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Hi everyone, I've posted on here a few times.  The last time me and my now ex broke up was almost a year ago, and during that time she painted me black (told what little friends she has that I was abusive/tried to hit her) which is completely false.  She replaced me with a co-worker she works with, and that was short-lived, maybe a month or two, before she started trying to communicate with me, and really apologizing for how much hurt she had caused.  The odd thing I felt like was that when I opened the lines of communication and met with her, she was less and less apologetic about it.  We went to a counselor and she told the counselor that I was abusive... .  Obviously this infuriated me, but I truly felt she did it to manipulate me and the counselor, and it worked.  So we broke up again for another 2-3 weeks, during which time she called me because she had a flat tire and didn't know what to do.  I came and helped her fix it, and sure enough a few weeks later we were back together.

Fast forward to now.  The past 7-8 months or so have actually been pretty pleasant with minor fights here and there.  A couple weekends ago she broke up with me again in an absolute rage saying that I wasn't helpful enough and that she sees who I truly am.  Given how mad and outrageous the situation was I said ok, I'll respect your wishes and that was that.  Literally a week later she called me to apologize and told me she wanted to move in with me.  Ok, I said, although mentally I knew she was not going to move in with me (also because I didn't want that at this time).  So we're back together for another two weeks and then this Friday, she tells me after work she's going to dinner with one of her girlfriends.  I said ok I'll talk to you later.  No calls/texts after that.  The next morning I call her and she apologizes profusely for not calling me and said she had gone to bed early and had a ton of work to do.  I said no problem, let's talk later today.  No calls/texts again and I started texting her worried what was going on as the day grew later and later.  Finally at 12:30 am she calls me and just says we need to talk, but not tonight because I'm too tired, let's talk tomorrow.

So I go to bed worried about what she's going to say... .  didn't get much sleep and it really sucked not knowing what was going to happen.  Well the next day rolls around and she doesn't call or text again.  Finally halfway through the day she writes "i'm sorry - this is really hard.  i don't know what to say"

So i said, that's ok, at the very least can we please talk.

She wrote "it's very stressful, I've taken a lot of xanax today." so I responded with, "just be honest and tell me how you feel, it's the least you can do for me". 

The response I got again, "Not right now, please."  "I know you have an idea of what I've been disappointed by on more than one occasion"


I've sent her a few follow up texts asking her for the key to my apartment back (she should no longer have this), letting her know how much its hurting me to be ignored in such a way.  My family found out that she was on dating apps the week before this happened, and recently told me about that too.  Last thing I said to her was that I knew about the dating apps and that as far as I'm concerned it's the same thing as cheating, and that she cheated.

Still no response.  Do you think she is just manipulating me in this situation or does she have the capacity to completely shut it off like this - in such an inhuman way?  I at least deserve the courtesy of someone telling me it's over rather than to be ghosted after 3 years.

It could be manipulation, it could be she was with someone else and doesn't want to tell you as long as she doesn't know if this new person is a one-off or a replacement.

For now, I would stop texting. It doesn't help to push her and it only stresses you out; a text, no answer, another text, no answer, it builds up in your head and heart.

If you feel uncomfortable about her being able to enter your apartment, call a locksmith and have the locks changed. That way you are not depending on her to give the key back.

Try to stay calm, call a friend that can hang out with you at your place or somewhere else (depending on what feels good for you), try to distract yourself. Watch a movie, go for a long walk. Anything to step outside this situation for just a moment. 

One huge red flag you've got there, bizarrely for me now, and it shows the lack of trust I have in these folks, is the apology.

The last time mine apologised to me, I knew something was up.

It could be anything, it really could, so don't take this as gospel truth. But the last time mine apologised, it was the first apology in about three months and I knew, immediately, she was cheating.

She's trying to lay the blame on you already with that 'disappointment', but it's excusing herself in advance.

But you already know your answers, or you wouldn't be saying this here.

Well, yesterday I called her on the cheating and said something along the lines of "it has been so easy for you to break up with me in the past, what is so hard about this now?  is it because you cheated on me and are afraid to tell me?" 

I gave her the easy out and she actually DID respond to that "No! CTFD" followed by "almost wrecked" as she was driving at the time?

So I didn't respond for a little bit and then wrote her why do you want to cause so much hurt?  She responded with "stop harassing me", "I can't be with you" and "I'm Sorry"

I also let that slide for a while until my family told me that she had been on dating apps.  The last message I sent her was that I knew about the dating apps and that as far I was concerned she had cheated on me.

I don't know if she has blocked me or not at this point but I don't intend to write her anything further.  It's just very bizarre that she did this with no explanation whatsoever after everything we've been through.

Remember you are dealing with a child. In essence that's what you are doing.

She's done something wrong, she's essentially been caught. She's going to run away. You have been recycled, same as I was.

It was never going to last, treat it as a short fling rather than the resumption of a relationship. It kind of helped me stay sane. Don't look at three years.

And eventually, I hope we both will look at it and think do we want to devote time and energy to a woman who was on dating apps behind our back. Mine was too, by the way... .

I know she is as immature as a child and extremely selfish... .  She hasn't ever flat-out lied to me though, and it shouldn't be a problem for her to tell me she cheated on me if that really happened, or if there is someone else for that matter.  I can take it.   The problem is that I'm so unsure if that is the case or that she is doing all of this intentionally to make me wonder and hurt me in the process.  Oh and do you want to know what she was disappointed by me for?  Playing video games (which I play maybe once a week IF even that).


I'm so confused as to why she has been so open and honest with me and VERY abruptly that all changed.  She didn't even call me or text me to say it's over.  The last thing she said that indicated it was over was yesterday her saying "I can't be with you"

I have spent weeks and months trying to figure it out too. The truth is we are dealing with stunted and fractured minds, so we'll send ourselves crazy trying to relate. Like a kid, she might be revelling in the drama and the fact you're chasing her. I did that before, it was a mistake.

I got the silent treatment for six days at a time and I chased.

Later on I learned, just leave it, go dead, total radio silence. When they're not getting attention, they try something else, which means coming back. Or she just disappears, in which case she has something else going on and you're best off just cutting your losses. She'll be back when that goes sour, the only thing you can decide in the meantime is if you want to be her silver medal and her security blanket.

Thanks for sharing some insight Frustratedbloke.  I really appreciate it and having gone through hell and back with her several times already - this really might be the most logical explanation.  That she is doing it intentionally and playing manipulative games.  Because she is upset that I play video games sometimes.

She has hurt me countless times and I know there is something wrong with me for having allowed that to happen again and again, and to think that maybe it wouldn't happen this time.  Yet this one is arguably the worst because of how she has completely gone radio silent.  I don't think there is anger involved though because of how she apologized and said she was stressed/etc.  The first hint I got at anger was yesterday when she said "stop harassing me, i can't be with you, i'm sorry". 

I do think you're right though, I was so good to her and did so many things to her that she will inevitably come back at some point especially given how things were left off, so it's up to me to move on at this point.

Mine would have kept coming back, on her terms, every single time, she even tried to relegate me to 'friend' that does everything for her.

If it wasn't video games, it would have been something else. Once a week playing a PS4 doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world... .

You have to show her the strength at some point, that means stop chasing. If she comes back then maybe there's something there, if she disappears then you have your answer.

True.  I want to understand the situation and what lead her to make the choices she made over the past weekend.  I'm less concerned with whether I hear from her again or not but I doubt we'll talk again.  The amount of pain and trauma it causes to know that someone you love is intentionally ignoring you is really hard to deal with.  And when we look at that from an external perspective it seems like I'm being overly sensitive and need to be stronger.  Which may be true, but I deeply care for this woman.  And I know she cares for me.  Nobody can act and lie like that for 2.5 years.

It's cruel on her part to know I was hurting because I was worried and didn't know what was going... .  she knew that, and disregarded it more easily than I ever could imagine someone doing.  Just days before she was telling my mother how much she loved me and wanted to make me happy.  And now radio silence.  Am I foolish to think I deserve better than this?

Mine did it to me all the time and we definitely deserve better than that. Where we beat our heads against a wall and did the job worse than others was that we didn't demand better than that.

We both expected someone who is wired wrong to start behaving like a normal human being. We expected respect and they just can't give it, to themselves or other people.

The cold hard truth I am slowly coming to accept is that we gave them too much credit and no matter how much they disappoint us we keep going back to more. At some point, we have to just say: 'I do deserve better than this, this person is not good enough for me.'

It's a bad day, but the next day is better.

I shouldn't be upset about losing someone addicted to a slew of pills including adderall,xanax,anti-depressants, etc... .  and has been fired from her previous two jobs.  I tried to be her stability and tried to be there for her whenever I could.

It's sad that human beings are capable of knowingly attacking and hurting others.  I could never bring myself to do that to someone I cared about.

I think we get sucked in to the drama and the puzzle, it became more about winning that anything healthy for me in the end.

One day you'll look back on this girl and just shake your head. I know I will.

I know that time is going to make this so much better, and that I will look back and shake my head.  I'm just struggling internally with so many why? questions.  Why ignore me all weekend then respond, then tell me to "stop harassing" you, all the while not blocking me from anything, or removing any pictures, etc. etc.  It seems so weird to me, and I really haven't gotten a sense of anger from her other than the "stop harassing" me text.  She still hasn't responded to me calling her out on the dating app/cheating, and I don't think she ever will.

I feel dumb for even talking to her, but how should I have handled this? 

It sounds as if she was in a different mood every time she texted something. Hence the contradictions. Maybe she expected you to react differently. That might have made her feel as if she can't control you and triggered her anger

You can't know what mood she is in, you're not a psychic, so you can't adjust your words to her mood (if that is what you wanted to do, or even should do). So how could you know what the best way would be to have handled this? And would another reaction have given a different response? It's a guessing game. I think she doesn't even understand her own moods and words. So even asking her would probably not give you a real answer anyway.

Not blocking you? Just a way to keep you open as an option.

Even my ex after all his ranting and raving about me hasn't blocked me...

Thanks WoundedBibi - your words really make me feel a bit better.  Especially the part where you said she doesn't even understand her own moods and words and that she wants to keep me open as an option.  To impulsively break up and then a week later say "i want to move in with you" and then another week later break up again is exactly just that.  I think she does care about me and knows I care about her but you're right it's a guessing game as to why she did this in this sort of way.


Her abuse of pills is really sad though, I wish she didn't feel the need to take so many - including taking xanax on a daily basis when she isn't prescribed and doesn't have an anxiety problem.  I think this further complicates her