

I'm sorry gotbushels. I don't really understand what you're saying.

Lol which part?

Gotbushels: Your second paragraph. And it really bothers me that she lied and cheated on me... .but at the same time my love for her over rules that. I guess I'm just a big idiot because I want to forgive her. I believe everyone deserves a second chance.


K just posted a picture on Facebook from 2 years ago. K, N, me and my ex are in it. We look so happy. It's brought back a lot of painful memories. God... I'd give absolutely anything, anything to go back to that time. I miss her so much. I just... .I just wish I knew what was going to happen. Just a glimpse into my future. I just want to know if I'm going to be ok. I just want to know if I'm going to be happy. I just want to know if I'm going to find someone I will love as much as her.

Hi gundum - I've been reading your posts since Easter. Seems to me that you are moving (although it might feel like trudging) along the the beginning of the path of recovery.

That may seem ridiculous considering the misery you describe, but you are also talking about feeling angry, you are questioning what happened, you are  making tentative steps to new connections.

All good! I recognise the swings, the feeling of pointlessness BUT you have taken the first step.

Chinese proverb: A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. In other words, considering a thousand miles is daunting. And it's not a direct route, but one step after another takes us there. Take heart, you've started your journey.  

I see. Not judging per usual gundam. I like how things have gone for you over the last few weeks as well.

Well I'm not going to go through the whole shebang here--out of my ability.

It's important to be particular about what things mean to you. Think about your boundaries. No rights no wrong, yeah? I want to help you think about what matters to you.

There are limits and boundaries. There is flexibility and there is rigidity, depending on the specific limit. Usually, there is no blanket rule. Good news is you are in charge of setting them for yourself. A dealbreaker is usually a term to terminate a relationship. 

"And it really bothers me that she lied and cheated on me... .but at the same time my love for her over rules that." Okay. This indicates that lying and cheating to you is a limit that is not a "dealbreaker". No worries. What your limits and dealbreakers are lays within you. The actual answer lays inside you. Recall we only have limits if we believe in them. The next step after that is enforcing them. At this point, it would benefit you to get clear on your limits. There is no right and wrong, but go and figure it out. It will help you to clear this up for yourself. It will help you resolve what is happening here and will protect you if this question comes up for you in the future. What if the next woman is the "love of your life" and she cheats on you, what then? How many times are you going to tolerate that? Once you've figured it out, on your own or with your T even, write it down.

"I guess I'm just a big idiot because I want to forgive her." No. Judging yourself isn't going to help you get clear on things that are healthy to you.



"I believe everyone deserves a second chance." Depends on your limit.