BPDFamily.com

Well, what can I say that hasn't already been so well written here by hundreds before me.  I've seen a therapist, read everything I can get my hands on, and watched every Youtube video that my eyes can absorb.  I'm exhausted and burned out.  I had a year long relationship and am quite sure she is BPD and may have a tiny bit of narcism.  I am not perfect, but I'm no cluster B.  I'm her because I am PISSED at being dumped and in such a bad way.  I want every moment, every effort, every long night, every bit of compassion I gave, and all of my splendid and expensive gifts (and money) back!  So pissed. 

Hi Averageguy1,

*welcome*

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. I can see how this would feeling draining. It will help you to talk about the break-up when you're ready.

Yeah 14 months here. Same deal.

Without causing anybody else any pain, just be glad you don't have kids, I'm assuming, and you're out with your sanity more or less intact.

We'll all recover, they won't.

I was going through my final email to her and it struck me that a good woman will really appreciate everything I am prepared to do for someone. A BPD, manipulator or generally toxic person will see it as an open door to abuse.

We won't get fooled again, but a good woman is going to think we rock. It will happen.

I understand... .right here with you... .we just have to learn to be careful who we give to and not to give too much. It's who we are, but it doesn't help us in the end. A friend of mine gave and gave to her exes and is now wishing she had all that back, because now she may lose her home at 72. We have to protect ourselves first yet, we seem to be happier helping others. It's fine to be angry... .use that to keep her away. Don't let her manipulate you back, because when you are really good to them- they will try again. It's a trap... .Be strong. Glad you are learning what you can... .as they say; knowledge is power.

Well... .you can't force her to get a diagnosis and even if you could, a lot of the experts don't even agree on the best way to diagnose someone. So she could be diagnosed as 1 expert as having BPD, the next as bi-polar, the next as NPD and another as having OCD and depression.

Basically there is no way you will know for sure.

You were hurt. You have a right to be angry about that. Whether she has BPD or not. Even if she has a Personality Disorder that means she cannot control her emotions and urges sufficiently, you can still be angry. The two don't exclude each other.

Huh? I was sure I was responding to Scopikaz on a different post 

Getting too tired obviously... Better sign off  *)

Hi AverageGuy1 - I think your anger is very normal.  For months, they love everything about you, can hardly stand spending time away from you, always positive and complimentary, patient, pointing out and appreciation your strengths and character.  They truely get you and love who you are.  Then one day, there is this intense overreaction over a minor occurrence and they look at you like you are the worst person they know.  It's personal, it isn't about the action or behavior, it is about you as a person.  It is so strong that they no longer care to have you in their life.  You are being dismissed.  You are being accused of things you aren't doing and would probably never do.  You look into their eyes and can tell they aren't just spewing nonsense because they are mad and are trying to hurt, they believe what they are saying about you.  You begin to second guess yourself and search to see if maybe you may have done something that could have been interpretted wrong that could justify this reaction. 

Then the next day, they smile at you or give you a flirty compliment.  This probably happens over and over before you start to catch on that it isn't you, but something is off in their thought process, the way they process emotions.  Before my partner was identified as having BPD traits, I would refer to conversations with him being worse than dealing with a "teenage girl on her period".  The emotional responses were just out of control.  Didn't matter what the facts showed... .of course your mad as you should be.  Talk about it, get through it, realize it isn't you and move on. Be happy.  She may have made your life hell for that year... .don't give her the power of ruining even one more day.  That's how you take your power back.  I still struggle, that's why I'm here but the anger is gone.  It's more of an axiety for me now because I still work with my ex. So be glad that isn't your case!

Wishing you the best, you will get through this!

P.S. the breakups with BPD tend to go better when they believe they are rejecting you... .so you that is actually a blessing in disguise.

Bunny

Welcome Averageguy to the pissed off club. You are not alone. We've been there,  watched the videos (many), and understand where you are coming from. With time you'll get understanding of why you ended up here. For now, empathy: the end goal is to find out why we became entangled with people with PDs, to vent in a safe place and to avoid it in future. It's a worthwhile journey. 

Whoa!  Thanks to each of you.  I've read so many of these posts that I feel like we are all one big person.  Yup, she rejected me for the stupidest crap ever.  Ugh. We've had a few other breakups (mostly by me, a couple by her).  This one is all hers, but to hear her say it, it was me.  Now she's making stuff up, calling me a narcisistic abuser, her life is far better without me, I didn't lover her enough, didn't give her the emotional support she needed, and on and on. The biggest insult is that she now thinks I'm worse than her ex husband who she criticized daily to me.  Told me I was way better.  Now?  Well, I'm worse than him. I gave plenty.  I was normal.  The weirdest thing?  She texted me last week about her daughters accomplishments.  She's a mid-40's single mom with full custody that I took such good care of.  Went on several dating sites within 24 hours of breaking up with me.  A few days prior, I was the love of her life. Go figure. Nutcase.  My solace now? There is no way on this big blue planet that she will ever find a man as successful, handsome, in shape, generous, kind, giving and LOYAL (which I question about her - shady), than me.  I don't mean to be self-centered and selfish in saying this, but it helps.  I'm no slouch and never had a problem getting dates. I was married for over 20 years and my ex is a dream compared to this harpy.  Thanks for the venting.  I'll share details later.  Some are juicy and fun!

yeah mine got me at a weak moment after a bad business decision or 10. That's a recurrent theme here too :)

I told her at the end I'm not sure she'd get a second date if she met me now. If I knew then what I know now... .

I think a few of us are shocked at the level we actually got dragged down to.

We'll all be just fine, in the end... .

I'm sorry that you're split black. That really hurts. Thanks for choosing to join the discussion after lurking.  

Spot on frustrated! Someone cited the boiled frog story... .that is brilliant, because it nicely sums up how we were, slowly but inexorably, dragged down by their insane behaviours.

Hang in there!

Very difficult time for sure. Many folks here are a great source of comfort and clarity. Talk it out.

I too am feeling the anger of not getting acknowledgement of the pain he caused, as well as no appreciation for all I sacrificed (my codependent flaw).

I was to blame for him raging and behaving poorly,

I actually started to believe it and kept adjusting my behaviors to

accommodate... .Of course I failed constantly.

Been 1 week since he left and 3 days NC.

I understand the freshness of the confusion and pain.

I struggle not to contact him many times in the day, to talk, or try to get him to understand what he did, keep a friendship, etc... .All pointless I know but have a hard time truly grasping that fact.

Reading up here helps me stay on track... .so far.

Great reminder by Frustratedbloke... ."We'll all recover, they won't"

If it helps I'm split blacker than black as well. I called her out on her abusive, manipulating ways and told her that some of her behaviour was so transparent I almost felt sorry for her.

I gave her specifics and said it was so utterly ridiculous that even the lies didn't add up or make any kind of sense by the end of it. From what I gather they don't like it when you do that.

So we're both in the same boat I think. It's a better boat to be in. The other one had a hole in it... .

Frustratedbloke,

I agree, we will all be ok!  Something else we need to remember is, we got out.  We may have unknowingly become involved with a BPD but once we realized it wasn't healthy, we got out.  We were strong enough to get out or to decide not to go back.  That's what we need to focus on.  There are no guarantees in relationships... .it is not bad judgement on your part.  While the relationship is good, you stay.  If it turns bad, get out.  Hard part is knowing WHEN to make that call.    

yeah I was so smart I got out at least 4 times, maybe 7, I'm not even sure anymore... .:) :)

I think we're all frustrated because in every case there was a solid gold person hiding in there. But mine is still in there, surrounded by the rest of her.

frustratedbloke,

ha ha I feel you but you are out now.  Stay out and if you find yourself in a similar situaiton, get out sooner!   I was thinking, with a BPD partner it's hard because you don't have the breakup where you say "we grew apart, are both good people, both made mistakes... ."  After everything they put you through, they are the ones dismissing you like your worthless and there is no WE... .it was all YOU.

Maybe that's why we go back... .to try and get that acknowlegement for the good and shared responsibility for the bad.  Which you only get for a short time when you are with them before it turns again.  Maybe that is the hook for us rational folk.  We need it to end on a better note to be at peace but they need to believe it's all us and to hate us in order to be at peace.   Interesting... .any thoughts on that one?

I think I went back because I wanted to believe in the good person she was, I went back for dumb optimism.

But honestly now I have done all this reading on BPD I think I have opened Pandora's Box. I don't think there is any going back. I don't think I would fall victim again either.

It was interesting in one of our 'off' periods I went on a couple of dates with someone who did the full on professional victim routine, dangerous ex boyfriend, multiple sexual assaults in her life etc. If it happened I'm sorry for her, but I was just so hyper alert I ran in the other direction. So I had obviously learned something by that point.

I still took my ex back though, so I didn't learn everything I should have!

BPD is not a good thing, I'd rather be safe than sorry in future.

With me I wanted her respect back, I think I got it but it didn't lead to the happy future I wanted, just the next round of drama.

BPD is like Pandora's box... .I hear the twilight zone theme in the background when my ex is near.  Oh have I mentioned I work with him?  Yeh so I have to see and deal with his b.s. still every day and no one knows his secret but me.  So half of the office has to be thinking maybe I'm a gold digger or a cheater or something crazy... .  oh well better that way, I suppose.  Just hard to deal with the fake smile and the "oh your the most valueable employee here" when I can still feel my gutt turning over the mean things he said and did.  I just try to be thankful that I got out and am safe now, for the most part. 

I think you do pick up on the signs alot sooner the second time around, even if it isn't the exact same condition.  Your body seems to respond the same way.  My son (16) when he found out we were splitting up said, "what, you put up with Dad's stuff for 10 years but your getting out after only 1 year this time?"  I said "YES!  I'm learning quickly and that's a good thing."  Of course he didn't know the details but still my point is I got it down to 1/10th of the time.  His Dad wasn't BPD but still I stayed way longer than I should have.

Yeah this time six weeks of BS, but what did it for me this time was I started to hear the same phrases come out of her mouth. Like she goes into witch mode, or whatever it is, and I actually remembered the phrases, the way she spoke, the words she used. It was deja vu.

That's when I 100% knew this was going down a pointless and painful road, and I had to eject.